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The perfect boyfriend cheated, and I don't know what to do.

  • 26-05-2013 8:24am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4


    I'm only with my boyfriend 5 months, but we had the perfect relationship, we were best friends and he is so romantic and my ideal guy.

    He was meant to come out with me and my friends but his friend who he never gets to see invited him for a lads night out, and being the understating girlfriend I let him go out with him, even though I missed him like crazy.

    On my night out, I get a text from him to say he got with some girl who had been egging him on to get with her for the whole night. They got with each other for about 5 seconds, he realised what he had done and pushed her away, cried and immediately texted me.

    I'm heartbroken. I thought we were going to get married, we were always happy and loving and he is so perfect. He gets jealous when I talk to lad friends but I didn't realise the trust in our relationship was THAT weak.

    I love him, but it hurts so much what he done and I'm so embarrassed for being "that girl who's boyfriend cheated" in front of my friends and his friends.

    Oh and guess what, I'm going to Magaluf with my single friends in 3 and a half weeks time. Should we go on a break or should I forgive him or should I dump him??


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,324 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    Nattyb wrote: »
    I'm only with my boyfriend 5 months, but we had the perfect relationship, we were best friends and he is so romantic and my ideal guy.

    He was meant to come out with me and my friends but his friend who he never gets to see invited him for a lads night out, and being the understating girlfriend I let him go out with him, even though I missed him like crazy.

    On my night out, I get a text from him to say he got with some girl who had been egging him on to get with her for the whole night. They got with each other for about 5 seconds, he realised what he had done and pushed her away, cried and immediately texted me.

    I'm heartbroken. I thought we were going to get married, we were always happy and loving and he is so perfect. He gets jealous when I talk to lad friends but I didn't realise the trust in our relationship was THAT weak.

    I love him, but it hurts so much what he done and I'm so embarrassed for being "that girl who's boyfriend cheated" in front of my friends and his friends.

    Oh and guess what, I'm going to Magaluf with my single friends in 3 and a half weeks time. Should we go on a break or should I forgive him or should I dump him??



    Your friend told yih this girl was egging him on the whole night, while I assume he kept saying no because she kept having to try again. See what you can get done in 5 seconds -before HE pushed her away . Dosn't sound like he chased her all night & was trying to lie & cheat. 5 seconds -it sounds like having thrown hersllf at him all hight she then lunged for him.


    TBH it sounds to me like your girl"friend" is s*** stirring. Perhaps SHE wants him too.
    The girl threw herself at your boyfriend all night. He repeatedly rejected her. Something happened where she git to him & after a few seconds ( surprise/shock/what to do) he lushed her away. Again.
    Now you want to break up with the perfect guy who you thought you were going to marry?

    Sounds to me like he was trying to push her away from him all night. That seems to be what your "friend "said too.

    I wouldn't be breaking up with a guy who said no to others advances & then who pushed them off after they flung themselves at him after a night of drinking.

    He seems to be clear that it's only you he wants.

    You on the other hand sound like you would like the opportunity to play the field when you are on holidays.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,692 ✭✭✭Payton


    It depends on how strong your relationship is and you seem pretty stable.
    He made a mistake and told you immediately about it...he could have said nothing but he manned up and confessed.
    Only you can decide if its a major problem of you can work around it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 Nattyb


    The only thing I'm worried about is if it'll happen again. He feels so terrible and hates himself for it, but to be honest he's a handsome guy so there WILL be other girls who will be interested. The question is - will he do the right thing the next time or will he just give in again?

    It just hurts how faithful I am to him, I had so many opportunity to cheat (lads telling me how much they like me), and then he has one opportunity and he gave in.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    JustAThought you really seem to have gotten the wrong end of the stick there...

    OP your relationship is not perfect. You both sound childish and insecure. Partners don't 'let' each other go out with others, healthy couples are considerate of one another, not controlling.

    As for the kiss, only you can decide if you want to forgive him. He did the wrong thing but admitted it, although he did try to shift blame to the girl involved.

    Nobody can tell you what to do here. What do you want??


  • Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Nattyb wrote: »
    The only thing I'm worried about is if it'll happen again. He feels so terrible and hates himself for it, but to be honest he's a handsome guy so there WILL be other girls who will be interested. The question is - will he do the right thing the next time or will he just give in again?

    It just hurts how faithful I am to him, I had so many opportunity to cheat (lads telling me how much they like me), and then he has one opportunity and he gave in.

    How do you know he hasn't had loads of opportunities too and has always resisted?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,000 ✭✭✭andreac


    Your friend told yih this girl was egging him on the whole night, while I assume he kept saying no because she kept having to try again. See what you can get done in 5 seconds -before HE pushed her away . Dosn't sound like he chased her all night & was trying to lie & cheat. 5 seconds -it sounds like having thrown hersllf at him all hight she then lunged for him.


