Girl lied about her age, need serious advice

LegacyUser

First off, we didn't have sex, so that's a positive first off

Please don't judge but we randomly met online, I was 20 (turned 21 a few weeks after we met, so for arguments sake I'll say I was 21), and I just found out the other day, she was 14 at that time, I feel so bad. I don't know what to feel. She said she was 18 at the time, and when we talked, she seemed very mature, when I seen her I had no reason to think she wasn't 18! She looked it, wore makeup of course every picture and I had no reason to doubt her. We talked for a while before she admitted her feelings and I also had feelings for her, we get on so well and have loads in common and talk a lot! We've webcammed on a few occasions and she looks 18, I know you might think how have I mistaken a 14 year old for an 18 year old but she looks it, wears quite a bit of makeup, acts it, trust me no one here would have known either!

Fast forward today, I'm 22 just turned, and she is 19 (really 15), we haven't met yet but have planned to in the next few weeks, she lives in England and I had been thinking of moving over there anyway, but wanted to see how we got on in person first to see if there was an attraction if we wanted to try a relationship out, or if anything could blossom. I started having funny doubts, like something just wasn't right with me..I couldn't tell.

Out of curiousity, I added her ex-best friend on FB, to see could I find anything, her friend has no idea who I am and so it couldn't be traced back, what I discovered was shocking. We will call the girl I like A, and her best friend B. I checked out B's birthdate, and it was 1997. A bit shocked, I asked A "what age is B? I'm just wondering, I know you guys don't talk anymore", and A told me, "She's 19, same age as me". I was taken aback, but kept going HOPING to find something that would make sense. I found a picture of A, and B, with A's Grandfather, while out having coffee. The picture was hard dated from the camera, April 2012. Someone commented saying "who are the girls?" and her Grandfather said "This is my granddaughter, A, and her friend, B, A is 15 and is my eldest granddaughter"..shocked, I raced to the comments hoping it was a joke, but alas I found a comment from A herself saying "Hi, yup, and B is 15 too "

My heart dropped. It wasn't heart break, it was more confusion, sickness! It all suddenly clicked with me. I don't know any of her friends, she never once told anyone about me, or I have never talked to anyone close to her. Her Dad legit controls her facebook so I have never had access to her details. When I asked her to add me, she joked it off and never ever did. I have never seen her passport, or any proof of age. She also caught herself out because when I met her and talked about school she said she was going to college, and today she told me she had to do retakes and that's why she was still in the secondary school, which is complete crap because she is 15! She is genuinely in that school as a student. Her father is very controlling, she is 19 and I always found it strange how she wasn't let out past dark, never goes to nightclubs/pubs, nights out etc, for a girl her age, that should be a norm right? It all makes sense now because she is bloody 15! She also never has her own money or is allowed handle her money in her bank, and when I asked, she always told, my dad is just really controlling, but I always said "you're 19? You can do what you like? Why don't you move out?" and she always shrugged it off, with no response

SERIOUS PART : What do I do? I still have feelings for this girl. I think...see it's all so crazy because we haven't met, if we met and I never knew she was 15, and we got on REALLY good and the feelings were there..I suppose it would be correct to say yes, I do have feelings for her. But if we never meet I'll never know for sure, regardless of her age! So it's really making me feel bad, because I don't know what to do. MY HEART OF HEARTS, is telling me, this is WRONG, she LIED and deceived you for so long, and if she had any respect or feelings would have told you. I can understand her being afraid, but she eluded to the idea of intercourse once or twice with me, which makes me SICK knowing she's 15! My main worry is, what if the attraction is real,regardless of sex? Is it wrong to pursue that, knowing she's 15? When she doesn't know my real age?

THE BEST part of me is saying this is wrong, you have to confront her because if you meet her without telling her you know, you will also be lying too, and allowing that lie to be harvested and nurtured. But, she has no clue I creeped her friend on facebook, so how do I approach this?! My gut is telling me to tell her, maybe to say "I'm having doubts lately, and that I want to double check your age because of all the stories you hear about girls lying, I need to be sure before we meet", but she might see this as not trusting her which is SUCH CRAP because she is 15..I think I'm in over my head here and I want to do the right think, but need advice on how to do it! I'm broken up over this

Neyite

Its a no brainer - she is underage. Cut contact, telling her clearly why its wrong for you both to let this go any further. You could get yourself into a lot of trouble - even if nothing happened, mud sticks, no smoke without a fire etc etc. will be perceived. Trying to argue that she lied about her age is a dubious defence against any charges that might be pursued if her father finds out. You are the adult here, and need to do the right thing.

