How to treat friends after nasty rumours about my sister.

Esoteric_

I'll try to keep this brief!

My two closest friends, Marie and Garreth (not real names), have been telling me some disgusting lies about my younger sister, things I know for a fact to be lies.

Basically, they've accused my sister of giving oral sex to a bouncer in a nightclub on my birthday, at the entrance, in front of everyone. I know for 100% fact that this is a lie. I'm not going to identify the people involved by saying how I know, but I know, there is no disputing the fact that it's simply not true.

Marie says that Garreth saw it, and she 'knows for a fact' that it's true. I pointed out that Garreth lies all the time, but she said she has her reasons for believing him this time. Since Marie is actually invited to my younger sister's 21st, I spoke to my sister about it, because I don't want Marie getting drunk and spouting those lies out to my family.

My sister lost the plot, and sent Marie a very nasty Facebook message and voicemail, telling her exactly what she thinks of her.

I warned Marie that I had told my sister. she then spent the night sending me texts full of ':(' faces, trying to get me to feel sorry for her.

I'm not sorry for her, I'm fcuking fuming with her! What she said about my sister was fcuking disgusting and is simply not true. This isn't blind sisterly affection, I know for a fact that it's untrue, and I told Marie straight out that I don't believe a word of it, and proved her wrong, but she still insists she's right.

So, the thing is - do I bother to continue this friendship with Marie and Garreth? I've been very close to them for years, but frankly I'm appalled at what they've said about my sister. My parents have said neither of them are welcome in the home again (my sister told them what they said).

So, do I just cut contact? Do I continue the friendship but distance myself a good bit, or do I call her out on what she said, and tell her that I completely understand why my sister sent her nasty messages, after what she said? The 'feel sorry for me' texts are doing my head in, so I stopped responding.

Ultimately, my sister is more important to me than any friend. My sister has been there for me through hell and back, and means more to me than any other family or friend that I have, so I will choose her if I have to. I'm just unsure what to do. Cheers guys.

Big Bag of Chips

Marie saw nothing.. she's just repeating what Garreth said HE saw. Tell her to stop contacting you, and when she realises she was wrong your family will be waiting for an apology.

Then find Garreth.

Meauldsegosha

Have you asked Garreth why he is saying these nasty things?

Janedoe10

I think u already know the answer to this . Gossip is always nasty and u are receiving it after the "deed" is done . What ever happened that night , it's really do u trust your sis or believe some one who is just stirring up trouble for your family .
Good luck on what ever you decide .

Esoteric_

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Marie saw nothing.. she's just repeating what Gareth said HE saw. Tell her to stop contacting you, and when she realises she was wrong your family will be waiting for an apology.

Then find Gareth.

Sorry, I forgot to mention - I texted Garreth, because I wanted what was said in writing, so they couldn't accuse me of lying when my sister found out. Garreth confirmed everything Marie said, through text, which my sister has seen.

Marie is insisting it's true and that she 'has her reasons' for believing Garreth.

This isn't the first time they've bad-mouthed her either. They've called her 'vulgar' and 'slutty' a few times, when she's quite honestly very far from both of those monikers.

Telling her to stop contacting me until she realises she was wrong sounds like a good idea. I was unsure which way to go with things, but that opinion helps. Thanks BBOC.

username123

Im kind of failing to see the context here. Were they telling you in a "she is awful, give out to her" way or a "she is awful, im morto for you being her sister" or "thats awful for her, look after her" or what?

Your whole tone with the "disgusting lies" is an indication that you have taken massive offence and are probably over reacting.

Try to step outside it for a second, 2 friends said something that they think is true and you think is untrue. Unless you were to see it (or not) the only people who know its true or not is your sister and the bouncer.

Why would your friends say this about your sister? Why did you tell your sister what they said - thats just spreading the virus. Now your sisters has told your parents etc... it should have stopped with you.

As context is not clear I dont know if your friends thought they were doing you a good turn or a bad turn (trying to protect your sister?).

I would suggest you rein in your own reactions despite being very angry, because you have helped make it an even bigger deal by your own behaviour.

Esoteric_

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Have you asked Garreth why he is saying these nasty things?

Yes, I have. He said he's saying it because it's true and I deserve to know.

If that were the case, I don't see why he'd wait until a month and a half after my birthday party to tell me, considering I see him at least once a week!

Goat the dote

I think you know the answer yourself about the future status of these "friendships".
How awful for your sis

username123

Esoteric_ wrote: »

This isn't the first time they've bad-mouthed her either. They've called her 'vulgar' and 'slutty' a few times, when she's quite honestly very far from both of those monikers.

