Boyfriend lied.

LegacyUser

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we live together. We're both in our mid 20s.

Recently something slightly odd happened which didn't sit well with me. I came home from work one morning, I work nights, and found an empty bottle of vodka, a few bottles of beer and some takeaway boxes in the living room. From time to time he'll have a friend over while I am a work for a few drinks etc so I thought nothing of this and asked who was over. He told me a woman's name, we'll call her Sally.

Now as far as I am aware, Sally isn't a close friend of his, she' more a work associate that he sees from time to time as they are in the same line of work but don't actually work together. They have known each other for years and have gone for the odd drink together, mostly with other work people when they see each other around. She was at his birthday last year after he saw her at work the day before and asked her along. My boyfriend has always been in honest in that he originally got to know her because he fancied her many years ago (she is very good looking and they have a lot in common with work etc), but when he got to know her found out that she was dramatic, dishonest, a messy drunk, unreliable etc to be honest he barely has a good word for her. She seemingly wasn't interested in him anyway. So nothing happened there an now they just see each other around.

I was surprised that Sally had been over to the house as he hadn't even mentioned Sally's name in months, haven't see each other in months to my knowledge and she's never been over to the house before. He explained that he's been making his way over to the shop that evening at about 10pm when he happened to bump into Sally in the the street, she already had the drink with her as she was leaving a party somewhere else, in a very drunken state. He asked her in for a drink but then quickly regretted it when he really how drunk was she started getting on his nerves. He started trying to get rid of her and when she left they happened to bump into our landlord. Who looked at him a bit funny having a very drunken woman, who wasn't me, leave the flat at that hour of the night. I asked him where Sally had been to be walking past our house, he said he didn't know because he didn't ask her that.

Now this all seemed very strange to me. What kind of coincidence is it that Sally happened to be outside our house when he went over to the shop. We don't live in the center of town or anything where you might bump into someone. When I went to the fridge to get milk, I noticed a massive bag of ice, apparently Sally brought that too.
Now I know Sally is a messy drunk but I just couldn't picture her staggering down the street at 10pm at night carrying, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of beer and a bag of ice!

It occurred to me that if they hadn't bumped into our landlord, maybe I would never have heard anything about this incident. Maybe all I had been told about Sally being dishonest, messy etc was a preemptive attempt to discredit her?? Could she have been over before? I work nights a lot. Maybe my imagination is running away with me.

Now, I know I am going to be critisized for this but sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me. Fast forward 2 weeks and Boyfriend happens to leave his facebook open in the living room in front of me. I see a message pop up from Sally! I know I shouldn't but I had a look. That message was fairy innocent but scrolling back I can see that on the fateful night in question, she hadn't been staggering past the door like boyfriend told my, they had instead arranged over facebook for her to come over. She had suggested that they go for a drink, he suggested she come over instead. He was sending her directions to get to the house, saying what drink he's buy etc. The messages themselves weren't overly flirtatious and certainly didn't have any mention of anything untoward happening between them but......HE LIED TO ME.

I know I am in the wrong here for looking at the messages but I had to know. Know my mind is going crazy over what else he may have lied about. I just don't know what to think. Am I being overly sensitive or is this completely out of order.

Czarcasm

emmaG1234 wrote: »

I know I am in the wrong here for looking at the messages but I had to know. Know my mind is going crazy over what else he may have lied about. I just don't know what to think. Am I being overly sensitive or is this completely out of order.

Fcuk that OP, you'd every reason to be checking up on him after that convoluted pack of lies.

I wouldn't be too worried about his "privacy" after he'd thought he could treat you like that. I'd pull him up on it if I were you, and when he goes into telling you all about how he told you already how it happened, you can hit him with the facebook stuff. Messy drunk my ass, sounds like he was as you say deliberately running her down to put you off the idea that he'd ever go near her.

Time for him to come clean.

ShaShaBear

Agreed, regardless of his intentions he did lie to you, and it would seem odd that he would arrange to have a woman over and then make no effort to cover up the fact that she was there and then deliver an elaborate lie as to how she got there in the first place.

You need to confront him. Tell him you know that he invited her over and you want the truth.

Nickynikki

God only knows how long this is going on.

He probably slept with her in your bed etc

The absolute cheek of her to arrange to call over to your boyfriend while you are at work.

