To Friend or not to Friend, that is the question.

LegacyUser

I've been meaning to write this a long time ago but finally plucked up the courage to ask advice knowing in advance I will be heavily criticised, but that is the point maybe?

I'm a 21 year old man, who several months ago, got chatting to a guy over the internet who happened to be interested in the same things I was. This individual does not live in Ireland but nevertheless we found ourselves chatting about 6-8 hours a day for the first 4-6 months and it's declined to about 3-4 hours these days. We only know each other 10 months. He really likes me because I'm interested in all the things he is and says that I'm the only one he can chat to about his interests, he hasn't met anyone in his own country who he 'clicked' with. So he looks up to me and we feel really close to one another.

That is exactly where the problems begin. Lately, maybe over the past three months, I've felt very strongly toward him, to the point of being sexually attracted and have become intensely jealous whenever he tells me he's made a new friend or when he meets a girl. I also despise when he starts to play computer games with his other two friends whom he appears to be growing closer to and I wish he would spend more time chatting to me, the friend he claims to care so much about. Like him, I've had problems in the past but never opened up about them and 2-3 months ago, I did. Ever since then, I've noticed myself becoming more negative toward him and becoming more self-pitying (saying things like we can never be friends, deleting him off Facebook, you wish I wasn't gay etc.) to the point where he tells me 'All you want to talk about these days is negative self-pitying stuff'. He's also said I've become more controlling. I don't know what's happened in the course of our friendship where it turned from healthy fun conversation to negative self-pitying conversation.

This problem is exacerbated given that I'm supposed to be meeting him in a few months in his home country but told him last night we wouldn't be meeting for 'personal reasons' although I could never possibly highlight I fancy him (which by the way, he wouldn't care, but nonetheless, don't want to admit it) and get highly jealous. I told him last night that I didn't want to be close friends with him and that I only wanted to be associate friends that can talk every few months. He will obviously be distraught by this but I'm so sick and tired of hearing how he's doing so well and meeting so many new people lately and the bad thing is that he attributes this success partly because of the help I gave him when he was feeling depressed when we first got talking.

I'm now in a quandary and feel guilty for not talking with him, for not going to meet him in a few months (which I would like to meet him but imagine the jealousy consequences). But I feel so bad when talking with him that he'll say something that'll make me fume and get jealous and then the angry side of me takes over and I become annoying and self-pitying. I don't know how to break this cycle and don't know if I should keep him as a friend at all. He worships the ground I walk on and I love him as a friend as well of course but maybe my emotions have destroyed this friendship. I'd like to see what you guys think. I know my behaviour is bad but it's almost as if I can't help these feelings coming on.

Merkin

Step away from the laptop. Seriously. You are far too emotionally invested in a virtual friendship. I know you can form seemingly close bonds to someone online but this person is taking up far too much of your time (6-8 hours a day, really? :eek:) and actually taking you from real life and the opportunity to make real and meaningful friendships with people who live close by....

This is merely a bad habit/addiction that you need to break. Contact him one last time and tell him that you are no longer enjoying your interaction and go out and meet real people.

Lorna123

From what you have written I most definitely would not meet this guy. You come across as way to heavy in this friendship. You can't even bear him chatting to someone else on a computer. I am presuming you are gay and he isn't, so you are looking for more than he is able to give you. So my advice would be to back off and forget about him. You probably need to develop other interests rather than spending hours chatting to someone you haven't even met.

December2012

Think about why you're obsessing over this guy? You can tell its not a healthy or balanced relationship - why is that?

Stavro Mueller

Would I be right in guessing that you’re lonely and don’t have much of a social life? When your own life is a bit hollow and empty it’s easier for something like this to happen. You’ve invested a lot of time and emotion in someone you’ve never met. You’ve turned him into something he can never be.

For your own sake you need to make changes in your own life. Reading between the lines you sound like someone who spends far too much of his time at his laptop or online. This guy filled a void in your life and helped mask other shortcomings in it.

What you need to do now is make changes in your own life. Sitting on your own in a room isn’t going to make you happy. You need to get yourself some sort of a social life and start interacting with human beings who are here rather than on a computer screen. I’m not saying you should completely cut contact with your friend if you can handle weaning yourself off him. Maybe if your everyday life was more active you’d be happy to have him as a friend you catch up with every now and then to shoot the breeze.

Oh, and needless to say meeting up with him in your current state is a terrible idea.

LegacyUser

OH god i couldve written that post myself. I became friends with a man online and developed feelings for him. ive never said a word because i know he doesnt feel that way towards me. i am nothing more than an online pal to him. i know that my crush is based on a fantasy and is saying uncomfortable things about me. i dont get out much, im overweight and im crippled with shyness. that is probably why i latched onto him. hes a nice man who has been kinder to me than many oters from real life.