    TBH it sounds to me like your girl"friend" is s*** stirring. Perhaps SHE wants him too.
    The girl threw herself at your boyfriend all night. He repeatedly rejected her. Something happened where she git to him & after a few seconds ( surprise/shock/what to do) he lushed her away. Again.
    Now you want to break up with the perfect guy who you thought you were going to marry?

    Sounds to me like he was trying to push her away from him all night. That seems to be what your "friend "said too.

    I wouldn't be breaking up with a guy who said no to others advances & then who pushed them off after they flung themselves at him after a night of drinking.

    He seems to be clear that it's only you he wants.

    You on the other hand sound like you would like the opportunity to play the field when you are on holidays.

    What friend? :confused:

    It was the boyfriend who text her, not a friend?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,817 ✭✭✭Addle


    Nattyb wrote: »
    I'm only with my boyfriend 5 months, but we had the perfect relationship, we were best friends and he is so romantic and my ideal guy.

    He was meant to come out with me and my friends but his friend who he never gets to see invited him for a lads night out, and being the understating girlfriend I let him go out with him, even though I missed him like crazy.

    On my night out, I get a text from him to say he got with some girl who had been egging him on to get with her for the whole night. They got with each other for about 5 seconds, he realised what he had done and pushed her away, cried and immediately texted me.

    I'm heartbroken. I thought we were going to get married, we were always happy and loving and he is so perfect. He gets jealous when I talk to lad friends but I didn't realise the trust in our relationship was THAT weak.

    I love him, but it hurts so much what he done and I'm so embarrassed for being "that girl who's boyfriend cheated" in front of my friends and his friends.

    Oh and guess what, I'm going to Magaluf with my single friends in 3 and a half weeks time. Should we go on a break or should I forgive him or should I dump him??
    You let him out?!
    The trust was THAT weak.
    Did he give you permission to go on holidays?
    Doesn't sound like an perfect relationship to me.
    I don't think what he did is a dumping offence.
    I'm a big believer in second chances.
    My initial thought to your post was why did he bother telling you?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    It's simple: he didn't cheat.

    He found himself in a messy situation and extricated himself from it because of you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    He aint all that perfect if he cheated on you.

    Quit putting him on a pedestal, it's self destructive. No human being is perfect. So he's romantic and handsome, wonderful. So was Ted Bundy. (Not saying your bf is a serial killer, just a bit of perspective if you will.)

    You're together five months, it's the honeymoon phase so you're seeing everything through a loved up lens but he's just as flawed and messed up as every other human being out there, and he kissed someone else early on in your relationship under circumstances you can't ever be entirely sure of (of course you'll get the "not my fault" version). So sober up here a bit.

    On the plus side, he told you about it pretty much instantly. Have you sat down and tried to have a mature, rational conversation about it, aside from "how could you do this to me" yadda yadda? Have you been honest about the trust issues this has provoked in you? The doubt it's put in your mind?

    Ask yourself this honestly - is it too much to get over? Are you capable of eventually putting it at the back of your mind and not destroying yourself with worry every time he's in the presence of another female without you again? What needs to happen for you to get over this and can you effectively communicate this to him?

    Way I see it, this will either be a growth opportunity for you both in your relationship - for you to see that he's not some knight in shining armour who you can sail off into the sunset with in some fairy tale relationship and for him to not take you for granted again. Or it'll be the beginning of the end as jealousy and insecurity take hold.

    Talk to him. Take things slowly. Go with your gut and don't be ruled by your emotions. Think of how you'd advise your best friend or your sister on this.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    ^ If he kissed the girl back, even for 5 seconds, he cheated. If he spent those seconds trying to push her off while her tongue invaded his mouth, he didn't cheat.


    OP, only you can decide if you can trust him again. He sounds very remorseful, with the way he texted you straight away. But the whole 'he gets jealous if I talk to male friends' thing is worrying. A relationship shouldn't be like that, at all.

    If you want to make a go of things, you have to decide if and how you can trust him again, and he needs to stop getting jealous of you talking to male friends. I know his jealousy isn't the issue of the post, but it's still an issue. You BOTH need to trust each other. It sounds very intense for a 5 month relationship tbh.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 Nattyb


    That was really good advice, thanks for taking the time out to write in.

    May I also add in this is the drunkest he's ever been,


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,048 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Your post sounds a little immature and very intense!

    You 'let' him go out with his friend.. even though you'd miss him terribly. For a few hours... Seriously?

    Does he 'let' you go out?

