How to live with a gravely ill family member?

xxpopopxx

My uncle recently had a heart attack and is now in a coma state where day by day his condition changes and is unpredictable. It is unknown to us when he will wake up or even if he ever will wake up. This news of course came as a shock to all of us, especially my mother who doesn't seem like herself lately, constantly worried about my uncle's condition, which is understandable of course.

I've never been in this situation before where a family member is gravely ill and threading between life and death. Each day we hope his condition doesn't deteriorate and wakes up.

I'm a bit confused myself on how I should be acting and living in my everyday life. I've finished my exams and I'm now on my summer holidays. I want to enjoy it as much as I can as it's the last one before I graduate college. However with my uncle in such a state, should I be allowed to enjoy myself?? I'm not sure I should going out partying, having fun etc. I originally wanted to go on holidays with my friends but now I'm feeling extremely guilty for having these thoughts and especially guilty towards my mother. I'm not sure how I should spend the rest of my summer holidays, I know my problem is miniscule compared to what my uncle is facing but does anyone understand my confusion and feelings? I feel completely lost and unsure of how I should act and what I should do....

CathyMoran

Have been both the ill person and the person with a sick relative. You can not put your life on hold - it would be different if it was a closer relative but even then you are allowed to enjoy yourself the odd time as you do not know how long this could be going on and you could end up in bad health if you do not. You do not know when your mother might really need you - listen and pace yourself.

Stavro Mueller

Have you tried chatting to your mother? There's a good chance she'd hate it if you felt you shouldn't be out enjoying yourself because of what happened. What you could do is be helpful and supportive to your mum when you're home. Do housework, maybe go on hospital visits with your mum as moral support, be there if she does want to talk.

iusedtoknow

xxpopopxx wrote: »

My uncle recently had a heart attack and is now in a coma state where day by day his condition changes and is unpredictable. It is unknown to us when he will wake up or even if he ever will wake up. This news of course came as a shock to all of us, especially my mother who doesn't seem like herself lately, constantly worried about my uncle's condition, which is understandable of course.

I've never been in this situation before where a family member is gravely ill and threading between life and death. Each day we hope his condition doesn't deteriorate and wakes up.

I'm a bit confused myself on how I should be acting and living in my everyday life. I've finished my exams and I'm now on my summer holidays. I want to enjoy it as much as I can as it's the last one before I graduate college. However with my uncle in such a state, should I be allowed to enjoy myself?? I'm not sure I should going out partying, having fun etc. I originally wanted to go on holidays with my friends but now I'm feeling extremely guilty for having these thoughts and especially guilty towards my mother. I'm not sure how I should spend the rest of my summer holidays, I know my problem is miniscule compared to what my uncle is facing but does anyone understand my confusion and feelings? I feel completely lost and unsure of how I should act and what I should do....

I was in a very similar situation when I was in college, only you know your family but I went about my business as normal, with the added responsibility of going in to see my uncle in the hospital every couple of days (maybe 2 times a week) as well as keeping in close contact with my aunt and cousins during the whole time (he unfortunately had a stroke and held on for a few months).

It was sad for everyone, but after the first 2 weeks, life had to carry on with some normality, even for his own kids. My uncle was the life and soul of any party and life in general and would have hated everyone sat around waiting on him.
I went to work, out with friends and took the odd weekend away as did his own kids. Things were different but had to go on as the same, for many reasons but one of the main ones was to keep a bit of sanity about the situation

LegacyUser

I'm a nurse, so am fairly famliar with families not knowing what to do in these situations.

I would commit to visiting him X times a week. Whatever feels right. Ask your mother if she wishes you to come along on her visits, for support. But if you are close to your uncle you shouldn't wait to go with someone - you're no longer a kid and the staff wouldn't regard you as a kid.

I would not recommend you plan a holiday away. If it's abroad it will cause anxiety "What if something happens and he has trouble getting a flight back?". Recently I had a patient who was gravely ill with cancer. Her son and his wife & kids had a holiday booked and decided to take it. Whilst they were away she deteriorated rapidly and the stress it caused the husband.....they did get back in time to say goodbye but it was by a matter of about four hours. That was upset that the husband and the rest of the family (and the son himself) could really have done without.

However, your main duty is to look available. Going out to the pub does not affect that, and actually I would say that all family members have to practise self-care. It is no harm to let some of the anxiety flow out of your body.

xxpopopxx

Thank you everyone for the replies, the thing is my uncle is living in a different country which is also a lot harder for us since it means we can't get to see him, but taking consideration of the whole situation I think it's best if I put off my holiday plans but enjoy my summer with what I have here in Ireland!