Facing abuser at funeral?

LegacyUser

My friend has recently confided in me. She has a family member who is currently very unwell. She is very anxious about attending the possible family funeral that may take place in the foreseeable future. She has not seen her abuser in several years. The majority of her family members do not know of the abuse, only one or two, however, their attitude is to sweep it under the carpet. She is a wreck at the thoughts of having to face her abuser, see him interacting with everyone else, acting like nothing happened. This is her worst fear. What advice should I give her?

Neyite

Can she bring a support person who is aware of the abuse to stick by her side for the day? Preferably someone who is not afraid to be "rude" and drag her away to the loo /help with tea/ etc if he comes near her.

username123

Neyites advice is good. I have a friend in a similar situation who dreads family funerals.

Another option is simply not to go. A lot of people say "oh but you must go etc..." but the truth is, you can pay your respects to the dead in your own way and visit the grave etc. Im sure the person who has died would not want to put someone through something traumatic like facing their abuser. Just something to think about. Im in favour of looking after oneself and doing whatever is necessary to keep good mental health.

Hersheys

Has your friend ever gone for counselling? Do any doctors etc know of her past? If so the doc may be able to prescribe something to reduce her anxiety levels. Any time I've had to face my abuser my counsellor(s) and doctor(s) have been amazing at being supportive.

One thing I'll say - just listen. Be a sounding board for your friend. It's not going to be easy for her but things never seem as bad when you're going through them with someone supportive.

My abuser has terminal cancer. And I've to see them regularly enough. And I can't stress how important it is to lean on my friends during the tough times. Be a distraction for her, bring her shopping/cinema/anywhere fun you can think of - if she needs it. She may just want to talk, text, email... Ask her what she needs from you and bend over backwards to help her.

kylith

She is under no obligation to go. She could get the people who know what happened her to tell everyone else that she's unwell, and in no condition to attend the funeral.

ahnow

Hi there, I was abused by someone in the family as a child and there is nothing more traumatic.
Oneinfour are a good place for support if she needs anything extra.
She doesnt owe any of these people anything, my advice would be not to go, under any circumstances. It is extremely traumatic, especially seeing that person after a few years, and is not worth it.
Skip it, it is not worth it, especially if the people that know about it sweep it under the carpet, it will just add to the hurt.
She can lie and say shes very sick with the flu or vomiting bug if needs be. I cannot stress it enough that it would be a very, VERY bad idea to go.
If you can, recommend getting some extra support for her, it sounds like she could do with a few other people on her side, the poor thing. She shouldnt be put in this situation, and she has every right to be feeling upset.
Hope that you both are okay.