Not sure where to begin

LegacyUser

I dont know where to start, having problems with my wife.
She refuses to talk about things, so if something bothers her, she gets really annoyed, and on some occasions starts screaming, I have asked her not to do this as it sounds like someone is being murdered (this is not a joke) and I am worried people will think I am assaulting her. Previously when she has cooled down, after a few days she may approach me but there will be no apology or no acknowledgement that anything happened or how to fix it.
She has begun to be very distant to me and I am suspicious of this sudden increase in almost passive hostility, by refusing to speak to me, she recently threatened me that she pays the bills (I am unemployed and look after our children) and if I want that to continue then I should just stay away from her. She also blames me for her being the way she is, but I have no control over her actions? I have been threatened that she would leave and take our children.
I am annoyed at her as she has even said she regrets marrying me, before we married I had become unemployed and plans were already in place, I even went as far as to ask if she wanted to proceed as she would be supporting the family and that it would be a lot of money we might need, we ended uo spending my savings and building up a debt which I was concerned about, she assured me that she did want it so I felt comfortable that I had asked her.
Recently we had an argument where she blamed me for something outside my control, she stormed off, although I knew she could be this way, mostly it has worsened since the end of January, my suspicions had been raised, so when she stormed off she left her phone, I know its wrong but I had a look, she had a few texts to some guy from work saying I was arguing with her and we had a big barney, she is always on facebook and texting people which I dont understand as we hardly seem to have a conversation.
I cant understand why she is texting this person, private stuff when she wont even talk about problems to me.
I feel trapped and while I love my children, I feel she has used them and that she is the sole bread winner as a tool to trap and control me, I now have no way out, I feel she wants me out of the way and is pushing my buttons to make me do it, rather than her demand I leave as people know I wouldnt want to.if I were to leave I probably would not have access to my children or would end up in some bedsit dump or maybe a hostel. I dont think she has cheated, but I think she is playing a dangerous self indulgent game.
The thing is, she acts happy, cheery and pleasant around other people and wouldnt dream of telling them there is a problem and in fact makes out everything is great.

It is upsetting for me, especially as she blames me for feeling awful enough to behave this way, but then refuses to talk about it. I dont know what to do.

jdsk2006

Your wife is mentally and emotionally abusive op. Her treatment towards you is appauling. There seems to be a massive imbalance of "power" for the want of a better word here......

username123

Is there anywhere you could go and stay for a few days? Family, your parents, a brother or sister, a good friend - anyone?

I think you need to get out of the situation you are in to gain some perspective. You sound totally defeated, as though you are trapped - but all you are trapped in is a crappy marriage where your wife is abusing you - you can leave that.

You dont have to end up in a hostel or whatever - stop minding the children and look for a job? Speak to a solicitor? Speak to citizens info regarding what your entitlements would be if you left your wife.

Speak to a support group - someone else here will be able to supply the name of a mans support group for you. (or google).

You dont have to stay in this situation.

ABajaninCork

Amen might be a good place to start.

LegacyUser

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Your wife is mentally and emotionally abusive op. Her treatment towards you is appauling. There seems to be a massive imbalance of "power" for the want of a better word here......

Its possible there is, I didnt think before that she would use me not being in employment as a reason against me for an argument or to try control things, Im not sure if this is what the case is or if she is just having a tough time herself as she refuses to talk about anything, so if there was a problem at work or something else I wouldnt know, and I wonder is that when I find out about it when she gets annoyed at me.

it was decided as there were not jobs around, it would be pointless for me to get a job as it would entail a lot of cost for childcare and I as the likely lower earner would be working merely to pay for childcare. I feel now that she kind of resents me and sees me as not contributing, although i have probably saved us a small fortune doing the childcare and doing things around the home that we otherwise would have to pay for.

I want to get a job, I've looked a bit recently but not wholeheartedly, Im a bit concerned that there wont be anything and there doesnt seem to be much anyway, I have been out of work for a number of years and when I was looking initially, I spent months sending out CV's only to realise the same jobs were coming around again and again, I feel like I am unemployable, I have a trade but no 3rd level, I wouldnt mind a job in a garage at night or something even though the money wouldnt be good, but I think most jobs seem to be sown up and people are hanging on to them.

