Advise for me and her (5years)

RelationshipAd · 11-05-2013 11:46am #1

Hi all,

This might be a long one so thank you if your taken the time to read this. I want to start from the beginning because thats where it started :eek: . I'm asking here because I don't believe in taken friends and family's advise on this sort of thing because they are not neutral and are not always told the whole thing.

We met online about 5 years ago, we were living in different counties and used to chat every night. I was in college at the time and she was living with her mother. A couple of weeks after we met she got a job. We decided that I should also try and get a job down there and move in together a long with a new friend she had made in work. Neither of us were truly happy where we were and it was also a plus that we got out of that situation.

Things were great when I moved down to her county. We were both making friends and able to talk and meet new people as a couple. I suppose like any young couple we didn't do a lot. Such as go on holiday and this stuff as we could not afford it. We just mainly met with friends and family and done our own thing outside of the house. We never had an argument.

3-4 months: The person we were living with was not working out. She was sleeping with a few different people even though she was in a relationship. She had also expressed to my girlfriend that she thought she had got HIV. Because we did not know who was in our out of the house and what possible things she could get infected with if she was been this careless. We asked her to move out, well, I had to ask her. My girlfriend did not want to have to tell her so I had to do all the dirty work and on my own be the one that told her how it was. I felt this was all put on my shoulders to sort out. My girlfriend would try to avoid her and not mention it if the were talking. I felt like I was the bad guy.

5-6 months: We were worried how we were going to pay the bills so and I was also missing having my best friend with me. He was stuck at home doing nothing with himself and I thought that I have away to get my friend, help him out and help myself out. He had no driving license but had a car. His car was worth about 800euro but I gave him 1000euro and explained that I would mind his car till he gets money together to buy it back when he got his license. It was not a week into things before my girlfriend started to give out to me about him. I need to point out it was ME she was giving out to and not him. It was small things, like his always on his xbox, theres hairs on the toilet sit. His lazy, etc, etc. For me this was very stressfull, I didn't want her to be upset but I wanted my friend to be comfortable. With the stress, I handled the situation poorly. I barely spoke to him, only when I had to give out to him. We decided that it might be a good idea to just get out of renting and move in with my mother in my county. I dropped the ball on my friend like a punch in the face. Short notice, (We're living end of the month, go home stay here whatever you want) clearly we knew he could afford to pay for the place on his own.

6-12: To sum it up with speaking about this to much, I come from what I suppose you would call a broken home. Abusive father and a mother with a bit of a drinking problem. I explained this before we moved down and because my mother is hardly ever there we thought it wouldn't be too bad. I told when my mam comes back from pub she will usually just stagger up stairs making noises and not disturb us too much. However, I don't really remember how things got so bad. But I could imagine from my mams point of view that we were taken over her home when we came with beds and hammers to do up our little space. Lets be honest. It was an incredible stupid idea. Again stress got the better of me I was so angry at my mother for not making my girlfriend feel welcome. I went to her local, screemed at them all calling the alcoholics and punched a hole in my mothers wall. I then rang my sister and asked her for a loan of 850 or 750 I think so we could pay for deposit. I'm not much of talker and my sisters live in other counties. She had no idea what was going on and never met my girlfriend. My sister gave me the money, I would not return anyones calls so the sister that gave me the money rang me. As you can imagine it was a lot of drama and I was never the one to cause that in the family, my sister not knowing who my girlfriend was said she was selfish bla,bla and she over heard this and locked herself in the bathroom. I cut my family out for about 6-7 months.

12-18: I lost my job with cut backs and I was trying everything even stuff I hated, door to door sales. I was so unhappy. I hated that I was out of work, when at home I spent a lot of time on my computer. Started playing an MMORPG (multiplayer online role-playing game) Some of you might have any idea what game i'm talking about. For anyone else, this is basically a computer game where you interact. It's the kind of game that the best player is the one that puts more time into. It takes up A LOT of time. I was all up for the idea of my girlfriend playing this with me. Always said it when was younger such a cool thing. We played it once a week for like 30mnutes half hour. I did not play when she was home and didn't want to pay. I would feel bad even if she didn't mind. When we were in my county we had no friends. Her friends from here never could really make it down. When she went home for weekend I didn't always go because I didn't want to be standing around when she was talking to her friend. I thought it was better that she got a chance to be with her friends without me clung to here for the weekend.

