dont know what to make of the situation...

LegacyUser

ok, so, basically me and my friend had sex. i know him years, and the past few months he stays with me whenever he's in the city. we're both single, no alcohol involved. we were just on the couch one night, and we started to cuddle watchin a movie. he said he liked to have his arms around me and i replied saying that it did feel good, and later we ended up doing it. he stayed in my bed, we did it 3 more times over the space of 2 days.

we both said it had to stop after the first time. but we both just couldnt resist. so basically we entered a "friends with benefits" sort of thing.
i dont think i want any kind of committed relationship with him. i am crazy about another guy i know, and he likes another girl, and has even spent time with her. not in a date way, but theyve arranged to hang out. he hasnt kissed her or anything yet, so he's not "cheating" on her.

but i actually dont think it bothers me, i dont like hearing it, but i dont really mind too at the same time. i told him he should ask her out on a date, cos i dont want to let him know it bothers me either. if any of that even makes sense...im that confused!!!

but he says sweet things to me, and then takes them back and says hes only joking. but im afraid that im reading too much into things, especially after we had sex, we shared a bond so maybe i could just be looking for things to read!

i try not to bring up the guy im crazy about, out of sensitivity to him really. but he has come up before we slept together, i told my friend all about him about 2 or 3 months ago, and he was giving me advice. my friend knows im crazy about him and knows his name , lets call him john (but has never met him). but over the weekend, i said i was chatting to John, and my friend said "who's John?" and i said "MY john", shocked, and he was like "oh that guy!!". very wishy washy. BUT he talks to me about this girl he wants to date!!!

he's a strange guy in a way its hard to read his signals. and he just seems to want to have a laugh all the time. like he's always messing. but when i've had personal problems in the past during our friendship he has always been there for me. but never really opens up about himself. he'd share his experiences to help give advice.

i asked him if he felt weird after us having sex, like about 2 days after. and he said "not at all!!" and we didnt act any differently with eachother after having sex.

im afraid of bringing it up to him, incase he's like "what??? i dont have feelings for you!!!" and he'll think i have feelings for him, and it could destroy our friendship!!! i cant imagine us being a couple at all. and i think thats a sure enough sign for me to not want to be in a relationship with him.

how do i bring it up in a casual way???? from what ive told you here, what do you think his behaviour means??? could he have feelings for me??? thanks in advance... sorry its so long!!

kjl

Ok I can tell you now 100% this guy has feelings for you. This other girl is just a way of hiding his feeling for you for whatever reason.

I always find it interesting how the female mind works. Hearing about this other girl bothers you, but you are the one telling him to run off and date her. I think he was using this other girl to judge your reaction to him, see if you were upset and you gave him the biggest curveball in the world.

I think you need to make a choice, if you like this guy or "your John", because this guy is obviously crazy about you. I do find it weird that you called him "my John", that suggests to me that you are currently seeing him, is this the case? If I was your friend I would be upset about you saying that to me, especially if I had feeling for you.

If you don't like this guy in any way more than a friend, you need to tell him.

LegacyUser

OP here.
thanks for the reply

i know, i even find it strange that him talking about her bothers me, yet i still tell him to go for it with her. but i suppose its just some kind of psychological thing. ive never had a friend i just have sex with and nothing more. so i suppose its more habit that it should bother me? and im trying to make it not bother me. i dont know!

but if you knew this guy! he's really confident when it comes to women! he's been in relationships, and has told me before about his escapades with women. not in too much detail now. and it was him who kissed me first!!

but i wouldnt agree that he 100% has feelings for me just yet. he was gone when i got home from work (as he had to return home for a few day, he goes back and forth a lot). he sent me an email from the train saying hes sorry and doesnt mean me any disrespect and said i was his good friend. i replied saying i dont feel disrespected at all. that it takes two to tango!! but he didnt reply! he rang me then a few hours later, said something sweet again to me, said he was only joking, and was looking to see if something he left in my house was there.

as to referring to John, as "My John". well, i suppose that was just more of an affection thing. my friend knows all about john. i told him about 2 or 3 months ago how much i liked him (that is a different story altogether) and my friend gave me advice on guys. he has asked me a few times over the passed couple of months (as recently as about 3 weeks ago) if there was any updates, and was genuinely interested to know. so when i said it to him about john, and he said "whos that?" it took me by surprise. even though, he had brought up the girls hes into before i ever mentioned i was talking to john!! so i dont know. its a toughie to gage, and i think its cos of his personality! i havent heard from him since he went back, but hes due back again in a few days. i just dont know how to approach the situation with him!!!

Overheal

From what I read, both of you seem to be acting weirdly around each other.

but i actually dont think it bothers me, i dont like hearing it, but i dont really mind too at the same time. i told him he should ask her out on a date, cos i dont want to let him know it bothers me either.

Two conflicting emboldened statements,

but he says sweet things to me, and then takes them back and says hes only joking.

context would help.

but when i've had personal problems in the past during our friendship he has always been there for me. but never really opens up about himself. he'd share his experiences to help give advice.

Have you asked him things, to open him up? It's not that people don't want to open up, but people just don't spontaneously break the silence with "hey wanna check out this cool skeleton in my emotional closet?" it comes down to asking the right questions. Myself, I'm not an open book, but if you want to know it is usually just a matter of asking. That also comes from the fact that psychologically, people just aren't regularly thinking about such things, unless someone asks you and then that part of your brain will fire on.

