I read his texts too, don't know what to do now

Hannah Gigi

Been seeing a guy for close to 3 months, nothing serious/official but everything's been going well. Up to today I'd actually been a bit worried that he was more into it than me. He's lovely to me, really affectionate and fun. Texts/calls me every day at this stage.

We were out last night and he was constantly on his phone. He seemed very gripped by whatever conversation he was having by text and at one point angled the phone away from me as he was texting. This morning I couldn't find my phone and he was asleep so I used his phone to ring mine. Then I did a bad thing, I read his texts. I wanted to see who he'd been texting.

Turns out he was texting his ex. They broke up late last year and from what little I know about it I thought it was a difficult break-up and assumed they weren't in contact anymore. Anyway, turns out him and the ex send each other friendly chatty texts every few days. That's fine.

But what really bugged me was this. On Thursday night we went to see a film together, we had organised it the previous weekend. Turns out on Wednesday night he went to see the exact same film with the ex and had also organised it a few days in advance. He never mentioned this to me on Thursday night and was pretending he was really excited to see the film. Ouch.

Also saw another text to one of his friends saying about me "I still have her on the go, she can be a good distraction until x", x being a month-long trip he's going on in September.

I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy and I wish I hadn't, I feel really bad about it and won't do it again to anybody. I'm going to have a good hard think about my trust issues. But what do I do now about him? I don't mind him being friends with his ex but not if he's not upfront about it. But I can't say anything to him because I'll have to admit what I did. I'm feeling a bit heartbroken right now because I really thought I'd finally found a genuine guy

jimd2

Hi Hanah, some others are probably more current on the dating scene but, in my opinion, you should not beat yourself up over reading his texts.

I am married and, if myself and my wife were out, I would think it very rude to be texting in company and not at least indicating who it is to. Sometimes I have a load of texts associated with a game or a gig but I would never hide them from my wife or whoever is in my company.

You saw the texts and, for better or worse, you now know he is meeting his ex and (at the very least) dating her and also is not beingb exactly gushing in his feelings about you to others.

Hard to know what to do but I think I would hit him with 2 questions.

1. When did you last meet X ? (X being his ex). Depending on his answer you could ask how often they are in contact.

2. Where do you see the relationship going in the context of your travelling abroad?

Ask him at a time and place where you cannot be interrupted and you get to see his reactions fully.

In my opinion f*ck him with regard to his phone and texts, thems the risks you take when you sleep over with someone and arent fully truthful at the same time.

In the end, it is your decision if you want to dump his sorry ass. Do what suits YOU and at a timing to suit you as well.

shampooman

Hey! I'm a guy and broke up with my ex 9 months ago and have being serial dating since. Actually met two really lovely girls since the break up but my ex was always on my mind so anything serious never really had any hope of developing. It's kinda obvious that he is not over her and from my experience it's best to just give him time, space and just back away from the relationship. It's totally not fair on you... the guy can't really be blamed either as his head is just elsewhere and probably very confused.

In regards to him texting his friend about you being a distraction, I think you can most likely take that with a pinch of salt. It could be full of bravado and not actually reflect his true feelings for you. Texts are strange as they often don't give you the full picture so I would never make any rash judgements based on them.

Anyways like I said I would just put distance between him and you, back away from him. Two things will happen... he will realise that he actually cares about you and start chasing or just fully concentrate on getting back with his ex. After all texting her when his out with you shows where his current priorities are. Again this is no reflection on you at all. Just his probably not over her.

Best of luck and chin up!

Neyite

Well, its good you know you need to work on your trust issues having read his texts, so I wont castigate you for that - I think what you found is punishment enough for that.

So. By saying you are a distraction he is either
a) playing down how he feels about you for the ex.
b) means what he says, and you are casual for him for the next month.

Neither option is nice, and neither would have me sticking around to be honest. He doesnt have to rub in their face how amazing you are to his ex, but he should at least speak of you respectfully behind your back, if he was a decent guy at all. What is wrong with a "dunno if its serious yet, but i enjoy her company" etc

He was very rude to text continually while out with you.

And, I dont like liars. For him to lie about being excited seeing the movie with you yet seeing it with the ex would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Can you say he was seen by someone on Wed night at the movie and that you were told and know he lied? Thats how I'd confront him - not about seeing the movie with a group, but for lying to you the following night.

car.kar

Hannah Gigi wrote: »

But what really bugged me was this. On Thursday night we went to see a film together, we had organised it the previous weekend. Turns out on Wednesday night he went to see the exact same film with the ex and had also organised it a few days in advance. He never mentioned this to me on Thursday night and was pretending he was really excited to see the film. Ouch.