18-24: I finally got a stable job again and we moved to a cheaper place. We were always working an when we were not working all we had the energy to do was go on our computers. She started to get into the MMORPG and started to do her own thing on it. Before we we used only play it together. I was getting really bored of the same thing and she did not like anyone down there and I was feeling bad at thought she needed friends and people she could go off with and get out of the house. She also missed her family. I applied for a job in her county.

24-30: I got the job in her county we packed up and moved into a beautiful house and everything was looking up, we did not think her finding a job would be a big issue. My girlfriend was trying to play friend match up with myself and her best friends boyfriend. I had no issue with this at the start. There were a few plans that had fell through because of various reasons like not wanting to go out on the town as it's neither of our thing and she "had no clothes or anything nice". In this time when I was waiting for my "man date" I got to know about my future boyfriend. Unfortunately this was all negative. Her friend did not seem to have any interest in him and even my girlfriend said she takes advantage of him. I really don't like that sort of stuff so, I lost interest in even making any effort. I have no issue with her friends.

30-36: In all this time she did mange to get a job but it was to stressfull for her so she left it. We were having issues with her getting social welfare and things that way were getting worse. Her time on the MMORPG was getting longer. I tried to give her space. I really did. I would set watching series for hours hoping that she would finally get bored of been on her laptop/MMORPG and spend time with me. I would ask her to go off it for a while and she would say she didn't want to and why should she. I would sit next to her on while she was on her laptop for hours hoping she would just get off it. No matter what way I asked her, or how long I waited before asking her to come off it. Apparently I was in her face and not giving her space. She will not admit it or I don't think she can tell time when she is on it. But we are talking a minimum of 6 hours a day. I felt on wanted as I lay in bed myself at nights. I did not think she wanted to be with me and if she had the option to leave me she would have. I tried and tried. I had no idea what was going on in her head. So what I done, I know it was not my place but she was telling me nothing. I picked up her phone to see maybe if she was telling her friend how she was I could get an idea how she was feeling. She thinks I done this because I don't trust her, she was not outside the house to meet anyone so this is not why I done this. It was purely to see if she was talking to anyone. I was really hurt about what I seen, her and her friend were only talking negative stuff about their relationships. How I was annoying her and getting in her face. She did fail to mention to her friend how long she spends on her laptop. She barely talks to her, only when things are bad or she wants to vent about something. There was no defending me when her friend gave her opinions on me. Her friend was also in between(only using one for his car and money. To give you example she said "I will break up with him after my test because I need his car") guys so as you can imagine this is not someone I would want giving advise to my girlfriend. I could not look at this girl when she came in knowing what she was told and what she had been saying. As there was no indication that my girlfriend wanted to be with me from the mesages and just seemed to want out. I was upset and wanted to drive her out, I tried to drive back home a few times and stay there any time I left she wouldn't call me and say she missed me or anything. I started to remember how I was when I used play the MMORPG as much as she did, I told her that we needed to start getting out of the house and spend less time on the laptop. She would spend a night or two watching TV with me before going back on her laptop. I would try wait but still, it was going back to long hours and not going to bed. She deletes all her history from her browser. I could not take anymore, I just wanted her to tell me she hated me or she did not care. I started to get really aggressive, shuting at her, calling her names, trying to hurt her like she did to me(she can not understand that you can hurt someone by doing nothing, thats it's what you don't do). Again we would have big fight and make up but it would go back to the same thing. I told myself that I need to get it out of her whatever way I can, this turned to pulling her phone off her, her laptop and showing her what I had seen. I was trying to explain why I was so upset but she just could not get it. As this is her county and she had no job. She had somewhere to go so I wanted her out. This was the worst things have ever got. She actually finally got off her laptop. But she was going out on the town with her friend. She hates going out on the town apparently. I let her do her thing and tried to get on with it an be nice and maybe she will see she misses me, we were sleeping in separate rooms. She was out one night and didn't come home I was worried she told me before her friend leaves her on her own. She did not seem to care the relationship was ended. But I just couldn't believe it was true, so I snooped on her phone.. Only to see message from a guy she met on her night out. He was saying how she kept him warm, I could not read a lot of it because my eyes started to tier and my heart beat so fast I felt sick. She was actually telling him what a **** boyfriend and how crazy I was.