Ave Sodalis

Run, get out of there. You want nothing to do with her or the hassle that it would bring if you got involved.
Don't go over, drop contact, and forget her OP. Just be glad you found out what she did before it was too late.

Esoteric_

OP, whether your attraction to her is 'real' or not, it cannot continue.

Yes, she led you to believe she's an adult, but she's not.

She's a child. A young child at that.

If somebody of your age (similar age to myself) showed any interest in somebody of my kid sister's age, I'd kick the living hell out of them.

You know she is a young child, so cut contact. Adults cannot date children.

FouxDaFaFa

I don't think you should be blamed for mistaking her for someone older but you are now aware that she is 15.

Even thinking about meeting up with her is a horrible, horrible idea.

Do you really want to risk legal action (even if nothing sexual happens) or the social stigma of pursuing such a young girl?

LegacyUser

Hi guys OP here, a few points, thanks for your advice first off!

Like I said, my heart of hearts is telling this is wrong, and that I have a legal obligation to not pursue this until she is of age, I can't risk it, it's not even about risk, I just CAN'T! Most guys would probably do it, get a cheap thrill out of it. But I can't with a minor, at 16, I'd be more willing, but her being 15 is just crazy! Even going to see her, date, kiss etc, I couldn't even do that, even if it was legal? Because I think the fact that she lied and dragged it out for so long, tells me she is NOT mature and understanding enough yet to have an adult relationship, plus it will only break her heart if I go and see her and never contact her again, I'm not about that, so I think I'm just going to tell her, wait till you're 16 if you still want to

But how do I tell her without saying I creeped your ex-best friend's facebook? I was thinking of playing the safety card and saying I want visual proof of her age before we meet so I know she's what age she says she is, I was also thinking of saying "I know you're 15, we need to talk". and when she says how, I'd say "never mind, I just know"

What do you guys think?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Even if you do meet her it's not going to go anywhere. If her father is as strict as she says you won't get within an asses roar of her.

She's a child at the end of the day, you know this now so you need to walk away and cut your losses.

herisson

OP, you didnt know she was underage, she was the one that lied. You aren't to blame, she deceived you.

I do think you should cut all ties with her. It is the best solution. Meeting up with her is a terrible idea.

Cut all ties now, she is a child, not an adult.

Esoteric_

OP, don't bother saying that you creeped that girl's page.

Just say 'Look, I know you lied to me about your age. We can't speak anymore. You're only a kid, and I don't want that kind of drama in my life.'

Then block. No point listening to her reasoning. She's a child, end of.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd just tell her you know that she is only 15, and that you are sorry but you have to cut contact with her. No need for explanations.

I don't mean to sound harsh OP, but I wouldn't be too bothered about breaking her heart, or upsetting her, or freaking her out by telling her you checked her friend's FB page or whatever.. She's 15! She probably fancies 3 or 4 fellas! She probably has a bf, or a casual bf already.

And the story of her "controlling, over protective Dad" is probably as true as her being 19. She uses Dad as an excuse for not being able to do things, she knows she can't do.. because she's only 15! "I'm not allowed" was a line we all used at 15 when we didn't really want to do things that our friends wanted us to do!!

I know you have sort of fallen for her, but think of a 15 year old girl that you know in real life.. would you think it appropriate for you to be in such contact with them, as you are with this girl?

ClongowesBoy

Ok first things first: my opinion is that lying to that extent equals bad news regardless of age.

Just to go slightly against the grain: age of consent in UK is 16, so if you wait a year/however many months, you can legally do what you want.

Nonetheless legal or not she's still clearly very immature and might just see you as cool because you're older. I've heard of far bigger age gaps mind you but still do you think you guys are really on the same wave length maturity wise? Doesn't seem like it but I guess that's for you to decide.

FouxDaFaFa

I don't mean to be rude, OP, but are you sure you're the only one she's messaging? This could be something she does for fun, pretend she's something she's not online. She is only a kid, after all.

So, don't be worried about "breaking her heart". Don't dig in any deeper with this. You sending her messages to the effect of "let's wait until you're 16 to pursue this" is still very inappropriate given her age.

needhelpquick

needhelpquick wrote: »

What do I do?

Stop contacting her.

My main worry is, what if the attraction is real,regardless of sex?

