Was I used.. he's no moved on

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I will try and make this as short as possible. Met this guy on a night out about a year ago. We exchanged numbers and went out on a few dates. At first I wasn't really sure about him but gradually really started to fall for him. We waited a while before sleeping together and I thought things were progressing despite some bumps. When I was with him, he was attentive, affectionate and sweet but he never referred to me as his girlfriend. I asked him a while in what we were to each other and he told me not to get too attached that he was good at staying unattached and that he wasn't in a good place and was never good at relationships. In fairness there were a few things going on for him - job problems and family issues. I was really patient with him and helped him find a new job and also spent a long time helping him sort through his family stuff.

I tried to distant myself more from him as I had a feeling I was going to get hurt but he always stayed in close contact depsite disappearing for bits at a time. Once when he was drunk he told me how much I meant to him and how he was so much happier since meeting me. He still was not offering any commitment so I cooled things a bit from my end and told him I was no longer going to sleep with him as he was unwilling to call me his girlfriend. We went for weeks at at time without speaking but always ended up back in contact.

I realise that my feelings for him were really strong but I did try to downplay them for fear of getting hurt. I noticed he started to become a lot more social around this time and seemed to be much happier in himself. His contact started to drop off around this time too. Last week I noticed he had added a new friend on FB - a girl so I clicked into her account and there were loads of pictures of the two of them together in what looks very much like a relationship. I have seen him a couple of times since but he has never mentioned her. I really wanted to ask him the last time but I just couldn't bring myself too.

I feel like a complete fool here and feel like I really meant nothing to him. I feel like I did all the work and now he sailed off into the relationship sunset with someone new. I know he doesn't owe me anything but it still hurts. Deep down I guess I thought he would realise he wanted to be with me and would finally make that commitment. Have I just been played for a fool?

I know you are only hearing my side of the story but I would really like to hear from other people on this. Does this mean he just didn't want a relationship with me? All opinions welcome.

LegacyUser

I had a feeling like that about my ex-boyfriend. Unlike your guy, mine was extremely attentive and he did insist that I was his girlfriend but throughout the whole thing I had a niggling feeling that he wanted me just to test out having a girlfriend. Like I was a rehearsal. In the end, he ended it abruptly and moved on with his new found confidence. It hurt like hell but you can't make people want to be in a relationship with you.

Don't feel like a fool - you didn't do anything wrong, bad or embarrassing! If you can, take some comfort from the fact that he didn't blatantly lie about loving you or wanting to be in a relationship. I hope you feel better soon.

_dublinlad_

By the sounds of it yes this lad did use you. No doubt he found you attractive enough and cool enough to hang around with, but effectively you were just glorified friends. He obviously had personal problems and he was using you as a crutch to lean on..

What you should take out of this whole experience is not the fact that he more then likely used you - but the fact that you let him get away with it. Both parties in a relationship need to be on the same wave length.. if you want a real relationship and he is humming and hawing about the idea - you need to nip it in the bud right there... and not wait around in the grey area for him and eventually get hurt.

Don't take this experience to heart, I have been in some similar spots in the past. Just know that he was simply blind to your greatness and there is much bigger and better is out there for ya who wont let you pass them by x

strobe

I wouldn't say he used you, or that he played you for a fool, no.

From what you've said he was basically straight with you from the outset ,telling you not to get attached and that he didn't want a relationship.

You chose to pretty much ignore that and continue seeing him anyway in the hope that he'd change his mind at some point. It was a gamble on your part, and one that didn't pay off unfortunately.

It's an unfortunate situation for you and while it's always tempting to seek to paint the other party as 'the bad guy' in situations like this to make things easier, it's not really beneficial or helpful I think.

Just try to chalk it down to experience and move on. Perhaps in future try to avoid getting into situations where you're 'waiting for someone to change how they feel' .

Best if luck, I'm sure you'll have met someone new yourself before too long and put it all behind you.

CaraMay

Strobe is 100% right. Next thing you do is stop meeting him. You still meet him even though you then complain he is using you???

Lorna123

That's very disappointing OP but I firmly believe that if someone tries to put you off from the start then he is not that into you. He liked certain things about you but wasn't prepared to commit. I would stop looking at his facebook page. You know the score now so you are forearmed. Drop him. You cannot stay friends with someone you are hoping for more from, as you will only end up hurting yourself every time you see them. None of this is any reflection on you, you did what you thought was right at the time, and probably what I would have done too had I liked someone. It is good that you found out before too long that this guy is not for you.

Stavro Mueller

advisemepls wrote: »

?..

I feel like a complete fool here and feel like I really meant nothing to him. I feel like I did all the work and now he sailed off into the relationship sunset with someone new. I know he doesn't owe me anything but it still hurts. Deep down I guess I thought he would realise he wanted to be with me and would finally make that commitment. Have I just been played for a fool?

I know you are only hearing my side of the story but I would really like to hear from other people on this. Does this mean he just didn't want a relationship with me? All opinions welcome.

A poster here once said you shouldn't have to coax someone to go out with you. It's very true. The bottom line here is that the guy didn't like you enough to be his girlfriend. He told you so but you never quite accepted that.

I've highlighted a classic mistake that so so many people have made. Hoping that the person they like will magically wake up some morning and have developed feeling for them.

At this stage you should chalk this down to experience and learn to recognise the warning sings. For your own sanity it'd be wise to cut contact with this guy now and stop looking at his Facebook. It'll just rub salt into the wound.

Merkin

strobe wrote: »

I wouldn't say he used you, or that he played you for a fool, no.

From what you've said he was basically straight with you from the outset ,telling you not to get attached and that he didn't want a relationship.

You chose to pretty much ignore that and continue seeing him anyway in the hope that he'd change his mind at some point. It was a gamble on your part, and one that didn't pay off unfortunately.

It's an unfortunate situation for you and while it's always tempting to seek to paint the other party as 'the bad guy' in situations like this to make things easier, it's not really beneficial or helpful I think.

Just try to chalk it down to experience and move on. Perhaps in future try to avoid getting into situations where you're 'waiting for someone to change how they feel' .

Best if luck, I'm sure you'll have met someone new yourself before too long and put it all behind you.

I agree with a lot of this post. However I do think that there was an element of him using her if he was gleaning a lot of emotional support from the OP for his personal problems. This was not purely a friends-with-benefits situation and it certainly wasn't a relationship. I do think it fell between two stools somewhat and there was some onus on him to call time on it when he saw she was very clearly attached and he didn't want any more from her. We're all responsible for ourselves and there is of course an element of facilitating behaviour but I do think he has behaved like a bit of a sh1t in fairness.

There is no point in even bothering to maintain contact with this guy OP. He has clearly stated he doesn't want you as a girlfriend and then goes and gets on at the first opportunity. What exactly is your role now? Maybe he is expecting you to be there to pick up the pieces when this relationship goes belly up? I'd sever contact, delete all traces of him and this other girl on Facebook and try and learn for future relationships that you're not going to put up and shut up if it's not 100% what you want.

SineadMarie

I've been there but was in a relationship with him we broke up but he still wanted me when it suited him..he told me there was no future but i still stayed around hoping things would change. The bottom line is if they want to be with you they will, just put it down to experience and move on, he wasn't the right guy for you the right guy is just around the corner wait and see...