Dealing with inappropriate neighbour

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Hi guys,
I am just wondering if anyone could give me some advice on a situation.
Basically, my neighbour, 24 years my senior, is creeping me out. This isn't a recent thing, he's been doing it since I was about 12 years old - however he's never acted on it or been physically inappropriate.

He would be friends with my dad, he is a handy man so if we need redecorating, tiling, anything fixed ect he is the person my dad will get. He is having a hard time at home, he lives with his mom and sisters and so is rarely home and will come to our house some evenings at dinner time, because I suspect he is hungry, now I don't mind this as he is very obliging and good, but ruins it being creepy.

Since I can remember, he's told me how pretty and "smoking hot" I am, and as a child this made me embarrassed so I used to retort with smart childish insults and he started to tell me, at 12, I would never be as beautiful as my mother.

Now I am 24 and nothing's changed, except for the fact I don't think he's joking anymore and I'm not sure he was joking back then either. He makes jokey remarks when I'm at home telling me I'm pretty or that he thinks I'm trying to seduce him by wearing dresses when he's in the house. But in text he's worse, calling me "hot stuff", "sexy legs", "smoking hot" with kissy faces, telling me if only he was better looking and younger with a sad face, asking if he's making me blush, ect.

I ignore all these messages, and do not acknowledge them. I have in the past asked him to stop sending me those kind of texts and he's laughed it off saying that's the last time hell give me a compliment.

I've talked to my father about how he makes me feel but my dad is ill at the minute, so the neighbour is needed to do physical jobs my dad can't do. My dad likes him anyway, thinks he's harmless and that he's only doing it to wind me up, so, he's not taking me being annoyed very seriously, he's told me to ignore it but I can't anymore, I've ignored it 12 years, even after he had a massive bouquet of flowers delivered to me at the age of 15. He's always made out he did it to "embarrass me in front of my friends" so my parents didnt take it as seriously, and he used to be always around my school right after my jc exams and would offer to bring me home, which makes me think there was more to it.

My dad clearly doesn't want to fall out with this man but I don't know what to do, I've told him I'm taken and he genuinely seems put out, "I'm too old anyway, he's a very lucky lad whoever he is, mind yourself". What do I do without creating bad feeling? I know he's harmless but I still don't like being left alone with him, which happens when he calls so frequently.

homemadecider

Move out of your parents house and get your own space & independence.

Esoteric_

There's very little you can do without creating bad feeling, tbh Lexie.

If your dad is ill and not willing or able to deal with the situation, what about your mother? Surely she should be agreeing that these texts are hugely inappropriate?

If your folks aren't willing to help, I'd be inclined to get him alone, and tell him that you're saving all of his texts and will be going to the police over the sexual harassment he's subjecting you to, as you already told him to stop.

It might scare him into stopping with the texts. If he has to be in your house, I'd refuse to be in the same room as him, and fcuk what your parents think about that tbh. What he's doing is creepy and plain weird. I'd stay in a different room to him, and refuse to acknowledge his presence at all.

With regards to telling him you will go to the police if he continues - if you're going to threaten this, be prepared to follow through on it.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but that's exactly what I'd do if I were in your position. Best of luck.

Esoteric_

homemadecider wrote: »

Move out of your parents house and get your own space & independence.

Not everybody is financially able to move out just because something is making them uncomfortable at home.

homemadecider

True, but at the age of 24 you should really be looking to get your own place, esp if the neighbours are giving you grief.

Esoteric_

homemadecider wrote: »

True, but at the age of 24 you should really be looking to get your own place, esp if the neighbours are giving you grief.

It's the middle of a recession. It's extremely difficult for your average 24 year old in a low paid job to afford a place, if they're lucky enough to even have a job.

homemadecider

Esoteric_ wrote: »

It's the middle of a recession. It's extremely difficult for your average 24 year old in a low paid job to afford a place, if they're lucky enough to even have a job.

I must have missed where the OP said this.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

homemadecider wrote: »

Move out of your parents house and get your own space & independence.

Thanks for the incredibly helpful post homemadecider, but I live with my father who is currently unable to look after himself as he is seriously ill.

Neyite

homemadecider wrote: »

True, but at the age of 24 you should really be looking to get your own place, esp if the neighbours are giving you grief.

But right now, she is her fathers carer. He is seriously ill so she cant move out right now. And also, she doesnt want to worry her father with this - which I cant say I blame her for.

OP, do you have a brother /cousin /uncle that would take the neighbour aside and have a quiet but firm word about boundaries?

Esoteric_

homemadecider wrote: »

I must have missed where the OP said this.

I said 'average 24 year old.' Your average 24 year old tends to be in a low paid job at the moment. Recession and all that.

Esoteric_

Apologies Lexie, I mis-read and thought you said that your mum lived at home, too. Disregard what I said about her opinion on the situation.

