I need to move out

LegacyUser

This is going to be a long post so I apologise but I really need advice.

The problem is my mother. I'm 25 and still living at home, mostly due to economical reasons (I wasn't earning enough to move out until I got a new job in December) but partially due to the fact I have a younger sister with special needs who I get on very well with and who I like to be around for (my mother is a full time mature student, who is often not around much during term time).

When she made the decision to go back to college a couple of years ago, I gave her my full support. I was so proud of her for chasing her dreams, especially as college didn't work out for me (I dropped out in my second year due to multiple reasons). College seems to have changed her for the worse though.

My mam has always been very opinionated, and at times a bit tactless. She doesn't know how to give a compliment without it being back-handed. She'll never just say something like "You've lost a bit of weight, you look well", it'll always be something like "Glad to see your belly going down, you really pile it on there when you've weight on you". At this stage I rarely let it get to me... Her sisters are like that too, and some of her aunts so I think it must just be in the family. I don't seem to be like any of them and sometimes wonder if things would be easier if I was a bit more sharp tongued as opposed to being a bit more laid back, and I'll admit, a bit oversensitive.

During term time she has constantly been distracted with work. When she'd not studying, she taps on her phone, on facebook or playing candy crush saga. I know all too well how much pressure coursework can be, so for the most part I think I've been very understanding: tip-toeing round, I never have friends over, I pay up a quarter of my wages a month and buy bits and pieces in terms of groceries. I try to pitch in terms of cooking and walking the dog, though they rarely let me cook since I get home so late and they don't want to wait that long. I've found it very frustrating trying to speak to her over the last year or so as she rarely listens, she'll tune out or read something from her phone under her breath while i'm mid conversation with her. I'm generally non-confrontational and initially made jokes about it, but as time has gone one she has forgotten entire conversations, purely from not listening. It's a horrible feeling to waste your time speaking to someone, especially about important things, while they're facebooking and ignoring you. I've spoken to her about it and tried to make her understand how I feel a couple of times but she doesn't take it seriously.

She hates the fact that I didn't finish college and so therefore in her eyes am uneducated. I have a high IQ that she hypes up to being a bigger deal than it is, because I'm wasting it. I hated the degree I chose and when some personal stuff arose during second year, I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I got a certificate course for myself and have spent the last 3 years trying to work my way up to a better job. I would never have been able to afford to go to college again (I had a local authority grant and got a european support grant the first time) but she sometimes comments on what a shame it is that I'm wasting my life in dead end jobs. I feel like no achievement I have would ever matter to her.

I used to make excuses for her critical behaviour because my dad has a lot of emotional problems and a very unstable personality, and they split when I was young. I felt like she was maybe trying to be two parents, and I know being a single parent isn't easy. At times when she's been annoyed at me, she's likened me to him which always really upsets me. My dad and I had a lot of problems because of his own issues and he's not really in my life anymore.

Things really came to head this evening. She finished her exams a week and a half ago, and last week her and my stepdad went away for the week to celebrate. While they were gone, my sister became quite unwell and so I had to take time off work, bring her to the doctor etc. My mam had her medical card so I had to phone her to ask for the details and I think she was quite annoyed that her trip away was now being spoiled by worrying. I had to point out that she was being annoyed with me over nothing and that I had to the situation under control. They got back on Friday night and I spent the weekend with my boyfriend, we also went to a friends house for drinks and bbq on Saturday (this is relevant I promise). I haven't been going out much since I started my new job because it's stressful and wears me out, most weekends I just relax instead ( probably been out about 5 times this year). This evening was the first time I sat down to dinner with my mam since she finished her exams. 10 minutes in, she made a snide comment about me wearing so many earrings to work (I have my ears pierced a few times, but it's nothing major and work take no issue with it). It then led to her start one of the "At your age you should be more mature...." conversations. She criticised everything about me. Everything. The fact that I apparently "bragged about drinking" by posting about the drinks in my friend's house on facebook the other night. She started saying that I wouldn't be able to cope if she wasn't the one putting a roof over my head. It was just going on and on. When I interrupted to remind her that she was having a double standard, considering there are loads of pics of her on Facebook drinking pints mid afternoon with all of her student friends, she basically shouted at me that it waa ok since "she was a student and at least her life was worthwhile".

It got pretty nasty after that and I know I'm going to have to move out. I'm not gonna be able to for another 6 weeks or so, and I don't know how to do all this by myself and how to cope with her in the meantime. I don't know how to cope with leaving my sister behind - I really think her and my boyfriend are the only ones who love me for who I am. I just... hate that she can make me feel so unlovable and crap about myself. I know I'm not stupid, and my life isn't worthless, and I'm not immature just because I'm not like her. I just don't know how she always gets under my skin so much.

Sorry for how long and meandering that is, pretty all over the place right now. Thanks for taking the time to read. Any and all advice welcome.

Neyite

Yep, I agree, you need to get out. Her tongue-lashing of you is emotional abuse really, when you think about it. There is a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, which though I havent read, I believe is very helpful to those who's parents are, for want of a better word, difficult.

Stay with friends, save for a months deposit and a months rent, pack up and dont look back. The problem is that you are an adult, and she is still berating you like a child - and you are limited as to what you can do about it because you live under her roof (and therefore her rules)

Create a space for you by moving out. Go home every once in a while, and you can begin to calmly counter her rants when she begins them:
"I'll take on board what you have said, mam, thanks."
"did you mean to sound so rude?"
"Thats a bit personal, dont you think?"

The best part is that you can breezily look at your watch and go "oh! is that the time!! must go- meeting the gang!" and go before she gets to see her handiwork upset you.

Queen-Mise

It is a bit rich coming from your mam b*tching about you not finishing your third level education when she is now only doing it in her forties/fifties

I agree with Neyite - you could class her comments as abuse or bullying. It has stepped beyond any point where it could be considered constructive criticism.

Look after yourself in the meantime. Sometimes you have to listen to thunder - the trick is letting it in one ear and out the other.
This is a lot harder to do when it is continuous. That is why continual abuse (emotional/mental) is so detrimental and can destroy, for example, a child's confidence, esteem etc. It is also why sustained bullying destroys people's lives.

And also it says nowhere it the parent's manual that they have to be helpful, supportive, constructive. In an ideal world it would be nice if they were. Accept her as she is, don't let her talk to you like that anymore. Either stop her mid-sentence or remove yourself from the situation. One warning and then go, i.e. ask her to stop, you didn't ask her for an assessment of your life decisions so why is she giving you one, if she doesn't stop then leave the room.