Adopted and curious.

icantdoit

Hi Folks. I am a 33 year old Male from Cork. I was put up for Adopion in 1979,and 10 months later I was adopted by what I consider to be the best family in the world.I consider my Mam Dad(deceased) and brothers and sister to be my actual Parents/Siblings,and have had a very happy upbringing.All my life I never wanted to even know who my Birth Mother was or Father for that matter,but lately after alll these years for reasons I do not know,I am a little curious.I certainly do not want to upset my Mam/Family by jumping ship and going on a searching mission.What would folk advise or should I be just content at how lucky I have been in the life I have had.Any advice would be most welcome. Thanks All.

tyview

Hi Icantdoit! Your story sounds very familiar. I think a lot, if not most adopted people go through the exact same feelings as you at some point and what stops some of them is what they feel their adopted families will think of them. I know I was sick with fear of hurting them and ended up waiting months after I met my BM before I told them. They were fine about it. They said they knew that if I ever did want to trace, that I'd go off and do it myself. My sister who was adopted too isn't bothered tracing. Has tracing ever been mentioned in your house? There has been a lot of talk over the last few years of search and reunions on TV and Radio so I'm sure your mam would have heard other adoptee's talk about it. Are you the only one adopted or are your siblings adopted too? If you are close to one of them, you could bounce the idea off them before making your decision. For me I knew I couldn't live with the not knowing once the curiosity started.

icantdoit

Thankyou for the great reply.I am the only one of 5 children adopted,and my Mam has told me a few times about my BM/Father. She never asked if I was going to try trace them or never suggested it either.Tell me,Are you happy with your decision to Meet your BM,and was It hard to Trace her?Sorry for being so inquisitive,Its just I a clueless at the moment.Thanks again for your reply btw.

schoolmouse

Hi icantdoit I would say to you to follow your heart and satisfy yourself in your quest. I think we all have a yearning within ourselves to know who we are and though you are happy with yourself and have had a kind and loving upbringing, if you were my son, I would be thrilled to know you. I can't say the same for all parents of adopted children but like you I would love to know about your life and how you are getting on.
Kindest Regards,
schoolmouse.

icantdoit

Thankyou for that Schoolmouse,always nice to hear a kind voice. Your not my Birth Mother by any chance are you? ;-)

tyview

icantdoit wrote: »

Thankyou for the great reply.I am the only one of 5 children adopted,and my Mam has told me a few times about my BM/Father. She never asked if I was going to try trace them or never suggested it either.Tell me,Are you happy with your decision to Meet your BM,and was It hard to Trace her?Sorry for being so inquisitive,Its just I a clueless at the moment.Thanks again for your reply btw.

I have to say I am delighted with how my reunion went. It was so long coming considering I had requested the trace in 2001 but didn't get to the start of the process until 2009. From my first meeting with the SW it only took three weeks for her to be found and be in contact with me by letter. I had done my own research so I knew little bits of info. We are in regular contact by phone and see each other a few times a year. She is a bit of a distance away but I've been down to a family wedding and met the whole extended family.

Its true what schoolmouse said though, follow your heart. My next step will be to trace my BF but I'll need to leave that a while until I've less things going on

frankod

HI All

Im frank

Born 24 05 1982

current location south cork

Looking for Birth Mother / Farther

ST Anns Adoption Society 1982

I am reading all of yer comments and feeling the same, I want to start the journey off find my birth mother and father, but not to sure my mum and dad would take it. Mum says she is so supportive of any decisions i make and will also help, But when it comes to the crunch im not to sure how they will react.

I also think is it a bit mean of me to disturber the life's of the birth parents, as their own situations may not be all rosie in the garden.

I would like to find out my medical records as i now have 2 little girls.

Thanks for taking the time

Frank

icantdoit

Hi Frank, Unfortunately I cannot offer you any advice as I am in exactly the same boat as you.All I will say is The very best of luck with whatever you decide to do. I am still undecided myself and considering the exact same things as you. Please keep me posted,and good luck again pal.

rinsjwind

Hi guys

I would suggest getting in touch with the adoption authority on 01-2309300, they have a contact register with around 4000 relatives and 6000 adopted adults on it, there have been around 600 adoptees matched with a relative (or relatives!!) which is a ten to one shot, long enough odds but certainly worth a try?

They will also tell you where to go for basic non identifying information and a tracing/reunion service, though the current service is a shambles due to lack of resources and hopelessly outdated legislation! The HSE in Cork (sorry lads) is particularly phuqed (see thread re Sacred Heart/Bessboro records). But as with the register above. there's no harm contacting them and be on their waiting list while you think this over, if you change your mind, they'll be only to happy to take of their to do list : - )

On the other hand, there's the do it yourself approach, see the trace guides elsewhere on here for more on that.


