Do I tell her how I really feel?

Authentic

Ok, so this is going to be a long one, Ill try to keep it short and I really have nowhere else and noone else to go with this so I really hope I get some help here.

I met this girl few months ago, well a while ago but we only got close few months ago. But it was always plutonic, from both sides. This girl quickly became my best friend. I tell her everything even stuff my closest friends dont know and she tells me everything as well.

We always joke how we`re basically the same person, as we match in everything. Our ambition, views on almost everything from religion to stupid stuff like ketchup vs mayo. She gave me advice on my gf`s at the time and I to her with her current boyfriend. She is in a relationship which is pretty long, 7-8 years, but its always been an "on and off" thing.

Anyways, only recently I started feeling something for her and I already loved her as a friend before. She also loves me, but I am 99% certain that it is pure friend/brotherly love from her end.

I really dont know what to do.

On one hand, this is the girl of my dreams. She has everything I look for in a girl. On the other hand, I know if I tell her it will change our relationship.

As far as her boyfriend goes, she loves him but she often tells me (well 2-3 times, but thats a lot for the following), she says she knows deep down that he`s not the man she wants to be married to, but she still loves him. I can respect that, I mean we cant just choose who we love. It just happens. Anyways, she doesnt think he`ll change and shes afraid if she leaves him then noone will want her. (she`s "traditional") and I told her that`s nonsense.

Anyways since then, they made up and she just says that she`s just panicking sometimes but she loves him and everything will be fine. Of course this all happened before I started feeling this for her, so I never really told her "what are you talking about? I am right here, forget him."

She is also bit older (3 years) but she mentioned an age isnt really an issue to her, when talking about some other guy. In additon to this, she wants to get married in the next few years and she is kinda old fashioned when it comes to that, as in have kids, settle down. Not that she`s one of those "my main aim in life is to have kids and be a housewife", far from it.

So basically I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to lose her, but I also dont want to just be friends. I really feel like she is the one I truly do, I never felt like this about another girl in my entire life. But its that damn voice in the back of my head that knows that she doesnt feel the same, thats not moving me of the fence. Its not even a fear of rejection (well a bit I suppose, who doesnt have that fear), but mainly that that rejection will lead to the demise of our whole relationship as we know it.

I had my mind made up to tell her, because IF she really is the one it would be stupid to let her go away. But then I see her talk about her boyfriend and she does love him and more imporantly I think she is IN love with him. But I cant love the guy more than myself if Im just gonna stand there and do nothing, right? I dont know.

I broke contact with her 2 weeks ago, as I couldnt stand it anymore. She messaged me asking if she did anything wrong, was it her fault. I just gave some excuse and soon after I basically relapsed and just said it was nothing and that everything was back to normal now. Because I just couldnt NOT talk to her. I mean I love her, i really do.

Also I should add, Im not going to see her until late July and I want to say it to her in person, but I also cant wait anymore this is eating me alive.

I dont know, Im really in need of advice here. Whatever advice it may be.

Lorna123

I think that you should tell her OP because this friendship is never going to work out from now on anyway, now that you feel you are in love with her. You can't continue being just friends with someone you are in love with. So forget about losing the friendship if she doesn't feel the same about you. That friendship is gone now.

You just tell her that you have grown to love her and that you now realize that if she doesn't feel the same that the friendship has to cool off because you would be constantly looking for signs that she might be falling for you too or it will hurt you to hear about other guys she is in love with. You can't put yourself through all of this indefinitely. You also would not be able to look her straight in the face every time you meet up with her if she knows you are in love with her and she doesn't feel the same.

At least if you find out that she doesn't feel the same then you can find yourself someone who will feel the same about you and you won't be moidering yourself wondering. You will then feel free to find someone new.

This friendship has run its course so you have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel. Best of Luck.

LegacyUser

I was in the exact same situation a few years ago, did nothing about it and lived to regret it. I actually met the girl a few weeks ago with some other friends and she more or less asked me why the hell I never did anything?

You aren't friends in the real sense, as you can't share the most important thing that is on your mind. Wait until you see her in July and explain to her how you feel. From what she you have said, she does seem to share your feelings somewhat.

I know it seems daunting because of the fear of a negative response, but you know, even if it is negative, it is not the end of the world. She probably knows there is something there and you will both be relieved that it is out in the open. Then you can both decide what you want to do about it.

Worst case scenario, she stays with her boyfriend, things are awkward at first, but you can begin to move on knowing you gave it your best shot. That is a hell of a lot better than doing nothing, ending up with the same result and being left wondering "what if"?

ManOfMystery

There's been a lot of threads on here from people who have fallen in love with a friend, and are worried that if they tell the person then the friendship will be ruined.

You tell the person - you risk a bad response. Or........ you might get a good response. The friendship might end, but it may also turn into a relationship.
You don't tell them - then the friendship continues on as it is, and you have to keep your feelings to yourself. Meanwhile, you're making yourself pretty much emotionally unavailable to anyone else for weeks/months/years until either your feelings change or the friendship changes and you move on.

