Should I ask for money?

Mrs Garth Brooks

Im worrying so much today

Had to bring the dog to the vet as she was limping for over a week. It just wasnt getting better with rest. She's in getting xrays. Got an estimate for today and it'll be around €250. She's getting old, so it could be arthritis or could be something else. Arthritis is more money on prescriptions. More money.

Its been years since she was at the vets and I feel so bad. There's a couple more things that need doing like teeth cleaning and sampling a lump.

Its all money, money, money. Which I dont have to be wasting. Ok the dog isnt a waste. She's my best friend and the love of my life and im in tears writing this. But she wouldnt see the vet if it wasnt for me. No one else would book an appointment, no one else would take her. Im getting lumped with the responsibility.

The only reason why its been years since seeing a vet is because I went to college and moved away. So the distance of travelling and being a student and living frugally meant I couldnt bring her.

Im finished the course and im back at home on the dole, until I get work. If anyone remembers reading a post of mine, I was thinking about going to australia for a year. Or a move to UK for work. So I know what people are thinking, how am I funding the move and its money for the vet. So where's this money? I saved my ass off for college. As I was living of savings, I wasnt on the p!ss for the duration of the course. For my first year of college I was living on €150 a week including rent, bills, food, bus fares. It wasnt easy. I still had some savings left for the second year of my course but not enough savings to see me through the year but I got the back to education allowance which is the same as the dole. Because of this I still have the savings. Not too bad at all. To be exact, I have four thousand euros which is enough for the australian bank account. It wouldnt get me far over there so im still thinking. But its work I want, and il be back after a year so Im applying to jobs on this side of the world, including England. In fact, I think I would prefer England more. For my career, England is the place. But my savings is going to help to set me up over there. Or here. Even if I get work in Ireland, im going to have to move, so I need a deposit+the first months rent in advance. Im going to have to have something to live on for the first month until I get payed. Without the savings, I cant take up work.

It was my brother who brought the dog home 8 years ago. He didnt ask anyone, just arrived home with this puppy. A month later, he went to australia for 2 years on a working holiday visa. Without a thought for the dog or who will mind her.

At the time I was working, so I looked after her. I bought her food, worming tablets, flea drops, bought new leads when she chewed them. It was a female dog, so she had to be neutered or we end up with unwanted puppies, over and over again. I just couldnt put the dog through that. So this was the first family pet that ever saw a vet. Other dogs we had growing up were male. My family thought I was mad to bring her to the vet but I couldnt have the dog having puppies. Around here, the done thing was to drown them in the river. But of course, the cost was on me. Since getting neutered, I got her vaccinated on a yearly basis, got her teeth cleaned when needed, I got her insured and the dog license in my name. For a dog I never brought home in the first place.

I payed for everything for 5 years because no one else did, until I went back to college.

So my brother who took her home in the first place went to australia for 2 years and left us with the dog. He hasnt payed 1 cent towards her. She's the families dog now.

After 2 years, my brother came home, where he stayed for 5 years. During this time, he was working, living at home but wasnt paying his way. Its not his fault, my mother did allow that behaviour. His money was his to drink and go on holidays. No housekeeping was expected, no bills and their food bought. It was the same for my other two brothers. Myself and my sister had to pay housekeeping, bills, food. It was all take, take, take of the girls. And all give, give, give for the lads and excuses made. Where was the balance, most weeks I had fcek all left over. I was only able to save for the course because I would live on beans and porridge,no joke, and I had be a bit selfish in giving up the sky tv, I was paying €70 a month and it was the lads watching it. I was in a job I hated, no satisfaction, I was bullied and then supporting three grown men and there would be holy war if I ever questioned my mother on the situation. I was a girl, I had to pay up and "lads will be lads". (Some day, I might go for counselling over this). I gave up everything for the course but I also gave up pet insurance.

I only mention the above unfair treatment, cause its relevant enough, I think. As in, my mother always expected the girls to be responsible and struggle.