I would confront the both of them.

judgefudge

He has lied about arranging to see another woman. Get the fck out of there OP. I've had a somewhat similar thing happen before. I think if a guy will lie about that kind of thing he WILL cheat on you. Just from experience my gut would be screaming to get out of there, regardless if anything happened or not.

Look at it this way, he lied for one of two possible reasons. Either because he wanted to bed her or because he felt like you would flip out or something if he told you. Now even if it is the second one, he disregarded the fact that it may upset you and invited her over anyway. And then decided he could lie away to your face about the whole things. It's disrespectful and a dick move.

I'm actually a little angry reading it because it's so familiar to me (and that particular ex cheated)

I hope you're ok.

Esoteric_

Forget about thinking you're in the wrong checking his messages. You were clearly right to do so because he was indeed lying to you, so what you've found out is punishment enough for checking his messages.

Look, he told you that he fancied her. They barely see each other from what you've said, so why in the name of god would he invite her over to YOUR home while you're not there?

Either he's cheated on you, or he's disrespecting you and lying to you, neither of which are remotely acceptable. If you want to save things, you need to call him out on the fact that you know he lied. If it's the end of the line for you (it would be for me tbh), tell him why you've ended it. What he did was completely out of order. I really hope you're okay. I can imagine how awful you must be feeling right now. x

car.kar

I'd confront him about it OP, there is still a chance that it might have been innocent and there was no cheating, but at the end of the day he did concoct a fairly elaborate lie about the whole thing - why? Why lie if you've nothing to hide? I think there must be something suspicious going on.

However, I could just be cynical ... I once checked a boyfriend of three years' Facebook messages and found out that he was indeed cheating on me. Even if your boyfriend is only lying, its still not healthy for a relationship. Best of luck.

Stavro Mueller

If you want to confront him about the Facebook messages, this is the way I'd do it. Tell him you were in the living room with the laptop open. Facebook message pops up from Sally. You see that they'd arranged the meeting on Facebook. Don't comment any further or accuse him of anything - see what he has to say then.

Chucky the tree

Is it possible you have a jealous streak and that is why he lied? He either lied because of that or else he's been planning on cheating for a long time. If you're honestly not a jealous person at all then can't think why else he would lie like this.

djimi

How do you react in general when he hangs around with other women? Has such an occurance caused an arguement in the past? Im not saying that he was right to carry on like he did, but perhaps he wanted to meet up with his friend and wasnt sure how you would take it had he told you the whole story straight up?

CaraMay

If it was above board then he would not be hiding it. he lied and probably because he cheated. There really is no other reasonable explanation.

Chucky the tree

CaraMay wrote: »

If it was above board then he would not be hiding it. he lied and probably because he cheated. There really is no other reasonable explanation.

If the OP is the jealous type then that's a reason why he would be hiding it.

LegacyUser

So he invited another girl around to get steaming drunk together? Cos they drank an entire bottle of vodka and several beers.

That said, if anything had happened I doubt the messages would be so innocent. So perhaps nothing did happen - this time.

But I wonder if that was because of Sally rather than your bf. She was the one who suggested a neutral environment but he wanted her to come over. I wonder if he's interested in her but she's not as interested in him? She knows he has a gf.

It also might be the reason why he's being so disparaging about this girl, saying she was blind drunk in the street in middle of the evening.

Or it could be well that they did have sex. The only part I'd believe is the part about the landlord. The whole thing stinks to high heaven, tbh.

I'd agree that saying his FB was open and you accidentally saw Sallys PMs is the way to go. Just to see how he scrambles to cover himself. But this is a red flag screaming at you that your bf is feeling pretty reckless right now. If he hasn't done something yet, he's thinking about it.

Czarcasm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

If the OP is the jealous type then that's a reason why he would be hiding it.

Yeahhh... Because his immature behaviour is really reassuring, right?

Seriously, Jesus wept.

Chucky the tree

Czarcasm wrote: »

Yeahhh... Because his immature behaviour is really reassuring, right?

Seriously, Jesus wept.

Who said it was reassuring? You should probably read my post first before commenting.

Czarcasm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Who said it was reassuring? You should probably read my post first before commenting.

That's exactly my point Chucky, to insinuate the OP might be "the jealous type" because she finds out off her landlord that her boyfriend had this girl over that he's at pains to stress he has no time for her, then she comes across all the messages between them on facebook?

I don't think the OP is as jealous as the boyfriend is immature tbh, so to try and say the OP might be jealous in the face of a mountain of evidence of her boyfriend acting like a douche, come on!