DeltaWhite

I was in a near similar position OP, unfortunately I still next door to this twat

My dad USED to be friendly with my neighbour until one day they had a massive falling out when a nurse had to park outside his house in an emergency to get to my mam, he couldn't get into his garden for 2 MINUTES and he kept his hand on the car horn for a good 15-30 seconds and my dad went out to apologise and he flipped at my dad. Before this all happened he was ok to talk to but now - he's not the full shilling this chap, he is quite socially inept and he is the most aggressive, threatening and abusive man I know

We live a day to day nightmare ever since, that was about 10 years ago now since he lost the plot and he hasn't gotten better!! I know your situation is different but you need to nip this in the bud - now. It is slowly but steadily getting out of control and you need to be tough and firmly snap this chap back into reality.
The falling out with my neighbour is out of control for years and we cannot do anything about it. You have the chance to sort this now. Estoric gave you great advice! Use the advice sooner rather than later.
Ps.. I'm 26 and I can't afford to move out, so not everyone is lucky enough to have their own place!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Neyite wrote: »

But right now, she is her fathers carer. He is seriously ill so she cant move out right now. And also, she doesnt want to worry her father with this - which I cant say I blame her for.

OP, do you have a brother /cousin /uncle that would take the neighbour aside and have a quiet but firm word about boundaries?

Not really, I have a brother but he wouldn't say anything to the neighbour, and don't really have any family that I am close to, that would speak to him for me.
I don't think he would pay attention to be honest, he knows I don't like him texting me stuff, I am not encouraging it at all, I ignore anything inappropriate that he says, and I've told him before don't text me things like that, but he just does anyway.

DeltaWhite

As Estoric said OP

"If your folks aren't willing to help, I'd be inclined to get him alone, and tell him that you're saving all of his texts and will be going to the police over the sexual harassment he's subjecting you to, as you already told him to stop."

I would make him squirm, I really would. I understand you might not want to approach him but a little threat to him might scare him a bit! I've done it with my neighbour and he is terrified of me but he will shout at my dad no problem - because my dad says nothing. Sometimes a little threat goes a long way!

Esoteric_

If he's not listening to you when you tell him to leave you alone, he's harassing you. He won't stop until he's made to stop, and right now he knows full well you won't take steps to stop it.

You can explain to a garda what he is doing, and generally they will phone him and give him an off record warning to stop harassing you. This should be enough to scare him, but if it's not, you'll have to go back to the police.

Lisha

I'd be very slow to talk to this guy alone op, he sounds like a total freak.
In his mind he seems to feel entitled as it has gone on so long .
I think you would be well within you rights to involve the gardai.
Maybe tell your dad you'll involve Gardai if you dad is unable to help. This might encourage your dad to talk to him. But if anything happened I'd go straight to the gardai.
No one should make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

If there is a cousin/uncle/friend who wound intervene then I would ask them.

Best of luck op

mathproblem

If you are in text contact with him i would stop just ignoring the creepy texts, some people need to be told clearly. If you just keep quiet at all his over the line comments and dodgy moves then he probably doesn't have the emotional intelligence to realise that it's uncomfortable you feel and not charmed.

You will have to get clear with him. Next time he texts something creepy spell it out to him to stop writing stuff like that, that it's inappropriate and can he not be a gentleman as an older acquaintance is expected to be to a young girl.

I'd say it would be useful to spell it out to him exactly what the relationship is and what it's supposed to be because you don't know exactly what image of it and its possibilities he might be creating in his head. Also you could start being more assertive in day to day comments with him. Try, "would you not try get a few dates with women your own age, you're starting to turn into a lecher."

I feel that this guy definitely crosses a few lines OP but I also get the feeling that you could do with becoming a bit more assertive, (maybe there's some resources in your community to work on this, a class in a local plc or something?). In the end of the day unless he breaks a law you can have very little control over his behavior except how you react to it, maybe you could do with becoming a bit more forthright, i know plenty of girls would have him cut down to the size of a pea with one little comment as soon as he crossed a boundary, if only you could bottle a bit of that for yourself i feel you could have his number pretty quickly.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Oh I'm actually pretty assertive, nearly to a fault.

Like I mentioned in the OP, as a child I would have lashed back, telling him he was ugly because he was bald ect, around the time of my junior cert when he just so happened to be outside the school after exams, and would offer me a lift home, he started texting really inappropriate stuff, now I thought he was joking so when I told him I didn't like bald men he got very offended, told me I was ungrateful and rude and he would leave me walk home in future (which I'd have been more comfortable doing anyway tbh). My parents at the time had asked him to paint the outside of our house and he had the money for buying the paint but he never came back and never painted the house and my father didnt get the cash back.

Another example was last year, I was going to pick my friend up from the airport, as I was leaving my house he was there and I was wearing a red dress and stiletto shoes, as I didnt want to go to the airport and meet my friend looking manky. He text me later that night to tell me I looked stunning and to tell me I was smoking hot in the red dress. I gave out to him the next day telling him not to say that to me because it made me uncomfortable, he got offended and said he would not compliment me anymore, but he did.