Anyway, two of my brothers are back in australia again, including the brother who left us with the dog. They're earning very good money. I think its time they help out. I mentioned to my mother that we should send on the veterinary bill to my brother. And her excuse, dont be worrying him. He hasnt worried in 8 years over the dog. And im meant to struggle. Or am I being selfish, considering I have savings?

ibarelycare

It's basically been your dog for the past 5 or 6 years, so yes, you should pay. Your brother didn't force you to keep the dog on after he left, and the dog is nothing to do with him. It shouldn't take you too long to save another €250.

Have you made plans for your dog for when you move away?

And yes, I think after your numerous threads and posts about your mother and brothers, that counselling would be a very good idea.

ynul31f47k6b59

I don't think you're being selfish but I also think counselling would be a good idea. I think you should pay for the dog.

Diziet

If you feel you should send the bill to your brother, then why do you ask your mother's permission? You already knew what she would say, I expect.

Fluorescence

The dog is yours now, has been for 8 years. Of course you should pay. It will take a lump out of your savings, but is the 4-legged best friend & love of your life not worth it? You'll get the money back again after saving another while. Even if it is something that requires an on-going prescription. Make do. It's your doggy.

If you can't afford her, have her rehomed.

Meauldsegosha

You took on responsibility for the dog when your brother left so you should pay her vets bills. You could have had the dog rehomed 8 years ago but you didn't. You have to live with your choices.

Helgele

You can ask but don't get your hopes up because you aint gonna get a penny from there...it's not about who's right and who's wrong it's all to do with parenting and accepted/ learned behaviors. Your mother has established classical dysfunctional family setting and there's no way you gonna change her ways or attitudes.
It's definitely not healthy or anyway normal but unfortunately your brothers will always be the priority for your mother and you as a girl had never really chance for proper support so don't blame yourself on this. Please do some research on dysfunctional families and it all starts making sense.

It sounds harsh but do not spend your savings on a family dog - it's your parents responsibility to sort out. You need all the start up funds you have to go off and do your thing. The further away from the family the better for you btw...many many girls end up emigrating not as much for financial reasons but to escape these type of families and relationships. It's very hard to experience favoritism, unfairness in a family and not get damaged along the way.
By keeping distance you gain objectiveness and avoid repeating the same mistakes with your own family. Your mother is behaving like this because that's what she learned from her childhood and there's probably bit jealousy regarding improved opportunities you have these days...

dixiefly

I dont think that you have anything to lose by writing and / or calling your brother and explaining that you are struggling to support the dog financially. The last thing that you want is for you to give up the dog and then him to find out and say that he would have helped.

Another option is to write to both of your brothers a more general note saying that it is the family's dog and that these are the upcoming costs and would they consider splitting the cost. That would be better than asking one of your brothers directly.

Regarding what is the right or wrong thing to say, if you are happy with what you say and you feel it is justified then say it. In the long run I have found that to be the best course of action.

If you wish post the letter you propose to write here and we will critique it.

Kosseegan

write and tell your brother you have had the dog put down because you couldn't afford the bill. He will then say "why didn't you ask me"? Then tell him the truth and he will pay up.

Mrs Garth Brooks

Helgele wrote: »

You can ask but don't get your hopes up because you aint gonna get a penny from there...it's not about who's right and who's wrong it's all to do with parenting and accepted/ learned behaviors. Your mother has established classical dysfunctional family setting and there's no way you gonna change her ways or attitudes.
It's definitely not healthy or anyway normal but unfortunately your brothers will always be the priority for your mother and you as a girl had never really chance for proper support so don't blame yourself on this. Please do some research on dysfunctional families and it all starts making sense.

It sounds harsh but do not spend your savings on a family dog - it's your parents responsibility to sort out. You need all the start up funds you have to go off and do your thing. The further away from the family the better for you btw...many many girls end up emigrating not as much for financial reasons but to escape these type of families and relationships. It's very hard to experience favoritism, unfairness in a family and not get damaged along the way.
By keeping distance you gain objectiveness and avoid repeating the same mistakes with your own family. Your mother is behaving like this because that's what she learned from her childhood and there's probably bit jealousy regarding improved opportunities you have these days...