I scared myself, I grabbed her and told her tell me how she felt and to tell me finally she never cared about me. I asked if she met anyone when she was out and continued to say no.. I pulled the phone off her and started reading out the message. I would never hit her, but when she admitted kissed some and said she didn't care about me. I don't remember my hand flying past her head going into the plaster wall. I just remember standing with my hand bleeding and the big hole and plaster everywhere. I had no one down here, no one to turn to. Somehow I ended up talking to a girl I work with I found out she found had told someone else that she was mad about me. I started to talk to her a lot over text. I had no interest in her sexually, but I think the fact that I knew someone cared about me at that time ment a lot to me. We were texting for weeks. I was sick at the tought of my girlfriend. I thought I was ever going to speak to her again and she moved into her mothers.

We were talking how we were getting on but I told her that we should talk about work and only in work as I did not want my girlfriend to think there was anything going on. I was sitting at home when my phone rang and it was my girlfriend crying. I was asking her what was wrong and she told me how much she hated been in her mothers home (she also comes from broken home, just on her mothers side but it was the only place she could go). I did not want to give in and go pick her up because I thought she just didn't want to be in that house seen as not once did she say she missed me. She was only saying how horrible the place was. It killed me to see her so upset so I picked her up and we came back to the house. I wanted to comfort her an no more, I didn;t want her to cry anymore. I lay with her in my arms thinking about the other guy and how I'm going to get myself out of this situation. I forgot how soft and small she is in my arms. I started to think that I did not want to loose this. I didn't want her to move her stuff back in but she didn't want them in her mothers. I really did not want to do this so I told her that we would need to start getting out and doing stuff or it will never work. It again was not long before a lot of time was been spent on the laptop and the other guy anytime she was on her laptop and the thought of is she her for me or because she does not want to be in her mothers started to play on my mind. I started packing her stuff and basically kicking her out of the house. I want you to know. I was a complete ass hole. I was horrible, I would say anything just to hurt and I MEAN anything. If you are a girl, think about the worst things a partner could say.

36-42: She was in her mothers and we were meeting up the odd time and she was meeting up with me even though she had the option not to be around me so I believed she did care about me. She also came up with the idea that we just needed to get money behind us. We decided to move in with her mother and we done the room so we could just stay there and keep to ourselves as she knew how awkward I felt about been in that house. I was really happy she was making the effort without any of the nice stuff that the relationship gives us (house, car etc). We were doing a lot better, she wasn't on her laptop as much, we would go to bed same time and watch movies. (not fun, but is it watching movies the same waste of time as a game). Just best thing with watching a movie if theres nothing to watch, you might finally just get off your arse and do something where as with a game, "there is always something to do) but it's still doing nothing. I hated seen us in there and hated that she was doing nothing all day but cleaning her mothers mess and seen what must be very hard for her.

Because she was trying so hard with me I wanted to do something for her that I thought would still keep her off her laptop. I choose a house pretty much on her dad and friend door step, with the intention she would see her friend more and also her dad. Starting to be social with her friends, I was getting happier by the day I started feeling comfortable when her friend came over. unfortunately the house was damp and cold. She is really petite so this stuff effects her more than it would me. Things were better and because she is very petite, the cold would effect her more so I had got a loan for a bike I wanted but I used the money to forfeit the deposit I paid on that place.

