Feelings for a married man

LegacyUser

First off I am also married with young children.

I know this is wrong, I would never condone cheating, but I never expected to have feelings for a man other than my husband.

My son is in his first year of school, and since September I have started to develop an attraction for the father of one of his friends. It started one day, when i could feel someone's eyes on me, I turned around and caught his eye, and he quickly looked away. Since then I have been conscious of him, and what started off as just a nod and a hello, has developed into chats and walking to and from our cars etc. Now I can't stop thinking of him, it's affecting my sleep, my eating, I have butterflies, all the usual stuff that hasnt happened to me since I was a teenager, and I hate it. I don't like feeling like this. My husband and I don't have the best marriage (he was unfaithful a number of yrs ago) but we are getting back on track, not just for the sake of the kids, but because we do love eachother. It's still hard, and sometimes I do wish that I had someone in my life that fulfills all of what he cannot give me, but I know deep down that I love him and I want our marriage to work. I have gone from being dreadfully unhappy with no confidence, to losing lots of weight and walking around with a pep in my step over the last few months, and I am happy with my family, my work etc, so I suppose my question is what do I do regarding this other man? On the days his wife does the school run she comes over and chats to me, so friendly, always full of compliments, and I look at her and feel so desparate for what I am feeling. If I were to be completely honest, the signals I am getting back are a lot more than he would give the other mothers, that is not saying that he would ever dream of cheating, but if the opportunity arose I am not sure I would be able to resist.

Yellow Lobster

FeelingBad wrote: »

First off I am also married with young children.

I know this is wrong, I would never condone cheating, but I never expected to have feelings for a man other than my husband.

My son is in his first year of school, and since September I have started to develop an attraction for the father of one of his friends. It started one day, when i could feel someone's eyes on me, I turned around and caught his eye, and he quickly looked away. Since then I have been conscious of him, and what started off as just a nod and a hello, has developed into chats and walking to and from our cars etc. Now I can't stop thinking of him, it's affecting my sleep, my eating, I have butterflies, all the usual stuff that hasnt happened to me since I was a teenager, and I hate it. I don't like feeling like this. My husband and I don't have the best marriage (he was unfaithful a number of yrs ago) but we are getting back on track, not just for the sake of the kids, but because we do love eachother. It's still hard, and sometimes I do wish that I had someone in my life that fulfills all of what he cannot give me, but I know deep down that I love him and I want our marriage to work. I have gone from being dreadfully unhappy with no confidence, to losing lots of weight and walking around with a pep in my step over the last few months, and I am happy with my family, my work etc, so I suppose my question is what do I do regarding this other man? On the days his wife does the school run she comes over and chats to me, so friendly, always full of compliments, and I look at her and feel so desparate for what I am feeling. If I were to be completely honest, the signals I am getting back are a lot more than he would give the other mothers, that is not saying that he would ever dream of cheating, but if the opportunity arose I am not sure I would be able to resist.

It's normal to be attracted to other people regardless of your marital status. The key for you is not to put yourself in a situation where there is a chance you "won't be able to resist".

Merkin

Agreed. Sounds like you have a crush. Just avoid being alone with him or taking things further and concentrate on your marriage.

jdsk2006

The attraction you have for that man is only a symptom of how unhappy you are within your own marraige. Would you not try to talk to your husband and get to the root of things? would couples counselling be an option for ye?

Nymeria

To be honest OP I think you need a short sharp shock to full understand what you seem to be sleepwalking into. If you are not careful you may end up causing a lot of pain and devastation to two families. You say that your husband was unfaithful before, do you remember the hurt that caused? Do you really want to cause that hurt to others?

This seems to be a crush, which is ok - but maybe you are reading more into it, or investing more time and energy than you should be.

I agree with the previous poster who said that this is probably a symptom of something amiss in your marriage, something that looking elsewhere is not going to solve. Please believe me when I say that an affair (if that is where this is going) is not the answer, and would cause more hurt than it is worth. If you still have issues surrounding your husbands past infidelity then perhaps marriage counselling would help. If you want to end your marriage then you should do that.

I would also be wary of you saying at the end; 'if the opportunity arose I'm not sure I would be able to resist'. Talking like this seems to give the impression that you feel there is an inevitability about what will happen with this man. The truth is you are in control of your actions, you can choose to take things further with him, or you can choose to disengage with this fantasy and work on your reality, which is your marriage and your children.

