At wits end with Mother.

LegacyUser

My parents split when my sister and I were young. We're in our early 30's now, I'm married with a child and my sister is engaged. Neither of us see our mother very often but we talk to her daily on the phone and up to now have had a reasonably okay relationship after both my sister and I had to let a lot of things from the past go.

Mum was a roaring alcoholic when we were growing up, we never had a penny. We spent more time crying to each other than anything else - but as time went on, Mum sought help and we came to a point where we could all bear to be in each other's company without throwing digs.

Mum is an incredibly selfish person and tends to use one or both of us - I have had to almost bribe her to come and see her grandchild, myself and my husband, as we live a fair bit away. She constantly complains about money, about not having funds to go here/there - she has no mortgage, lives alone, is in her mid-50s, and no health issues. I have given her money for petrol on several occasions even though the car is always full and she is not struggling financially - although she's on a social welfare benefit, she is not in any arrears and can afford little luxuries like recently installing Sky, or buying DVDs online, etc. Small things.

At the weekend, she was supposed to come up to my house on Saturday morning for my son's first communion. She had asked if she could bring anything, suggested making a curry, then went on so much about the price of chicken fillets that I told her to bring the curry, and the receipt, and I'd sort her out for it. She texted me on Saturday morning to say she wasn't feeling well and she would not be coming.

I felt incredibly let down that she wasn't there. I have no other family on my side apart from my sister, who was also mortified. She also missed my son's first birthday, because she had a boyfriend at the time and he was coming down for the weekend. At our wedding last year, she complained about the price of the hotel (€50 for a single room) so we paid for her room. I paid for her outfit. She had no expenses.

I found out today that she has been feeding my sister with blatant and utter lies, telling her that I did not like her fiancee and that I did not want them in my house, and that my husband hates them both and called them names. She also told her that after our wedding, my husband called her every name under the sun and told her she was a selfish c***, but warned my sister to not tell me. This is completely, utterly untrue. I was not drinking that night and she was in my company the entire time. She has also been feeding me rubbish about my sister and her fiancee, saying they aren't happy and that my sister is depressed all the time - also untrue. I'm disgusted that she would speak about my husband that way - the amount of times he has dropped everything to go down to her home to help her with car problems, fix her water for her, clean chimneys - he has never, ever done anything but try and help her because he felt bad for her on her own.

I have been getting text messages the last two days from her going "I'm really sick, you don't believe me, but I'm sick, I have antibiotics" - sorry, but do I care?! You missed your own Grandson's communion - for what?! I'm pregnant at the minute, I have terrible hayfever, no energy, yet I shopped, organised a party and cooked for 20 people at the weekend. I said as much to her on the phone today and she started crying, saying I had no idea how sore her throat was and that she is being left out of everything. Left out of what?! How much more can I do?!

I feel like I'm at the end of my tether with her - like she's completely out for herself and puts herself first constantly. She didn't even want to come to our wedding because she hates that I'm still in touch with my father's side of the family. She twists every situation into some kind of problem or issue.

I have no idea what to do.

daithi1970

God love you, your mother sounds like a total weapon- you need to keep yourself healthy and sane,especially in your condition..try googling "detaching with love" for further information on coping with loved ones with addiction issues.

Hope this helps,

daithi

trixy

Hey am sorry to hear that but other member right, you have to look after yourself, for what u and your sister went through you sound like a loving caring person. She maybe your mother but she is still a person with very selfish needs. You will never change her or your past but you have your own life and future to be happy about. Unfortunately anything like this comes with guilt and you are going to have to stop the guilt and leave her be, you will always be there for her in reasonable fashion but she sounds like a teenager with tantrums. You have to let go for your own sanity , good look with the pregnancy and concentrate on that.

LegacyUser

Without given any diagnosis here, what is her mental state/status like? I know of one person who suffers from the same addiction and is a compulsive liar. Tells crazy, obscure lies to family members in a sort of attention seeking manner. That person has a mental illness aswell, I'm not saying your own mother does but it may just be something to look into if possible by mentioning to a GP, etc.

On another note she sounds like someone who craves attention. She could simply be very lonely and resents her situation, and doesn't know how to deal or direct that anger in an appropriate manner. Do you ever feel that she is resentful of the 'happy' or more stable domestic lives that yourself and your sister live? Something she didn't do.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Daithi, I had a look at a couple of websites after googling, there are some very helpful tips there, thank you.

Trixy, that's exactly it, I feel awful guilty for even thinking badly of her. I feel bad for her on her own but then again that's the life she chose for herself. She behaves like a Martyr, everything is woe is me, poor me, what'll I do - it's felt like I'm the parent for years.

Tryingtohelp I just had a similar conversation with my sister afterwards last night, we are both wondering if there is some mental issue there. I think Mum is definitely jealous that we both don't "need" her anymore, that we have our own families - but we're both adults. I wouldn't have a clue where to start with regard to a GP, she doesn't have a regular one anymore, she is into a lot of alternative therapies and meditiation, all that craic.

I've had to talk my husband down from ringing her and giving her a piece of his mind, he says that she has been doing this to me for years, and reeled out a list of times she let me down or made a big issue out of something. He has lost all patience with her and has no interest in her problems any more. I feel bad for feeling the same but I really, really can't do this anymore. I also can't talk to her at all if she's twisting things and telling god knows who everything I say. My sister was able to repeat big chunks of conversations I'd had with Mum, albeit with legs added on.

She feels guilty now for letting her Grandson down at the weekend so I'm getting lots of lick-up "hope you are all okay, I'm still so sick" texts. I know if I rang her she'd put the waterworks on and then ring my sister telling her I ate her. AGH!

Anyway, thanks a million for your replies.

car.kar

Have you explained all this to her? As in, told her that you and your sister have caught her out in her lies because neither of you said those things about each other to her?

She sounds like the type of woman who won't listen or who will play the pity card, but the three of you should all sit down together and talk about what's going on. Explain how you feel as though she's let you down, use all the examples you've given above. If nothing changes then you can at least say - guilt free - that you tried to work it out with her.

Other than that, focus on yourself and your family now OP. You have a young child and another one on the way - you don't need the stress of this while you're pregnant. Stop giving her money and paying for things and doing things for her. Let her come to see you, and if she won't.. well then she'll just remain alone in her house.

mandy30

Your mum sounds exactly like my father.

In the end I had to detach from him as I couldn't take any more of him. He is a toxic parent.

If your mother is bringing nothing to your relationship but negativity and bad feeling, it might be time to try and step back a bit.

Best of luck. I know how hard it is