MY online friend has been seeing his girlfriend for a while now and that hurts. he has significantly reduced the time he spends online. Where I used to hear from him every day its now only every other day. this is why i know all those awful feelings of anger jealousy and self pity. ive thought about ignoring him and delete from facebook. maybe i should but not for the wrong reasons.

for me i think the situation will resolve itself. as he becomes more serious about his gf i see our friendship petering out. im trying to lose the weight and am going to try harder to get out. i need to change my real life and stop the fantasy. i think ive got the feelings of jealusy and the wanting control because i sense him slipping away. in your story that is what is happening i think. he doesnt need you in the same way any more and is moving on. youre still stuck in the same place and you dont want things to change. think about that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys, I've definitely digested them.

@Merkin: As I stated before, it was 6-8 hours at the start, but these days it's more like 1-3 hours to be honest. It's a mutual friendship so it's not me randomly demanding to chat, it's very much an equal thing here, I might not have clarified that point in my opening remarks. I don't think I could ignore him forever as we have become mutually close and I have invested heavily into the friendship, as has he, and it would sully the concept of friendship to completely abandon it. But yes, it has crossed my mind which is why I've opened this thread.

@Lorna: I'm still 50:50 as to whether I'll meet him or not but it looks as if I'll decide against meeting him.

@Cymbaline: I would agree, yes, with all of your post, especially the part at the beginning, so maybe I'll have to re-structure my life in some way.

Thanks again for the replies guys, appreciated and helps place my thinking into an appropriate context.

thefeatheredcat

JealousGuy wrote: »

He really likes me because I'm interested in all the things he is and says that I'm the only one he can chat to about his interests, he hasn't met anyone in his own country who he 'clicked' with. So he looks up to me and we feel really close to one another.

That is exactly where the problems begin. Lately, maybe over the past three months, I've felt very strongly toward him, to the point of being sexually attracted and have become intensely jealous whenever he tells me he's made a new friend or when he meets a girl. I also despise when he starts to play computer games with his other two friends whom he appears to be growing closer to and I wish he would spend more time chatting to me, the friend he claims to care so much about. Like him, I've had problems in the past but never opened up about them and 2-3 months ago, I did.

Ever since then, I've noticed myself becoming more negative toward him and becoming more self-pitying (saying things like we can never be friends, deleting him off Facebook, you wish I wasn't gay etc.) to the point where he tells me 'All you want to talk about these days is negative self-pitying stuff'. He's also said I've become more controlling. I don't know what's happened in the course of our friendship where it turned from healthy fun conversation to negative self-pitying conversation.

OP with the bits in bold, do you see a connection between you confiding in him and how you have been since?

Why has your behaviour changed? I would guess possibly because you have confided in him, but perhaps even subconsciously sabotaging a valuable friendship to prevent yourself from getting hurt? Especially if you do have emotional or sexual feelings for him, which he doesn't?

It sounds like the distance in your friendship is being created by you by by talking about self pitying stuff that while may validate what you feel, doesn't validate his reason for your friendship and would make other new friends more appealing as a consequence; In addition by telling him you don't want to be close friends anymore, by doing so you're hurting both yourself and him, yourself because you're losing a friend you valued and grew close to with shared interests to protect yourself from hurt and distance yourself from negative emotions of jealously and (maybe?) lacking self esteem and hurting him in ending the friendship while being a fair bit passive aggressive.

JealousGuy wrote: »

He will obviously be distraught by this but I'm so sick and tired of hearing how he's doing so well and meeting so many new people lately and the bad thing is that he attributes this success partly because of the help I gave him when he was feeling depressed when we first got talking.

OP part of helping people through a tough time is the reward of seeing the effect of that help has on the person, that there is someone that can empathise, relate, even help and make their lives better as a result. Rather than being jealous that as a direct result of your help in being there for him, his life has changed for the better and he has you to thank and that entirely should make you happier in being happy for him.

You need to find a way of dealing with your emotions, express them in other ways, in creative ways if you can, even just acknowledge what you feel and accept that you feel that way. There's nothing wrong with negative emotions unless they run out of control that impacts other people or makes things bad for you and make you feel bad about yourself as a person. Guilt can be a good thing, when you feel remorseful, but more importantly that you can act on them and set things right, rather than live with the regret of never setting things right and having the guilt eat away at you or make you unhappy or cause you to be restrictive on expressing yourself or being friends or getting close to others.

I think you should apologise anyway for your behaviour; it can be hard to see others suddenly get on really well in life, but you just have to wish them well and hope for the best for them, and it is more rewarding to be a well wisher than someone who makes life more difficult for someone because of how they feel.

As for whether you should stay or be friends... perhaps that is not up to you to decide that. I would say for now just apologise for your behaviour and see how things go.

LegacyUser

@thefeatheredcat:

I found your post very informative and you appear to have hit the nail on the head. I'm appearing to shy away from being hurt and going against him as a defence mechanism. This is not an appropriate way to behave of course. Thanks for your post, it has certainly made me think much more about this problem.