My aunt passed away in January and after the funeral I had a cold or was a bit under the weather, the neighbour said I was very pale and my dad said that no wonder I was sick as I had gone to the funeral in the freezing cold in a ridiculous dress. Later that night he started texting me saying he wished he could have seen me in the ridiculous dress.

I have just found acknowledging the texts seem to have almost encouraged him, he has been told by me to stop on many different occasions and he doesn't listen, he doesn't stop.
But, I'm finding ignoring them isn't working either. I have told him most recently I am seeing someone, so hopefully he has enough respect to leave me alone.

He is not in a relationship at the moment but for the three years he was, he still sent those kind of messages and made those comments and told me after he broke up with his ex that she was jealous of me because "she thought I had a thing for him".

My aunt has also suggested the gardai, but as my father relys on him to do a lot of physical work around the farm or the house, I don't want to rock the boat too much, as I don't want it to fall back on my dad and him be left with no help.
I guess like another poster said there's not much else I can do, apart from that. Ideally he would just stop and things could continue like normal but I doubt that's going to happen, I'm just frustrated I guess.

Lisha

Lexie while I understand that your dad depends on him tbf if my dad heard anyone talk about his daughters like that he would have lost it . (My dad has always had employees in and out of our house, no way would anything inappropriate have been tolerated either to us or to the people we worked for )

Could your aunt speak to your dad and explain that this is totally out of order. ?

Because this has gone on for so long both the Neighbour and your dad no longer see this as being inappropriate.
Obviously this is wrong but I'm not sure
How you can change such entrenched behaviors without the shock factor of involving the gardai.

If you were out in public with your dad and some yobbo shouted a sexual comment or physically grabbed you, I bet your dad would be highly disgusted and think it is totally wrong.
Just because the mentality that 'sure jimmy next door is harmless, that slagging has been going on for years' exists does not excuse 'Jimmy's' inappropuate antics

I get that you don't want to cause hassle for your dad but really he needs to help you in this situation .

You deserve better Lexie, best of luck

Cuddlesworth

You say that your dad is reliant on him to do "things" around the house, I'm assuming the usual "manly" things, like basic plumbing and electrics. This means that he has a valid reason to spend plenty of time there.

If you don't want him around the house you should remove the reliance. Tools are cheap, pure brawn is rarely required and your brain and the internet should provide everything you really need for the majority of household tasks. Get a male friend to do some lifting if its really needed. Don't play the pure damsel in distress and feel free to point out after a while about his freeloading of food. Make it obvious that you don't want or need him there.

mathproblem

Well fair play to you for having a go at him when you were younger but in the future i'd refrain from picking some aspect of him and attacking it. That's pretty petty. Why don't you attack him for what he's really doing, being an inappropriate older man, rather than some aspect of his physical appearance. Assertiveness is about identifying what you want and asking for it clearly, not about stoking up emotions in somebody to get what you want by the side door.

It just feels funny to me that you are engaged in a battle of wills with this guy over the years, like his main concern is continuing the chase for you and your main concern is him and all the little dramas over the years, this incident & that, even while he's had his GF, to the point where you are in discussion about it with your parents, brother, aunt, even telling lies(about you being in a relationship) to fend him off.

It's like he is your main game when he really should be a sideshow. You should have a template message on standby for each of his messages to auto-reply "go away creep" etc and then get back to your life of your own friendships/career/education/relationships etc.. and him just be the afterthought. But it seems that he is your main concern, like when you ward him off you are waiting for what will be said back to you or your family members as the next phase in your little drama.

Go away, get your own bf/gf, build your career, do what you wnat to do with your life, don't let him affect you. It's like he feels if he just nags, nags, nags away that he'll get somewhere, because in his head he might be saying "me thinks she doth protest too much" or something similar. Give him the amount of space he deserves in your life.. naught.

As for the assertiveness thing, you could also stand to enforce it a bit more with your dad and other family members by the looks of it.

ivytwine

Lexie, I think it's time to change your phone number. Or if you don't want to do that (I know it's a pain in the ass), get his number blocked. If he confronts you about it just say you lost your phone and had to change your number.

This guy is a creep, and the fact he thought this was ok to do to a young teenager speaks volumes.

I know your dad is stuck for work around the house, but seriously, this guy doesn't even sound like he's good at that. He let your dad down on the paint, and I bet that's not the only incident like that. Are there not other neighbours? Could you not cut the lawn yourself or get your boyfriend or an uncle or cousin to do it? Would it not be easier to get a professional tradesman to do stuff like painting? More expensive, for sure, but I expect the lovely neighbour doesn't do these things for free. And it comes with a cost; the continued harassment.

Are you in regular contact with Teagasc/IFA? Don't know a lot about it but are you entitled to any farm relief services? Can you sit down with your dad and go through the finances and see if it's possible for him to hire help on the farm, or downsize, sell any land? Even aside from the neighbour being a huge creep, how feasible is it long term for him to be a source of support to your dad?