    After 5 months you shouldn't be asking each others permission to go out. Even after 20 years of marriage you don't need anyone's permission, you might need to ok it with them if kids are involved or if arrangements are to be made, but nobody should have to 'let' someone do anything.

    Anyway, it all comes down to.. do you want to forgive him, move on and be with him? Or are you going to end it all so that you are not embarrassed in front of your friends?

    You don't know the circumstances of the evening, he may be being 100% truthful, or he may be talking down his involvement in it.

    What you believe is up to you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4 Nattyb


    Okay people are going mad over this whole "letting" him go out thing. It's not like that. If you read the whole text we had made arrangements he would come out with me and my friends, and he was gonna drop his friends for me even though he wouldn't see them til September. So I just told him that its okay to go out with them even though we've had plans for over a week.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    Nattyb wrote: »
    I'm only with my boyfriend 5 months, but we had the perfect relationship, we were best friends and he is so romantic and my ideal guy.

    He was meant to come out with me and my friends but his friend who he never gets to see invited him for a lads night out, and being the understating girlfriend I let him go out with him, even though I missed him like crazy.

    This post worries me Op.

    First of all there are no perfect relationships and believing that there are diminishes your sense of responsibility and sense of proportion. A successful relationship needs ongoing effort from both parties. Your relationship is only 5 months old so it's safe to say neither of you have put in a fraction of the effort that a solid relationship requires. If this little bump in the road is a deal-breaker for you then you're a long way short of understanding what real relationships go through. It does not sound (from your post) that he indulged himself in the company of another person with no regard for you; if anything his actions were quite the opposite. A smarter guy would not have let himself be in that position, but I'm guessing you're both young and perhaps not all that worldly-wise.

    As for the expression "I let him go out with him" . . . frankly this sets off all sorts of alarm bells in my head. It seems to me that you misunderstand the nature of a healthy relationship right from the outset.

    Whether you stay with this guy or leave him, you need to re-evaluate what you expect from a relationship, because your post reads like a teenager who spent too much time watching the soaps.

    Apologies if my tone seems harsh, it is not my intention to cause offence. I would like you to understand that you might need to challenge your perceptions of what a relationship would look like when it's healthy. Expressions like "He gets jealous when I talk to lad friends but I didn't realise the trust in our relationship was THAT weak" have no place in a healthy relationship.

    Be at peace,

    Z


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    I think your relationship is still exactly what it was before the incident, something happened with another girl and he owned up to it straight away. Now he shouldn't have text you like he did, but be glad that he did because it sounds like he is a nice, honest guy and feels terrible over what happened.

    I think you should put it behind you and move on! Your boyfriend may need to less of a gent with women who come on to him though. :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    He was meant to come out with me and my friends but his friend who he never gets to see invited him for a lads night out, and being the understating girlfriend I let him go out with him, even though I missed him like crazy.

    On my night out, I get a text from him to say he got with some girl who had been egging him on to get with her for the whole night. They got with each other for about 5 seconds, he realised what he had done and pushed her away, cried (:confused:) and immediately texted me.

    I'm heartbroken. I thought we were going to get married, we were always happy and loving and he is so perfect. He gets jealous when I talk to lad friends but I didn't realise the trust in our relationship was THAT weak.

    ...Oh and guess what, I'm going to Magaluf with my single friends in 3 and a half weeks time. Should we go on a break or should I forgive him or should I dump him??

    Out of curiosity what age are you both? The story has this sort of overwrought teenage tone to it. Perhaps it was down to you feeling upset when you typed this - words can be deceptive. From your point of view, you should take this guy down off that pedestal you've placed him on. He's only human and he is every bit as flawed as every other person going around.

    Two things about this story worry me.
    1. Your "he's so perfect, I thought we were going to get married" shtick after only 5 months together. You hardly know the guy! And missing him like crazy because he went out for one evening? It just sounds too needy and wrapped up for my liking.
    2. The jealousy he's displaying. What is that all about? You only touched on that but to me that is a potential warning sign. If you choose to stay together, keep an eye on this just in case he starts showing signs of control. Then you're into a different ball game altogether.

    Oh, and in answer to your question that you asked originally, only you know what the right thing to do is. I've seen it here many times - different people have different opinions on what a drunken kiss means. It literally does run the gamut from "It's cheating -I'd never forgive him. Dump him" to "Sure it was only a drunken kiss. What's the big fuss?".
    Go with your gut feeling here. Do you trust him? How would you feel if he texted you right now and said he was going out to a nightclub with his friends? Or when you go on your holiday will you be wondering about what he's up to?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,563 ✭✭✭stateofflux


    ridiculous overreaction OP, relationships are not about control. he did not 'cheat' on you at all. its the guys that don't txt that you need to worry about.


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