And finally, Barnardos run a pre- tracing/reunion course a few times a year which is reputedly very good and I think covers a lot of the ground that you express concerns about, aai will have contact details for them as well.


Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Cheers

Rins

schoolmouse

Hi again icantdoit
thank you for the lovely idea that I could be your bm, alas if it were only true, I am a dad who would love to find the son that was adopted from St Annes in 1975.I live in the constant hope of meeting him some day as it would complete my life just to know how he is and about his life in general. I have no wish to cause him any anxiety nor to try and disrupt his life as this would be wrong of me and unfair to him. I say again, don't give up your quest and may your search be fruitful and full of joy.

p.s. it would be helpful to people if people who are searching gave a wee bit of information such as their age,it would help those of us who are searching to narrow down our own searches.

schoolmouse

frankod wrote: »

HI All

Im frank

Born 24 05 1982

current location south cork

Looking for Birth Mother / Farther

ST Anns Adoption Society 1982

I am reading all of yer comments and feeling the same, I want to start the journey off find my birth mother and father, but not to sure my mum and dad would take it. Mum says she is so supportive of any decisions i make and will also help, But when it comes to the crunch im not to sure how they will react.

I also think is it a bit mean of me to disturber the life's of the birth parents, as their own situations may not be all rosie in the garden.

I would like to find out my medical records as i now have 2 little girls.

Thanks for taking the time

Frank

Hi Frank,
I would like to encourage you to take the big step and begin your search. I know it is not an easy step to take as I myself pondered about the effect it would have on other people but your wonderful mum is there to support you and if you were my son I would dearly love to meet you and my grandchildren. Go for it buddy and set your mind at rest.

icantdoit

Oh Wow,I didnt realise you were searching for your Son. Has his BM any info on his whereabouts.?I really really hope you find him,because if I knew someone was looking for me,I would be delighted to meet them.I wonder would the info that the poster before you gave be of help to you? I hope it is. I wish you the best of luck Pal.

jiggerypokery

Hi,
My wife went looking for her birth mother at the age of 32. She was adopted at the age of 15 months into a lovely family. Even though she always knew she was adopted she sometimes wondered where she came from etc. She finally made the decision to go searching as she knew she would always regret it if she did not. My wife knew she was adopted by the HSE, so she made an appointment( there was a few months waiting time). To make a very long story short my wife went upto Dublin to view the births & marriages records on Abbey St. From there she tracked down her original birth cert and within 2wks she knew where her birth mother lived etc. She does not have a relationship with her birth mother now as she feels they are v different people. I know she is still v happy that she went looking as she doesn't have to wonder anymore who she looks like, why she was given up and the general story of her past etc. The experience has however made my wife grateful for the family & life that she was adopted into & feels maybe her been adopted had maybe worked out for the best. Looking at what my wife went through I feel it is a very hard thing to do and you may open a door you may have wished you haven't. My wife is the kind that always prefers the truth no matter what so she is glad to know about her past. I know my wife's best friend also whom is adopted went looking for her birth mother round the same time but unfortunately her birth mother did not want to know which as im sure you can understand was v hard for her to deal with. I hope this helps. Best of luck whatever you decide.

HenryR

I got a call from the adoption agency last week. I signed up to the register years ago, when it was first set up. I've got two kids now and so I was probably going to do a private search - for medical history if nothing else. Id contacted people regarding this but didnt proceed. Anyway, out of the blue I started getting calls from a 'blocked' number. I never answer these, theyre usually time wasters, but after three calls in a couple of days I decided to put an end and answer. I work in a quiet office and boy did I get a shock. I dashed for the door so i could speak and it was surreal really. The lady from the agency told me my bm had registered, they'd made a match, blur, social worker, blur, letters, blur, contact... You'll understand I don't want to get into they very few details she gave, but it brought up some strong feelings. I really wanted to tell my adoptive parents, but there was a lot on that evening, bad time etc. but I walked around our family home that evening and felt so strongly attached to my home and my family. It was quite surprising. I wanted to talk to old friends I'd lost touch with, friends I've talked to about my adoption growing up. Told my adopted brother, will tell parents over a cuppa soon.
Ive always considered myself lucky - not "raffle winning" lucky, but lucky in the big things, like the family i grew up in, the wife and children I have, and the life that came from the generosity and friendship of those around me.
Sorry for the disjointed ramble - I plan to make contact but don't know how long that will take. Agency is based in Kilkenny. Any anybody have a rough timeline?

