mum in law knew about my wifes affair

LegacyUser

my wife told me 2 weeks ago that she has been seeing someone else for 7 months. i was and am devastated. she seemed to delight in telling me all the graphic details of their wonderful sex life and how he satisifed her in a way i never had. i cant begin to put down in words how i feel. i loved her with all my heart, would do anything for her,my biggest joy in life was waking up next to her every morning and coming home to her every evening. seeing / making her smile and be happy was my biggest joy. no im not a saint. i have a million regrets.
but im absolutely destroyed by this betrayal. i dont know why this has also stuck in the knife in more but i found out today that she had confided in her mum about the affair and basically she told her to do whatever makes her happy. i have the utmost respect fpor this lady and i cannot believe she didnt consider letting me know. i am just a person, just one person who is now seriously struggling with the fact that the person i have loved most in my life has done something that she knew would destroy me. i am so angry but am also really hurt that her mum didnt even think that i was worth the contact. im a pretty strong person but im in pieces now. i have always believed that giving my love to someone was worth the risk of losing their love. but this is a headfeck too far.

ABajaninCork

Oh gosh, what an awful thing to happen. To tell you all the juicy details smacks of a thoroughly nasty, bitter and twisted person. Something similar happened to me many years ago. But it wasn't an in-law who knew and didn't tell. It was my own FATHER!!!! :eek: Leave your mother-in-law out of it. When the chips are down, 90% of the time relatives will support each other. You cannot expect the same consideration, I'm afraid.

But getting back to you. Did you get any indication that things weren't right? Did your wife tell you after you found out or did she tell you out of the blue (maybe after an argument)? It sounds to me like your wife thinks the marriage is over. All the nasty things she said don't sound like someone who regrets what's happened and wants to put things right if I'm honest. Is your marriage over? Does your wife still want to make a go of things?? Only you two can answer that.

Right now, you need to look after YOU. I think some counselling to sort out your feelings might be in order. Eat properly, try to sleep properly.

If the marriage is truly over, then get legal advice ASAP, especially if there are children and property involved. You need to start looking after your OWN interests now.

I wish you lots of luck.

banie01

I'm so sorry for your situation, its never easy when a relationship breaks down!
Especially when you are the last to know.

What you need to focus on is looking after yourself and dealing with the fallout of your wife's infidelity.
The way you describe your wife's delight in her telling you, I'm sorry that must have hurt, but it shows how little respect she has for you or ye're marriage.
It was over long ago in her head.

Being shocked or surprised or betrayed at the fact your M.I.L knew about the affair is in my opinion, a pointless exercise!
She knew, yes!
Your wife confided in the person she trusted most in the world...
Your wife committed infidelity and betrayed her marriage vows.
Not your M.I.L!

Your M.I.L gave your wife advice, and kept her confidence....
You are upset because she didn't tell you.
Here's the thing though, no matter how close ye're relationship is....
She's not your mother!

Her priority(and most parents) is to be sure her child is happy, is pursuing a path that will lead them to happiness in their life and in their relationships.
You, no matter how much respect you may have for your M.I.L were not her priority in this.
She went to her Mother, probably describing how happy this new man was making her, and her Mother has taken the view that well, if the marriage is over.
Get out of it with the minimum collateral damage and follow her heart to be happy.
Unfortunately OP
You are the collateral damage, and that sucks!

Being mad at your Mother in Law for keeping her daughters confidence is a waste of energy, it is the same step many parents would take in a similar situation.
But when relationships breakdown, when we are the last to know, It is all too often a fact that we look for others to share the blame and ask why didn't you tell me!

The fact is, You are not your M.I.Ls priority in the break up of the relationship and her focus is on her daughter.

I hope you can stay strong through this situation, and no matter how dark it seems now it will get better!
Stay strong

um7y1h83ge06nx

No advice, just a post to say I sympathize with your sh*tty situation. Best of luck getting through this.

Sleepy

Time to protect yourself OP: go see a solicitor who specialises in family law immediately.

username123

Forget about the mother in law. Thats irrelevant. And "do what makes you happy" is a standard line - so what? It really doesnt matter if the mother in law told her to go ride everyone she bumps into or to never touch anyone except you - its only words - it doesnt matter. What matters is what your wife has done.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I concur with Sleepy above - see a solicitor immediately.

DazMarz

A dirty trick here: go see all of the best family law solicitors in your area for a consultation NOW. Then, if the worst happens, none of them will be able to represent your wife as you've already consulted with them. Conflict of interest and ethics.

Not nice, but a good tactic if you need it.

