Other Girl

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am married over 2years and have been working in the same company for 4yrs. I really love my wife and I like my job.

However, I hate myself for this but I am really smitten with a girl at work. She too is spoken for. However, every time I meet her my heart starts pounding and I start to blush and cannot stop thinking about her!!
Now I do not know her on a personal level - I do not know if she shares the same interests, etc as me, yet I fell so attracted to her! I do not want to leave my wife and love her and care for her so much.

I have tried to block this girl out of mind but fail after a couple of weeks. I am getting annoyed with myself and even now thinking of leaving my job!

I would love to hear of anyone's thoughts? Especially if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Thank you!

Neyite

I dont believe in soulmates. I have a theory that we all have a personal chemistry that matches up with people here and there during the course of our lives, irrespective of whether you are in a relationship or not.

When we meet these people and we are happy in our existing relationship, we can acknowledge it for what it is - a simple physical attraction that will never be acted on. If we are unhappy, or have doubts even ones we are unaware of, that attraction can remind us of something that is missing, and we either do the right thing and break up with the existing partner and see where the new attraction takes you, or some people have affairs.

This is where some people get confused - they feel that they should not be attracted to another person while in a relationship, that it means there are problems under the surface, that if you were truly happy, you'd never be feeling this way. That an attraction must mean that this new person is your soulmate. But I dont believe that. I believe its simply a "chemistry" attraction.

Brego888

You have a crush.
Try your best to avoid being in situations that you have to interact with her.
Hopefully that shouldn't come to the extreme where you have to leave your job.

blatantrereg

She's an irrelevant random stranger. Your attraction is irrelevant and distracting. It sounds like it could become destructive. It would be best to not pay any attention to her outside of what is required by your job and basic courtesy.

Don't read too much into it. Just ignore/reject any attraction you feel and deal with her in professional terms. It is possible to just not be open to personal attraction if you don't want it.

If you feel a strong reaction like you describe, you might just try spending time being affectionate/intimate with your wife. Give her a call or text while at lunch if it's practical. It might just indicate that you are ignoring your requirement for intimacy/affection etc. Just like you might feel an strong urge to gorge on colourful junk food that you see, if you become hungry from ignoring your requirement for food.

If your wife is not available to satisfy your needs over a period for whatever reason then there are suitable alternatives available. Spending time with friends, family or various forms of art for example. Even porn should be considered fine if it's plain sexual frustration that you're experiencing.

Indulging an attraction to an acquaintance is just bad if you're in a relationship. Indulging an attraction to a work colleague is also unprofessional.

LegacyUser

Neyvite's post is very logical. I would think it's just a chemistry, an attraction and nothing more.

Blatantreg is right that it IS a distraction and she is just an irrelevant random stranger.

If you knew her personally, your feelings / reactions to her might be totally different, even her thoughts about issues that may or may not be important to you, and values that she has.

A few years ago while working in a company a long time, I started working more closely with a male colleague in another department. He'd been there years and it was only because of stuff I was doing that we started working closer together. I was attracted to him both physically (chemistry) and intellectually and we'd have interesting conversations. I would have thought from his perspective I was just yet another employee he helped out on another project with and nothing more, even though he did catch that I was slightly flustered around him. But he was married with children and there was no way I could ever act on that. I kept my distance with how I felt, and just put it down to an attraction that had no real basis in reality that perhaps he was just reminding me of something missing in my own life - while I had met someone around the same time, it wasn't really going anywhere as such despite a similar physical attraction without that same intellectual attraction because it was more a physical attraction with an emotional attraction - and just got on with things.

As for not knowing her personally.... I've had a fair few guys had weird obsessive attractions confessing their love to me without actually knowing me, what I'm like, what I think of various stuff of where my stance on some topics are. My experience with that is it generally isn't going to go anywhere because whatever you're feeling isn't going to last. It's not real, it's just an attraction that has no basis in reality, given that you don't even know the girl.

You are better off just standing back from it all and look at your own life and relationship, take perhaps the attraction as acknowledging that there may be something missing or just forgotten about in your marriage and focus on renewing that. It could be just that the attraction is familiar just a suppressed part of your relationship with your spouse that you need to put energy and enthusiasm into.

And I think if you do that, you probably won't notice this girl much longer.