Then you've just found yourself attracted to a child, and should distance yourself from it.

Is it wrong to pursue that, knowing she's 15?

Yes.

Most guys would probably do it,

No they wouldn't.

As ClongowesBoy said, the UK age of consent is 16, but I think it's worth also bearing in mind that it's 17 here.

OP, I'm the same age as you, and I have to say that just on a personal level, disregarding sex and legalities completely, I would feel that it's morally wrong for someone our age to pursue a relationship with a 15 year old.

beks101

needhelpquick wrote: »

Hi guys OP here, a few points, thanks for your advice first off!

Like I said, my heart of hearts is telling this is wrong, and that I have a legal obligation to not pursue this until she is of age, I can't risk it, it's not even about risk, I just CAN'T! Most guys would probably do it, get a cheap thrill out of it. But I can't with a minor, at 16, I'd be more willing, but her being 15 is just crazy! Even going to see her, date, kiss etc, I couldn't even do that, even if it was legal? Because I think the fact that she lied and dragged it out for so long, tells me she is NOT mature and understanding enough yet to have an adult relationship, plus it will only break her heart if I go and see her and never contact her again, I'm not about that, so I think I'm just going to tell her, wait till you're 16 if you still want to

But how do I tell her without saying I creeped your ex-best friend's facebook? I was thinking of playing the safety card and saying I want visual proof of her age before we meet so I know she's what age she says she is, I was also thinking of saying "I know you're 15, we need to talk". and when she says how, I'd say "never mind, I just know"

What do you guys think?

Quit the crap.

No, most lads wouldn't go for it anyway, despite knowing she's underage.

Stop making excuses, tell her you found out about her age, don't appreciate being lied to and have no choice but to end contact. You don't need to explain anything further.

You'll have "feelings" for a lot of people who are wrong for you for various reasons in this life, consider this a lesson. Do it now.

ted1

Delete her details and run away.

This talk about waiting till she is legal is nearly getting I to grooming category.

No need to explain yourself just remove her from your life.

December2012

Don't make it any more dramatic.

"I found out that you lied about your age. You're 15, not 19. I'm not interested in keeping in touch with a child or a liar. Bye"

I personally would print off any conversations in which she lied about her age. In case, for retaliation she reports you to anybody.

Get out quickly and cleanly.

Lorna123

I would not be travelling out of my comfort zone to meet this girl. You don't know what you would meet over there. You don't know who is looking out for her and you could get yourself beaten up by her brothers or whoever is looking out for her. Don't risk it. Distance yourself from her and find yourself someone your own age. Even if she did like you it would be a long time before she would ever be ready for a serious relationship. Don't get involved.

Merkin

It's quite simple.You cut contact without explanation and cosider yourself having had a lucky escape.Learn from this and no, you haven't fallen for her, you don't even know her.

Meangadh

I don't understand the issue here. Just stop contacting her. Tell her you're no longer interested. You don't need to say anything at all about knowing her age. Just put this down to a lucky escape and move on. You're an adult for God's sake, how you think that you need to rationalise things to this child is baffling. Just cut contact, full stop.

MissFlitworth

I don't think anyone would doubt you that you genuinely thought she was 18, lots of very young teenaged girls can look older than they are. The only thing you can really be judged on is how you react now that you know she's only 15. If you try to weasel things round in your head to say that 'most other guys would do it' and you'll 'never know if the attraction is real' if you don't meet her or that you 'need to talk to her' before you cut off contact then you are choosing to act in a way that people could legitimately think you a bit of a scumbag for. You sound like you're trying to make this ok in your head and it just isn't.

You have been contacting her for a whole year.it could be misinterpreted as "grooming".
As per the other posters, tell her you know she is underage and immediately cut all communication. Its a no brainer. You could end up with serious problems.

RossFixxxed

It's an honest mistake and it happens. You were duped and that is ok as far as I'm concerned.

Waiting until a girl is 'of age' in the UK makes you seem incredibly creepy. You are trying to convince us here, and yourself that it is normal or that most guys would do it. Most guys I know would disown, or much worse, someone actively seeking an underage girl, whatever the justification.

You could be setting yourself up for a world of hurt when her friends, family, brothers etc find out you are grooming a kid online. Make no mistake that is how it comes across: because that is how it is.

You're moving from caught in a difficult situation into being branded a creep and a potential molester. Let that sink in. Perception of it would be that for most people and your posts DO NOT HELP YOU at all man.

