Easily attached to people

LegacyUser

Hi, I was in a long term relationship from 19-23 years of age which ended last year. It hurt really badly when it ended (it was my first proper relationship) and I vowed that I'd steer clear of any sort of attachment to the opposite sex for a few years. A year and a half later from the breakup and I already feel kind of attached to someone. The problem is she's a friend - and I know deep down that we should stay as just friends. I find it hard to understand why I seem instantly attracted to members of the opposite sex that I get on well with. We are quite flirty with each other and have had a drunken snog on a night out a couple of months back (which we haven't mentioned much since). I find myself thinking of her a lot and I know she's more emotionally mature than me and wouldn't think of me much (if at all), even if she liked me. I'm just wondering how do I stop pretty much falling for girls that I get on with? Why do I feel attraction to people that I'd much rather stay friends with? I've never been the type to get loads of girls so I'm thinking it could be my inexperience has caused me to be like this? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

EasilyAttached wrote: »

I find it hard to understand why I seem instantly attracted to members of the opposite sex that I get on well with.

Because that's how we form relationships. Do you think you should be instantly attracted to members of the opposite sex that you don't get on with at all?? How would that work in a relationship?

EasilyAttached wrote: »

I'm just wondering how do I stop pretty much falling for girls that I get on with?

You don't - you allow yourself to fall for someone, and maybe a relationship will come of it. Of course sometimes the relationship won't work out.. but sometimes it will. If you keep backing away from relationships, then you'll never have one.

I understand you took the breakup very badly, but I think it's silly to give yourself a time frame of "a few years" to stay away from girls because your first relationship didn't work out.

You never know when you might meet someone, and you could be missing out on a wonderful relationship all because you've placed this "ban" on yourself.

December2012

I don't understand your problem.

You are attracted physically to a girl you get on with.

You're single.

If she's single, then go for it.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

I don't understand your problem.

You are attracted physically to a girl you get on with.

You're single.

If she's single, then go for it.

My problem is that I get too easily attached and I feel it might be due to lack of options elsewhere. I don't want to "feel" attracted to this person, she's only a friend and I'd much rather it stay like that - not to sound too shallow but I know for a fact if I had never spoken to her before I wouldn't look at her twice, she's not my type. but as soon as any girl shows an interest in me it's like my brain thinks "well you're not gonna get interest anywhere else so you may aswell develop an emotional attachment to this girl"

judgefudge

Feel attached in what way? Like you just miss having someone so you gravitate towards any close female? Sorry I'm struggling to get where you're comin from really.

Are you physically attracted to her at all? Because if she's just not your type, but you've grown to feel a physical attraction, that's also normal. If however, you don't find her physically attractive but you feel emotionally attached then maybe you are just craving that feeling of being in a relationship.

If you really want to keep this girl as a friend then don't be flirty and don't drunkenly snog. It's not fair to her really.

December2012

Do you mean that you are uncomfortable in the attraction itself?

Are you lacking confidence in your decision making ability?

Perhaps going to talk with a counsellor would resolve the root issues that are making you unhappy?

Hannibal Smith

I get what you mean OP. You get on well with some one and to think you should pursue it because what if nothing better comes along and you don't find the person you click with and are attracted to?

I think its a self esteem issue. Why shouldn't you have the whole package? I dont believe in the whole notion of....there's one person out there for everyone but it doesn't mean you have to settle for anyone that shows a bit of interest. Everyone deserves better than that.

If you do settle it won't work out and you'll be constantly wondering when you meet some one new whether they were the person you should have held out for. Its not a good life for you and certainly not a good thing for the girl, who tagged a guy who just settled for her.

So separate it. When you meet someone you get on with...if there's no attraction there do not get attached....she's just a friend and always will be.

Big Bag of Chips

Is it a case of this girl is "not your type", so you from the outset you are being shallow in dismissing her as a potential partner. But then when you get to know her you realise there is more to her than her physical appearance, and you actually like really like her and click, and start thinking of her as a potential partner?

I think people who have "types" can severely limit themselves in their choice of partners. So if you like tall blondes, you think you should never go for a petite brunette.. so then you miss out on all that a particular smaller, brown haired girl can offer you purely because of her genetics, which she has no control over (no more than the tall blonde has!)

If it's a case that you are not attracted to her, but just feel close to her, then keep her as a friend. If it's a case that you find yourself becoming attracted to her, and wanting to spend more and more time with her, then it's time to admit you don't "have a type"!! And just see what happens.

feuerloupe

I find your post very confusing...you mentioned that she does not think about you....how do you know that for certain?? maybe she is...you appear to be very uncertain of your own feelings and dont seem to see the natural way that relationships and attachments form. is this flirting you do in a pub environment? are you afraid to lose her as a friend? you seem to not have any trust in yourself

DonQuigleone

I think the solution to OP's problem is to talk to more women.

I had a moment a while back where I went a year or two without much contact with the opposite sex, and then when I decided to throw myself in the ring again, the first women who took any interest in me I ended out falling hard for. Then I found out a bit more about her, and realised she wasn't what I was looking for and snapped back to reality.

If you talk to more women, your standards will increase.