a Facebook issue

LovelyCat

Hi there.
I've had this lovely friend whom I've known for years. He works in the local shop that I visit very often. We'd always chat for a good while about anything and he was always here to listen and to talk. Then something happened and he suddenly started to avoid me, or pretend to be too busy... I was very upset about him (cos I missed our chat so much) so I found him on facebook and he accepted my friend request. I sent him message that I feel he hates me and I don't know what I did wrong. The next day I called in the shop he would be all around me telling me everythings fine, just he is too busy. Any way to make story short - somewhere along the line I think we both fell in love with each other. But... we both are married...obviously don't want to cheat on our partners...
So I have seen his posts on facebook, hit like couple of times... next thing I know - he deleted his account. I asked him why he said he was getting bored of it. I knew it wasn't true but accepted it.

Things then changed for better, he would take every chance to make sure I notice him, poked me, we chatted again...
Two weeks ago I found out (by a chance) that he created a new account, without any pictures, but... he's got all his former friends there, all his colleagues... everyone and everything he had there before...except me... and he is very active like he was before.
I went mad and when he said hi and why I'm in a bad mood today, I exploded. The next day I called in and said to him that I am angry with him but I can't tell him why and if he could give me some time to get over it.
Then he got sick and I didn't see him for a while. When I saw him after he was back at work, I couldn't help it and I just avoided him, but he noticed that I was avoiding him. My heart was breaking cos all I wanted was to speak to him, ask him is he ok, but I couldn't. Now I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like he fooled me even though I understand it may was too dangerous for him to have ma amongst his friends. Especially when I know all of his colleagues and talk to them as well.
Overall I would let the time to do its justice and it would all settle somehow but one of his colleagues was helping me last week and now we talk more than before and I find it weird that I talk to his coleague and laugh with him while I ignore my good friend without telling him why I am mad at him. Should I just pretend I don't know about his account? Because I miss him so much, however, I can't forgive him especially if I know that everybody else is there. So what would you do???

I was sure I was special to him just like he was special to me, but we both are limited by the strings we're attached to, so we were just enjoying those little bits we're allowed to enjoy. I found in him what I'm missing at home please don't judge me for that

DeltaWhite

My advice is to leave him alone. Stop the Facebook chatting.

You said: I found in him what I'm missing at home

Then go home and try sort out the issues that's causing you to look elsewhere! If your marriage isn't working, you have an obligation to try and fix it. If it cannot be fixed then you need to do the right thing and end it!

He obviously is uncomfortable with you on his Facebook, he might be too embarrassed to say it to your face when you go in to the shop where he works. Why else would he have set up another page? He even deleted his page before.. Alarm bells ringing!

P. Breathnach

He's married. It seems that he wants to keep himself at a safe distance from you. I think he is doing the right thing.

You really should be doing the same thing.

JaneeMack

I don't understand how he is your ''friend''? He sure is your acquaintance - a guy who works at a shop that you go to all the time but clearly, he isn't your friend. He probably wants your business and is being polite/nice and going along with the chats but he sure isn't your friend. There are indications everywhere in your sentences that this man is trying to avoid you - obviously, you probably crossed the line somewhere and made it uncomfortable for him? - and I think you know that too?

Why did you think you were special to him? Also, what is this that you're missing at home? A harmless flirting, is it?

I wouldn't consider someone I talk to at a shop as my 'friend' even if it was everyday. You should let the poor man get on with his job and keep it as a friendly chat - nothing more, nothing less.

LovelyCat

yes, that's what I did for a good while - I was avoiding him, kept the distance...any time I did so he would either make his way around me and poke me or say hi or his mood changed if he saw me avoiding him. you can take my word for this that I was quite sure it wasn't just in my mind. there were times when I'd look at him and he would be looking in my eyes for a very long time...

and my marriage...I was trying to fix it. unfortunately, I can't force someone to love me if that someone always finds someone else better than me...if two kids were not involved, we would be separated. I don't want to cheat on my husband what I'm missing is pure simple love...

