I'm going to win her back

Moonfruit

Well I've decided that I'm going to win her back. Who? ‘My ex-girlfriend’

We met when I was 26 and she was 21. I was an Outdoor instructor and she was a Drama Student. We both worked part time in an Irish bar in Oxford. She was beautiful in body and mind. I flirted with her and my cheeky Irish charm worked. We started going out and soon after moved in together. Two years later we moved to London where she pursued a career in drama. I continued working abroad for months at a time and returning to London to be with her.

Our relationship was strong after four years together we went travelling together in South America. This was to be the decider as to if we should stay together. After Five months there we returned stronger than ever. We had big plans.

In our 5th year my Dad died aged 60. This hit me bad and I think I became depressed. I never sought help and I guess I didn't know what it was. Our relationship slowly went downhill. I didn't take any interest in her interests and never socialised with anyone. I was spending a lot of time back in Ireland as my Mum wasn't coping very well. Eventually after eight years in a relationship with someone I am crazy about, ended and she had enough.
She was fed up with my not wanting to commit and not ask her to get married. How I had little interest in working enough, although I did work in the outdoors adventure industry. I wasn't showing her any love.
My head was in a bad place and subconsciously I was pushing her away and eventually I did.

Initially the break up was hard. I moved back to Ireland and decided to change everything about myself. I did a two year Leaving Cert Course and have just finished my first year of a four year Degree. I haven't had alcohol for years now and I'm quite successful as an amateur athlete running sub 3hrs in a marathon. My mind is in a great place now and I'm back to who I was when I first met her eleven years age only more mature and caring.

Three years later….
Last week I was in England and met up with her on Sunday night. I was unsure how I would feel and wary about the reunion. When I say her again it was like the very first time we met. We got on really well. At the end of the night she took me for a drive. We were like two teenagers flying around the roads of Sheffield like a few teenagers. At the end of the night she dropped me off at my hotel. I give her a hug which seemed to last forever. We began to have a talk about how she moved on and had seen other people and that she asked if I had also and that I should meet someone.
She said in the past three years that at times she regretted breaking up with me. Then she hinted that she might get back with me in the future but then almost immediately said we would never get back together.
I didn't ask her to get back with me or anything like that but I did tell her I still cared for her. She the same. We parted. I returned home to Ireland.

The days following our meeting have had my emotions all over the place. I was watching the News and saw the shocking incident involving the Soldier in London being murdered and the aftermath of the Tornado in the US. I thought how short life is and that it could all end tomorrow and if I faced a certain death what would I most regret.
So I sat down and wrote 1599 words in a letter to her outlining my feelings for her. I told her about my never ending love for her and how I intended to give her the family and commitment she and now I, want. I told her much of what I said in this post. About how I am the same person she once loved without the problems/flaws. I know this is a risk as I may lose her friendship forever but it feels right and I will do everything I can to win her back.

I'm not sure how she'll respond and I know it won't be straight forward.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this on Boards. I guess it helps to share this episode in my life with people who are interested in relationship issues.

How do you think it may all pan out? Did I do the right thing? Am I deluded? Should I have cut contact with her completely? Maybe I should invite her on Boards to get her involved for a bit of drama.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Carpe Diem

CaraMay

She said ye wouldnt get back together but you ignored her and wrote an overly long and I.suspect overly intense letter. Not sure why you think a letter will change her mind. I guess you have to wait and see what happens as no one here can predict it.

Moonfruit

Thanks for the feedback CaraMay. It's true it was an intense letter. I don't think a letter will change her mind, but I do want to lay my hand on the table. If I don't then I may wonder 'what if'.

Chara1001

Wishing you the best of luck

blatantrereg

Things aren't in the context of friendship anyway, so I wouldn't see you as standing to lose anything really.

You seem to be enjoying the drama of it. A bit full on probably in your approach, and a bit focused on proving yourself rather than paying that much attention to her or what she's said.

