Out at Work yay or nay!!!

LegacyUser

I've recently been considering coming out of the closet at work - but I am not sure whether I should.

I came out while in college to my friends, did the whole lgbt thing etc. I am out to all my friends, family and extended family and that is fine.

However not at work. I have always avoided it. I have been working at my office for 2 years now, and everyone there is lovely. In my role I spend a lot of my time working closely with other people in my team and my department. In particular my manager, and I suppose I am finding it harder to keep avoiding details about myself. Silly things, like where I go out on a night out(if it's been gay which is always), who I live with(my long term gf) etc.

I also feel like avoiding it is blocking me making real and meaningful connections with the people there. I feel lost and silly and like a big fake. Naturally I am not very out going, I am shy and socially awkward as it is, so hiding this on top of it is hard.

But then I also worry that what if coming out is not the right decision for me. There has been a couple of guys who were gay working there before and nobody really cared. I don't know why I feel shy being a gay woman. Possibly because I work mostly with women and as much as I will be slammed for saying it, women are happy being fag hags to guys but not always so yay with girls. Argh! I'm rambling!! Help me!!! Thanks !! I hope I haven't been offensive in this post!! xxx

ongarboy

I think you need to try and do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. I'm getting the impression that you are uncomfortable having to keep up a pretence or having to frequently think of a way of phrasing or covering your tracks when discussing your outside work life. Maybe to become more comfortable and relaxed, it is now time to start considering dropping information about yourself, your partner, where you socialised etc into the casual conversations if such topics come up. It's all about how ready you are to do so and whether you want to actually do it. I think if you are relaxed and comfortable (which comes from being honest with yourself and others) will allow connections with other people/workmates etc to nurture far more successfully.


I do think it's harder to "come out" once you're established for years in a workplace under the assumption you are straight. Maybe casually mention it to one workmate you are particularly close to when the subject of other halves or what you did at the weekend etc comes up. You'll find that word of mouth and office chit chat will spread the news and will save you having to come out in a grand dramatic way to each person. At the end of the day (assuming you don't work with bigoted narrow minded people -you've said that some gay men working there do not seem to have hassle), I think you will find that after an initial interest in the fact you are gay, everyone will move on to some new point of interest and generally go back to being more absorbed in their own lives (as most of us do if we're honest).

Annasopra

InorOut wrote: »

I've recently been considering coming out of the closet at work - but I am not sure whether I should.

I came out while in college to my friends, did the whole lgbt thing etc. I am out to all my friends, family and extended family and that is fine.

However not at work. I have always avoided it. I have been working at my office for 2 years now, and everyone there is lovely. In my role I spend a lot of my time working closely with other people in my team and my department. In particular my manager, and I suppose I am finding it harder to keep avoiding details about myself. Silly things, like where I go out on a night out(if it's been gay which is always), who I live with(my long term gf) etc.

I also feel like avoiding it is blocking me making real and meaningful connections with the people there. I feel lost and silly and like a big fake. Naturally I am not very out going, I am shy and socially awkward as it is, so hiding this on top of it is hard.

But then I also worry that what if coming out is not the right decision for me. There has been a couple of guys who were gay working there before and nobody really cared. I don't know why I feel shy being a gay woman. Possibly because I work mostly with women and as much as I will be slammed for saying it, women are happy being fag hags to guys but not always so yay with girls. Argh! I'm rambling!! Help me!!! Thanks !! I hope I haven't been offensive in this post!! xxx

You could tell a few people that you are comfortable with and not tell anyone else. You don't have to tell the entire office.

DarrenC_21

I find that for the most part people genuinely don't give a damn about sexuality these days. Even women towards lesbian women. Personally, I can relate to how you feel because even though I'm very outgoing now, I was a very shy guy when I first came out and I was particularly anxious about other mens responses. Over time though I came to realise that people don't care one way or the other, and if they do then they tend to be hiding something themselves.
I never would bring my sexuality up or feel I have to tell anybody that I am gay but for example if I'm talking to a co-worker and they say something about their girlfriend etc then I'll say 'oh well my boyfriend is the same....' etc. People can take it from that as far as I'm concerned and I hide nothing. If somebody asks me outright if I am gay I don't mind either.
As far as I'm concerned sexuality is a part of you but it's by no means what defines you as a person. I am me and I just happen to be gay. I wish you all the best of luck with this issue and that whatever approach you take to this goes well and makes you happy because that is what is important.

Vojera

In my limited experience, I've found that people make as big a deal out of it as you do.

If you make a big announcement then people think it's something major. If you mention it in passing ("Oh yeah, me and my girlfriend went to see Star Trek in the cinema at the weekend") then it might give people pause, but if they ask if you're gay just say "Yeah, I thought everyone knew?" and shrug it off. People tend to just get on with it then. In my experience anyway.

Ellie_Sm

I have been debating this myself and am so very tempted to just leave this accidentally open on my desktop!!!

Best of luck!!

http://www.autostraddle.com/coming-out-at-work-59763/

LegacyUser

People say that it doesn't matter but from my experience in work conversations people are insatiably interested in the love life of colleagues. Everyone likes a gossip.

I've decided not to tell anyone I work with as they aren't friends, they are work colleagues. It shouldn't effect my relationships with others but then again perhaps it will. Quite frankly it's none of their business who I sleep with. If you think it will enrich your working relationships and not impact on your work then tell them.

Irish Aris

I've never done an official outing at work. Some colleagues realised it themselves, I reckon some found out from Facebook (where I post without caring who's gonna view my posts) and some probably don't know. Every now and again I might throw a gay comment, so far I didn't have any negative reaction.
Having said that, not every case is the same. I am 41 and work in a multinational company where there is almost zero tolerance to any kind of discrimination. You just weigh the situation and decide accordingly.

