Fresh Break Up & when to move on?

LegacyUser

I broke up with my Long Distance girlfriend over the weekend. It was the most serious relationship of my life (I'm 28) and I still love her. The last few weeks have been tough, as she has accepted a place in a course, which meant pursuing the LDR was unrealistic. She wasn't sure how she felt and we agreed the best thing to do was to end it. Naturally, I'm upset about it, but think I'm dealing with it ok. I'd been preparing myself for this outcome for a couple of weeks, it ended on good terms and I've no regrets. But still there is a feeling that there is something missing now, like a void.

I'm determined not to wallow, items that remind me of her have been put in a drawer (not smashed to pieces in the bin) and I am looking forward rather than backwards. My mates are telling me they will bring me out "on the pull" next weekend, but at the moment I have no real desire for that.

I had been single for quite a while before I met my ex and can say that it was first real love. I liked it and the idea of going back into the scene of chatting up girls, no strings action etc doesn't appeal to me.

However, a couple of months back I met some friends that I hadn't seen in quite a while. One "friend" was a girl who had always been more than just a friend, except that she had always been in a relationship, except for one brief period when we hooked up one night years and years ago. Anyway, she is single now and after a few drinks we talked about the what-ifs etc and she more or less said it was a pity that I now had girlfriend. Maybe it was the drink talking, but she texted the next day apologising for putting me in that situation and she could see that I was happy.

Now since I have broken up I am thinking about her a lot. Even in the lead to the break up she has been in the back of my mind, which I feel a bit guilty about. I know it is too soon to go down that road, I am still grieving for my last relationship. But before my previous gf, this girl would have been the most special girl to me, I always thought of her as "the one that got away". What I am trying to say is, that she wouldn't be some sort of rebound.

I guess what I am wondering is how long do I leave it? I'm pretty certain she is still single, but am afraid if I wait too long she won't be any more. At the same time, I am conscious of the fact that if I jump in too early, while my head is not right I might ruin any sort of chance.

Any advice/similar experiences?

Cheers

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your break up it is especially tough when you split up for no other reason than circumstance.

My view would be that even if you say it's not a rebound, it still is. You seem to be more inclined towards relationships than the single life, so I would see this as just jumping from one to the other.

I think that if you still love your girlfriend, you should allow yourself time to heal from the break down of that relationship. That doesn't mean going out on the pull if you don't want to, but more allowing yourself time to lick your wounds. Plus, I don't think it's fair getting involved with someone else if you still love your ex.

You seem like a really decent guy and I don't think you'll have any trouble meeting someone when the time is right, there's loads of girls looking for a good guy.

That's my 2 cents anyway.

Edit- as for how long you take, as long as you need is the answer. When you're over your ex and feel ready to move on to someone else.

car.kar

Newlysinglelad wrote: »

But still there is a feeling that there is something missing now, like a void.

You're missing the relationship, and from an outsider's point of view it looks like you want to jump from one to the other. Being on your own again can be incredibly daunting at first, but you need to give yourself some time and breathing space before you start dating again. I know you say you've been preparing yourself for the break up for a few weeks, but technically you've only been broken up for one day! It wouldn't be fair on the other girl to try and start something with her before you're fully over your ex.

Lorna123

You could make it your business to be in the company of this other girl OP and see how she is fixed now without actually dating her for a while. Personally I see no harm in getting to know someone new immediately after a break up if it helps to get over it. I can't see how it is unfair on the new girl if she knows that you are not long out of a relationship. She will take this into consideration as she gets to know you. You could get to like her more than the ex, who knows, but you will never know if you don't try. What's the point in moping around waiting for a few months to pass when you know now that you like her and that if you don't move she could be taken by the time society gives you permission to move on.

beks101

No matter what went on with this other girl before your most recent relationship, she still is the "other girl" right now.

Not to say that it wouldn't work, but in your head she'd probably replace the one you just broke up with and distract from whatever grieving you need to do from that relationship. In technical terms - yes, a rebound.

Give yourself time to get used to your own company again. When you're newly single the loneliness can be a bit tough/weird to get used to - not having someone to do all that couply stuff with - and the danger is you'd be jumping into something new with this girl to avoid all that as much as you would because you have feelings for her.

Deal with your break up, wait for the heightened emotions to pass, and then see how you feel about her.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Leave it a couple of months at a minimum.

Imagine the scenario, 4 weeks after your break-up your ex turns up at your door-step and says she misses you badly and she has decided to give it all up an move to be closer to where your live/work.

Or vice-versa, if you realize you cannot live without her....

Improbably I know, but jumping int another relationship quickly does complicate matters, sometime for the good,sometimes for the bad. Waiting a "respectful" time, gives you the opportunity to get your head straight and move on to a new relationship in a healthy frame of mind.

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for the replies folks.

You all talk sense and it is the advice that I would probably give.

I do feel like most of the grieving for the relationship has been done in the weeks leading up to the break up. It was becoming more and more clear that it wasn't going to work and she put distance between us because of it. It's been over 5 weeks since I last saw my ex and in that time it gradually began to feel that I was no longer in a relationship. It was a horrible process, but there is almost a sense of relief now that it is finished. That said it was pretty upsetting saying goodbye etc. So, ye, my emotions might be a bit all over the place at the moment, but the point I'm making that I feel that things are looking up now.

I'm not planning on jumping straight into another relationship. I know that wouldn't be fair on either of us. But I had thought that maybe in a few weeks I might throw her a text, telling her my news and possibly suggesting to meet up for a casual chat. I don't think this would be the worst thing. I think we would both be mature enough to realise that it wouldn't be the best thing to move too fast, but at least by doing this she knows I am interested as soon as I am ready to move on. The biggest fear I have now is that I wait an "acceptable" amount of time and then she has started seeing someone else.

As an aside, I do feel that having this girl as a possibility and just by thinking about it, has been helpful. Even if nothing comes of it, I have realised quite soon after my break up that there is "plenty more fish in the sea" ! A month or so ago, when the possibility of things with my ex not working out reared its head, it did seem like the end of the world, but I'm definitely past that type of thinking.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks. You speak a lot of sense and is the advice that I think I would give.

I guess I will take a couple of weeks to myself, get used to the idea of my ex not being in my life. It is a weird feeling knowing that I will probably never see her again.

I am thinking in a couple of weeks I will tell this girl my news, we still talk occasionally. Maybe even suggest meeting up for a chat. I don't think that would do any harm. We could see how we both feel and take it from there.

As an aside, no matter what happens with this girl, I have felt like thinking about her and what to do has been very helpful in making me realise I can move on. I think the fact that it is nearly 6 weeks since I've seen my ex and it was that last time that the possibility of things not working out reared its head, also has meant the break up itself wasn't too traumatic. The weeks leading up to it was where most of the hurt was.