We tend to use phrases like 'I couldn't help myself', or 'it just happened' when talking about things that we want to be believe are out of our control, or to disassociate from the reality that we are making a choice or to try and justify actions that we are ashamed of.

There is nothing wrong with having a crush, but I would advise you to invest your emotional time and energy back into your husband and see if it can be salvaged. If not, then end it and move on in the knowledge that you did everything you could.

Good luck x

Oryx

Think about why you 'wouldnt be able to resist'. What would you get from it? Excitement? Flattery? A sexual buzz? Now balance that against the other side of that coin, if you did succumb to temptation. Facing his wife. Facing your husband. Facing yourself. The carnage if it was discovered. Every high has a corresponding low.

Right now this man is giving you butterflies because he is a fiction. All you know of him is a few chats, and a bit of fleeting attention. He is having this effect on you because you don't know him and your imagination is filling in the gaps and making him irresistable.

I agree that this flirtation is a symptom of something else. Loneliness, your bad marriage, lack of self confidence, the need to feel sexual. Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with him. You need to find whats missing in your life in a way that is not so destructive. Pursuing this guy is an emotional dead end, which can cause you and others a hell of a lot of pain if you keep it up.

mashedbanana

I think, the best thing to come outta this is that, you lost weight, and had a surge in confidence. You have (maybe suddenly) realised you are not just 'mummy' or 'wife' but also a woman. Your hubby was unfaithful a few years back, and I know, you would probably 'like' to use this as a way to justifying your mind wandering, so to speak. If you pursue this further you know yourself, 2 families will be ripped apart. The children will (maybe) still have to go to school together, and lets be honest, kids can be cruel.
Wives too, stick together in these situations, so you'd have to face them everyday at the school gate. Deal with your hubby turning nasty on you, deal with his family. Deal with this new fellas family, new fellas wifes family. etc etc.
You say you 'might not resist him', I can absolutely assure you that 'IF' you do anything..with him..it most certainly will be found out. Guaranteed.

I really feel that what you are experiencing is the thrill of the chase. Your head has 'been turned' Honestly, what good can come from it. When you look at all the possible carnage it could cause. Can you Really justify having a fling with him? A bit of reversed Phsycology here. Remember how you felt when your hubby was off having fun with someone else? remember how much that hurt? what it did to your little family? Do you want to do that to his wife? his family? his kids?

IF he's gonna have a fling with someone, don't let it be with you. Sit and have a really good talk with your hubby. I wish you the best. :-)

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you all so much for your comments. It never ceases to amaze me how clued in, sensible, and helpful total strangers can be on these boards.

You are all right of course. I do realise this. I know how much upset it could cause, and how it feels to be the one who is cheated on, and how that feels. Also the backlash of it all.

I suppose I just want to get over it. You are right it is no more than a crush, and I hate the way its taking over my mind. I didn't instigate any conversation this afternoon, neither did he tbh. I suppose there are ways to just avoid him as much as I can, I could park elsewhere, I could busy myself chatting to the other mums, and just try and go back to the polite nodding hello. But the problem is I don't want to!

It's true, the thrill is in the chase, and the realising that I am 'regaining' my looks after being a couple of stone overweight ever since I had my first child 5 yrs ago. Oryx you are so right, I am making him out to be this amazing guy, when I don't know him or his bad habits, what kind of a father or husband he is... If I am totally honest, while yes I think he is gorgeous, he is also slightly overweight and probably a lot of women would not give him a second glance, so why am i so drawn to him!

December2012

How is your sex life with your husband? How does your husband feel about you - lustful? Does he fancy you?

Payton

My exwife could've written what you posted......she went that extra step and crossed the line.
For what its worth try and sort your marriage out...if you can't well walk away from it and say "at least you both tried"...
Your verging on breaking up 2 families..households..reputations..and all for what? Where do you see it going?
Its nice to get a bit of attention from the opposite sex...but for peace of mind is the best medicine.

LegacyUser

I am sorry to hear that Payton.

Sex life is fairly non existant with my husband. It's on my part mostly as it's one of the many parts of our relationship that was damaged with the affair he had, which wasnt sexual btw.

Yes my husband does fancy me, he is lustful, I do believe he loves me, and although I love him too, I suppose I don't fancy him back. This is not anything to do with his looks but he spent a year in a deep depression at the time of his affair and told me he didn't love me constantly. I stood by him none the less but by the time he got help and got back to his old self i had built huge walls around me and won't allow myself feel anything like those familiar feelings incase I get hurt again.