I think your aunt is right. This guy will not back off, you know that. He feels a claim to you, and this harassment may get out of control. Like suggested above, a guard may come and have a quiet word with him; I know it seems drastic, but it can be kept quiet, and if you show them the texts I'd say they won't hesitate in helping. And possibly the embarrassment of being exposed as a perv might make him back off.

Lastly, and I hate to say this as a woman, guys like him only respect men, not women. Don't hesitate in letting him see your boyfriend. If he sees that you 'belong' to another guy (I know, I know!) he might back off....

deisemum

OP I think your aunt is right to get the gardai involved. I'm twice your age and as a teenager/young adult in the late 70's/early 80's there were a lot of dirty old men who thought it was their right to make obnoxious comments or suggestions to young girls and if you said anything to someone about it you got the "ah he's harmless" when in fact a lot of the time the dirty old feckers were far from harmless.

I think it's very telling that he used to hang around the school waiting for you and sending flowers is very concerning. If you want to put the wind up him I think if you had your aunt with you and told him if he as much as makes another inappropriate comment or text you that you'll report him to the gardai and tell him that as he was doing this to you from the age of 12 it could be seen as grooming.

up for anything

Involve the police. This man sounds like a nasty piece of work and working from my Criminal Minds education his interest in you should have waned as you grew older, instead of which it is escalating which means he is fixated on you and not young girls. Your father's judgement is clouded by his illness and his need of this man's help around the place. Can your dad afford to take on a labourer even part part-time to help out? He must be paying your neighbour something, he could use that money to put a different arrangement in place. Could your aunt not speak to your father and tell him that the neighbour's behaviour is unsupportable and should be stopped now? When you have spoken to him about it he may still see you a child and put it down to misunderstanding and over-reaction.

As some suggested change your phone number, then give your old sim to somebody else and let them read his texts to you and see how long he continues to send them after you are unable to reply. He sounds like a complete nightmare. That crack about his ex breaking up with him because she thought you had a thing for him is really telling. It is what he wants to think, not what any sane woman would have thought.

You really need to stop what is happening and the going to the guards is really the only way. Maybe ask to speak to your garda community liaison officer and ask him how you should proceed and maybe he would have a word with the neighbour. Those guards are trained to deal with delicate situations and conflict with neighbours. Keep any texts that you already have and any that you receive in the future to show you are not exaggerating. If you have a phone that records and you see him coming, shove it in your pocket and record any conversation that you have with him.

Good luck with sorting it.

ElvisChrist6

LexieOnRale wrote: »

My aunt has also suggested the gardai, but as my father relys on him to do a lot of physical work around the farm or the house, I don't want to rock the boat too much, as I don't want it to fall back on my dad and him be left with no help.
I guess like another poster said there's not much else I can do, apart from that. Ideally he would just stop and things could continue like normal but I doubt that's going to happen, I'm just frustrated I guess.

I had problems during my junior cert with a friend of mine all of a sudden texting disturbingly harrassing sexual things. Trying to be nice didn't work, he would act defensive when he thought I was annoyed, and when he asked I foolishly said I wasn't but wanted him to stop. I didn't handle it the best, so in the end the guards had to be brought in to stop it. When they gave him the warning, he acted as if none of it ever happened and, out of embarrassment, was courteous when I'd see him. Most of the time when people are confronted about being innappropriate, they do just get really embarrassed, but at the same time, this fella seems like he might not since he's so open about it, he'd probably still brush it off as a joke.

I agree with another poster who said do not stay in the same room as him, leave the room when he comes in. I know it's not fair as it's your house, not his, but it's about your safety, so you have to take care of that. Block his number too, this can be done rather easily with most network providers. There's no point ignoring them when you've seen them; at that point, the upset has been caused already, just block the number if possible.

fungun

Involving the police might be the best way to get him to stop, but I think the OP is worried about the consequences of that for her Dad.
Personally I think the threat of the police would be good, but might be best if you could position it so it did not seem like it was coming directly from you; use someone else as a scapegoat (e.g. your Aunt, a friend who is a lawyer....)

You could say you were talking to them about it and agreed that next time it happened you would go to the police; you could say they saw a text on your phone and you think they are going to the police with it....there are a few stories you could do here. Make it clear that they know that you have asked him to stop and he has not stopped and they and you consider this to be harassment. Either way, you want to directly let him know that if there is any more texts or issues, you will be going to the police....whilst trying to to make it so threatening that he cuts your Dad off from that help.

The thing is, though, Lexie - he probably helps your Dad just so he can perv on you. And if your Dad was healthy he wouldnt want this to happen, so the reason why he isnt pissed off about it is probably because he feels dependent on him.....so if there was a way to remove this dependence that could be a great help to this situation. (e.g. learn DIY, see if you can find someone else who would be willing to help out a bit etc)

Best of luck in a difficult situation

xzanti

OP I think you are making this a lot more gray than it needs to be..

