still not over him

LegacyUser

Hi,I've been broken up with my ex almost 3 years and I'm still not over him how is this possible everybody said time would make it better but its really not.We were together 4 years and he was the love of my life, we had a really painful and drawn out break up which left me heartbroken for months and months afterwards. He moved away shortly after the break up and for a while i thought i was ok but i soon realized i wasn't. I think about him all the time i dream about him I know its crazy as i haven't even seen him in over 2 years and he is probably a completely different person but i cant stop these feelings. I' ve had a few relationships, if you can even call them that, but nothing serious. I feel like I' m stuck in the past while he's moving on with his life. Should I tell him how I feel and hope for the best or just go on how i am? Thanks for reading.

MintyDoris

Before you do anything else, I think you should look into getting some counselling. Just to get your thoughts straight. It's a long time to still be struggling and that must be quite painful for you. It will give you a new perspective that might be very helpful to you

Neyite

howcanthatbe wrote: »

Hi,I've been broken up with my ex almost 3 years and I'm still not over him how is this possible everybody said time would make it better but its really not.We were together 4 years and he was the love of my life, we had a really painful and drawn out break up which left me heartbroken for months and months afterwards. He moved away shortly after the break up and for a while i thought i was ok but i soon realized i wasn't. I think about him all the time i dream about him I know its crazy as i haven't even seen him in over 2 years and he is probably a completely different person but i cant stop these feelings. I' ve had a few relationships, if you can even call them that, but nothing serious. I feel like I' m stuck in the past while he's moving on with his life. Should I tell him how I feel and hope for the best or just go on how i am? Thanks for reading.

As long as you consider him "the love of your life" then you will never truly move on. Harsh to say, he isn't. He is someone who you loved very much once and still have feelings for. A real "love of your life" is someone who feels that way about you too.

But you are not in touch, and have not been for some time. He may be in a serious relationship. He may be married. He may even have a family. Or he may have none of these things but you simply were not the love of his life.

I'm not saying that to be hurtful by the way. I've been there, pining over someone for a few years, but I realised I was mourning an idealised version of our relationship. Once I remembered how it really was, I realised that even though I was mad about him, I was unhappy in that relationship too - I was unhappy that he didn't seem as committed as me, that he put his friends before me a lot, that I didn't feel really secure. And thats exactly how it was, because he didn't feel the same way about me. Once I realised I had been unhappy in that relationship, and saw where it wasn't working in hindsight, it really helped me to put it in the past. Do consider counselling - its very helpful for organising your thoughts.

You ask if you should contact him to reconnect again. I think deep down you know that if he still had feelings, he would be in touch on some level. If you do contact him and he declines to re-ignite your relationship, how will you feel? Will it give you closure do you think? Or will it bring you back to square one of trying to get over him?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I have tried counselling after it happened but didn't find it very helpful. Maybe the counselor wasn't right for me.I thought about going again but I feel ashamed that this is affecting me after all this time. I should be fine about it its been years. We broke up because we were young and went through a bad patch and he said he would always love me but needed to be on his own. I was heartbroken we both were that's why it was so painful. I had been in contact with him over the years just a few messages here and there. I think he does have a girlfriend (as far as i can see from fb and being told from friends) so i know in my head there is no point in even telling him how I am feeling, I'm just fed up of feeling like this, it is affecting my whole life and is obviously stopping me from finding a meaningful relationship. I wish I could just find some closure and stop pining over a life and man I can't ever get back.

fussyonion

I know a woman who is still head over heels in love with her ex and together they have two children.

Their relationship was tumultuous for many reasons and he left (with good reason) her about a year ago.

He sees his kids every weekend and he's civil to his ex for their sake, but this woman is SO obsessed with him that she has threatened to commit suicide several times. She's attempted it four times in the past year and says her life is not worth living without her ex.

She's been told that if she doesn't seek professional help, her children will be taken off her.

I know you don't have kids with your ex, OP, but I'm trying to show you what living in the past can do to your mind.

This woman won't move on despite pleas from friends and family and her life is a miserable existence.

Her ex has moved on and is happy with someone else and she can't.
Harbouring feelings for someone who doesn't reciprocate them is not healthy; as hard as it is, you will have to try and find a way of closing the chapter on that relationship.

Counselling seems your best option and I really think you should try and forget him.
You WILL meet someone else-I know you don't think so right now, but there is someone for everyone and you just have to try and look after YOU and think "Do I want to feel this way for the next 5 years?"

Best of luck.