We spent a year living separately at the time, and we did seek first individual and then joint counselling, but the joint counselling was with the counsellor he did his individual counselling with (her idea) and I felt that having heard one side of the story for so long she was coming across as biased and I felt that I was being made out to be in the wrong, so I stopped going. I do regret that we didn't benefit more from counselling, but it is not something I really want to relive.

mashedbanana

You see, the problem is, you might say to yourself 'I'm going for it' 'It's all I've thought about for months''It must mean something'
You kinda sound like your at the stage where you won't be pleased till you've had 'some sort' of fun with him.
But you really must understand (and you wont get it till it happens truth be told) Once you cross that line there is no denying/erasing it. There WILL come a stage when you will be riddled with guilt (if you do cross da line) You will ALWAYS feel unclean/dirty/used/cheap/silly.

We are in a recession, money might not be tight in EVERY household but everyone is certainly minding what they have. You could very well end up with a handsome and somewhat overweight divorced guy, not a penny to his name after maintenance is paid for, etc.
If your marriage fails (for what ever reason) and your hubby signs the house over to you (ya that happens) you will have to cover the mortgage yourself. The new guy will be squeezed so tight, he'll be lucky to the price of a bag a spuds by the time everything is paid for, so, no help from him. I could drone on & on & on...but I'd end up even boring myself!

If on the other hand, your thinking of a fling AND staying married in other words.. an affair.... It won't be enough for you. You will.. at some stage want more. Simpy cos you'll have a taste of something exciting and fantastic, and will want it everyday. In that case I'd point you to the above mentioned problems!

I once heard a woman say 'Men think the grass is greener, on the other side, it all looks so lush and appealing, but there comes a day when that grass has got to mowed too!'

OP, you deserve to have the absolute best marriage a woman should have! Lets be realistic, you've had a crappy time, but you managed to pick yourself up, lick your wounds and turn it around. You deserve A loving, kind, handsome, hubby. I think you have him already! Just give him a chance to make that happen! He's a man! you might have to break it down for him!!!! Sit him down, have that chat. Give him a chance to turn it around!

(I can assure you all of us here giving you advice have most probably been there, done that, we know only too well the horrible mess that it can cause, none of us what to see any woman/man/child go through the same thing. There a good reason why we are here answering, that's why we are so passionate/anal about it all) :-)

Merkin

I think you and your husband could really benefit from finding a new and impartial marriage counsellor to see if your marriage is worth saving.

Stavro Mueller

Merkin wrote: »

I think you and your husband could really benefit from finding a new and impartial marriage counsellor to see if your marriage is worth saving.

I couldn't agree with this more. Things can't go on the way they are. You're obviously miserable. I'm sure your husband feels no better. And don't think that the kids don't or won't notice things being wrong.

Both of you have damaged the marriage and each other. Maybe to a point where it's beyond repair - who knows? You can't keep dancing around each other and avoiding the problems that you're having. As things stand you're not handling the issues very well by yourselves so going to see a different counsellor probably would help.

If the end result is that it's best that the pair of you split up, maybe it might be better for both of you. You can still be loving parents - just not under the same roof.

levi12

Please please please hear what I have to say.
I have been the one hurt in a similar situation. My husband decided that our lack of intimacy was because I didn't care and went in search of someone to talk to online, which led to someone to text, then someone to meet, then more. But I found out. He lost weight, was short tempered, cross, down, borderline depressed. He was dying under the strain of the lies and cheating and I figured it out.
when I confronted him it caused devastation, only to me but my god its so very tough to be strong.
And the most important thing I have to tell you .....if he had just spoken to me he would have found out that I thought he didn't love me all along and had lost my confidence in myself because of it.....leading to lack of me initiating intimacy and waiting for him to show interest. I lost my friend in all this and he nearly lost his wife, children and friends.

just think for a minute, past the romantic illusions that television give you of stolen moments, steamy passion and remember, they always get caught in the end. Its on Corrie, East Enders, Emerdale and Fair City at the moment and it didn't work for any of them. I ask you to think of the reality of being the shunned woman in the neighbourhood, the pain you will ultimately cause your family especially your children and remember if you try with your husband you could either fix things and be so happy you spoke to him and tried....or .....you will know for sure there is nothing to save and go about separating the decent way and then finding someone.

what's easiest isn't always right or fair

good luck, be strong. If you married this man you must know him well enough to talk with him, explain how you feel and give him the benefit of trying at least. And do try counselling before giving up, it might surprise you.