Look at the facts and just go to the Gardai.. it's what they are there for.

This man is harassing you and making your life uncomfortable since you were a child.

If you're not going to move out of there, then you need to put your foot down and nip it in the.... well, full grown weed at this stage!

Best of luck!

mathproblem

Imagine going to the Guards for help dealing with a guy & then telling them that he's invited on to your property on a regular basis by your own Dad. Get real folks.

Reading the OPost in this thread i thought this guy seems pretty bad alright, total creep, even with young girls.. then you get to the bit.. "in text he's worse".. like WTF?? you are in text contact with this guy... way to send the signal that you wont stand for this type of behavior, by remaining available for constant contact.

OP needs to find a way to express to her close family members the extent to which this is affecting her and to get them on side to help deal with this guy. If you can't even find a way to convince your own immediate family of how bad it is then maybe Homemadecider's advice in post 2 might be worth serious consideration.

Remember folks when you answer this one that the question isn't "how do i get rid of this guy?".. it's how do i get this guy to stop this behaviour while still coming around all the time to do odd jobs and remaining best buds with my dad, "without creating a bad feeling", or upsetting anyone too much.

Esoteric_

mathproblem wrote: »

Imagine going to the Guards for help dealing with a guy & then telling them that he's invited on to your property on a regular basis by your own Dad. Get real folks.

Reading the OPost in this thread i thought this guy seems pretty bad alright, total creep, even with young girls.. then you get to the bit.. "in text he's worse".. like WTF?? you are in text contact with this guy... way to send the signal that you wont stand for this type of behavior, by remaining available for constant contact.

OP needs to find a way to express to her close family members the extent to which this is affecting her and to get them on side to help deal with this guy. If you can't even find a way to convince your own immediate family of how bad it is then maybe Homemadecider's advice in post 2 might be worth serious consideration.

Remember folks when you answer this one that the question isn't "how do i get rid of this guy?".. it's how do i get this guy to stop this behaviour while still coming around all the time to do odd jobs and remaining best buds with my dad, "without creating a bad feeling", or upsetting anyone too much.

Get real? Regardless of whether or not her father invites the man over, that doesn't stop it from being sexual harassment. Kids get abused by family friends that visit regularly, should they not go to the police either, because the parents invite the friends over?

She isn't asking 'how do I get this guy to leave me alone but still come over?' She's clearly upset and worried about the consequences for her dad, and wants to do things as smoothly as possible, which is why posters have given her great advice, like learning some DIY, hiring somebody as a part time labourer, etc etc.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

mathproblem wrote: »

Imagine going to the Guards for help dealing with a guy & then telling them that he's invited on to your property on a regular basis by your own Dad. Get real folks.

Reading the OPost in this thread i thought this guy seems pretty bad alright, total creep, even with young girls.. then you get to the bit.. "in text he's worse".. like WTF?? you are in text contact with this guy... way to send the signal that you wont stand for this type of behavior, by remaining available for constant contact.

OP needs to find a way to express to her close family members the extent to which this is affecting her and to get them on side to help deal with this guy. If you can't even find a way to convince your own immediate family of how bad it is then maybe Homemadecider's advice in post 2 might be worth serious consideration.

Remember folks when you answer this one that the question isn't "how do i get rid of this guy?".. it's how do i get this guy to stop this behaviour while still coming around all the time to do odd jobs and remaining best buds with my dad, "without creating a bad feeling", or upsetting anyone too much.

What's your problem? Yes he's worse in text - he says stuff in text he wouldn't say to my face. Maybe you missed the part where I said I don't acknowledge or encourage these text messages.

I have recieved great advice here from the majority of posters, but I suppose you'll always get one or two of the other sort.

Regarding DIY, there is some of it I could do myself, painting ect, but kind of difficult when it's not my house and when my father insists it be done right (ie not by me)

The creep is not here everyday, but for instance if the water pump broke or my dad needed fencing done, he would ask this guy. There is not enough work that would warrent hiring a labourer, as it's not constant work, it's just odd jobs when he's stuck and can't do it himself. He randomly calls in some evenings too, when there is nothing to be done.

Getting his number blocked and just walking out when he is here seems like a good place to start, and then maybe threathen him with the guards if he keeps it up.

mathproblem

I stand by the fact that the guards wont be interested in this from a 24 year old grown woman that cant convince her immediate family members to take it seriously enough to stop inviting him round, they will say to take other steps first like to block his number, change yours, document yourself letting him know clearly in direct terms that you don't want any contact from him(not by just slagging his appearance), stop him coming on the property etc etc & if he still persists after you have taken these obvious steps then they might take a bit of notice..