JaneeMack

LovelyCat wrote: »

yes, that's what I did for a good while - I was avoiding him, kept the distance...any time I did so he would either make his way around me and poke me or say hi or his mood changed if he saw me avoiding him. you can take my word for this that I was quite sure it wasn't just in my mind. there were times when I'd look at him and he would be looking in my eyes for a very long time...

and my marriage...I was trying to fix it. unfortunately, I can't force someone to love me if that someone always finds someone else better than me...if two kids were not involved, we would be separated. I don't want to cheat on my husband what I'm missing is pure simple love...

So, keep keeping the distance! Normal people look into each other's eyes when they make a conversation - not because they are falling in love with each other!

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. It seems like you have a low self-esteem (someone else better than me?). Love yourself and value yourself - your children and husband will appreciate this. Why do you think somebody else is better than you? You are special the way you are and if you dont see this yourself, nobody will.

I cannot tell you what to do about your marriage but if you are looking for 'simple love' outside your marriage, I think it is clear that it is time to end it.

changeling

He's a married man! Stop looking for love in all the wrong places. You already have it in spades, two children! And stop looking for validation outside of yourself, especially with a man who is taken already.

You need to work on your own life, this smacks of avoidance.

DeltaWhite

and my marriage...I was trying to fix it. unfortunately, I can't force someone to love me if that someone always finds someone else better than me...if two kids were not involved, we would be separated. I don't want to cheat on my husband what I'm missing is pure simple love

So are you saying your OH is cheating on you? I understand children are involved here but why are you still with someone who is obviously making you unhappy. I reckon you are so unhappy with your situation that you are picking up on flirting signals that aren't really there. Shop man is probably just being polite and cheerful, maybe at the start he was flirting but the way he has avoided you, and they way you go in and confront him in the shop because he wouldn't talk to you is slightly shocking.

You can't go into someone's place of work and treat them like that! I think you really need to step back here and look at your behaviour LovelyCat.

Lux23

Ah leave the poor man alone, he may feel the same way but loves his wife so you need to stop chasing him. If things are bad at home then try and do something about it. Don't try wrecking someone else's marriage.

Merkin

This is not a Facebook issue as your title suggests, it goes a whole lot deeper than that. You have an unrequited infatuation with a man in a shop who was pleasant to you. You may have enjoyed chats and banter with him but ultimately that could just boil down to good customer service and you reading a whole lot more into it.

LovelyCat wrote: »

I was sure I was special to him just like he was special to me, but we both are limited by the strings we're attached to, so we were just enjoying those little bits we're allowed to enjoy. I found in him what I'm missing at home please don't judge me for that

You have been incredibly insightful here without realizing it. You are in an unhappy marriage and the attention which you feel deprived of at home is making you seek it out elsewhere. I think your interaction with this man in the shop is a little inappropriate and it would seem he is probably trying his best to avoid you. I'd start going to another shop. Take some time out of Facebook. And come to the realization that NO-ONE has to be stuck in an unhealthy and loveless marriage anymore. We're not in the 1930's and staying together for the sake of the children can sometimes be more damaging to all parties concerned in the long-run. Concentrate on getting your own head together for now rather than obsessing over something that's not going to happen hon.

LovelyCat

well, thanks quys. at least I know how to deal with it now and what to think about it.

and just to sort out few things - the guy was into me. long time before I paid any attention to it. he wasn't just polite as a shop assistant, it was personal. there were many situations...it's hard to explain it without going into more details but I'm quite sure he liked me over anybody else. there were actions and reactions...I wasn't born yesterday and can read the signs well...anyway, you're right - he's married and I shouldn't have interferred, it wasn't intentional though...

my marriage - i gave up on my husband, he's broken my heard so many times...but when the happiness of the kids is at stake you have to make your own sacrifices even if it means to live years as being unloved and unhappy. usually the happy faces of my kids make up for it. i'm not seeking love outside my marriage, I didn't mean to fall for the guy it simply happened and I'll try to get over him ASAP. you've helped me a lot in this. thanks to you all...

