Emotionally drained

LegacyUser

I have posted about this before so please bare with me, I could do with good advise and a place to vent right now. My mams family have always been the best in the world to me, however over recent years it comes to my attention that their not all sweetness and light, 2 particular family members especially. They make snide comments and act in weird ways, ways in which if I brought it up they could accuse me of being over sensitive. My younger brother was a bit of a handful when he was a child but he is genuinely trying now and i'm very proud of him. He was away for the best part of a year and has just come home (early), anyways I was apprehensive about his decision for his sake, but welcomed home with opened arms and couldn't wait to see him. Two family members are basically acting like he's making this huge mistake and isn't making a go of it. My mam spoke to one of them and was telling them he was home and the response was "Oh right" and no such thing as how is he, nothing. They have never given him an inch over stuff that he did when he was younger, which wasn't even all that terrible. I met one of the said family members in the company of others a few weeks ago, and was trying on a jacket and was told I was so slow, it's like slow motion. She was giving me a lift and I told her to drop me off at the hairdressers and i'd walk from there, and a comment was made about power walking and I got a response "Oh you don't power walk do you?" She was then speaking with the other relative and mentioned I was going to get my hair/nails done and was asked if I was going out and the response was "oh no this is just part off, yada yada" and basically making out that i'm high maintenance or something, my fringe was growing in my eyes and I never get my nails done by the way. I'm fed up with these comments and my brother never been given a break. I was speaking to my mam about the treatment with my brother and said it must be nice to be perfect, she said "I don't know, is it (my name)? What did I do. My mam is a recovering alcoholic, 3 years sober but is hanging around with an absolute creep who had a major drink problem. He was supposed to be off the scene but she got back seeing him. She has my youngest sibling told to keep quiet. I had a dream last night I met my youngest sibling came to meet me and thought we were getting chippers and broke down crying because we hadn't and told me she was starving that mam was back drinking and she had nothing to eat. This has been playing on my mind all day. I'm in my late 20s and I know people might say speak up to the relatives and that, but i've grown up being told to keep quiet and to keep the peace so it doesn't come easily to me. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place just needed to get it off my chest.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, over the past number of months you have posted many posts about your family and these particular family members and the various difficulties you have with them.

Personal Issues is a lovely board, where posters take time out of their lives to offer help, advice and support to those that ask for it. It's up to you to then use the advice given to try make changes in your life.

If you continue to have these troubles with your family members, even after all the advice offered here to you, then maybe PI is no longer where you need to be looking for help.

The rules for unregistered posters are the same for registered users and starting multiple threads over a short period of time is considered attention seeking, and threads will be closed.

I am willing, for the moment, to approve this thread and allow it to remain open. If the advice being offered here is just a rehash of the advice offered on your many other threads, this thread will be locked and no other threads by you on this topic will be approved. There is only so much the people here can do for you.. the rest is up to yourself.

Take care,
Big Bag of Chips.

If you would like a link to the other threads you have started so you can reread the advice offered there, please contact me via pm.

LegacyUser

I understand. I worry about my siblings on a regular basis so attention seeking is a bit unfair.

anewme

I havent seen any of your previous posts and dont want to come across as harsh.

However, and this is from someone who HAS family issues, you seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill and maybe are a bit sensitive and need to harden up. If these people are offending you cut them out of your life or give them a wide berth and only deal with them when you have to.

If you are seriously worried about someone asking do you power walk,() or is your fringe in your eyes() or you are trying on a jacket too slow (:rolleyes::rolleyes:) If someone said that to me they would be told to go take a hike with a more direct wording starting with F and finishing with off and that would be the end of it. And then stay away from them. If they cant say something good then say nothing. Why would you take a lift from someone if you know they are more than likely going to pass a smart comment.

Maybe you need to toughen up and not take smart assed comments to heart. Some people have REAL family problems to deal with and in the overall context of things, this type of stuff seems trivial and attention seeking.

Sorry and I have to say this....EVERY FAMILY IS DISFUNCTIONAL.....in its own way (I say my family put the FUNK into DISFUNCTIONAL) we have had domestic violence, triggered by institutional child abuse, alcoholism and now Dementia but hey ho such is life and we all have our crosses to bear.

Dont mean to be hard, but sorry the issues and comments seem trivial and easily solved(apologies as I havent seen your previous posts if there is more to that)

LegacyUser

There was no comment made about "fringe being in my eyes". I had to take a lift from her as she'd collected me. I don't know if you've read my post properly, but the dream about my sister is due to fears I have relating to my mothers alcoholism. I have plenty of "real" issues. The reason I can't speak up to these relatives is because of deep engrained patterns that i've had since childhood due to fear and not wanting to upset people and keeping the peace, it's followed me through my whole life. You are lucky that you can just tell people to "F" off no matter who they are, it might seem trivial for you but it's not for other people.

anewme

Did I miss a comment about being high maintenance because your fringe was in your eyes or something in that vein.

You did not have to take a lift from anyone - if you did not want to travel with someone who was going to be rude or insult you you just had to say, I'll make my own way, thanks. Why would you sit in a car with someone and wait for them to get a dig at you?