to somehow suggest that I'm saying people shouldn't report child abuse is disingenuous Esoteric and is a hairs breath away from almost being slanderous tbh... lets get something clear if OP was any family member of mine when this stuff happened at 12y/o(or any child i saw in danger for that matter) I would have taken any and all steps to get this guy as far away from her as possible, including going to the guards and possibly alot more besides.. that nobody took notice at that stage enough to run the guy off is a sad state of affairs no doubt & I've never said anything other than that he seems like a creep, just that the steps are pretty obvious to get him out of your hair at this stage, but as i said it may not be possible to do it "without creating bad feeling"

i'll just leave it at that i said what i thought & it was all with the best intention of helping you solve it regardless of whether it was what you wanted to hear or not. just another pov

Morag

It could be that as he's done work around the farm that he's hoping to marry you and get his feet under the table and take it over. I think you should tell your Dad that the man has taken a shine to you and that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Morag wrote: »

It could be that as he's done work around the farm that he's hoping to marry you and get his feet under the table and take it over. I think you should tell your Dad that the man has taken a shine to you and that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I've told my father on countless different occasions how uncomfortable he makes me feel, my dad keeps telling me he's harmless, he's doing it for a reaction, he's winding me up, he's not doing any harm, ect. My dad doesn't understand how awfully weird I feel around him.

After the text I received about the red dress last year my dad mentioned it to him in a casual way like "she wasn't impressed, she was going mad over the text" kind of way. Which is when he got insulted saying he wouldn't give me any more compliments.

He's different face to face, hell be jokey, such as if he comes in early morning and I'm up hell say stuff like "pity you're not in bed or I'd have got in beside you", or if I'm dressed anyway nice at all hell ask me if he's for his benefit.

But in text - this evening for example, unprovoked, no text to him at all I received "I'd love a romantic weekend with you" which is something he would never say to my face.

MP - I insulted his appearance as a child, not as an adult. He used to threathen to come to my school and my bus stop with flowers in front of my friends. He sent a massive bouquet of flowers to my house which was laughed off because I was so mortified.

My mother understood how he made me feel as she was also uncomfortable around him, but my mother isn't around anymore and nobody else takes it seriously.

Changing my number is not an option as I use it for free lance work at the moment and besides I like my number. I will have his number blocked

Chucky the tree

Not sure what the Gardai will say. Maybe contact a lawyer first. I mean it seems pretty strange to claim a guy who you invite onto your property and into your home home is harassing you. I'm not sure what they can do - is it against the law to talk to someone or give them compliments?

fungun

I ignore all these messages, and do not acknowledge them. I have in the past asked him to stop sending me those kind of texts and he's laughed it off saying that's the last time hell give me a compliment.

Just re-reading your post and noticed this. You in the past asked him to stop? That covers a multitude.

If you really want this to stop and have evidence on your side to back it up, then every time he texts you or makes a comment like that you need to either give him the cold shoulder or explicitly tell him to stop.

If he can defend that you have sometimes hinted that you dont like it, but other times you have blushed and dont say anything, and have accepted flowers from him before....then nothing will happen. You need to explicitly throw that shit back in his face every time he does it.

daithi1970

show some of the objectionable texts to your father and see if he still thinks yerman is still "only harmless".. also, what age is your brother?could he not help out around the house diy wise? Certainly if your father can't/won't take things seriously after seeing the text messages, its time to involve the gardai and possibly inquire into getting a restraining order against this creep.
As a last resort, get your boyfriend to put him right...
HTH
daithi

up for anything

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I've told my father on countless different occasions how uncomfortable he makes me feel, my dad keeps telling me he's harmless, he's doing it for a reaction, he's winding me up, he's not doing any harm, ect. My dad doesn't understand how awfully weird I feel around him.

You need to MAKE him understand. If he doesn't get it then it's time to forget filial affection, respect and obligation and get out of there.

After the text I received about the red dress last year my dad mentioned it to him in a casual way like "she wasn't impressed, she was going mad over the text" kind of way. Which is when he got insulted saying he wouldn't give me any more compliments.

He's different face to face, hell be jokey, such as if he comes in early morning and I'm up hell say stuff like "pity you're not in bed or I'd have got in beside you", or if I'm dressed anyway nice at all hell ask me if he's for his benefit.

I want to puke at the thoughts of this man - is he a leftover from the 70s? What age is he?

But in text - this evening for example, unprovoked, no text to him at all I received "I'd love a romantic weekend with you" which is something he would never say to my face.

Would you not show your father those type of texts? Surely he would have to pull off his blinkers and realise that they are just completely wrong and offensive. He seems to be picking this man and his own peace of mind over you.

MP - I insulted his appearance as a child, not as an adult. He used to threathen to come to my school and my bus stop with flowers in front of my friends. He sent a massive bouquet of flowers to my house which was laughed off because I was so mortified.

My mother understood how he made me feel as she was also uncomfortable around him, but my mother isn't around anymore and nobody else takes it seriously.

The fact that he made your mother uncomfortable speaks volumes. Did she never warn him off you when she was there? If possible would she not pick up the phone to him and tell him to lay off or she will contact the guards along with you.