We have Internet again and the laptop times are getting worse to be honest. But the worst part is now she has made a good friend on the game that she raids with. As soon as she logs on this guy will message her and they play the game together to all hours of the night. The are now talking on skype. I went to look on donedeal on her laptop but when I started the computer her skype conversation was open. They were talking about how many partners they had been with and he kept saying sexual stuff to her, he knows she has a boyfriend and I did see a message where she said to when of his comments my boyfriend is enough. He is always sending pictures to her, I don't know what of apparently his cat and such, he also turns on his web cam to she his cat but apparently she does not know what he looks like even though I told her I seen that she told him she was seaching him on facebook. She knows that I've been feeling rejected and a loan and she still stays up till 3am talking. She talks to him every day and also on her mobile phone through skype. The guy she talks to does not send 3 messages with the 4th at least been something like oh I'd love to cuddle you right now. She sends him faces like :rolleyes::eek: just stupid stuff or she says she tells him to shut up. I've always told her I get mad because she spends too much time on the laptop.

I'm sorry for how this is written, I'm not great at this stuff and hope you are not lost in all of this. I just want to know what you guys think. I never express or share stuff with anyone so I said I would try because I am truly .

I do love her and I believe that she does care about me too. I just think that she has an addiction to this game. I've asked her to try quit playing for a month or 2 and see if things get better. I've asked her this for a long time. I don't think she will and I believe if she does. She will be having withdrawals and hate me thinking that I'm not letting her do what she wants to do..

I've been trying to explain to her that an addiction is something that effects your work and the people around you. She was doing much better when she was not on it as much in her mothers and also in the country.

She know seems again like she does not want to try and says it's because of all the stuff I've done.

I am telling her if she ever cared about me or our relationship she would quit the game and give it a chance.

Am I crazy?

Lorna123 · 11-05-2013 2:36pm

That was very long OP, but it showed me that you are demented with this girl and I don't think you should stay with her. She doesn't appear to have any interest in life other than the internet and that's not good. As far as I can see this will never be a good situation for you. She is not fulfilling your needs. She is not a suitable partner for you. You need someone better, someone who will make an effort for you and treat you right. She is using you as a crutch to lean on while she amuses herself with other interests. I don't blame you getting angry with her but I don't think she is going to change. You need to break up with her and find someone more suitable to your kind nature. Get rid of her and don't take her back anymore. Sorry OP I don't think this is what you wanted to hear but you have put up with enough.

Stavro Mueller · 11-05-2013 2:46pm

Thankfully Chrome has a useful extension that reads out long posts like this

There was a LOT of information in there and I hope I've digested it properly.

This relationship sounds like it has been an awful lot of hard work. It hasn't brought the best out in either of you either. From your point of view, it has led to you punching holes in walls(!), having terrible terrible rows and plenty of heartache. I can't help but think either that you want this relationship far more than she does. You're the one who has been trying to please her but she has been throwing it back in your face.

RelationshipAd · 11-05-2013 2:51pm

Thank you for taken the time to read this. I've told myself this so many times, it is actually nice to hear it from someone else. I am a very closed person, I don't have anyone I can tell about this so I appreciate your advice.

Stavro Mueller · 11-05-2013 3:29pm

I read back through your post again - there is just so much to take in that it is easy to miss details. My overall impression is that this girl is with you now because she doesn't have anywhere else to go really. While she could be addicted to the online gaming etc., I also think that it's a convenient means of keeping you at bay.

RelationshipAd · 11-05-2013 4:02pm

I can hardly make sense of it myself. I did not want paint myself as the victim so I didn't want to leave anything out.

The worst part is I've known this for a long time. I keep telling myself otherwise. She says it's not just because she has no where else to go. But she never shows me otherwise.

I've acted like a complete psycho. I mean all day today I was following her around the house.... I read out this whole post to her because I don't think she can see how her gaming is affecting our relationship. She just said when I was done "and".

She has never shown me affection, why can't I walk away.. Because of my experience at home.. I've always vowed that the slightest hint of a bad relationship I'd be out the door. I analyze everything. You know like "if she walks past the room she doesn't care". I always thought everyone done that. She isn't. I could imagine thats hard to put up with.

She wont tell me whats happening. I've been asking her is she done, does she want it to end and she keeps telling me she does not want to talk about it. Three days now. It's been longer before. Then she does not understand when I tell her that I can only wait so long.

She says to me why would I be with someone that does what I done.. I been trying to tell I only done it because I've felt I was not wanted.