This is it. But I was never allowed these improved opportunities. When I was a kid, 8 years old, myself and my sister werent allowed swimming lessons in school. My 3 brothers were. Thats just one example. We werent allowed to go to kids birthday parties, school tours or discos as teenagers. She would often create such an atmosphere when studying for exams, she would often come in and throw our books all over the place. We were never good enough. There was some physical abuse and alot of emotional abuse. I remember she would lock me out of the house for whatever fcuk up reason and wouldnt let me in until past midnight. Take me in before my dad came home from the pub. 10 years old, what did I ever do? Another time, she locked me out and I slept in the shed with the dog. That was my childhood. It was fcuked up. In our 20s it was more financial abuse.

I really want to get counselling to see if it helps.

Im back from the vet. It was €250 today. It could be worse and it very well can be. The poor dog has the start of a knee problem. She needs 3 weeks of strict rest, no walks, no jumping, and bring her out on her lead to go out to the toilet. If we cant manage this over 3 weeks, she needs surgery costing around €800.

We got it early, so thats great. I had to go out awhile ago. But before going, I took the dog out on her lead to go to the toilet. I was gone for 15 minutes and came home to find the dog out on her own and she ran the down the driveway to meet me. Im in tears, did my mother purposely have her out to get me down, I can cough up €800. My mother swore blind she was standing at the back door watching her. I found her at the front of the house and she ran to meet me. I only had her out 15 minutes before that. This is day 1 and the minute I have my back turned and my own mother is already getting me down. What do I do?

Helgele

As I mentioned there's nothing you can do to change your mothers behavior but you can change your life by moving away. Definitely think about getting some counselling - the hardest part is to face the reality, your family is not there to support or help you in any way. The sooner you start dealing with this the faster is your recovery...distance yourself from dysfunction and start seeing things the way they are...

Dark Phoenix

OP I think you definately need to move out of home and take some steps to deal with your issues with your mum and brothers. Even this thread that was supposedly about a dog comes across as a very detailed post about your past and what you didnt get versus what they did get etc. It comes across as you always feeling hard done by and if you can get past this and let it go I honestly think you would be a lot happier. You are an adult now and control your own destiny. You live with your mum so why not try and give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes insteda of assuming she let the dog run around because she wants you to have to spend 800 euro on an operation. if your mum genuinely didnt want you to have money she wouldnt be letting you live at home.

The dog is you say your best friend well then it shouldnt be such a big question about whether you should spend some of your savings getting her looked after?

In terms of where to move to - you have saved up your money so why not make a decision and go for it instead of staying in a rut. I know when I lived at home I struggled a bit but once I moved out my relationship with my parents improved dramatically.

HardLuckWoman

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

She's my best friend and the love of my life and im in tears writing this.

I only mention the above unfair treatment, cause its relevant enough, I think.

If she's important to you, she should be worth it. Being treated whatever way you feel you've been treated by your family has nothing to do with the dog, or your care for it.

If you choose not to take responsibility for the dog, fair enough, but that's YOUR decision, no one is forcing you to do anything. If you do (as you seem to be) decide to take care of it, well done and fair play, but after you've made the decision you're not accomplishing anything by holding it against your family as though you've been forced to step up. You're an adult making your own choices - you need to stand by the decisions you make.

Dark Phoenix

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

I got her insured and the dog license in my name.

if the dog is insured check if it covers the operation?

strandroad

Leave your mother out of all this, she is clearly a difficult woman who has created a dysfunctional family and drove her children apart. Your effort with her should be focused on detaching and moving out. She's beyond repair (no, it's not fair but you can't change it so please focus on yourself).

What's your brother like? Since it was so many years ago it's not really a good argument to appeal to his responsibility for the dog if you haven't been doing it from the start. But would he normally help you out in other situations? Is he a nice guy, just clueless about your situation etc because he's been spoilt? Write to him them. But if he's uncaring and selfish, don't.

If you see the dog as your dog and friend you need to sort her out I'm afraid. Have you thought about what happens to her when you move away? The attitude your parents display means that as she is aging she will be left in pain and illness, she may end up hit by a car. Would you consider rehoming? It's not easy to rehome and older dog but it's not impossible if you spend time talking to specialised rescues.

