can I trust my husband again

levi12

So here goes, I thought I was happily married but turns out it's all been a lie. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me. Not only that but I think he has fallen in love with the girl.

We have fought, cried, shouted, screamed, sat in silence, stayed apart, got back together and now we are just plodding along. Yes, we are still together, no I didn't go all East enders on him and throw him out on the street. I have children to consider . . . . . .

But not only that, I accept some responsibility in him wandering. Life hasn't been easy in the last few years and honestly, I questioned my feelings for him. But finding out he was hoping to leave me rattled me and my feelings. . . . I don't want to loose him. My exhaustion, lack of self interest, lack of adventure had come acrossas not loving him and he looked elsewhere.

So we are both wrong. Him more than me i am well aware of that but we have decided to try again. But I am so paranoid now. I know what he was able to do to hide this love affair so I'm worried i will miss it again.

I really want to trust him again, he is saying all the right things but my mind is threatened, heart broken, confidence shattered. He is distant from me and my concern is its all for show . . . .To let me down easy over time, that he is leaving me

Does anybody have similar experience or sound advice for me please.

irishgirl19

Hi OP. I feel so bad for you, I hope you're ok.
Maybe you could consider marriage counselling. I know accord offer it free and you could work on the trust issues.
Time is a great healer and if you love each other and make ago of it the trust will come back I believe.
Take the affair as an opportunity to recognise what caused the distance and the first place and get back on track and come back stronger than ever.
It will be hard but also if you are both serious,then try not to bring this up every time you may have an argument in the future.
Take care

Lorna123

So things weren't great with you OP and that's why he strayed. You have both discussed this now and have agreed to try again. My take on this is that he only strayed because he was not getting enough attention from you and now that all of this has been pointed out things will get better. He wants to try again and that is a good sign. He knows you will be watching him so I would say that you can trust him from now on. It takes time to adjust after something like this and you are watching him more closely for signs so you could be imagining that he is being distant. You both want things to work out so my gut instinct is that they will. So give him a chance. Best of Luck.

Czarcasm

Similar experience OP but I couldn't give you any more helpful perspective or advice than irishgirl and Lorna's above. It CAN work out, once you both really want it to and are both willing to put in the effort to make time for each other and try and be more understanding of each other, give each other a chance. Things won't change overnight and progress will be slow, but you CAN and you will get there.

Merkin

I think if you want to give this relationship a shot then you have to go for marriage councilling. You can decide to be together with the very best of intentions but there is going to be a lot of residual resentment, disappointment, mistrust and anger that will only be left to fester if not addressed head-on. The best chance of not repeating a mistake is to establish why it happened in the first place. A counselor will help you dig deep and establish why you checked out of the marriage and why he decided to seek solace elsewhere. It may be a tough road for you to travel for the foreseeable but I think pursuing it will give your marriage the best chance of survival.

December2012

I can't add anything except if I was in your shoes I would've done the same thing.

I think it would be too big to overcome by ourselves and I'd go and talk to a marriage counsellor together.

LegacyUser

i think because your asking no, but i am not you or him.

in my opinion once the trust is gone, its gone dont waste your life trying to fix something thats broken, life is to short

levi12

I do hope that the trust isn't gone ....forever, its certainly shaky for now but hopefully with counselling we can both move forward, and with any hope together. I always thought that if this happened to me that I would walk and never look back. Maybe I would if it was just me but its not. I think also when listening to the reasons why he did what he did I can see how he would think I wasn't interested and see why he might have been lonely. Don't get me wrong Im still livid at him when I think of what he did and how far he actually went with things, and the lies and the ability to lie so very well will be the hardest thing to come to terms with.
but we have been together for a very long time and im not ready to give up yet. Saying that, I will not be treated like a doormat either and I am well aware that now I know he has the capability to do this that I will always be wary. I hope I can trust again but I think if the feelings I have of lack of trust, if they don't fade in the coming months and if we don't try counselling together and try genuinely.....there will be nothing more to say and we will have to talk separation.
its desperate to think my life has come to this and that the love of my life has brought me here but I cant stay and wont stay with someone because its the easier road to travel. I wasn't made for that life. I don't give up easy but I do know when to call it a day.
thanks so much for the sound and genuine advice. I needed a friendly ear. I have nobody to turn to on this one without causing absolute mayhem or without being judged for my decisions. while its a safer route for my marriage .......tis a lonely route

levi12

So what do I do.