I dont want to leave, I feel if I go out the door like that, I wont get back in. Nor do I want to burden my parents, I am near middle age and I dont want them worried, there isnt really anyone else, I have one close relative but they arent really in a position to help me, I have no friends to speak of, the few people I was close to, either relatives or friends left Ireland even before the more recent exodus, I seem to have lost touch with other people or was never really close from previous jobs. That sounds defeatist in itself, but I feel it is just reality, I'm self reliant out of the need to be, I would prefer to have friends I could talk to or do things with, that is not the case though.

I think maybe not having a job, I feel my wife is starting to resent me, maybe she sees guys at work or people in general and feels they are doing their bit, Id love to have a job, but when I was looking before it just wasnt happening and it seemed like a waste of time looking without success for months on end as at the same time a lot of people were losing their jobs.

I thought I was doing my bit

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Amen might be a good place to start.

I appreciate all the comments and the link, I didnt even think to ask for a support group,
It is something I considered for being unemployed but it went to the back burner as looking after children is so fulltime, for me anyway.

strobe

Marries couples are their children's automatic guardians. You are also the children's primary carer and have been for years. You have legal rights. She can not simply take your children from you or prevent you from seeing them.

As your wife is working and you are not and you are looking after your children you could also be entitled to spousal maintenance from her were she to leave you.

It's controlling and cruel in the extreme for her to use the threat of taking your children away from you against you like that.

If agree that contacting someone like AMEN would be a good idea. Also consider contacting citizens information, they should be able to put you in contact with am organisation that could fill you in on details or your rights as a husband and father and the children's primary carer.

Maybe she is under a lot of stress lately due to money worries, job difficulties etc, but that doesn't come close to beginning to excuse her behaviour.

Don't procrastinate on contacting AMEN and someone to discuss your legal rights as a father. Do it ASAP.

Then perhaps approach your wife about the situation. Maybe marriage counselling could help if she was willing to give it a go.

Good luck.

Emme

OP, your wife is being unreasonable and it sounds like she doesn't appreciate you at all. She is wrong to threaten to take the children away from you. Get advice from AMEN or citizens advice bureau as soon as possible. Can you call them while she is at work?

LegacyUser

she refused already to go to counselling. Her friends are the people we see, but not regularily, I said Id approach someone in her group of friends but she scoffed at the idea saying either I would look like a fool or it would make us look like fools, I didnt hear it properly.
I said it to try encourage her to act better as I think she doesnt want people to know if there is a problem, which I understand to a point. I dont really want to go to them, I think it should be dealt with by us or by us going to counselling, I think we will look silly if we cant sort things out ourselves and all while other people have their own problems too, but if I thought it would help I would go. I reality I think it might push her to go to another worse level or they may just side against me, maybe worsening things.

Im not trying to suggest Im perfect either, i try my best, she wasnt always like this either I think, or at least I did not notice in the beginning. I even suggested we not be on our phones or laptop at certain times and that was laughed off, I think she found it so preposterous that she thinks I was joking. I find it exhausting dealing with little things which she considers unimportant and trying to get an answer or opinion out of her, if I make a decision on my own, I could be either faulted for it or accused of controlling her?! but if I try talk to her about something, she refuses to deal with things, if I bring it up again at another time, she will get even more annoyed, saying we already discussed it and that I keep going over the same things, when what will have occurred is, she ignored me and refused to listen and she considers that the topic discussed and dealt with, it makes it difficult when dealing with anything from money issues to groceries.

I can see her coming around from being annoyed and beginning to be nice again and her expecting that will be it and for me to the bigger person and not make an issue of it, not to discuss it, I dislike being blamed for things all the time and I find myself caring less and less for her. I feel like a dog thats been mistreated, I feel wary of when she is nice as Im wondering if it will last.

I will look at that AMEN place, thanks for the advice, I know I am letting off a bit of steam here.

Legs.Eleven

I hope you seek help and do something about this, OP. Good luck with everything.