If you ever hear schoolgirls that age on a bus they would do your head in, they are kids. They have a totally different frame of reference and they are WAAAY too young for a grown man to be interested in. The fact you are considering it is a bit odd in the first place. Are you very immature? Are you lagging in development that you are into a girl this young? Do you find yourself attracted to younger girls?

njs030

Tell her that you have discovered she's 15 not 19 as she has told you and for that reason you won't be having anymore contact with her.

Keep the message to cover yourself just incase she has a tantrum about it and move on.

Once you discovered this girls age that should have been the end of it, no soul searching what if's!!!
She is a child, yes she lied but she's a child.

username123

You thought you had an online relationship with an adult, youve found out a child is duping you.

You are the one with everything to risk here, you are the one who would be seen to be grooming a child, now that you are talking about still meeting up despite her age makes it even worse.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you would even consider still meeting this person, who is a child, when you now know she is the age she is. There is something very very wrong that your initial reaction is not "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE". This codswallop about breaking her heart etc - she could have you put behind bars with her behaviour and you need to be aware of that.

No need for big dramatics, just tell her you know she has been lying about her age and that you cannot continue to be in contact with her as it could have serious legal ramifications for you and as such you are cutting contact - and cut it. And keep that last message.

ElleEm

RossFixxxed wrote: »

It's an honest mistake and it happens. You were duped and that is ok as far as I'm concerned.

Waiting until a girl is 'of age' in the UK makes you seem incredibly creepy. You are trying to convince us here, and yourself that it is normal or that most guys would do it. Most guys I know would disown, or much worse, someone actively seeking an underage girl, whatever the justification.

You could be setting yourself up for a world of hurt when her friends, family, brothers etc find out you are grooming a kid online. Make no mistake that is how it comes across: because that is how it is.

You're moving from caught in a difficult situation into being branded a creep and a potential molester. Let that sink in. Perception of it would be that for most people and your posts DO NOT HELP YOU at all man.

If you ever hear schoolgirls that age on a bus they would do your head in, they are kids. They have a totally different frame of reference and they are WAAAY too young for a grown man to be interested in. The fact you are considering it is a bit odd in the first place. Are you very immature? Are you lagging in development that you are into a girl this young? Do you find yourself attracted to younger girls?

I wish I could thank this a hundred times.

OP, this girl is a child. A child! She lied to you, and you should be thankful that you found out now. It is obvious that you built a relationship with her, but it is based on a lie about something fairly serious. You should tell her you know she lied, and tell her you are cutting contact and never want her to contact you again.

If any guy I know was in this situation, I can guarantee that they would have cut contact at the point they found out, and after feeling sick/ guilty/ ashamed, they would try to forget all about it and be more careful in the future. The fact that you think most guys would be with her, or even the fact that you said "if she was 16 I would be more willing" seems so strange. Being a 22 year old MAN, you are still far too old to be considering a relationship with a 16 year old GIRL.

username123

RossFixxxed wrote: »

You're moving from caught in a difficult situation into being branded a creep and a potential molester. Let that sink in. Perception of it would be that for most people and your posts DO NOT HELP YOU at all man.

+1

Im wondering if this thread should be reported. There are legal concerns to do with why the OP would be justifying chasing underage girls.

MissFlitworth

needhelpquick wrote: »

My main worry is, what if the attraction is real,regardless of sex? Is it wrong to pursue that, knowing she's 15? When she doesn't know my real age?

Why doesn't she know your real age?

blatantrereg

Is it wrong to pursue that, knowing she's 15?

Obviously. And (as mentioned) most guys wouldn't countenance the idea, and would not associate with someone who did.

When she doesn't know my real age?

This bit confuses me. You haven't told her your real age? That doesn't fit in with what you're saying. If you were 20 and thought you were talking to an 18 year old there would be zero reason to conceal your real age.

what if the attraction is real,regardless of sex?

Who cares?

Personally I don't believe you. Her refusing to add you on Facebook, talk about an overprotective father, telling you she's still in school. These things would have raised questions in anyone's mind from the start. She refused to add you so I'd infer that her friends are kids and many, including her best friend, have their DOBs clearly displayed on their pages.