The background is that he had an affair after a rough patch in our relationship which unfortunately I was unaware of. We talked it out. We decided to try again. But from time to time the affair will spring back into my head during an argument and my raw feelings come pouringout. The most recent argument last weekend resulted in him trying to build my trust by showing me his emails, unfortunately one caught my eye. He said it was from an old website he visited during the time he was having his affair.

The big problem now is that of course I looked up the website and found his profile, but the information in it isn't from last year . . . .This profile seems to go back years. He promised he was only ever on one website that shared its info with a few websites but what I found was very specific information to this website.

What do I do. I love him so very much, I want our relationship to work, to find the love we have so much of once, but how do ever know him again. He has admitted to being unfaithful, having questioned his feelings for the past eighteen months . . ..but the profile gives details that go back years. I don't know the man that could do that, it's not the man I have given my all to.

Has anybody ever survived a situation like this or can I get advice on this.

Taltos

OP - as you already have a thread open on this topic I am merging them for you.

Wishing you all the best,
Taltos

Czarcasm

I don't really have anything to add since my last post two months ago OP except to say that it doesn't sound like you have tried to rebuild the trust in the relationship yet. It's only been two months so of course the feelings are still raw, but you really just need to try harder, not even for your relationships sake, but for your own sake.

Otherwise those raw feelings are going to fester and turn into bitterness and I imagine that's not the person you want to be. Your husband is incredibly lucky he has someone in his life that clearly cares for him as much as you do, but if you let the bitterness fester, that's all he'll see and he'll continue to fail to see all your good qualities that HE fell in love with.

That bitterness and mistrust if you let it fester will consume you, and years from now when the raw feelings have disappeared, you'll have gotten so used to throwing the affair back in his face that you won't even be conscious you're doing it any more, because it'll have become a matter of routine when you argue over the most trivial things -

"You forgot to put the cat out"

"Yeah well you had an affair"

"Ten years ago"

"Yeah, well, so? You still had an affair!"


Now just imagine how redundant and repeditive that sounds OP. You need to learn to let go before you can learn to trust your husband again.

Starokan

No matter how much talking etc you do you will never know the full extent of the affair, there will always be things popping up like that email which will take you back and instill doubt.

What matters is moving on do you trust him, thats the crux, if you deep down believe you can't then walk because if not you will question every thing and torment yourself trying to work out where he is, what he is doing etc

You have to move on one way or the other, and to do that you have to let the past go, way easier said than done but for now if you stay stop dissecting whats gone on before because something new will always pop up

eviltwin

I'm not sure you can rebuild trust when its clear he is still lying to you. He should have been totally honest with you when the affair came out about the extent of his deception, if he has been on dating sites for years how can you be sure this is his first affair?

You are accepting responsibility for the situation that led to the affair but if these profiles pre date that situation maybe its not that your husband was driven to an affair by circumstance, maybe he is just the cheating type?

I think its great that you are looking at the bigger picture and how your behaviour might have contributed to the affair but don't be so keen to accept responsibilty that you ignore his.

I don't know how you start rebuilding a relationship with someone who is not being honest.

levi12

It doesn't really matter anymore, he told me today that he doesn't love me anymore and no amount of counselling will change that. . . . Guess it's time to admit to myself what I had been desperately trying to hide from, it's over.

I have palpitations at the reality of this by just typing it. My husband, the love of my life, the man who has meant absolutely everything to me, the one. . . . . Is walking away. And I can't stop him.

I can't fix this can I.

So its toughen up and wait for the fall out, gossip, heartbreak, explaining to my baby's what's happened, and get used to being without someone who has just always been there. . . . 16 years nearly. Just gone.

Czarcasm

I'm truly sorry to hear that OP. BUT, if there's anything positive to take from this - at least your husband has been honest with you NOW, rather than drag on the charade for years purely "for the sake of the kids". You have to remember that his freedom is also your freedom. From the reading of your post above, it does kinda come off like you were used to the routine of having him there and took it for granted that he'd always be there. Hey, when you married him it's kind of expected that he would be there so there's no harm in that.

But now, your world's been turned upside down enough already, and there's some finality I suppose to the limbo you've been living in the last few months. This could be the fresh start you need too and could well be the making of you. Just reading over your OP again there from a few months back - you've suffered enough already trying to keep things going, and that's probably what's been holding you back and draining the life out of you.

Have you any family or friends you're close to that you could call on to visit or even go for a coffee with that could be there to offer you some support? I don't think you need worry too much about gossip, etc, 16 years ago people were pretty cruel about marriages breaking up alright, but nowadays, it's only curtain twitchers will bat an eyelid, and give it a few months down the line when you've got your life back on track, you'll be too busy getting on with things to entertain them!