One way or another, this friendship is no longer a typical 'friendship'. One of the parties involved is in love with the other, so the dynamics of the friendship between you both has changed irrevocably whether you like it or not - it's just not become public yet. Is there a perfect solution to that situation? I don't know - probably not. That's life; people change and relationships change and you just have to deal with these things and not bury your head in the sand.

I usually recommend honesty. The situation has changed now and you either deal with it, or ignore it. And by the sounds of your post above, ignoring it isn't really an option as your feelings are too strong. Even if her response is not what you would like to hear, at least it's out in the open and you can then move on without spending the next few months or years of your life wondering "what if..........?"

desbrook

Agree totally with the other two posters OP - you need to tell her . I think it's clear from the end of your post that you feel very strongly . So strongly that continuing as friends isn't going to work out - the pure friendship is over already . Quite simply you have nothing to lose by telling her .

Authentic

beentherebefore wrote: »

I was in the exact same situation a few years ago, did nothing about it and lived to regret it. I actually met the girl a few weeks ago with some other friends and she more or less asked me why the hell I never did anything?

You aren't friends in the real sense, as you can't share the most important thing that is on your mind. Wait until you see her in July and explain to her how you feel. From what she you have said, she does seem to share your feelings somewhat.

I know it seems daunting because of the fear of a negative response, but you know, even if it is negative, it is not the end of the world. She probably knows there is something there and you will both be relieved that it is out in the open. Then you can both decide what you want to do about it.

Worst case scenario, she stays with her boyfriend, things are awkward at first, but you can begin to move on knowing you gave it your best shot. That is a hell of a lot better than doing nothing, ending up with the same result and being left wondering "what if"?

The thing is im 99% sure that its all plutonic on her side, so I caem to grips with that and you know sure **** it, what can you do

I decided I am going to tell her but an additionali dillema is here for me as this is eating me alive I HAVE to say it, I just HAVE to

BUT...

I want to do it face to face, it seems like it has to be done in this way. But waiting until July, man that usually seems like nothing but with this on my shoulders every day feels like a month.

Do I tell her now, in writting or in few months? I dont know. I want to do it face to face, but I also have to talk to her on almost daily basis and to me that kinda seems sly, as in Im feeling this yet saying nothing and just dropping a bomb on her in July.

I dont know. Love man, why the hell cant it be simple.

beks101

Well you've waited this long, another month won't kill you.

I would say prepare yourself now for the rejection you might face, if it does happen it's gonna suck and you might lose a friend as well, so just start to consider that now as opposed to waiting and hoping and then....BANG, you're in the gutter.

And don't fall into the trap of thinking ye can still be friends, as I suspect if she doesn't share the same feelings that's what she's going to want. It would be destructive and massively head fcuky to stay in the friend zone with someone you have feelings for and would do you no good whatsoever.

Tell her, hear what she has to say, and if your instincts about this unrequited love thing are right, cut contact completely.

Brussels Sprout

The Sunday Times featured a study a few months ago that was carried out on "platonic" relationships between men and women. The results were pretty interesting. Basically the conclusion was that often the males were attracted to the females and felt that the women felt the same way. In contrast the females were often oblivious and felt that it really was a platonic relationship.

Link to summary of study

So basically yes OP there's a good chance that our hunch is right and you're more into her than she is to you. You should still go for it though. Better to give it a shot then to forever wonder.

Lorna123

I am beginning to think that this girl doesn't feel the same as you do OP and the reason is that most women know when a guy is in love with them. It is usually obvious. You are also saying that you are 99% sure she doesn't feel the same. Is there any way you can just get that into your head without having to hear the words from her. One thing I would not do and that is write to her. You don't want to have your feelings in writing if she doesn't feel the same as you as you would feel more vulnerable afterwards. Wait until July. Don't rush into anything now. Give yourself time to come to terms with the fact that she probably doesn't feel the same as you. You will feel much better if you just say nothing now and wait. Could you even wait until you get some kind of a sign from her before confessing all.

Authentic

Well the only reason and really its the only reason is that I am sure if I made a move way at the begining it would be a different story now. I listed back our convos from while back, not to "analyse" them but just to make sure to myself that this isnt just a "phase" I`m going to and that I need to be 100% sure that I really do feel this way.

Basically she stated few times how her and the current boyfriend are complete opposites, but she loves him and she alludes this is for 1. she spent most of her youth with him in the relationship (I mean 8 years is awful lot, be it on and off or not) and 2. her fear of basically leaving him and then noone will want her as she`s "old" (women`s logic I dont know)

But then she says stuff to me like "Im so happy you get me and really understand me" and "we`re basically like 1 person" and the thing is I really do 100% without a shadow of a doubt feel like this.