You kick up a big fuss about how she lied to you. So what; she's a kid. You seem to be looking for justification to pursue her here rather than anything else. It's disturbing.

joeguevara

needhelpquick wrote: »

First off, we didn't have sex, so that's a positive first off

Please don't judge but we randomly met online, I was 20 (turned 21 a few weeks after we met, so for arguments sake I'll say I was 21), and I just found out the other day, she was 14 at that time, I feel so bad. I don't know what to feel. She said she was 18 at the time, and when we talked, she seemed very mature, when I seen her I had no reason to think she wasn't 18! She looked it, wore makeup of course every picture and I had no reason to doubt her. We talked for a while before she admitted her feelings and I also had feelings for her, we get on so well and have loads in common and talk a lot! We've webcammed on a few occasions and she looks 18, I know you might think how have I mistaken a 14 year old for an 18 year old but she looks it, wears quite a bit of makeup, acts it, trust me no one here would have known either!

Fast forward today, I'm 22 just turned, and she is 19 (really 15), we haven't met yet but have planned to in the next few weeks, she lives in England and I had been thinking of moving over there anyway, but wanted to see how we got on in person first to see if there was an attraction if we wanted to try a relationship out, or if anything could blossom. I started having funny doubts, like something just wasn't right with me..I couldn't tell.

Out of curiousity, I added her ex-best friend on FB, to see could I find anything, her friend has no idea who I am and so it couldn't be traced back, what I discovered was shocking. We will call the girl I like A, and her best friend B. I checked out B's birthdate, and it was 1997. A bit shocked, I asked A "what age is B? I'm just wondering, I know you guys don't talk anymore", and A told me, "She's 19, same age as me". I was taken aback, but kept going HOPING to find something that would make sense. I found a picture of A, and B, with A's Grandfather, while out having coffee. The picture was hard dated from the camera, April 2012. Someone commented saying "who are the girls?" and her Grandfather said "This is my granddaughter, A, and her friend, B, A is 15 and is my eldest granddaughter"..shocked, I raced to the comments hoping it was a joke, but alas I found a comment from A herself saying "Hi, yup, and B is 15 too "

My heart dropped. It wasn't heart break, it was more confusion, sickness! It all suddenly clicked with me. I don't know any of her friends, she never once told anyone about me, or I have never talked to anyone close to her. Her Dad legit controls her facebook so I have never had access to her details. When I asked her to add me, she joked it off and never ever did. I have never seen her passport, or any proof of age. She also caught herself out because when I met her and talked about school she said she was going to college, and today she told me she had to do retakes and that's why she was still in the secondary school, which is complete crap because she is 15! She is genuinely in that school as a student. Her father is very controlling, she is 19 and I always found it strange how she wasn't let out past dark, never goes to nightclubs/pubs, nights out etc, for a girl her age, that should be a norm right? It all makes sense now because she is bloody 15! She also never has her own money or is allowed handle her money in her bank, and when I asked, she always told, my dad is just really controlling, but I always said "you're 19? You can do what you like? Why don't you move out?" and she always shrugged it off, with no response

SERIOUS PART : What do I do? I still have feelings for this girl. I think...see it's all so crazy because we haven't met, if we met and I never knew she was 15, and we got on REALLY good and the feelings were there..I suppose it would be correct to say yes, I do have feelings for her. But if we never meet I'll never know for sure, regardless of her age! So it's really making me feel bad, because I don't know what to do. MY HEART OF HEARTS, is telling me, this is WRONG, she LIED and deceived you for so long, and if she had any respect or feelings would have told you. I can understand her being afraid, but she eluded to the idea of intercourse once or twice with me, which makes me SICK knowing she's 15! My main worry is, what if the attraction is real,regardless of sex? Is it wrong to pursue that, knowing she's 15? When she doesn't know my real age?

THE BEST part of me is saying this is wrong, you have to confront her because if you meet her without telling her you know, you will also be lying too, and allowing that lie to be harvested and nurtured. But, she has no clue I creeped her friend on facebook, so how do I approach this?! My gut is telling me to tell her, maybe to say "I'm having doubts lately, and that I want to double check your age because of all the stories you hear about girls lying, I need to be sure before we meet", but she might see this as not trusting her which is SUCH CRAP because she is 15..I think I'm in over my head here and I want to do the right think, but need advice on how to do it! I'm broken up over this

You either have caught yourself out and are making it up or else you want to pursue an underage child. Either way this thread should be closed and you reported!

smash

joeguevara wrote: »

You either have caught yourself out and are making it up or else you want to pursue an underage child.

The whole story sounds like a complete fabrication to be honest.

Taltos

Closed as advice was all the same.
OP - think long and carefully here, the wrong choice will label you for life among your peers/family.

Taltos