Your post was quite hard to read because it was one long paragraph,so apologies if I've misread.

As I said, I dont want to come across as harsh, but it seems a lot of hot air and drama.

If you cant rise above them, just stay out of their way and dont' let them annoy you. Life is too short. Sometimes the only advice to give in these situations is "toughen up". Sorry if you do not like that, but that's it in a nutshell.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I really don't want to come across as being hard on you.. as I understand you have your own troubles..

But your username is "tired of family dynamic", your post title is "emotionally drained", yet you are unwilling/unable to do anything to change your circumstances.

You say that because of past relationships and family dynamics you find it difficult to stand up for yourself against these people, that's fair enough, there are many many people in a similar position to you. But if you can't stand up to them what can you do? I don't mean that to be bitchy, by the way. I genuinely mean for you to look to yourself and try to figure out what you can do to make life easier for yourself.

People here can advise you, and honestly the only advice they can give is stand up for yourself or back away from them... neither of which seem to sit too well with you, so that only leaves what you think you should do. I don't doubt that you worry about your family.. ok your younger sister might be genuinely in need of your worry... but is your brother? Are you putting all this unnecessary worry on your shoulders? Feeling like you need to take on everyone else's problems, when they probably don't even realise you are!

All advice offered to you over the very many threads have all been met with replies of "but....". Do you post for advice or do you post for an outlet to just get all this out there?

You always have options. Always. There is always something that can be done differently, or handled differently. But you seem to be doing the same thing over and over, and hoping that they will change. They won't change!

You are 27, I think you said. Why do you depend so heavily on these people? And why do you continue to have expectations of them that they have never ever reached? That's not their fault, that's your fault. You know what they are like.. yet you live your life hoping that they will change from what they are, and become what you want them to be.

I completely understand where you are coming from with your family history, and the difficulties that brings. But you are going to have to change yourself. I get the feeling these people took on a "mothering" role to you and your siblings when you were younger. I'm guessing they thought your mother was useless, and as a result you lot are clueless, and therefore need them making your decisions at every turn. They are still "mothering" you, because you allow it. Until you change.. they won't.

It's just up to you to figure out how to change.

LegacyUser

standing up for yourself against unwarranted and unecessary critical comments is all part of becoming an adult though, op. i completely empathise with your need to put up and shut up and keep the peace when you were younger, emotional self preservation maybe. but you're an adult now. there's no need to be liked by everyone to the point you put your own mental health ahead of the views and opinions of other people.

and if i were you i would seriously consider some sort of councelling. you seem to have soaked up your family issues like a sponge, maybe working on your self esteem through councelling might help you empower yourself, let go of the past and stop defining yourself by the criticism of these people. patterns we learn as kids CAN be broken, so i think you should stop excusing them away and take control.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I really don't want to come across as being hard on you.. as I understand you have your own troubles..

But your username is "tired of family dynamic", your post title is "emotionally drained", yet you are unwilling/unable to do anything to change your circumstances.

You say that because of past relationships and family dynamics you find it difficult to stand up for yourself against these people, that's fair enough, there are many many people in a similar position to you. But if you can't stand up to them what can you do? I don't mean that to be bitchy, by the way. I genuinely mean for you to look to yourself and try to figure out what you can do to make life easier for yourself.

People here can advise you, and honestly the only advice they can give is stand up for yourself or back away from them... neither of which seem to sit too well with you, so that only leaves what you think you should do. I don't doubt that you worry about your family.. ok your younger sister might be genuinely in need of your worry... but is your brother? Are you putting all this unnecessary worry on your shoulders? Feeling like you need to take on everyone else's problems, when they probably don't even realise you are!

All advice offered to you over the very many threads have all been met with replies of "but....". Do you post for advice or do you post for an outlet to just get all this out there?

You always have options. Always. There is always something that can be done differently, or handled differently. But you seem to be doing the same thing over and over, and hoping that they will change. They won't change!

You are 27, I think you said. Why do you depend so heavily on these people? And why do you continue to have expectations of them that they have never ever reached? That's not their fault, that's your fault. You know what they are like.. yet you live your life hoping that they will change from what they are, and become what you want them to be.

I completely understand where you are coming from with your family history, and the difficulties that brings. But you are going to have to change yourself. I get the feeling these people took on a "mothering" role to you and your siblings when you were younger. I'm guessing they thought your mother was useless, and as a result you lot are clueless, and therefore need them making your decisions at every turn. They are still "mothering" you, because you allow it. Until you change.. they won't.

It's just up to you to figure out how to change.

YOUR RIGHTI do need to change. These people were amazing to me growing up or so I thought, it's only recently as i've got older i've started to see their behaviour for what it is. One of these relatives lived at home until they were 40 and one in their late 30s, yet they treat me like a child even though I moved out when I was 18 have put myself through college, worked since I was 15. I don't want to change them, I want to change myself. I want to be able to speak up for myself and also for my brother. You have to understand its extremely frustrating when someone says just get over it and tell them to F off, if it was that simple I wouldn't be paying a counsellor to help me with it or writing on boards. I've stayed in a job I don't like for 6 years because of the controlling nature of one of these individuals. They've tried to discourage me from doing things like going to college. I have never been dependant on them in my whole adult life, in fact one of them borrows off me more than I ever have her.Never thought about the thing regarding my mother and them thinking we're useless, that's a good point.