Also saw another text to one of his friends saying about me "I still have her on the go, she can be a good distraction until x", x being a month-long trip he's going on in September.

The fact that he didn't tell you he was meeting up with his ex and acted as though it never happened is an alarm bell, to be honest. It suggests to me that there are still some feelings there - if there's nothing to hide, then why hide it? My ex boyfriend was in contact with his ex girlfriend while I was going out with him, and he always told me straight away whenever they were meeting up, at what time, and where they were going. I never asked him to do this, he just understood wanted put me at ease.

That text to his friend ... well, I would be inclined to think "f**k you, I'm more than just a distraction", but as a previous poster said, he could just be playing the big man to one of his mates and actually have genuine feelings for you, it's a tough call.

I would do as someone else suggested - just casually say that a friend of yours saw him with his ex. Nothing accusatory or aggressive, just try and get a feel for what their friendship is like at the moment, and ask why he didn't mention it to you.

And don't beat yourself up too much about reading the messages ... I did it once a few years ago and ended up finding out my boyfriend was cheating on me. Often what we find is punishment enough really.

Hannah Gigi

Thank you all for replying.

The 'distraction' thing I think I just have to try to forget about even though it really hurt to read.

As for the ex, it doesn't bother me too much that he texts her or sees her. I don't even mind that he didn't tell me they were still friends because we're not in a serious relationship yet. The small number of texts I read were just friendly, I don't think the cinema trip was a date, more just a friends thing. But there's clearly still feelings there.

What is the hardest to get around is the fact that he went to the cinema with me pretending it was his first time seeing the film. He could easily have said he went to see it with the lads and I would have just gone with my friends. It makes me think he's doing all these nice things for and with me and doesn't actually mean any of it. Why the hell would you organise to see the same film two days in a row? It's like he's just placating me.

I've thought about saying a friend saw him at the cinema but I couldn't really call him out on it fully as none of my friends would know what his ex looks like. I only know from seeing old facebook photos. So I could say a friend saw him with a girl but he could lie his way out of it. I really like him other than this and could see us working well together but I can't let myself be taken for a fool.

username123

IF you want to break up with him then you dont need to tell him anything, just tell him goodbye.

For me the ex thing would be unforgivable. Not the fact of the cinema date, the fact of lying about it to you and as you say, placating you. The distraction thing I wouldnt be bothered about.

But more than either of the above, the fact you felt you had to look in his phone at all shows you didnt fully trust him, and if you dont trust each other, you have nothing. Move on, find someone who isnt leading you on.

dellas1979

Oh-listen, I think you are trying to save something that is already gone...hes more or less admitted hes keeping you sweet until he goes where ever. Hes not actually in a relationship with you either. Remember that.

Hes lied to you about things, or rather not told you the full story. Hes texting away his ex in front of you all night. Now youve lost trust in him that youve been building up.

These are big warnings m'dear.

judgefudge

Is it really worth it OP? It doesn't sound like he plans to stick with you when he goes on that trip. And he also sounds like the type that would cheap (he clearly has no issue lying and deceiving you)

To be honest he sounds like a right headwreck. He's not treating you very well by lying to you. And you can dress it up as being 'one of the boys' so to speak but he was disrespectful about you to his mates.

I'd just call it quits if I were you. I wouldn't even tell him why because he'll turn it round and make you the psycho who went through his phone. Just tell him it's not working for you.

It's sounds like you don't want to do that since you're making excuses for him.... But I really hope you do. It's going nowhere if he's treating you like this so early on.

blatantrereg

"I still have her on the go, she can be a good distraction until x"

That's not bravado. That's saying that he's stringing you along quite nicely, has no intention of being faithful to you when he leaves (if he doesn't just dump you), and is feeling quite smug about this.

Guys don't belittle girls they actually like to each other. They sometimes belittle girls they have no respect for. If they belittle someone they are actually seeing, they certainly don't want the girl to be taken as their proper gf.

He is clearly stringing you along - pretending to be keen to see a film with you he just went to with another girl.

No self-respecting person would allow themselves to be taken for a fool like this. Just dump him. No need for an explanation or justification for reading his texts. He has not been open or honest with you so you should not feel any obligation towards him.

Dump him bluntly and without explanation. Let him be the one to feel foolish and confused.

Hannah Gigi

I hate to admit it but you're all right

Hard to take when yesterday I was worrying that he likes me more than I like him and today I get this. If I hadn't read those messages I would think everything is good. Suppose it's better to get the bad news now rather than later.