Changing my number is not an option as I use it for free lance work at the moment and besides I like my number. I will have his number blocked

I really feel for you, OP. It's a horrible position to be in and very difficult to handle tactfully especially in view of the fact that he doesn't seem to think he is doing/saying anything wrong. If you were working with the man and he was speaking to you like that you'd have a more than cast iron case for sexual harassment but because it's in your own home and it's been going on for years there isn't really a case for him to answer unless you start building one.

Boskowski

No need for all this drastic action. You're 24 now and you should be able to take matters in your own hands and talk to this guy like an adult.

Next time such a comment arrives you'll ring him back straightaway and tell him (better even in person) 'Look, sorry if me never saying anything gave you the wrong impression, but I didn't like these comments when i was 12 and I still don't like them, quite the opposite. In fact when I'm thinking 12 I find it rather disturbing. Cut it out.'

end of

flutegirl

LexieOnRale wrote: »

He's different face to face, hell be jokey, such as if he comes in early morning and I'm up hell say stuff like "pity you're not in bed or I'd have got in beside you", or if I'm dressed anyway nice at all hell ask me if he's for his benefit.

Boskowski wrote: »

No need for all this drastic action. You're 24 now and you should be able to take matters in your own hands and talk to this guy like an adult.

Next time such a comment arrives you'll ring him back straightaway and tell him (better even in person) 'Look, sorry if me never saying anything gave you the wrong impression, but I didn't like these comments when i was 12 and I still don't like them, quite the opposite. In fact when I'm thinking 12 I find it rather disturbing. Cut it out.'

end of

If the above piece of text doesn't work, next time he says those things to you be direct, look him in the eye and tell him to cop on or **** off, respect the fact that he gets invited into your home and to stop taking advantage of the situation, you're done with his sleazy behaviour and you're not going to stand for it anymore.

Best of luck OP

Emme

OP, are you keeping a record of his texts? This would be essential to back up your claim if you did go to the Gardai.

I know this has nothing to do with your neighbour but are you going out with someone? If you are you should make this very clear to your neighbour. I know it's very hard to meet somebody in a rural area so if you're not going out with somebody your neighbour might in his delusions, think you're available. The mindset of oulfellas down the country is unbelievable but that fact that your neighbour started pestering you when you were 12 is sinister. Could he be pestering any other 12 year olds in the area?

Good luck, and hold onto any evidence you can get if you want to take this to the Gardai. I understand how difficult it would be to report someone for harrassment in a rural area but maybe a quiet word in his ear from a Garda might make your neighbour back off. If it doesn't then you have a serious problem.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Emme wrote: »

OP, are you keeping a record of his texts? This would be essential to back up your claim if you did go to the Gardai.

I know this has nothing to do with your neighbour but are you going out with someone? If you are you should make this very clear to your neighbour. I know it's very hard to meet somebody in a rural area so if you're not going out with somebody your neighbour might in his delusions, think you're available. The mindset of oulfellas down the country is unbelievable but that fact that your neighbour started pestering you when you were 12 is sinister. Could he be pestering any other 12 year olds in the area?

Good luck, and hold onto any evidence you can get if you want to take this to the Gardai. I understand how difficult it would be to report someone for harrassment in a rural area but maybe a quiet word in his ear from a Garda might make your neighbour back off. If it doesn't then you have a serious problem.

No I'm not in a relationship but I am meeting someone, casually, and this guy knows it as he was there when I came home from a weekend away, and has seen marks on my neck (I'm a classy girl ) and has slagged me relentlessly about it. I told him in the last text to him I was taken, to which he replied whoever I was with was a very lucky guy, but I know it won't deter him as he knew there was someone on the scene before I said it.

He was here yesterday evening and I was very sick in bed, so even though he called me I never got up or spoke to him. I recieved three texts so far.

Yesterday evening:

Lexi are u ok hun.will u let me know if ur

No reply, he was here early this morning and my dad told him I was ill.
Got this message after he left
Sorry ur sick .hope u feeling better soon.please mind urself.take care

Didnt reply and 3hrs later I got
Hi hope u be better soon hun.worried.take care .

Although he's been a pest since I was a young one, he's NEVER not once been physically inappropriate, and I'm worried I've portrayed him as such, as a danger to kids, as although he was creepy it was verbally.

To the poster who asked about if my mother had done anything about it - yes, she told him not to pick me up at school and she told him off about sending the flowers. My mother died a few years back so having her call him (no better woman!) isn't an option.

ibarelycare

OP have you actually showed your father the texts that this man sends you? He's the only parent in your life, you have to stop letting him brush your concerns off. Tell him you need to talk to him about something, and sit down and have a frank conversation. Tell him everything you've told us here. Show him the texts. If he still insists that the man isn't doing anything wrong then it might be time to think about trying to find your own place to live.

LegacyUser

Lexie, I'm sorry, but I think you really, really need to go to the Guards about him. And now. I'm actually shocked at the amount of people who have said things like 'they won't take you seriously' or 'you should have stopped this' - I live in rural Ireland and have had my fair share of experiences with dirty oul fellas thinking they can drop a smart, sexist, lecherous comment - believe me I know how hard it is to convince people that it really makes you uncomfortable.

