lack of physical relationship

LegacyUser

allo allo,

Just looking for some advice here. il try to keep it short.
basically have been seeing this great girl for around 7 months. she is well educated ,pretty, kind and we have both said we love each other but the problem is , is that she has very very little experience with relationships. we are both in our mid thirties and she has only every had one bf before me and that was only last year also. she was extremely shy growing up so always found it difficult to meet someone. but anyway she is also still a virgin and she wants to wait untill she is sure about the guy, which i am fine with to be honest. but the problem is that we dont do much at all when it comes to the physical stuff. she wouldnt be one to take control in those situations so i try to but it still is all one way and we barely have a proper old snog. she doesnt seem to be into it. even though she has said she is.
she doesnt pleasure me at all. no oral sex, handjob etc. its very frustrating. she gets really turned off by the male orgasm. she doesnt like the mess i mean so in turn that makes me self conscious about the whole thing.
she is happy enough to lie there and have me pleasure her but she wont touch me.
im not sure what way to take it to be honest. apart from it being sexually frustrating it can feel a bit like a rejection also. ive never had any complaints from girls in the past.
i dunno, i do love her and am only delighted to turn her on and when she is turned on then that turns me on. it doesnt seem to be the case for her. shouldnt it be if she loves me??
i feel she just needs to get used to it maybe. it must be weird not having any experience with the whole physical contact untill your mid thirties.
anyway and advice welcomed.
thanks

LegacyUser

In my eyes she is selfish. I would understand if she would not want any physical contact, but she is enjoying all the good stuff. She doesnt kiss u either. What has it to do with sexual intercourse.

I read out that she doest physically like u if u know what i mean. I wouldnt like to kiss and pleasure a guy i dont find atractive.

What happens if u dont pleasure her? How she would feel then?

blatantrereg

Men need sex to feel loved. Normal to feel unhappy about your situation, in addition to feeling frustrated about it.

She strikes me as pretty horrible. The only sexual intimacy she allows you is you going down on her. What sort of person thinks that's an ok way to treat a partner? You're not just there to pander to her needs. - Well you shouldn't be at least.

You have to assume she won't change. Ask yourself if the situation is acceptable.

username123

She doesnt like the mess? Tell her to grow up! Sex is messy. People produce bodily fluids.

Seriously, you are wasting your time here. A woman in her 30s who has no interest in giving you any sexual pleasure because she doesnt like the mess - so clearly she knows what to do if she knows about the mess, she just wont do it. But is happy to lie there are take her pleasure?

Thats not a relationship, thats just one person selfishly accepting pleasure from the other without reciprocating.

LegacyUser

it sounds to me like the woman in question may not be sexually attracted to people i.e could just be asexual, but still enjoys the physical stimulation? i know it sounds strange, but i would be that way inclined myself so thats how i know it is possible. it does not necessarily mean that she is a horrible person, people can just be born this way. However as i dont personally know her i cant say for sure.....

Esoteric_

Being inexperienced is one thing, but she sounds like a selfish so and so! Look, if you're inexperienced and don't want to have a sexual relationship til you feel ready, fine. But that does not mean that the guy pleasures you and you leave him with absolutely nothing! That's just mean, for want of a better term.

If she loved you, surely she'd work on her issues? Being turned off by bodily fluids is ridiculous and is something she'll have to work on if it's a genuine reason.

If she's not willing to work on it, then you might have to consider if you're willing to stay in a relationship devoid of physical intimacy.

Merkin

You're in the honeymoon period so I don't see it getting any better. Fine if she was a virgin and really keen to get stuck in and enjoy herself but the fact that she has an aversion to bodily fluids and doesn't seem in the least perturbed that she is giving you no pleasure would be a massive red flag. Intimacy and good sex is one of the very fundamentals for a happy and healthy relationship and her resistance to being involved shows a not very nice selfish streak tbh.

judgefudge

She does sound selfish, but it may really be down to some deep rooted anxiety about sex. So I wouldn't directly jump to the conclusion that she's a selfish cow.

Has she had any counselling or seeked any counselling? Has she even admitted there's an issue?

All you can do if you really like her is sit down and tell her how you feel. If she can't or won't change at least you'll know you tried.

Cupcake_Crisis

I think a lot of people are being a bit harsh here. Sex can be quite daunting for some people, and feelings of inadequacy and anxiety can be very overwhelming. Op, do you know if she's doing anything on her own time to help her over these fears, or is she just hoping she'll wake up one morning and she'll be magically dying for sex? Perhaps encourage her to see a counsellor, or even to talk to a more experience female friend. Tell her her fears and the friend may be able to talk her through them. I sincerely doubt this issue will resolve itself, it seems obvious that there's something quite deep rooted if she has a fear of bodily fluids.

bluemagpie

Sounds like she is scared and worried about her inexperience, saying she doesn't like the mess could have been a way of deflecting it, possibly an awkward off the cuff later regretted remark,especially given that she's ok about receiving. It's possible it's all built up in her head that you won't like it and that she's crap at kissing too so is afraid of it and embarrassed about what you think. Maybe take your time telling her what you like when kissing and once she's comfortable with that she'll get into the rest more. Think you might be surprised about the impact inexperience has and that it requires a little encouragement and gentle help rather than being told there is something wrong and sent to counselling which could make her feel worse.