P. Breathnach

I'm sorry your situation is difficult, and I hope that in time your children appreciate what sacrifices you make for their well-being.

I hope that you find some rewarding friendships (rather than romances) that make your circumstances more tolerable.

LovelyCat

well, we pretend to be a happy family, no-one knows whats goin on underneath... he doesn't care. it's my duty to give them best I can so I'm trying to. I don't deserve to be loved, I'm trying to get used to it.

the guy was my little sunshine, made my days better so many times... it's gone now but at least I found the answer on my question and can sort it all out deep within my heart...

December2012

Will you go for couples therapy?

Stavro Mueller

Seeing as you don't want to leave the unhappy marriage you're in, it's for the best that this guy has put distance between you. It's a little ironic that you're upset over the finishing of something that could've potentially ended your marriage.

strobe

I really think the situation with this shop guy is something of a minor issue comparatively LovelyCat (although it may not seem it to you). From reading your posts you seem to be extremely down, if not completely depressed, and your self esteem and confidence very low. You also seem quite lonely, which can be very tough.

I don't get the impression that this is just as a result of the situation with this guy and is more something that has been ongoing for a time.

Have you any friends or family members you could confide in about how you've been feeling? Mother, sister, brother etc?

Would you maybe consider trying something like seeing a counselor or therapist to talk things through?

As for the problems with your husband, whatever they may be... You obviously loved each other once, if you are married with two children. Maybe you still do love him, and it's very possible he is still in love with you. Relationships can sometimes just veer off course ,despite both people's wishes it didn't.

Would you consider as December suggested trying couples counselling with your husband, to try and work out any issues in the marriage?
Have you spoken to your husband about how unhappy you've found yourself becoming in the relationship?

LovelyCat

We've had couples counselling, dind't help. He denies many, quite obvious things, that upset me, thus he keeps doing them. I've ceased to care.

The last girl I called my best friend nearly had an affair with my husband (they behaved like carelless teenagers in front of my eyes for nearly two years)...until I put the end to it. Why I was looking at it for nearly two years? Because I had hoped that he would have sorted it himself if he loved me so much. Sure, he denied it, everything was her and only her fault.

I don't have any friends, neither any family members I could trust or at least complaint to. However, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I'm planning to go back to the counsellor to sort out my personal problems so then I could deal with my life without getting into much trouble.

And the guy...I didn't want to have an affair with him. The fact that I could talk to him and he cared about me was just enough for me.

Meauldsegosha

LovelyCat wrote: »

We've had couples counselling, dind't help. He denies many, quite obvious things, that upset me, thus he keeps doing them. I've ceased to care.

The last girl I called my best friend nearly had an affair with my husband (they behaved like carelless teenagers in front of my eyes for nearly two years)...until I put the end to it. Why I was looking at it for nearly two years? Because I had hoped that he would have sorted it himself if he loved me so much. Sure, he denied it, everything was her and only her fault.

I don't have any friends, neither any family members I could trust or at least complaint to. However, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I'm planning to go back to the counsellor to sort out my personal problems so then I could deal with my life without getting into much trouble.

And the guy...I didn't want to have an affair with him. The fact that I could talk to him and he cared about me was just enough for me.

It seems to me that the shop guy paid you some attention, which is lacking from your life/marriage, and you built it up to more then it was.

When you say your husband and friend nearly had an affair, how? Where they flirting a lot, meeting secretly? I'm not defending their actions just trying to understand how you can nearly have an affair for two years.

I know you have children but why would you want to stay with someone who has shown you no decency over a number of years. Your kids will survive if you spilt up.

December2012

Why did you stop going to couples counselling if it hadn't helped?