Stavro Mueller

As I read down through this I just thought none of it was very nice. Maybe there are perfectly innocent explanations for the pretence over the film, the texting the ex when they were out and the distraction comment. Who knows? It all adds up to something less than nice though.

Edit: I didn't see your post as I was writing this. Best thing to do is go with your gut instinct. It sound like this arrangement was a bit off-balance anyway seeing as you were worried that he liked you too much. Maybe you sensed something was a bit off before this?

Hannah Gigi

cymbaline wrote: »

Edit: I didn't see your post as I was writing this. Best thing to do is go with your gut instinct. It sound like this arrangement was a bit off-balance anyway seeing as you were worried that he liked you too much. Maybe you sensed something was a bit off before this?

To be honest my gut instinct tells me to give him a chance but everything I'm reading here makes sense. I wouldn't say the relationship was off-balance before, the only thing I was worried about was him being a bit too keen. I got no inkling of him being involved with anyone else as we talk almost every day. I don't know much about the ex but I had noticed they aren't friends on facebook anymore so I thought they had cut contact. Wish I could just ask him about it but that would mean admitting my crime
Might just back off for now and think it through.

Stavro Mueller

Even if you did ask him, he'd probably lie. He seems to have been accomplished one up til now

Goody2Shoes77

Hannah Gigi wrote: »

To be honest my gut instinct tells me to give him a chance but everything I'm reading here makes sense. I wouldn't say the relationship was off-balance before, the only thing I was worried about was him being a bit too keen. I got no inkling of him being involved with anyone else as we talk almost every day. I don't know much about the ex but I had noticed they aren't friends on facebook anymore so I thought they had cut contact. Wish I could just ask him about it but that would mean admitting my crime
Might just back off for now and think it through.

Your gut instinct told you to look through his texts. This was before you found out what you did. There was some degree of doubt there in your mind that made you do what you did. Don't beat yourself up about it; better to find out where you stand now and dump his sorry ass because in my opinion you (or anyone) deserves better treatment than that. I completely agree with someone else's advice here to not bother giving him any explanations as to why; he doesn't deserve that kind of consideration. Incessant texting someone else while out with you? How rude can a person be?

Hannah Gigi

Really going to sound like I'm making excuses here but the texting last night wasn't that big a deal. We were out with a big group of people and I actually spent most of the time with others. I just noticed every time I looked over at him he had his phone out. And the texts they were sending last night were along the lines of her being really drunk and asking him where he was and sending him gibberish messages and him telling her to go home and there was nothing he could do about it.

When I looked at his phone this morning I really didn't think it was going to be a girl, it was more pure curiosity that made me do it.

Still though, I know it's not looking good.

Stavro Mueller

You're in a no-win situation now. You can't say anything to him because you'd be admitting to reading the texts. Even if you don't say anything and keep going, do you think you can truly forget what he did and said? What happens next time he gets very engrossed in texting someone? Will you be wondering if it's the ex? Next evening you don't meet up - is he with her? Are you really just a distraction til he goes on his trip?

ThunderousRage

Hannah Gigi wrote: »

Really going to sound like I'm making excuses here but the texting last night wasn't that big a deal. We were out with a big group of people and I actually spent most of the time with others. I just noticed every time I looked over at him he had his phone out. And the texts they were sending last night were along the lines of her being really drunk and asking him where he was and sending him gibberish messages and him telling her to go home and there was nothing he could do about it.

When I looked at his phone this morning I really didn't think it was going to be a girl, it was more pure curiosity that made me do it.

Still though, I know it's not looking good.

Ive been in a situation like this before, albiet in a confirmed relationship. My advice is to get out now and dont waste anymore time on this guy.

I was fooling myself for a year and a half and had all my friends and family telling me to get out of the relationship as they could see the issues, whereas i was blinded by what i thought was love.

It took my car breaking and having no money to repair it for a week, resulting in me not been able to see her for a week for me to come to my senses. I realised how stupid and foolish i had been and should have walked away after the first month.

Immediately after i told her it was over she went back to her ex and was apparently sleeping with both him and other guys throughout our relationship whilst i was out working.

So get out of there and get yourself a guy who respects and loves you. Fear of never finding anyone else was part of the reason i trapped myself in a hell of a relationship and i have since met the girl of my dreams, a girl who i thought was out of my league and we have had a beautiful baby girl together and couldnt be happier.

So stay strong and i wish you the best of luck!