Ah. This changes things. You dont need this in your life. Tell them where to stick it and choose your friends more carefully because people will judge you based on who you are with and you wouldnt want to be associated with nasty eejits who go on like this.

Esoteric_

username123 wrote: »

Im kind of failing to see the context here. Were they telling you in a "she is awful, give out to her" way or a "she is awful, im morto for you being her sister" or "thats awful for her, look after her" or what?

Your whole tone with the "disgusting lies" is an indication that you have taken massive offence and are probably over reacting.

Try to step outside it for a second, 2 friends said something that they think is true and you think is untrue. Unless you were to see it (or not) the only people who know its true or not is your sister and the bouncer.

Why would your friends say this about your sister? Why did you tell your sister what they said - thats just spreading the virus. Now your sisters has told your parents etc... it should have stopped with you.

As context is not clear I dont know if your friends thought they were doing you a good turn or a bad turn (trying to protect your sister?).

I would suggest you rein in your own reactions despite being very angry, because you have helped make it an even bigger deal by your own behaviour.

They were saying it in a way that implied she was a slut. Actually, the word slut was thrown out a few times with regards to her. I know it's not true because, among other things, my sister didn't leave my side all night, and the time they are claiming she was doing it (as the place was closing), she was actually in the bathroom with me, chatting to another friend, while they were outside smoking. I have other reasons for knowing it's not true, but they're private and personal to my sister, and I'm not going to disclose them here. Suffice to say, I was with her in a whole other area, at the time they said she was doing it.

I told my sister what they said because this is not the first time they've said nasty things about her, nor the second, but it's by far the worst thing they have said. Aside from this, as Marie is invited to my sister's 21st, and is mouthy when she's had a drink, I don't want her having to opportunity to tell my extended family these things.

I don't think I have made it a bigger deal than it was. I'm trying to prevent my friend from having the opportunity to tell my family these lies, because based on things she has said about me in front of family and friends at previous parties, I wouldn't put it past her when she's drinking.

username123

Esoteric_ wrote: »

I don't think I have made it a bigger deal than it was. I'm trying to prevent my friend from having the opportunity to tell my family these lies, because based on things she has said about me in front of family and friends at previous parties, I wouldn't put it past her when she's drinking.

I realise it is a big deal to you but you passing it on caused her to pass it on, caused facebook messages etc... Do you not see how all that kind of angry buzzing just inflames everything and meanwhile the social media and phone networks are delighted with all the action?

Given what you posted since - ditch them.

Big Bag of Chips

Esoteric_ wrote: »

based on things she has said about me in front of family and friends at previous parties, I wouldn't put it past her when she's drinking.

Why are you even asking what to do here? Why are you struggling with whether you should be friends with these people or not?

What good do they possibly add to your life that outweighs the bad they bring?

I just don't get why you even have to ask, to be honest..... Sorry!

Esoteric_

username123 wrote: »

I realise it is a big deal to you but you passing it on caused her to pass it on, caused facebook messages etc... Do you not see how all that kind of angry buzzing just inflames everything and meanwhile the social media and phone networks are delighted with all the action?

Given what you posted since - ditch them.

I do definitely agree with that. I'd rather not have felt the need to tell her. If Marie weren't invited to her 21st, I wouldn't have told her, but I could hardly tell Marie she wasn't invited anymore by myself, as she'd have texted my sister to ask about it. I really appreciate your input, though, even if it seems as though I'm disagreeing with everything you're saying! I'm taking it all in, and thank you.

Esoteric_

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why are you even asking what to do here? Why are you struggling with whether you should be friends with these people or not?

What good do they possibly add to your life that outweighs the bad they bring?

I just don't get why you even have to ask, to be honest..... Sorry!

No need to say sorry. :pac:

Obviously I'm not painting a good picture of them because I'm fuming with them, but they're also both generous, funny, kind, sweet, supportive and have got numerous good qualities. I suppose the bad is outweighing the good now though, so I suppose this thread is basically to give me a kick up the arse tbh!

Dee01

Why is Marie still invited to the 21st??.

You are 100% sure it didn't happen. I believe it didn't happen cos if I did something I was mortified about and I heard people were talking about it, the last place I would go would be to fill my parents in on it. Even if I was denying.

My opinion, ditch the twin of them. They're not friends if they are passing on horrible rumors.

Esoteric_

Dee01 wrote: »

Why is Marie still invited to the 21st??.

You are 100% sure it didn't happen. I believe it didn't happen cos if I did something I was mortified about and I heard people were talking about it, the last place I would go would be to fill my parents in on it. Even if I was denying.