Lorna123

You might consider me a fuddy duddy but this is my two cents worth. You have slept with this guy a couple of times and you are good friends so it is now time to have a discussion about where any of this is leading. As it stands it comes across that you have sex lightly and it doesn't bother you to have it with your friends rather than in a relationship. Now this goes for him too. I would not like anyone to think that I had sex lightly. That is just my opinion. So to save the day I would be asking him how he feels about me and if he is not interested in me in any other way except friends I would tell him that there is no more sex between you and that what happened was a mistake. If he asks you how you feel about him I would just say that you were a bit confused and that you knew you liked him and that's how the sex thing developed but that since you have thought about it and you don't like the idea of friends having sex as you like to save yourself for the man you are having a relationship with. Saying nothing and continuing on is making you look like sex means nothing to you. I would not like anyone to think that about me, but bringing it up makes it look like you, at least, have a conscience.

LegacyUser

i can see how you would think that i take sex lightly. and i just want to explain myself in this one, whether its worth it or not,but i dont want people, even strangers on boards to think that i have sex lightly. but about 7 months ago, i ended a 5 year relationship. i havent been on a date, or have had sex since then. but when me and my friend got close, it did feel really good to be close like that with a man again. i was feeling lonely, and it had been a while for my friend too. we are both single so we figured, why not?!

and i know this may seem completely contradictory to my feelings, but im being completely honest. i do want to have sex with him again!! but thinking about it the last few days, im starting to wonder if i do actually have feelings for him! but im wondering do i only think i have feelings for him cos we shared something so personal! im so confused! writing it does help!

the sweet things... i'll give an example. he went out to a pub to meet some friends of his (he doesnt drink, and hasnt done for years) but he came back early around 12.30 or so, and i said "you're back early!" and he was like "i came back cos i missed you". i said "aw no way", and he laughed and said "ah no, i just wanted to leave, the boys were getting too drunk". so thats an example of the sweet things. but he kind of has that sense of humour too! where he could just be teasing me. I really dont know!!!

njs030

How old are you both op?
It sounds to me like you do like him but you're scared he doesn't feel the same.

The fact that he's told you (before and after sex) that he likes someone else and offered you advice could mean he genuinely sees it as just sex and nothing more. I would personally think if there was more to it he would have asked you out on a date or made some effort to bring it into conversation.

If you want to know what's going on ask him straight out but be prepared for him to say it was nothing more than sex.
Though if he did say he was interested in you do you know what you want? Decide that before you start asking questions!!!

Best of luck.

newuser30

Id say just leave it. Neither of you sound like you really are into one another enough to start a relationship. A girl will naturally begin to question her feelings after sleeping with a guy, he knows that you are probably wondering what's going on but he hasn't said anything. He is probably confused too, he doesnt want to make you feel bad by saying it was just a ONS, and if he broaches it he will either have to say that or ask you out, but hes not sure what he wants. So its easier to avoid it. And i wouldnt waste time with a man who's not sure and hasnt talked to you properly since it happened. So if possible continue the friendship and forget about it, avoid sleeping together again, unless you are both absolutely clear about what each other wants.

Lorna123

He could have feelings for you but with all this talk about you fancying someone else and him the same neither of you is prepared to risk telling each other how you feel. I would just make it blatantly clear that you feel that you should not have had sex with him because this is not how you operate. You don't have sex with someone unless you are into them and want a relationship with them, at least that is how I feel about it. If he thinks you are prepared to have sex with someone you are not into then what do you think his opinion of you now is. I would not let him have this opinion of me and I would be telling him that you did feel something for him but you are not sure now what it was. I just would not leave it at having sex with someone and then not discussing it. I would not like him to think either that he can stay over with me, with all the benefits, and for there to be nothing else to it.

beks101

kjl wrote: »

Ok I can tell you now 100% this guy has feelings for you.

I don't know how you got that from the OP. My reading of it was the direct opposite. Aside from a bit of flirting vis-a-vis the compliments, which seems to be typical of his personality from the OP's description, he hasn't expressed any romantic interest in her beyond the sex.

He directly said that things weren't weird as a result of the physical stuff when prompted by the OP, he's expressed interest in another girl, he appears unconcerned about her love life ("John who?") and he attempted to apologize to her about the whole thing coz she's a "good friend" - which suggests he's more concerned about salvaging their friendship than getting into a relationship.

I think it's pretty straightforward what happened here - both single, both craving sex / intimacy, two friends in close proximity, obviously a bit of physical attraction there as there often is with two friends of the opposite sex, et voila, sexy times. OP self admittedly not used to sex outside of a relationship, further confused by the fact that this is a good friend, so it all becomes a bit of a haze.

OP, I'm similar to you in that I can't really do the casual sex thing without getting a bit confused about my level of emotional attachment. I've sort of learned the hard way. I've gone on dates with guys who were hilarious mismatches for me, desperately trying to find common ground because my brain couldn't accept the fact that we had mindblowing sex the night before but had zero potential beyond that. I've gotten ridiculously jealous & pissed off at a friend-turned-fb who'd chat up other women in front of me. Because sex is more than "just sex" me. That's how my brain works.

Not to stereotype, but lads are generally better at the "just sex" thing. I'm generalizing, but it's simply true. Your friend sounds like friends Ive fooled around with in the past. Feels a bit uncomfortable & guilty about the whole thing, given that you're a good friend, but thinks you're hot, and in the heat of the moment, didnt bother stopping himself.

My advice, end the sex thing now. You don't sound like you're capable of viewing it as just a physical release, a casual bit of fun, and it'll just get weirder to the point where the friendship falls apart if you continue. It doesn't take long for things to go pear shaped in these situations. Tell him you enjoyed getting intimate with him, but think for the sake of your friendship that it shouldn't happen again - and crucially, ask him how he feels about that. Of course the guy could be secretly madly in love with you, but to my mind, there's no real indication of that from what you've written.