Big Bag of Chips

Being dependent on someone doesn't mean just financially. You depend on them for approval, or validation.. You've stayed in a job you don't like for 6 years because of them? WHY?? Because you depend on their opinion, and you need them to be happy with you.

They will never be happy with you!

They'll always have an opinion on anything you do. You just need to realise that, and live your life to please YOU... Not them!

I wish you well, I genuinely sincerely do. It is very difficult to break habits of a lifetime, but it's not impossible. Please yourself in life, at least that way, someone is happy!

Edit: it is equally hard for them to break their habits of a lifetime. They can't see you as anything other than their misfortunate niece. The difference is, they're happy being the way they are!

daisybelle2008

OP, I have responded to your other threads about your family...I said then and still think you are being very hard on them, in your other threads you have listed out fairly innocuous comments and turned them into insults and affronts....now you are mad because the are not making enough of a fuss about your brother for your liking and you are blaming one for YOU staying in a job you don't like for 6 years ....and you wonder why they baby you. I think the sad part is that by your own admission (and you have said so in other threads) they have been very good to you over the years. It is a shame you can't look at the bigger picture. At worst they seem a bit pass remarkable and tactless, but are actually well intentioned. Everyone has family members like that, nobody is perfect, just doing the best they can. If they are not measuring up for you that is your problem.
I agree though it is best you distance yourself from them as it is not nice to be so critical and passive aggressive about them behind their backs. If you can't like them, you are not doing them any favours maintaining a relationship but bubbling with disdain and negativity towards them under the surface. That's dishonest and not good for either party. You don't have to like them, but be careful you don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

As for your mother, she is entitled to go out with who she wants and you really need to stay out of it. You are over involving your self in the details of other people's lives, and yet getting annoyed when people are doing it to you.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, I have responded to your other threads about your family...I said then and still think you are being very hard on them, in your other threads you have listed out fairly innocuous comments and turned them into insults and affronts....now you are mad because the are not making enough of a fuss about your brother for your liking and you are blaming one for YOU staying in a job you don't like for 6 years ....and you wonder why they baby you. I think the sad part is that by your own admission (and you have said so in other threads) they have been very good to you over the years. It is a shame you can't look at the bigger picture. At worst they seem a bit pass remarkable and tactless, but are actually well intentioned. Everyone has family members like that, nobody is perfect, just doing the best they can. If they are not measuring up for you that is your problem.
I agree though it is best you distance yourself from them as it is not nice to be so critical and passive aggressive about them behind their backs. If you can't like them, you are not doing them any favours maintaining a relationship but bubbling with disdain and negativity towards them under the surface. That's dishonest and not good for either party. You don't have to like them, but be careful you don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

As for your mother, she is entitled to go out with who she wants and you really need to stay out of it. You are over involving your self in the details of other people's lives, and yet getting annoyed when people are doing it to you.

Its not about making a fuss with my brother, they don't treat him with any respect. My aunty judges him and criticises him for every little thing. Both my brother and I are trying our best in life, he's doing well for himself as am I and we have never really asked them for anything, so I don't think respect and not making snide remarks or being judgemental is a big ask. Telling someone their extremely disappointed in them or trying to talk them out of going to college is not "a bit pass remarkable". Yes, they have been good to me in ways, which is why I don't just confront them on the things they say. An older relative being good to a child who lives in an alcoholic, abusive home hardly condones a life time of being at their mercy and accepting whatever treatment they decide to throw at you on any given day.

As for my mother being able to go out with who she likes, would you feel the same way if you had a young sibling at home who had been exposed to all sorts because of your mothers partner, not to mention him vandalising my property, threatning my other sibling.

Big Bag of Chips

Tired of family dynamic wrote: »

Telling someone their extremely disappointed in them or trying to talk them out of going to college is not "a bit pass remarkable".

So what?
So they are disappointed in you/him... so what?
What's the worst that can come out of them being disappointed in you?

Or they try to talk you out of going to college... but you go anyway.. What's the worst that happens then?

Really OP, your threads are becoming very difficult to read and respond to, as you constantly come back with yet something else they said, to make your life even more miserable.

Tired of family dynamic wrote: »

Both my brother and I are trying our best in life, he's doing well for himself as am I and we have never really asked them for anything.

That's the only thing that should matter to you. What they say is almost irrelevant. They can say what they like. It's what you choose to do with it that matters. So you can choose to sit there, absorbing it all, seething and wishing they'd be nice.. or you can ignore it and live your life to please yourself.

That's it.

That's your choice.

anewme

You seem to be more concerned in finding things to complain about than just living your own life. There will always be someone who says something you dont like or agree with.

You are not your brothers keeper.

You have adopted a very woe is me mantra. It's very negative and is really not doing you any good. It's almost as if you are waiting for them to say something so you can feel bad about it. It's not a healthy way to live.

You have been given the only advice possible: Man up, ignore them, or live with it.

It's your choice.