Just there I dropped her into town, first time she actually talked to me in 3 days. She will ring me for a lift back as well.

I couldn't imagine how hard this is for people that have children.

Thank you for taken you time.

RelationshipAd · 11-05-2013 4:07pm

Like I would not have done what I done if she just got up off that god damn laptop. Even if it was to spend time with her friend. I used be able to do nice things for her when she was working out of the house. Have dinner cooked, warm her PJ's. Chocolate desert.

I can't do anything like that because she does not leave the house. So how can I be a good boyfriend.

Like I don't want the relationship to end because what I've done, I wouldn't have done it if she went out of her way just a little.

Stavro Mueller · 11-05-2013 4:11pm

It's sad that you have nobody to talk to. Because from what you have written, you really really do need to let it all out to someone who's better equipped to deal with this than any of us here on the forum. Would you consider going to see a counsellor? I know you're saying you're a closed person etc. but from what you've written here you're ready to explode.

This girl is bringing out your inner psycho and I can't see it ending in anything other than tears. It's telling that at the end of the post you wrote, all she had to say was "and". That is not the actions of a woman who wants to change things. She's suiting herself. Notice how she broke her silence after 3 days because she wanted a lift? If she didn't want a lift she'd still be ignoring you.

Stavro Mueller · 11-05-2013 4:14pm

RelationshipAd wrote: »

Like I would not have done what I done if she just got up off that god damn laptop. Even if it was to spend time with her friend. I used be able to do nice things for her when she was working out of the house. Have dinner cooked, warm her PJ's. Chocolate desert.

I can't do anything like that because she does not leave the house. So how can I be a good boyfriend.

Like I don't want the relationship to end because what I've done, I wouldn't have done it if she went out of her way just a little.

The laptop is a red herring. It is not to blame for all that is wrong with this relationship. You and her don't work together very well any more. Maybe you never did but you were too loved up to see it. In fact you are still too loved up to see it.

You have tried to be a good boyfriend but a relationship is a two way street. You're doing all these things to be nice to her but what are you getting in return? Exactly!

Seanafitz · 11-05-2013 4:27pm

RelationshipAd wrote: »

Hi all,

This might be a long one so thank you if your taken the time to read this. I want to start from the beginning because thats where it started :eek: . I'm asking here because I don't believe in taken friends and family's advise on this sort of thing because they are not neutral and are not always told the whole thing.

We met online about 5 years ago, we were living in different counties and used to chat every night. I was in college at the time and she was living with her mother. A couple of weeks after we met she got a job. We decided that I should also try and get a job down there and move in together a long with a new friend she had made in work. Neither of us were truly happy where we were and it was also a plus that we got out of that situation.

Things were great when I moved down to her county. We were both making friends and able to talk and meet new people as a couple. I suppose like any young couple we didn't do a lot. Such as go on holiday and this stuff as we could not afford it. We just mainly met with friends and family and done our own thing outside of the house. We never had an argument.

3-4 months: The person we were living with was not working out. She was sleeping with a few different people even though she was in a relationship. She had also expressed to my girlfriend that she thought she had got HIV. Because we did not know who was in our out of the house and what possible things she could get infected with if she was been this careless. We asked her to move out, well, I had to ask her. My girlfriend did not want to have to tell her so I had to do all the dirty work and on my own be the one that told her how it was. I felt this was all put on my shoulders to sort out. My girlfriend would try to avoid her and not mention it if the were talking. I felt like I was the bad guy.

5-6 months: We were worried how we were going to pay the bills so and I was also missing having my best friend with me. He was stuck at home doing nothing with himself and I thought that I have away to get my friend, help him out and help myself out. He had no driving license but had a car. His car was worth about 800euro but I gave him 1000euro and explained that I would mind his car till he gets money together to buy it back when he got his license. It was not a week into things before my girlfriend started to give out to me about him. I need to point out it was ME she was giving out to and not him. It was small things, like his always on his xbox, theres hairs on the toilet sit. His lazy, etc, etc. For me this was very stressfull, I didn't want her to be upset but I wanted my friend to be comfortable. With the stress, I handled the situation poorly. I barely spoke to him, only when I had to give out to him. We decided that it might be a good idea to just get out of renting and move in with my mother in my county. I dropped the ball on my friend like a punch in the face. Short notice, (We're living end of the month, go home stay here whatever you want) clearly we knew he could afford to pay for the place on his own.