What does she have to do, find this other girls knickers under the bed before you think she might just have a point?

Chucky the tree

Czarcasm wrote: »

That's exactly my point Chucky, to insinuate the OP might be "the jealous type" because she finds out off her landlord that her boyfriend had this girl over that he's at pains to stress he has no time for her, then she comes across all the messages between them on facebook?

I don't think the OP is as jealous as the boyfriend is immature tbh, so to try and say the OP might be jealous in the face of a mountain of evidence of her boyfriend acting like a douche, come on!

What does she have to do, find this other girls knickers under the bed before you think she might just have a point?

She found out off her boyfriend, not her landlord. I never said the OP is jealous, I asked is she? A poster said the boyfriend cheating is the only explanation, that's wrong and I simply pointed that out. It is possible he lied because he felt his girlfriend would re-act badly if he wanted to innocently invite her over and stay friends.


I never said she didn't have a point either, do you actually read peoples posts? I simply pointed out it's not 100% guaranteed he cheated, there are other possible reasons.

Lux23

I would just sit him down and ask him if something happened, say that you know he lied about how she came to be in the flat and that you want to know the reason for the lie.

I don't want to speculate on what may actually have happened, because may just have been a drinking session with a mate.

I have a few male friends with partners who I would go to their house to have a few drinks, so it could be an innocent explanation for the lies.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks everyone for the replies. Firstly I don't think I am the jealous type really. I can't say I have never had a pang of jealousy here or there but I don't flip out over it. My boyfriend has been out for drinks with female friends, both alone and with others on several occasions in the past, he's also been out for drinks with ex girlfriends and I have never said anything about this. I had no reason to suspect anything was happening with Sally and him so if he had told me that he was heading out for drinks with her that evening I wouldn't have thought anything of it. If he had told me he was having her over when I wasn't there, I would have thought it was a bit out of line so maybe that's why he lied.

It's not so much that I think anything happened, I have a feeling it didn't (although maybe I am in denial here) it's more the fact that he lied to me so easily. He must have known that it looked bad him bringing her over, that I would have found it disrespectful, but he did it anyway and lied to me. If he's capable of lying about this, then what else is there.

I also wonder if nothing did happen then maybe it wasn't for his lack of trying. I don't know, at best I doubt he would have fought her of and thrown her out if she had tried it on with him when drunk. I mean that's how these things start, in my opinion.

ShaShaBear

Lux23 wrote: »

I would just sit him down and ask him if something happened, say that you know he lied about how she came to be in the flat and that you want to know the reason for the lie.

I don't want to speculate on what may actually have happened, because may just have been a drinking session with a mate.

I have a few male friends with partners who I would go to their house to have a few drinks, so it could be an innocent explanation for the lies.

Possibly, but if there was an innocent explanation, he could have given that first. I really think the only reason he even volunteered the information is because the landlord saw the two of them, and he's afraid that word might get back to her.

judgefudge

Even if the OP was the jealous type he shouldn't have lied about it. I mean Jesus, talk about adding fuel to the fire. If it was innocent he should have told her exactly what happened, as it happened, and just told her to cop on if she started acting insecure. The problem is that even if it is down to her being jealous, he thinks it's ok to go behind her back and do what he wants, rather than be straight with her about it.

Lux23

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Possibly, but if there was an innocent explanation, he could have given that first. I really think the only reason he even volunteered the information is because the landlord saw the two of them, and he's afraid that word might get back to her.

Still doesn't mean he shagged her.

Katgurl

Oh god this is terrible.

At first I was really behind your boyfriend because I found myself recently drunk and back at a guy's house alone whose girlfriend was away. It was a bad decision that I made when I was drunk, absolutely nothing happened, we were just boozing but I'm sure to the girlfriend if she found my jewellery or something (i dont think he told her i was there) it might have looked dodgy as hell - similar to this girl, we would be in same gang but not close at all so I could imagine she would wonder what the hell I was doing there.

But the Facebook messages and the massive convoluted story? It looks appalling. I just cant see how it's innocent under the circumstances. Have you ever had any reason to not trust him before? Unless he's just bored and lonely and doesn't really have many friends to hang out with.

I would definitely confront him and I would not be fobbed off. I'd nearly have my bags packed at this stage and he would have to be very convincing to change my mind.

Magicmatilda

It doesn't look good at all. He lied and probably only because the landlord saw him. I would be so hurt.

