Webcam and long distance..

completely confused

Ok where to start.. I really need some help and an outside opinion on this .

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years. For the last year we have been long distance, he is in Ireland and I'm in Europe. We rarely go more than a month without seeing each other but it is very tough. Basically he has been putting a lot of pressure on me to do thing over webcam. I've done it a couple of times and sent him pictures but it was only to keep him happy really and I don't enjoy it. He knows this and I've told him on multiple occasions. We have fought so many times about it. He says he won't ask and then a month later he's back asking. It's like he has two brains.

The thing is its making me really resent him. Him and sex in general. I dread the thought of him mentioning it because I just change the subject, which leads to him telling me to lighten up, resulting in another fight. We have a very healthy sex life when we're together, and we always try new things. I just really don't feel comfortable doing things over a webcam. Call me prudish but I just don't like it. He sees it almost as a replacement for sex while I'm away, and he says it makes him feel like we're still a couple. I can see what he means but I don't feel that way. What we do over a webcam does not equate to sex together and it doesn't make it any easier for me at all.

I don't know what to do. I get so mad over it, because we keep having the same fight, and also because it really is tainting sex for me. Also when I was home last time he said that he felt like we hadn't had enough sex. I think there was maybe 5 nights over a 3 week period where we didn't. I work when I'm home too so some of the nights I couldn't stay with him or I was just too tired. It has put such a strain on our relationship, I have started to really dread sex which is not normal, and that makes me even madder because I really enjoy sex usually!

On the other hand, sometimes I feel maybe I should just do it? It's not something I would talk to my friends about so I don't know if this is normal in a LD relationship. Am I being selfish by not doing it?

It's such a mess, would appreciate any opinions out there.

LegacyUser

It sounds like he's being kind of selfish. He probAbly doesnt intend it that way, he's probably just missing you terribly or perhaps feels like he's losing touch with you. Men will often interpret a lack of sex as a.lack of love. You need to explain it to him in black and white, exactly as you did here and let him know that his sexual harassment is actually turning you off and having the opposite affect. Understandably.

desbrook

Okay so you both have polar opposite views on this - let's be honest . The only compromise possible is that you watch him and react but don't strip off . Any hope of that working ?

StillWaters

Whilst it is totally ok for you to not be comfortable with this, and he should respect this, to answer your latter question, yes, sexual relationships via webcam or phone would be fairly usual in long distance relationships.

fungun

My take is you since you are in a 6 year relationship you probably owed it to him to try it. Which you did and didnt like it. Thats fair enough. He should be ok with that but he feels it 'means' something...probably that you are ok going without sex in a way that he isnt and this creates a 'power' position

The worst thing is the tension it has caused and it has created this stereotypical position where he 'wants sex' and you 'dont want sex' (only this is cybersex). Are there other things you could do to break this 'position' that has been created? Like a couple of surprise visits or something. Something that reassures him you *do* want him and want sex, but that webcam is just not your thing.

blatantrereg

He feels a need for it to maintain a sense of intimacy with you. Without it he feels like you will slip away from each other. Since he perceives it as necessary for your relationship, of course he will be upset that you don't want to do it. He feels like you don't care.

You feel like you are being pressured into doing sexual things, which you're just not comfortable with. You don't understand why he is pressuring you when he has acknowledged you don't feel ok about them. You feel like he doesn't care.

Both your points of view are reasonable. The problem is that you are trying to maintain a serious relationship over long distance. It doesn't work for most people, and it's not working for you.

completely confused

Hey OP here.

THank you for your replies. Just in response to blatantrereg, we have actually done 2 years of long distance before, so this isn't new to us and although it was hard, we got through it. I know we can get through it again and I absolutely do not want us to break up and I think he feels the same.

Suprise visits are quite hard due the nature of both our work, he works nearly every weekend and I can't get off mid week.

It's a catch 22 really and very much a difference of opinions. It's just so draining having the same fight over and over.