Mrs Garth Brooks

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

if the dog is insured check if it covers the operation?

I got her insured when my brother left her with us. Along with everything else. No one else was going to do anything for her. But when I went back to college and moved out, I cancelled the insurance. So now its too late.

I think some poster mentioned that my situation isnt relevant. I thought it might. In that, I want to ask my brothers to help out, especially the brother who left us with the dog. And my mother said dont be worrying them, we'll deal with it. I just see it as dont be putting the bill on them. As in we'll struggle on cause its what women are meant to do. We're always meant to hand over money and the lads can do whatever they want.

ibarelycare

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

I got her insured when my brother left her with us. Along with everything else. No one else was going to do anything for her. But when I went back to college and moved out, I cancelled the insurance. So now its too late.

I think some poster mentioned that my situation isnt relevant. I thought it might. In that, I want to ask my brothers to help out, especially the brother who left us with the dog. And my mother said dont be worrying them, we'll deal with it. I just see it as dont be putting the bill on them. As in we'll struggle on cause its what women are meant to do. We're always meant to hand over money and the lads can do whatever they want.

Sorry, but you're like a broken record. There's only so much self-pity one person can have. This is supposed to be about your dog. Forget about your mother and brothers for once and focus on what you originally asked about. If you love your dog as much as you say you do, then you'll pay for what needs to be done. You've managed to save up that money, you live at home so you can't have many expenses, so you can save it up again. You said the dog is your best friend, so it should be a no-brainer. Have you decided on what you're going to do with the dog when you move abroad?

movingsucks

I'm very sorry to read about what you're going through, but it seems like the only person who cares about the dog's well being is you.
Your mum left her out when she wasn't meant to etc.

I don't know what your relationship with your brothers is like but I think you could ask them to contribute, even if it's only a small amount, they might surprise you and the worst they can say is no.
I think you really need to concentrate on moving away from your mother asap though.
You can't live like this.

Legs.Eleven

OP, I've read multiple posts by you and have contributed in terms of advice. I gave you info about how much living in London will cost on another thread but you started that thread and vanished! I don't want to have a go a you but I've seen this a fair bit over the past few years.

I can't give you advice about the dog as I know nothing about dogs and I suppose I don't understand how much a dog can mean to someone having never had one and it'd be too easy for me to tell you to give it away to a good home. With regards to your family, you won't change them. I could sit here all morning and reel off stories about my own childhood. I know many people on Boards can and of course they are sad but but you know what? I'm a 33 year old woman and it's gone beyond the stage where I can use that as an excuse for the way I am or the decisions I make in my life. This is MY life now. I'm not living it for anyone else. I moved out when I was 21 partly because living at home at that time became unbearable. I got a part-time job, shared bedroom with a best friend to save on rent and lived independently away from my family and I was studying at that time as well. Relations immediately improved and with all of us living our independent lives and the situation in my family is unrecognisable to how it was 15 years ago.

I'm not going to tell you my life story only to tell you I'm rooting for you. After the thread you posted in another part of Boards deciding between the UK and Australia, I was really hoping you'd bite the bullet and make a decision. I want to see you make that move and I really hope you do (Australia sounds like a great plan btw). You're obviously unhappy living at home with your mam, you're unemployed...what have you got to lose? Don't make anymore excuses, don't let the past drag you down. You're an adult now and this is YOUR life, not your mam's. You can't change the past, so all you can do is say, "Fcuk it!", and do what you have to do to be happy.

Really best of luck with it all. I hope you decide to go (UK or Australia). I moved to London 7 years ago with about a a grand and a half for rent and desposit (which left me with about 500 'till I got paid) and got a job almost immediately selling ice-cream. Not ideal but eventually got a decent job with a contract. Anything is better than your current situation, don't you think? You can make either situation work if you simply bite the bullet and not overanalyse every decision you make and just do it. You'll just talk yourself out of it if you foresee problems before you're even there. I promise you that moving away will be the making of you. With that distance from your family, relations might improve and at least it'll be a case of "out of sight, out of mind". The fact that you're there in the family home means you can never move on as you've constant reminders all around you.