As an aside I wouldn't necessarily be flirty in messages even if I am arranging a date or something. It just wouldn't be my nature. I would be more flirty in person. So I'm not sure that the lack of flirtation in messages is an indication of innocence.

This would be a huge red flag for me. I mean why would he lie about having this girl over. Yeah I think I'd walk. I would definitely confront him.

afkasurfjunkie

I'd be very tempted to ask the landlord what he saw.

hardCopy

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

I'd be very tempted to ask the landlord what he saw.

I really don't think that would be fair to the landlord

judgefudge

hardCopy wrote: »

I really don't think that would be fair to the landlord

I agree. It would probably make him/her uncomfortable.

LegacyUser

You're being very naive OP. He openly admitted to fancying this girl, had plans for her to come over. If nothing happened it may not have been for the want of trying on his part.

LegacyUser

Op here.
m not being overly sensitive, this is out of order and I am not sorry that I checked his messages.

I am not going to ask the landlord about this as I think that would put him in an awkward position. I doubt he saw anything other then her leaving, half dunk and I already know that.

He is not just board and lonely, he has a good few friends, there are any number of people he could have called up that night if he fancied company.

There have been a few other incidents that have made me a bit suspicious if I am honest. Nothing too serious and nothing regarding Sally. Plus all of these things were at the beginning of the relationship. There was one other incident recently, where woman came and greeted him enthusiastically in a restaurant, she appeared to be with her boyfriend and there was nothing untoward between then, they spoke for a minute or two. On walking away I asked who that was and he said he didn't know! He later remember who she was, he is terrible with faces but I can't help but wonder if his first impulse was to cover something up there too.

I know I am going to have to confront him on this, I am not going to be able to forget about it. I mean even assuming nothing happened, according to him she is a drunken, messy, untustworthy person. he even said he suspects she stole something from him once, who invites someone into their home if they suspect them of being a theif! It just doesn't make sense.

The more I read over my own posts the more farcical this is starting to sound even to me!!

I just hate these situations though, it's really getting me down. I am nervous about confronting him. I am thinking of not telling him about the message but telling him I 'just know' he invited her round and not explaining how.

judgefudge

emmaG1234 wrote: »

I am thinking of not telling him about the message but telling him I 'just know' he invited her round and not explaining how.

Why? Are you afraid that he'll turn it around and get upset over you reading his messages? I wouldn't worry about that at this stage, what he has done clearly outweighs you reading his messages.

Ordinarily I would say that nobody should check their partners messages but in cases like this, where something just doesn't feel right, I think it's definitely understandable. And more often than not your gut instinct is right, like it was here.

Without telling him what you read in the messages what else can you confront him about, he told you a version of the events... So he'll probably stick to that version.

I suppose you could say you know something fishy is going on and you want to know the whole truth about what happened that night, give him one last chance to come clean. Then if he still lies I'd hit him with the messages. I would be out of there at that stage though.

You say there has already been suspicions. Don't ignore your gut feelings... It sucks to live with suspicions. Anyway, I don't envy your position as I've been through very similar but onwards and upwards!

Paddy Cow

The whole thing is bizarre. Why would he go to great lengths to make up a stupid story to hide the fact that he invited Sally round and then leave all the evidence of her being there in plane sight? Definitely have it out with him op. It just doesn't add up.

LegacyUser

Paddy cow, I suppose he left the evidence after the landlord saw them together realised he would have to tell me she was there, for fear of the landlord saying something too me.

dellas1979

Well, I guess you/we can speculate till the cows come home.

If you confront him, you could open a tin of worms. If you can live knowing the bizaare incident, grand. But as i always say on these types of speculation threads, always go with your gut.

Zen65

emmaG1234 wrote: »

There was one other incident recently, where woman came and greeted him enthusiastically in a restaurant, she appeared to be with her boyfriend and there was nothing untoward between then, they spoke for a minute or two. On walking away I asked who that was and he said he didn't know! He later remember who she was, he is terrible with faces but I can't help but wonder if his first impulse was to cover something up there too.

I can't say that this is suspicious. It happens to me almost every day of the week, i.e. somebody greets me and chats for a while, and I'm struggling to remember who they are.

You may have reason to be concerned about the incident in your Op, but I'd caution against adding to your own worries by revisiting the past and seeing it all through suspicious eyes.

Be at peace,

Z