LovelyCat

Because "he deeply loves me to the bottom of his heart", "he hasn't got any problem with me", "it isn't true he's or he was in love with this other girl". Whats the point to sit a counsellor if he's living in his little world of lies and at no chance he would admit the accusations are true???

Why don't I tell my husband what's bothering me? Because than he uses my weaknesses as the advantage against me, believe it or not.
And with the girl? She was mad about him it was impossible not to notice. She also admired him quite openly. But he started it. He'd always look at her from behind my back so I wouldn't see how he looks at her. And he used to say a lot of compliments about her adding "not like you". Then it was all rolling up more and more. Would you want to be in such situation with your partner and "best friend"? Is this the respectful behaviour of the loving husband???

Any way, there's a lot that has built up over all those years. The bottom line is it's not going to work. The sooner I get used to it, the better for everyone. And I'm trying to find my own way of getting used to it.

Yes, I've got low self-esteem, very low confidence; never mind the fact that men usually describe me as very attractive, hot, or simply beautifull. The guy from the shop had been paying the attention to me for ages, I only started to take it seriously recently. The whole situation with my husband has been going on quite long and that's the conclusion that I made - even though he behaves the way he does, I 've got no other choice but to stay with him. As I wrote before, sometimes you have to sacrifice your own pride, or happiness for you kids. My life is over, they deserve better life than I had. I owe them this much. If it means to suffer quietly in the corner, then I have to do it. He isn't a bad guy, he's also great with kids. I can't put my kids future into danger just because he doesn't love me. Or maybe he loves me. Just doesn't care.

December2012

Look there's three versions of every story, yours his and the truth, usually somewhere in between.

I think it's god that you're going back to counselling.

Maybe relationship counselling again would help your marriage.

Stavro Mueller

I'm glad to hear you're going back to counselling for yourself. I think your putting so much stock in what you had with shop man goes to show that you badly need someone in your life to talk to. Maybe you unloaded too much onto this guy - I don't know.

What makes me sad reading your posts is how little you value yourself. You're stuck in a marriage that is making you utterly miserable, you're lonely and you've got nobody to talk to. What's even worse is how you're saying your life is over and you're doing all this for the kids. I just want to make two points to you
1. Kids aren't stupid. If they don't know it already, they will figure out that mam and dad aren't happy. Is it really for the best that they grow up in a home where things are unhappy?
2. You can't live your life through your kids. I know you love them and you want to do your best. But some day down the line they will grow up and be gone. What then?

thefeatheredcat

LovelyCat wrote: »

but when the happiness of the kids is at stake you have to make your own sacrifices even if it means to live years as being unloved and unhappy. usually the happy faces of my kids make up for it.

LovelyCat wrote: »

well, we pretend to be a happy family, no-one knows whats goin on underneath... he doesn't care. it's my duty to give them best I can so I'm trying to. I don't deserve to be loved, I'm trying to get used to it.

LovelyCat wrote: »

I don't have any friends, neither any family members I could trust or at least complaint to. However, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I'm planning to go back to the counsellor to sort out my personal problems so then I could deal with my life without getting into much trouble.

And the guy...I didn't want to have an affair with him. The fact that I could talk to him and he cared about me was just enough for me.

LovelyCat wrote: »

Any way, there's a lot that has built up over all those years. The bottom line is it's not going to work. The sooner I get used to it, the better for everyone. And I'm trying to find my own way of getting used to it.

Yes, I've got low self-esteem, very low confidence; never mind the fact that men usually describe me as very attractive, hot, or simply beautifull. The guy from the shop had been paying the attention to me for ages, I only started to take it seriously recently. The whole situation with my husband has been going on quite long and that's the conclusion that I made - even though he behaves the way he does, I 've got no other choice but to stay with him. As I wrote before, sometimes you have to sacrifice your own pride, or happiness for you kids. My life is over, they deserve better life than I had. I owe them this much. If it means to suffer quietly in the corner, then I have to do it. He isn't a bad guy, he's also great with kids. I can't put my kids future into danger just because he doesn't love me. Or maybe he loves me. Just doesn't care.