6-12: To sum it up with speaking about this to much, I come from what I suppose you would call a broken home. Abusive father and a mother with a bit of a drinking problem. I explained this before we moved down and because my mother is hardly ever there we thought it wouldn't be too bad. I told when my mam comes back from pub she will usually just stagger up stairs making noises and not disturb us too much. However, I don't really remember how things got so bad. But I could imagine from my mams point of view that we were taken over her home when we came with beds and hammers to do up our little space. Lets be honest. It was an incredible stupid idea. Again stress got the better of me I was so angry at my mother for not making my girlfriend feel welcome. I went to her local, screemed at them all calling the alcoholics and punched a hole in my mothers wall. I then rang my sister and asked her for a loan of 850 or 750 I think so we could pay for deposit. I'm not much of talker and my sisters live in other counties. She had no idea what was going on and never met my girlfriend. My sister gave me the money, I would not return anyones calls so the sister that gave me the money rang me. As you can imagine it was a lot of drama and I was never the one to cause that in the family, my sister not knowing who my girlfriend was said she was selfish bla,bla and she over heard this and locked herself in the bathroom. I cut my family out for about 6-7 months.

12-18: I lost my job with cut backs and I was trying everything even stuff I hated, door to door sales. I was so unhappy. I hated that I was out of work, when at home I spent a lot of time on my computer. Started playing an MMORPG (multiplayer online role-playing game) Some of you might have any idea what game i'm talking about. For anyone else, this is basically a computer game where you interact. It's the kind of game that the best player is the one that puts more time into. It takes up A LOT of time. I was all up for the idea of my girlfriend playing this with me. Always said it when was younger such a cool thing. We played it once a week for like 30mnutes half hour. I did not play when she was home and didn't want to pay. I would feel bad even if she didn't mind. When we were in my county we had no friends. Her friends from here never could really make it down. When she went home for weekend I didn't always go because I didn't want to be standing around when she was talking to her friend. I thought it was better that she got a chance to be with her friends without me clung to here for the weekend.

18-24: I finally got a stable job again and we moved to a cheaper place. We were always working an when we were not working all we had the energy to do was go on our computers. She started to get into the MMORPG and started to do her own thing on it. Before we we used only play it together. I was getting really bored of the same thing and she did not like anyone down there and I was feeling bad at thought she needed friends and people she could go off with and get out of the house. She also missed her family. I applied for a job in her county.

24-30: I got the job in her county we packed up and moved into a beautiful house and everything was looking up, we did not think her finding a job would be a big issue. My girlfriend was trying to play friend match up with myself and her best friends boyfriend. I had no issue with this at the start. There were a few plans that had fell through because of various reasons like not wanting to go out on the town as it's neither of our thing and she "had no clothes or anything nice". In this time when I was waiting for my "man date" I got to know about my future boyfriend. Unfortunately this was all negative. Her friend did not seem to have any interest in him and even my girlfriend said she takes advantage of him. I really don't like that sort of stuff so, I lost interest in even making any effort. I have no issue with her friends.