Best of luck!!

MagnusDamm

There's a colleague if mine who's gay. He told everyone last year that he was a queer. He said it felt much better to get it off his chest.

Good luck!

Ambersky

I am not fully covered by the equality legislation but I am out at work and the place I am working in is the first one in Ireland I have been out in.
There have been a few times lately I have mentioned how difficult it was for me when I wasnt out at work and some of my colleagues seemed incredulous and wanted to know why I wasnt always out. They asked was it because I was too shy or embarrassed.
Later I found myself getting really annoyed because its so easy to forget or not to be aware of the real social and financial reasons why people remain closeted and to put it all down to some individual "shyness" or choice for that particular person. It wasnt all down to personal or individual choice for me. For some of my working life homosexuality was illegal and even now the churches have an exemption from having to fully implement equality legislation in cases that are contrary to their ethos.http://www.glen.ie/subpage.aspx?contentid=460&name=lgbt_employees
Some people who work part time feared and I think still fear, that they will not be chosen for full time jobs if they come up if they are out at work. Some people feared and I think still fear, that they may be passed over for promotions if they are out at work. Some people work in places where colleagues make jokes about LGBT people or where others make it clear they would not be welcome or accepted. Of course some people work in places that are more diverse and accepting. There are lots of people I am sure who have never felt any need to hide who they were and whos work places have never demonstrated an opposing view. Even where there is full legal protection people still have to go through their own personal journey and discover just how much of themselves they wish to share with others at work and some of that is down to personality.
A thing I really do notice though is that since I have come out at work my relationships with colleagues has vastly improved. When I wasnt out, one of the things I found I had to supress was my sense of humour and if I was to accidently out myself it was probably going to be because of some smart quip that I just couldnt resist. Now I can let that side out without fearing where it may take me and I find I can make people laugh and smile and we can all do with more of that at the moment.
While my colleagues have come a long way, like most people they still have work to do on their homophobia, but now we are engaging in a much more real way.
I used to hold back and never go to any after work events if I could help it, trying to avoid those drunken heart to hearts, when questions get asked that would never get asked in the cold light of day. In a way coming out at work has been not just my colleagues giving me a chance but me finally giving my colleagues a chance to get closer and I kind of feel sad that I didnt or wasnt able to give that opportunity to myself and to previous colleagues in other years.

L1011

I might be wary in certain occupations but I've been out without making any deal out of it in every job I've worked, from actual building sites doing TV installations through to IT.

Assuming you've not constructed a work-closet of an artificial life there shouldn't be any problem really.

oldyouth

From a straight point of view, I can only say that, in over 30 years, I've never experienced a colleague declare themselves as 'out'. I've worked with many gay people and it has always just been expected that you knew they were. Perhaps it is the wider workforce confirming what you thought yourself as you go along, so the question never needed to be asked.

Having said that, I am very close with one colleague, and I'm not sure as to their circumstances. It doesn't matter either way, given that we have always get on well at work

df1985

As of last night I am.....petrified for Monday (even though I know everyone will be fine), just horrible knowing ill be the main gossip for a while.

Drink is the devil!

FairytaleGirl

Vojera wrote: »

In my limited experience, I've found that people make as big a deal out of it as you do.

If you make a big announcement then people think it's something major. If you mention it in passing ("Oh yeah, me and my girlfriend went to see Star Trek in the cinema at the weekend") then it might give people pause, but if they ask if you're gay just say "Yeah, I thought everyone knew?" and shrug it off. People tend to just get on with it then. In my experience anyway.

THIS.
Exactly this.

Ambersky

If you have the internal belief in yourself and confidence to come out at work in a relaxed way, as part of normal conversation, you are probably already increasing the chances of things going well for you.
Me, when Ive done it, Ive tried to seem really relaxed and cool and as normal as possible but I was very conscious of every word I was saying and watching how it was going down.
Even though things go well for people coming out at work, in the majority of situations, I still think we need to acknowledge that it is difficult for some people in some situations.
This means it is not only up to the individual to make it a positive experience. Homophobia makes it difficult to come out at work - not the good or bad personality of the LGBT person. Not everyone has the confidence to face it as well as some people do and its not their fault.

Maybe that is hard to imagine if you have never had any difficulty and maybe it is even hard to believe that others have any difficulties so it might be useful to look at some statistics
.

LGBT people who are out at work can be vulnerable to harassment, bullyingand discrimination in their careers.
A recent survey of 1110 Irish LGBT people found:

Experience of victimisation in the workplace:........ Ever % ............. Current Job %

Verbally threatened by work colleagues .............. 14.7..................... 3.2
Physically threatened by work colleagues............. 6.7..................... 1.3
Called hurtful names by work colleagues.............. 26.8 ................... 8.9
Missed work to avoid any of the above............... 9.3 ................... 1.9

Mayock et al 2009

In a recent survey by the Public Service Executive Union
41 per cent of LGBTrespondents
(as compared to only 30 per cent of heterosexual respondents)
agreed with the statement that there was an uncomfortable atmosphere for LGBT people in their workplaces.
(Lee and Hannigan 2009).

mikemac1

df1985 wrote: »

As of last night I am.....petrified for Monday (even though I know everyone will be fine), just horrible knowing ill be the main gossip for a while.

Drink is the devil!

Gossip dies, after a few days any drunken act you did on a night out with workmates will be forgotton.

Unless it was ridiculously bad like abusing some manager! :pac:

If all you did was tell your colleagues about yourself on this night out then realy nobody cares.

Nobody likes everyone they work with and this wouldn't affect you much at all.
You'll still have the same lunch buddies and you'll still have the same feuds