Even if she is receptive, the logistics of the situation are far from ideal. You are living in different countries. You've committed to spending the next three years in Ireland. If she was frustrated at not being married by 26 then she unlikely to want to be interested in starting a long distance relationship for 3-4 years now. I also think she would be foolish to move to Ireland for your sake alone. I would guess that it was this same line of reasoning that led her to say that you would never get back together (assuming you read her hint about getting together sometime correctly).

You don't seem to have considered the practicalities of the situation, nor her point of view. Instead you have poured your heart into a dramatic letter. This doesn't support the idea that you have become mature. It's not going to make you seem mature to her either.

I would suggest you consider things from her point of view. If you are serious about this, I would ask yourself if you would be willing to move to the UK in a matter of months rather than of years. I would investigate if there are any practical options for you to go about doing so, such as transferring to a course there, or studying part-time.

Incidentally the odds are reasonably good that you would be able to transfer to a course there (aside from financial and logistical constraints). In recent years a lot of changes have been brought into EU education systems in order to facilitate movement between academic institutions within the EU.

Soft inda Head

Best of luck!

Moonfruit

blatantrereg wrote: »

Things aren't in the context of friendship anyway, so I wouldn't see you as standing to lose anything really.

You seem to be enjoying the drama of it. A bit full on probably in your approach, and a bit focused on proving yourself rather than paying that much attention to her or what she's said.

Even if she is receptive, the logistics of the situation are far from ideal. You are living in different countries. You've committed to spending the next three years in Ireland. If she was frustrated at not being married by 26 then she unlikely to want to be interested in starting a long distance relationship for 3-4 years now. I also think she would be foolish to move to Ireland for your sake alone. I would guess that it was this same line of reasoning that led her to say that you would never get back together (assuming you read her hint about getting together sometime correctly).

What you say makes a huge amount of sense and its the type of answer I think I was looking for. Although I'm not enjoying the drama much. The logistics would be a terrible setback but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I would never expect her to move to Ireland.
I just need to let her know how I feel because I haven't done this in the three years we are apart. This could be the end but I'm going to give it my best shot. She gets the letter on Tuesday I'll let you know how it goes.
Thanks again for the good feedback.

Czarcasm

I'm sorry Moonfruit but if your letter (1599 word count, seriously? a ten line handwritten letter would've at least seemed more sincere!) is anything as long and detailed as your OP, there's no way in hell your ex is going to take the time to read all that!

You'd be better off just to let her go and while you're still young enough find someone else that you would at least have some hope of a proper relationship with, not these "against all odds" romanticised notions. You're only tormenting yourself at that tbh.

maryk123

Moon fruit
If you hadn't written the letter you would always regret. I think you are dead right and I hope you get the response you are looking for - I really wish you the best and have my fingers crossed for you.

beks101

You may be deluded or you may be bang on the money.
You have to take risks in life. As they say, it's the things you don't do that you regret.
If she comes back to you this time, don't let her go or shut her out again.

Esoteric_

I'm sure writing the letter was therapeutic, but you should have burned it, not sent it when she specifically said you will never be getting back together.

It's been three years since ye broke up, surely it's about time you started to move on and deal with the break up?

I'm going against a lot of what other people are saying here, but she said you won't be getting back together, so if you love her, why did you disregard her wishes and feelings, deciding that yours were more important?

I wish you luck, I really do, but I honestly found the whole post a little obsessive. You even counted how many words you wrote. I think you're spending too much time on this.

Stavro Mueller

She knows you better than we do. I'd be scared off by the intensity if it was me but like I said, I don't know either of ye. Anyway what's done is done. You've sent the letter and you've done what you thought was right. The ball is in her court now. If she doesn't give you the answer you want, I hope you take her at her word and see it as closure.

_dublinlad_

The long letter seems a bit full on tbh.

On the balance of probabilities unless she is secretly very much in love with you too, she is going to read the letter and go "woooooooooo" in a shocked and taken back way.

If it was me I would be thinking that the words "I still love you" would suffice in getting a telling reaction from her. If she reacts positively maybe then tell her some of the rest of your feelings..

Anyway whatever you decide and whatever the outcome here's wishing you the best mate.