Tasden

Op there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better right now. No matter how much you know you will be ok it wont matter coz you don't feel ok now. I'm sorry you had to go through all this. At least you have a definite answer now so you can begin moving on.

Sometimes its better to leave a broken mirror as it is than hurt yourself trying to fix it back together. I learned that the hard way. Once the trust is gone the bitterness and resentment takes over no matter how hard you try to let it go. As long as your babies are loved they're gonna be just fine don't you worry.

Chin up, you'll be ok.

levi12

I only asked one thing of him these last few months, to be true to his feelings and if he felt he couldn't do it, to tell me. And he has.

But I found myself begging him to stay yesterday . I have him totally confused now. He is so shocked that I haven't packed his bag and run him out of the house. Guess when I love someone, I love deep and love for life. I know I'm in shock, I know I can do this without him here but it's going to hurt like hell for a while.

He asked me yesterday what I wanted and said he feels like he doesn't feel anything these days but anger and frustration and it's not my fault but I am getting the brunt of it. He isn't sure how he feels and said he knows He will regret leaving me down the line. My answer to this was, in the nicest way while we sat side by side was that if I go through this, tell my family, upset my family, have to deal with the public reaction, then there will be no going back . . . . Now I know I can't say that is entirely true but I had to say it. I'm not entirely sure he knows what he is doing. He keeps saying it's like he feels the grass is greener somewhere else and he is missing out.

We have now decided to give each other space from talking, he is still here, I need that right now, my mind isn't on the children, I'm drained, so I need the support. He says he will give marriage counselling a go. If nothing else it will give us both time to either find out if we can clear some stuff or know for sure and why this really is over.

Clutching at straws I very well am but if counselling doesn't work then I can know we tried absolutely everything possible to save us. I need that.

Czarcasm

Again levi not much to add here, except to say you're handling the situation exceptionally well.

levi12

Thank you for all the advice and support when nobody else knew my secret. ,.Today I told my sister so it's real. I'm going to leave at that for a few days, but the pressure to keep going with nobody to tell is lifting unfortunately it means the end is nigh.

Thanks for supporting me when I needed it ♡♥

Lisha

I just want to wish you all the best Levi .

You've handled everything so far with great courage and dignity, and I'm sure you'll handle what's to come too in your own way.

Be strong, ask for and take any help offered by friends and family .
Fck anyone who is talking and gossiping.
No one knows what's ahead.

Your kids are lucky to have you.

missannik

My advice is to put a timeframe on it. Give yourself 6 months/ a year/ whatever feels comfortable for you, to give this a go... You've made the decision to give it a go, so make sure you give yourself time to actually do it. Be mindful that you'll have days where you'll want to pack it all in and you might make rash decisions, so take it day by day. Then decide what actions your husband needs to show that will help rebuild the trust that he broke. Words are a fantastic thing, but if actions aren't matching words, then you're going nowhere fast! He needs to show you that he wants to make it work, not talk about it.

Then when the timeframe has ended you will have tangible actions to make your full assessment on whether staying together is a viable option. Did he live up to the promises that he made? Has he shown through his actions that he wants to make it work?

As for telling people- keep it to a select few of people you know will be respectful. Us women like to tell anyone and everyone our troubles, just so we can vent and get other's opinions. Be careful of that!!! Some people will not give you good advice, not because they don't mean well, but they will mirror their fears and experiences and they just might not fit your own personal experience. So take other's opnions with a pinch of salt.

Good luck.

levi12

Thanks Lisha, missannik unfortunately we did this and while we both tried with date nights, talking more, sharing more interests, we are at the end. As you can see only a few days ago he agreed to try couple counselling and then said he couldn't. He told me I should tell someone as he was worried about me. When I came home to say I told my sister, who was very understand and not shocked at all as she could see it in us, she reassured me that I had done everything, but when I told him he looked so devastated. He went for a drive and hasn't come back. Don't worry I checked on him, he went home to his mother's house to visit. He is so lost. I guess maybe he isn't feeling the relief he thought he would from this becoming real. I am worried that he has no emotion and he told me today he can't understand how he is so numb. I will keep an eye on him. . . . . As a friend, he is the amazing father of my three greatest achievements and they need him safe and well so I will keep him that way .. ..from a distance.

Czarcasm

He's probably as wore out from it all Levi as you are tbh. The reality is probably a shock to him and he'll probably need some time for it to sink in. That's why I suggested earlier that you were coping with all this admirably well. It'd be great too if you both could come to an amicable separation.

The Separation and Divorce forum is full of great information and resources too that you may find helpful -

http://touch.boards.ie/forum/1533