My opinion, ditch the twin of them. They're not friends if they are passing on horrible rumors.

She's not. The invite was taken back in the messages my sister sent to her.

I suppose that's my answer so. Everyone seems to be in agreement on this.

Needed a kick up the arse tbh, so thanks guys. It's hard to just ditch such long friendships, but needs must.

Thanks again everyone. If you don't mind mods, I'd like this to be kept open, purely to see if I get any opposing opinions to the ones already posted.

username123

I wouldnt go for a big dramatic statement ditching of them either - simply delete phone numbers, emails, social media etc and then do not respond to either of them again.

No point in more drama - theyll get the message. Silence is more cutting than any other action.

Esoteric_

username123 wrote: »

I wouldnt go for a big dramatic statement ditching of them either - simply delete phone numbers, emails, social media etc and then do not respond to either of them again.

No point in more drama - theyll get the message. Silence is more cutting than any other action.

Oh God yeah, I wouldn't be even thinking of announcing that I don't want to see them again. :pac: It'd be more a case of just ignoring them completely.

Dee01

Good luck OP, I'm sure you have lots of better people around you.

Meauldsegosha

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Yes, I have. He said he's saying it because it's true and I deserve to know.

If that were the case, I don't see why he'd wait until a month and a half after my birthday party to tell me, considering I see him at least once a week!

He sounds nasty and immature. People who start rumours are lacking domething in their lives so the spread rumours to be the centre of attention. Better off away from him and Marie.

Taltos

One thing to consider is if they are saying this to more than you your sister may want to consider legal action...
I know it might seem an over-reaction but depending on where you are living all you might have is your name, personally someone starts spreading lies about me I know they would be the last lies they spread... Would be too costly for them to ever speak again.

Esoteric_

Taltos wrote: »

One thing to consider is if they are saying this to more than you your sister may want to consider legal action...
I know it might seem an over-reaction but depending on where you are living all you might have is your name, personally someone starts spreading lies about me I know they would be the last lies they spread... Would be too costly for them to ever speak again.

Thankfully, I live in Dublin, and they don't know anybody who knows my sister, aside from me of course, so the rumours won't get back to my area, unless Marie were to have gone to my sister's birthday and spread them to other people there.

Stavro Mueller

Taltos wrote: »

One thing to consider is if they are saying this to more than you your sister may want to consider legal action...
I know it might seem an over-reaction but depending on where you are living all you might have is your name, personally someone starts spreading lies about me I know they would be the last lies they spread... Would be too costly for them to ever speak again.

A shot across their bows wouldn't do any harm either with regards to yourself. I accept that these are paranoid ramblings but can you be sure this pair won't start bad-mouthing you next?

Esoteric_

cymbaline wrote: »

A shot across their bows wouldn't do any harm either with regards to yourself. I accept that these are paranoid ramblings but can you be sure this pair won't start bad-mouthing you next?

One of them has bad-mouthed me upon occasion to my face, while drunk, so tbh no, I wouldn't put it past them, unfortunately.

Ceiteach

Have they told other people about this too? I think that's an important consideration and will provide some insight into their intentions.

Whether it's true or not, your sister is an adult and essentially, it's none of their business and perhaps they need reminding of this. To be honest, it's weird that they've invested so much thought into the whole situation.

Marie sounds a little unsettled to be honest, is this someone you really want around anyway?

kylith

I would recommend saying something like 'I'm sorry, I don't associate with people who spread malicious lies. Don't contact me again. Goodbye'. Then go and make friends with some decent people.

daithi1970

Keep a record of all possibly actionable texts, facebook posts ,etc just in case of legal issues.

daithi

Esoteric_

I've decided what to do, mainly thanks to the input from all of you here.

I have to meet up with the girl, because I have some of her belongings and don't know her exact address (and I doubt she'd give it to me if she has any inclination that I want to cut contact).

So, I'm going to arrange to see her sometime over the next week. I'm going to give her her belongings and see what she has to say. She would be the type to bring up the incident before I've had a chance to say anything. So, I'll listen to what she has to say, then tell her that I'm disgusted by her behaviour, and I'll head home.

After that, I'm going to just block her and the guy's number, delete them from Facebook, and move on. I'm upset by it because they've been my closest friends for years, but I have many other, better friends, so moving on will be easy, it's not like I'll be sitting in, friendless. :pac:

Told my sister my decision and she said that she has no issue with me staying friends with them, but she did thank me for defending her.

So, I guess that's my decision made. Thanks again for all of the advice, I appreciate every post made. This thread can be locked now, mods. I'll report it so that ye know.