Oh OP, you're being quite dismissive about you deserving happiness and love in your life. That makes me really sad actually because you probably are beautiful and attractive both inside and out and certainly are deserving of so much more love and care than you are allowing yourself, or being given.

I think your friend in the shop, well, the only thing I can really comment on is that should be a wake up call for yourself and your life. That bit in bold "The fact that I could talk to him and he cared about me was just enough for me." I can understand why he matters to you because it seems like he has really been one of the few that have given you a validation and care and consideration, even if just polite or something more. In my experience, when you're not in a happy place, feeling unappreciated and uncared and unloved, that can really mean a lot that someone has taken the time to pay you attention, or show care. You were betrayed by your former best friend and you don't really have anyone else to turn to or talk about personal stuff with.

But being married and having children doesn't mean you have to suffer in silence in a loveless marriage, a sham marriage or a fantasy world of pretence and delusion on behalf of yourself or your spouse, for the sake of keeping up appearances, for the sake of children or for going along with someone else's denial.

You sound unhappy and lonely and I get that you feel neglected and uncared for..... and by the sounds of it, you're defeated with the situation you are in. You've accepted that you're doomed to stay in a marriage where you have no love, with someone who cheats, who cares little for you and who isn't accepting that what they did was wrong and won't even own up to it or admit fault or take responsibility for it. You sound like you've spent much time convincing yourself you must stay in this marriage for the sake of the children - but for what? So they can grow up learning that a loveless marriage is as good as it gets? That it's normal? That your children should accept not being loved? That they should grow up in a cold unloving family, even if they get warmth and care from either parent, but never experience it as a family, never see it expressed between their parents? In many ways by accepting this doom you are denying your children a whole other experience of being a family, with parents that love eachother with either parent being happy as individuals and together as a couple in marriage with children.

Your life is not over, you don't owe your kids anything but your love as a parent, and I'm sure if they were older and knew about you and how you feel now, what you've convinced yourself that your life is over and you owe it to your kids to stay in a loveless marriage for their sake, they would probably tell you the absolute opposite.

You deserve love and happiness just as much as the stranger standing next to you in a random queue; if you have not found that love and happiness in your marriage, and you have tried to work on it, there is no point saying "I've made my bed and must lie in it" and believing you can't have better or can't be loved or can't have and just have to put up with the situation of being unhappy in a marriage where there is no love. You can get separated, you can get divorced, they are options available to you.

I'd ask that you'd take some time to think on those options, explore how you feel more with a counsellor, talk to someone even support groups rather than resigning to a life of unhappiness where you forget about a happiness you deserve and resign yourself away to a life of unhappiness and an absence of love.

Chara1001

Hi OP,

Your post makes me really sad

Fast forward a couple of decades and your kids would be me.

As kids, my brothers & i were acutely aware that our parents were keeping it together for our sake. Arguments, silence, passing messages to each other between us, we were on a knife edge with the tension for years. They were very loving and fantastic people, they still are, but not as a couple.

they waited till the youngest finished school to separate, they thought they were dropping this huge bombshell on us but we were delighted they were finally doing something about it. They were really shocked when they realized that even with the best efforts they'd managed to hide nothing. Think of all those years they could have spent apart & happy, but decided not to for our sake. I still find it hard to believe they really thought they hid it. In those final years, the house was not a happy one.

I think sometimes if they'd called it a day long ago, they could have met other people and maybe had another chance to be happy but they've probably damaged themselves & each other so much now that both of them are adamant they never want to meet anyone again.
And i find that sad.

Don't stay just for your kids, if you're truly unhappy. They could feel guilty for it later

Best of luck to you, your life is FAR from over