Just trying to offer a different perspective where someone who has confidence in their experience may not realise how inexperience can hold a person back, sounds odd but you may need to teach her what you enjoy so she knows she's doing it right.

Then again other posters could be right that there is some reason behind it, but you will most likely be able to tell if it seems like a deep rooted issue that requires counselling or just pure inexperience. I reckon she has no idea that you feel rejected, you might need to gently explain how you feel which might encourage her to try or open up as to what she is thinking too.

LegacyUser

I think that all relationships require some give and take on both peoples part.
I can understand that your girlfriend may not have much experience. You sound like a nice guy who is has not been putting pressure on her to have sex.
At this stage I would say to her I know you have not a lot of experience and you don't want to have sex yet but I would like you to do (pick 2 things you would like her to try).
I would agree with the previous post about getting her to open up to you about why she is afraid to move things on with the physical part of your relationship.
Most woman of her age would have more experience but at this stage if she likes you she should be willing to talk to you and be willing to try more things.

Have you met her parents yet?

If you find out that they are very reglious or if they are very dominering it might explain why she is like this.

Lorna123

I would say that this had nothing to do with how she feels about you OP. She would be like that with any guy. Could you tell her what you want her to do and encourage her.

strobe

She says she wants to wait to have sex until she is 'sure about a guy', but she obviously doesn't have this reservation about all sexual contact as she has no problem with you pleasuring her.

So in regards to her issue with the male orgasm and 'the mess',,well that's solved by the use of a condom, there are flavoured condoms that are designed specifically for oral sex available anywhere condoms are sold.
Use a condom for oral sex or a hand job, no mess.
A relatively simple solution.

Explain this to her and see what she says. If she's still reluctant then that's just an excuse, not an actual issue for her.

If that's the case then you need to ask her what her actual issue is, don't skirt around the issue, ask her for a straight answer.

If she has some deeper issue then you need to ask her what it is and what kind of help is she willing to seek for it.

If she cares for you at all she should be perfectly willing to seek any help she needs to try to sort things.

The above is giving her the benefit of the doubt, others could well be right and she may just be a very unpleasant and selfish person. But seeing as you seem to like her so much, I'd work under the impression that she is being somewhat truthful with you for now and try the above things

let us know how things go ,best of luck.

Koptain Liverpool

I wouldn't waste my time any further to be honest. She won't change. Shyness, being a virgin etc has nothing to do with it. She obviously doesn't have interest in sex in the way that most people do. And no kissing - come on man??

She obviously has some deep rooted issues. If you're prepared to wait around for her to deal with these issues and change then fair enough but it doesn't sound like she's even bothered about dealing with her issues and changing. By continuing the relationship as normal you are enabling her behavior.

Move on and meet someone you can enjoy a proper healthy physical relationship with. I know that's easier said than done when you have feelings for someone but sometimes you have to make hard choices.

I'm a bit confused about how you can be in love with someone when there has been little to no physicality in the relationship nor any real attempt to talk about why this is.

LegacyUser

I'm 5.5 years into a relationship like this... It kills me more and more everyday... We have a life together now and I do love her... Even tho I know I things will probably never improve, I just can't being myself to give up...

Only advice I can give is if you can get out, do it. People will say there are other aspects to a relationship etc but this invades all of them

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies.

well i wouldnt consider her a selfish and mean person at all. allthough i can see why people would think that and i do wonder it myself sometimes. but she is very kind to me in other ways.
i think its really a deep rooted issue she has. someone asked about her parents. well she was brought up in a very religious way and would have been encouraged to wait untill marriage to have sex. she has a couple of sisters who were the same. like i said im fine about waiting for sex. its just the other stuff thats really frustrating. i will talk to her about it again and try get to the root of it. its not like she hasnt made the effort. but she just finds it very uncomfortable. but its got less and less as the relationship has progressed and like someone said this should still be the honeymoon period. if she is willing to work on these things then im fine with it, so we shall see.
thanks

LegacyUser

texted my ex tonight, who was great in bed! feel guilty now! am a bit drunk

carolmon

she is still new to sexually and hasn't really explored this area of her life yet but she seems turned off by aspects of male sexuality......this could be down to inexperience/ anxiety but have you considered that she could be lesbian?