But, actually, it's not the pervy comments that would worry me. It's the likes of the last three/four messages you wrote up there. His level of concern for you is worrying, to say the least. His pet names, his repeated asking if you are okay - I would go to the guards and get them to have a word. Get all the support you can from your Aunt. Block his number and do not lie and say that you lost your phone, tell him you have blocked his number because you do not want him contacting you.

I feel for you, I really do. You're going to have to be incredibly strong here and stop this, before he goes on any longer - you never know how people will react to things, he could legitimately pose a very, very serious risk to your safety. Get it sorted now. Report him.

Your father won't be happy with it, but tough, frankly.

changeling

LexieOnRale wrote: »

No I'm not in a relationship but I am meeting someone, casually, and this guy knows it as he was there when I came home from a weekend away, and has seen marks on my neck (I'm a classy girl ) and has slagged me relentlessly about it. I told him in the last text to him I was taken, to which he replied whoever I was with was a very lucky guy, but I know it won't deter him as he knew there was someone on the scene before I said it.

He was here yesterday evening and I was very sick in bed, so even though he called me I never got up or spoke to him. I recieved three texts so far.

Yesterday evening:

Lexi are u ok hun.will u let me know if ur

No reply, he was here early this morning and my dad told him I was ill.
Got this message after he left
Sorry ur sick .hope u feeling better soon.please mind urself.take care

Didnt reply and 3hrs later I got
Hi hope u be better soon hun.worried.take care .

Although he's been a pest since I was a young one, he's NEVER not once been physically inappropriate, and I'm worried I've portrayed him as such, as a danger to kids, as although he was creepy it was verbally.

To the poster who asked about if my mother had done anything about it - yes, she told him not to pick me up at school and she told him off about sending the flowers. My mother died a few years back so having her call him (no better woman!) isn't an option.

I thought you said earlier you were going to block his number??

car.kar

I'm shocked that your Dad is brushing this off. My Dad has terrible arthritis, walks with a crutch, and is going for surgery in a few weeks and he'd still hit the roof and hobble straight over to the neighbour's and try and deck him in the face with his walking stick.

Have you shown your Dad these texts? The romantic weekend one in particular is really creepy, surely he can't brush that off as harmless. And the volume of them - three within the space of a few hours?

If this has been going on since you were twelve and nothing you've said has deterred him, I think it's unlikely that he'll stop texting at this stage. If you're insistent on not causing upset for your Dad - even though your Dad is unfairly disregarding how upset this makes you - then really the only thing you can do is have your phone network block his number, or just stop replying to his texts completely, not even to tell him to stop. Just completely 100% ignore him. Do your absolute best to avoid him if he's in the house - like staying in your room as you did. Don't speak to him at all if possible, just give one word answers if he tries to talk to you when he's in the house. Hopefully he'll at least stop being so frequent if he's not getting any kind of response.

a posse ad esse

car.kar wrote: »

I'm shocked that your Dad is brushing this off. My Dad has terrible arthritis, walks with a crutch, and is going for surgery in a few weeks and he'd still hit the roof and hobble straight over to the neighbour's and try and deck him in the face with his walking stick.

Have you shown your Dad these texts? The romantic weekend one in particular is really creepy, surely he can't brush that off as harmless. And the volume of them - three within the space of a few hours?

If this has been going on since you were twelve and nothing you've said has deterred him, I think it's unlikely that he'll stop texting at this stage. If you're insistent on not causing upset for your Dad - even though your Dad is unfairly disregarding how upset this makes you - then really the only thing you can do is have your phone network block his number, or just stop replying to his texts completely, not even to tell him to stop. Just completely 100% ignore him. Do your absolute best to avoid him if he's in the house - like staying in your room as you did. Don't speak to him at all if possible, just give one word answers if he tries to talk to you when he's in the house. Hopefully he'll at least stop being so frequent if he's not getting any kind of response.

You've told the neighbour numerous times that you don't like it and he is not listening. I agree with the above post. More than likely he is not going to change. You can either ignore him entirely by blocking his number and avoiding him altogether or contact the guards because unfortunately, your father and brother are not going to do anything about it.

I cannot say if this man is a danger to your safety (or others) as this has been going on for a very long time and he has not physically harmed you other than make you feel uncomfortable.

I had an old neighbour who made innappropriate comments when I was younger. He would comment on my body as I developed rather young and he even went as far as asking for a kiss. I told him no straight away and since that incident I ignored him and would always made sure to never be alone with that man (he is dead now, thankfully). I never did tell my parents, not because I don't think they would believe me or dismiss him. I also didn't tell my brothers as they would have told my father immediately. Knowing my father he would have probably beaten the living sh*t out of him. Still to this day, regardless of what my father's reaction would have been, I wish I did tell him. I have these thoughts lurking on the back of my mind about that creep and what he may have tried on other less fortunate girls.