LegacyUser

Many many thanks for all the replies. i suppose i really am just feeling so angry with my mil t cover up my anger with myself. i just cant face the reality yet that this incredible person who i love so much has smashed everything to pieces. everything that was beautiful and special about us is now just dust. all our dreams and plans for our future destroyed. i can handle her chnaging or not being in love with me anymore or wanting something else but it is her absolute lack of respect or regard for me that has ripped me to shreds.
on the practical side, we dont have kids. we had been trying but hadnt happened for us yet. every one keeps saying that at least there were no kids involved and i know i should be grateful not to have kids being part of a messed up situation, but it was part of "our plan" and like a lot of other stuff its very difficult for me to now realise that having children with my beautiful girl is not going to happen.
i have moved out of the house. i will have to sort out the practicalities of mortgage etc at some stage but my head is not there now.
yes my marriage is over. have been out all day cycling saying this over and over again, with tears mixed with lots of rain running down my face. im in my worst nightmare and everytime i do manage to get asleep for an hour or two i wake up and realise after a few seconds that this is my reality.

homemadecider

DazMarz wrote: »

A dirty trick here: go see all of the best family law solicitors in your area for a consultation NOW. Then, if the worst happens, none of them will be able to represent your wife as you've already consulted with them. Conflict of interest and ethics.

Not nice, but a good tactic if you need it.

Think you might have been watching too much tv. Each consultation will cost hundreds of Euro - considering there are so many solicitors in Ireland this is a ridiculous proposal.

Ann22

Jesus op, what a ****ty thing to happen. Just focus on getting through one day at a time. This really isn't the end of the world pet, things will get better.

ABajaninCork

OP. I am so very sorry for you feeling this way. It's not nice. If your wife had stabbed you, it wouldn't have hurt any more.

Like I say, you've GOT to look after yourself now in every way possible. I know it's hard, but it's imperative the mortgage is sorted ASAP. If your wife decides to stop paying for whatever reason, then the bank will come after you. Maybe you can write a registered letter to your wife setting out your plans and asking her what hers are. It's probably best you don't speak at this stage.

I assume neither of your are able to buy the other out? If that's the case, then put the house up for sale. Is your wife still living there?

DazMarz

homemadecider wrote: »

Think you might have been watching too much tv. Each consultation will cost hundreds of Euro - considering there are so many solicitors in Ireland this is a ridiculous proposal.

Not a full consultation, just have your name with them as a potential client.

And not every solicitor in Ireland. I said the ones IN YOUR AREA.

Read through the post before replying, maybe?

jdsk2006

Janey mackers op, what a gut wrenching discovery. I totally understand why you are so hurt right now. IMO betrayal from any angle in ones life is difficult to swallow, much more when the betrayal is from the person you share your life with.....that truly cuts deep.
unfortunately your on a voyage of discovery regarding the genuine and loyal people in your life, accepting your new reality will take lots pf time and patience with yourself and there is no way to skip that process unfortunately. Be as kind tp yourself as you can

johnolocher

I won't give advice on your emotional issues but I will say protect yourself financially. If you have joint accounts make sure you remove half and don't get screwed. Sort your mortgage ASAP, if neither if you want the house then sell it. I appreciate this may be difficult if you are a victim of negative equity, but half of that house (and debt) is yours, don't let her rip you off, I know you love this woman but she sounds heartless and I have seen too many men screwed financially. You need to put that in order so that when you are ready to move on emotionally you are in the best shape financially to move forward.

Good luck.

wallycharlo

tornapart wrote: »

...she had confided in her mum about the affair and basically she told her to do whatever makes her happy. i have the utmost respect fpor this lady and i cannot believe she didnt consider letting me know....

Blood will always be thicker than water with the majority of people OP.

Chin-up and good luck.

wallycharlo

DazMarz wrote: »

A dirty trick here: go see all of the best family law solicitors in your area for a consultation NOW. Then, if the worst happens, none of them will be able to represent your wife as you've already consulted with them. Conflict of interest and ethics.

Not nice, but a good tactic if you need it.

Unless you are Tony Soprano then this may not be such a great idea, it will incur high costs and also not be practical.

Lorna123

This is an awful situation to be in OP. Don't blame your MIL too much though because she probably kept quiet just in case her daughter came to her senses and realized that she wanted to stick with you. She didn't want to muddy the waters by telling you in case you would flip your lid and throw her out and then there would be no chance of reconciliation. So she decided to say nothing hoping that things would be resolved.

Things will look different for your wife now that you are gone and who knows this new relationship might just fall apart. It was fun and dangerous for her while she was still with you but now that everything is out in the open the gloss might wear off.

You still have to go through all of this pain and that isn't easy but you are going through the worst of it right now and things will get better as time goes by. Your wife isn't what you thought she was and that is very disappointing but what good is she to you now that you know what she is really like. She is not someone who would make you happy anymore so no point in crying over someone like her. It is hard to have to face a new life but that is what you have to do. I wish you all the luck in the world.