HenryR

Made a call....
Because there was a match and we both specified contact, the waiting time is about 6 - 8 weeks. Else, it's about 6 months to get information thru the relevant HSE office, if you call into them, probably a bit longer if you use letters.

Elizvonne

Hi icandoit

I'm a bm who has been in reunion with my son since last year. He also has a very loving and supportive afamily and I am delighted that he has grown up in such a loving home. Tracing me and my family has not in any way had any impact on his relationship with his afamily, if anything they have become closer because they have been so supportive. But for him he has had his questions answered and gained a few extra siblings who are so delighted to call him their brother.

Frankod. I did not think that I had the right to search for my son and disrupt his life as I was the one who had placed him for adoption. But for me as a result of his search I no longer wonder where he is and if all is good in his life. And also I have a sense of completeness now.

HenryR congrats on your news. When I first heard that my son had made contact I too wanted to talk to me who had been around me around after the adoption and had supported me at that time. Funny that. I hope you have a great reunion:)

icandoit and frankod - I would encourage you to take the next step and start your search, it is a huge emotional rollercoaster so be prepared. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.
E

rio05

Hi, ive been thinking so much lately about when i was adopted and maybe getting in touch with my bm and sister. scared and nervous but have so many questions that just wont go away. any suggestions where i start???

Hetty

Hey Rio, the adoption rights alliance website is very helpful.

rio05

Hetty wrote: »

Hey Rio, the adoption rights alliance website is very helpful.

Thanks hetty, i had a good read of their information,all very daunting though!!!! hard to know if ur doing the right thing,could b opening a big can of worms!!!

Hetty

I'm going through the process of tracing bm at the moment. I read info online, looked up my original bc in the records office, then contacted adoption agency for non identifying info. After receiving the info I took another few months to think about how much further I wanted to take things. The adoption agency on my behalf has contacted my bm and i have further info about her. Again I had another long think about my next move and after a few months I've decided we will meet this month. I think the important thing is to take your time and not have expectations that this person will either be a constant in your future or replace something you may feel you missed in your past. The meeting could be positive / negative and I think it's important to prepare for either. I liked getting the non identifying info as I now know where I was born and that there are no known medical conditions in my birth family.

rio05

yes, think thats the way to go, I sent a letter today requesting non identifying info when i get a reply im going to go and find my birth cert and then wait and see how i feel, seems to be the best advice to go on best of luck meeting ur bm, hope it goes well for you. did it take long for them to find her?

Hetty

The agency acknowledged my letter to them immediately and I was invited in to meet with the SW within 2-3 weeks I think. After receiving the non identifying info the SW made a phone call to my bm and they let me know within 2 months. It was all very quick. That was last year. I dragged the process out as I wanted to know more about her before meeting her - i wanted to know what kind of contact she wanted, whether she has other kids (she does), does anyone else know about me (they don't), what she does for a living and whether she has contact with my bf (she doesn't).

rio05

wow that was quick its all bit daunting finding things like that out bout your birth family i would imagine. fingers crossed i get lucky too thanks for your great advice

grizzly blue

icantdoit wrote: »

Hi Folks. I am a 33 year old Male from Cork. I was put up for Adopion in 1979,and 10 months later I was adopted by what I consider to be the best family in the world.I consider my Mam Dad(deceased) and brothers and sister to be my actual Parents/Siblings,and have had a very happy upbringing.All my life I never wanted to even know who my Birth Mother was or Father for that matter,but lately after alll these years for reasons I do not know,I am a little curious.I certainly do not want to upset my Mam/Family by jumping ship and going on a searching mission.What would folk advise or should I be just content at how lucky I have been in the life I have had.Any advice would be most welcome. Thanks All.

Hello
I met my birthmother 2 yrs ago. first 12 months were a rollercoaster but gradually we developed a good relationship. I'm glad I did it and I was lucky she wanted to meet me.
Initially I contacted Regional Adoption Services in Glanmire 021 4858632 and after a few weeks I met a social worker who gave me non identifying information.
I then went on a waiting list for people who may be interested in reunion. Approx 18 months later I was contacted and asked if I was still interested in tracing my birthmother and I said yes. 2 days later a social worker rang to say they contacted my BM. We both live in Cork.
Initial contact was by phone and I decided to meet her fairly quickly. You decide when and if you want to me.
The social worker arranged meeting between us.
The social workers I dealt were brilliant and I was offered 6 counselling sessions after reunion which were very beneficial.
I had great support from family but it was still good to talk to a professional. For a while I felt like I was betraying my family but got over it.

Its a gamble with reunions. hope this is of help to you.
Just follow your gut instinct. I know I would have regretted not going through with the reunion.

SLenihan

Go for it