All in all, despite me thinking she sees me as a brother/friend after a long thought process and a lot of "analysing" I am still going to tell her, that`s a certain. Like someone said above, the friendship as a pure friendship is gone, from my end its not the same thus the whole complexity has changed.

And if I truly feel like she`s the one for me, I would be an idiot to just shut up and let that guy take her. I never believed in soul mates and all that stuff, but she`s the closest I have come to experiencing this and I`ll be damned if I just say F it I`ll just step off.

daRobot

Tell her asap. She might be feeling the exact same thing as you, and it could be a really beautiful thing.

Life is too short.

I sincerely hope it goes your way

Authentic

well thats the thing im debating in my head, writting or face to face.

I`d appriciate if the female members could voice their opinion with this?

So far all I`m hearing is face to face.

newuser30

No it doesn't have to be face to face, you could email her? Might be easier to write it down, explain why you have been distant etc. I think personally I'd appreciate it written, it may come as a surprise to her so she may need time to digest it and think about it before she responds. I would feel a little on the spot and not know how to react if it was face to face because it is a complicated situation since she's in a relationship. But that's just me, she may be different and prefer a face to face conversation.
May I ask why, honestly, do you think she doesn't feel the same? You haven't said anything that would suggest she does feel the same, but she has got unusually close to a single guy while in a relationship, telling you things she is not telling her boyfriend. It looks like they are going to break up anyway, and it's fairly obvious she's trying to suss out from you (from a guy's perspective) how she will get on being single again, all the oh I'm too old, nobody will want me etc etc. She seems to be staying in her relationship out of fear being on her own, this is just from what you have said, it may not be the case. I think you should be honest with her either way, your feelings will only get stronger anyway if it is not as you said a phase.

LegacyUser

You have to tell her and take the chance.

It is that simple. You know how you feel and the friendship, such that it is, is over. If you stay friends after you tell her your feelings will either slowly poison your friendship or you'll never let yourself get over her. Eitherway you can't really be friends with someone you want to be with.

I don't see why you have to wait til July to meet up? As you say, each day is hell for you, so go to her as soon as possible and have it out with her.

Good luck, and remember, faint heart never won the fair lady. Have faith in yourself and in how you feel and if she says no well at least you'll know.

Duberlin Chick

Well given the fact that your convinced she sees you as a friend AND the fact that she has a boyfriend I think you should move on.

You need to broaden your circle and get yourself out and about socially and I'm sure before long she won't seem like the be all and end all. Shes off limits and you should respect that until circumstances change. Sounds like you've invested a lot of time in this girl, I think you should explore other options.

Lorna123

I am feeling now that if this girl was interested in you OP she would have broken up with her b/f just to see how you would react. She has to know that you will not make a move while she is in a relationship with someone else. You are single and she is in a relationship and she is not prepared to take the chance by breaking up with this guy to see if you will make a move !!! She might have said that if she broke up with him no one else would have her and this might have been to see what you would say. I really can't see how a woman who is 3 years older than you doesn't sense how you feel and she is doing nothing about it. She has the option of breaking up with this guy, even just an arranged break up for a while and this would give you a chance to make a move. She is not doing that !!

If you are bound and determined to tell her then be prepared for the answer if it is no. You are all psyched up now for telling her and the adrenalin is high but try to see how you might feel if she rejects you. Would you prefer to be in limbo than facing the rejection. I don't know OP but I think there has to be ways of finding out how this girl feels about you without having to confess to her.

Could you say something like "what exactly do you want in a man" if she complains about her b/f again. You could say "we get on so well, do you think we could ever be an item", or "funny we never got closer than friends" stuff like this would give you your answer without you having to pour out your heart.

I would not write to her if I were you. I know it is easier to explain things in an e-mail but you don't want to be saying too much, overwhelming her. You need to keep it simple. You don't want her to have evidence in an e-mail if she doesn't feel the same about you. It would be harder for you to deal with the situation later on.

You think if you don't tell her you will burst, but I really think she already knows OP. She likes having you around because you boost her ego, so she will continue on with this friendship because it costs her nothing. If she was in love with you she would be thinking of ways to let you know and women are better at this than men are, so if she hasn't done this so far then my gut instinct now is that she doesn't feel the same.

Put the above questions to her OP. Just ask her would she ever consider having a relationship with you seeing as you get on so well and see how she reacts. This is better than telling her that you are in love with her and less awkward.
Best of Luck. Fingers crossed.

daRobot

It 100% has to be face to face. It's important.

Be brave.

Authentic

See thing is she`ll say in a joke "yeah your the best fit for me, we fit in every way" then immidatley follow with "ah im just kidding" and then shift the topic

Iunno, I`ll tell her thats not question anymore.

I just feel like at the moment I have a best friend and a love of my life, but then after I`ll tell her I wont have either. And I guess thats the biggest fear, but I`ll just have to suck it up and go for it. I know that much at least.

I guess the mods should leave this open if people want me to answer how everything went in July