30-36: In all this time she did mange to get a job but it was to stressfull for her so she left it. We were having issues with her getting social welfare and things that way were getting worse. Her time on the MMORPG was getting longer. I tried to give her space. I really did. I would set watching series for hours hoping that she would finally get bored of been on her laptop/MMORPG and spend time with me. I would ask her to go off it for a while and she would say she didn't want to and why should she. I would sit next to her on while she was on her laptop for hours hoping she would just get off it. No matter what way I asked her, or how long I waited before asking her to come off it. Apparently I was in her face and not giving her space. She will not admit it or I don't think she can tell time when she is on it. But we are talking a minimum of 6 hours a day. I felt on wanted as I lay in bed myself at nights. I did not think she wanted to be with me and if she had the option to leave me she would have. I tried and tried. I had no idea what was going on in her head. So what I done, I know it was not my place but she was telling me nothing. I picked up her phone to see maybe if she was telling her friend how she was I could get an idea how she was feeling. She thinks I done this because I don't trust her, she was not outside the house to meet anyone so this is not why I done this. It was purely to see if she was talking to anyone. I was really hurt about what I seen, her and her friend were only talking negative stuff about their relationships. How I was annoying her and getting in her face. She did fail to mention to her friend how long she spends on her laptop. She barely talks to her, only when things are bad or she wants to vent about something. There was no defending me when her friend gave her opinions on me. Her friend was also in between(only using one for his car and money. To give you example she said "I will break up with him after my test because I need his car") guys so as you can imagine this is not someone I would want giving advise to my girlfriend. I could not look at this girl when she came in knowing what she was told and what she had been saying. As there was no indication that my girlfriend wanted to be with me from the mesages and just seemed to want out. I was upset and wanted to drive her out, I tried to drive back home a few times and stay there any time I left she wouldn't call me and say she missed me or anything. I started to remember how I was when I used play the MMORPG as much as she did, I told her that we needed to start getting out of the house and spend less time on the laptop. She would spend a night or two watching TV with me before going back on her laptop. I would try wait but still, it was going back to long hours and not going to bed. She deletes all her history from her browser. I could not take anymore, I just wanted her to tell me she hated me or she did not care. I started to get really aggressive, shuting at her, calling her names, trying to hurt her like she did to me(she can not understand that you can hurt someone by doing nothing, thats it's what you don't do). Again we would have big fight and make up but it would go back to the same thing. I told myself that I need to get it out of her whatever way I can, this turned to pulling her phone off her, her laptop and showing her what I had seen. I was trying to explain why I was so upset but she just could not get it. As this is her county and she had no job. She had somewhere to go so I wanted her out. This was the worst things have ever got. She actually finally got off her laptop. But she was going out on the town with her friend. She hates going out on the town apparently. I let her do her thing and tried to get on with it an be nice and maybe she will see she misses me, we were sleeping in separate rooms. She was out one night and didn't come home I was worried she told me before her friend leaves her on her own. She did not seem to care the relationship was ended. But I just couldn't believe it was true, so I snooped on her phone.. Only to see message from a guy she met on her night out. He was saying how she kept him warm, I could not read a lot of it because my eyes started to tier and my heart beat so fast I felt sick. She was actually telling him what a **** boyfriend and how crazy I was.

I scared myself, I grabbed her and told her tell me how she felt and to tell me finally she never cared about me. I asked if she met anyone when she was out and continued to say no.. I pulled the phone off her and started reading out the message. I would never hit her, but when she admitted kissed some and said she didn't care about me. I don't remember my hand flying past her head going into the plaster wall. I just remember standing with my hand bleeding and the big hole and plaster everywhere. I had no one down here, no one to turn to. Somehow I ended up talking to a girl I work with I found out she found had told someone else that she was mad about me. I started to talk to her a lot over text. I had no interest in her sexually, but I think the fact that I knew someone cared about me at that time ment a lot to me. We were texting for weeks. I was sick at the tought of my girlfriend. I thought I was ever going to speak to her again and she moved into her mothers.

We were talking how we were getting on but I told her that we should talk about work and only in work as I did not want my girlfriend to think there was anything going on. I was sitting at home when my phone rang and it was my girlfriend crying. I was asking her what was wrong and she told me how much she hated been in her mothers home (she also comes from broken home, just on her mothers side but it was the only place she could go). I did not want to give in and go pick her up because I thought she just didn't want to be in that house seen as not once did she say she missed me. She was only saying how horrible the place was. It killed me to see her so upset so I picked her up and we came back to the house. I wanted to comfort her an no more, I didn;t want her to cry anymore. I lay with her in my arms thinking about the other guy and how I'm going to get myself out of this situation. I forgot how soft and small she is in my arms. I started to think that I did not want to loose this. I didn't want her to move her stuff back in but she didn't want them in her mothers. I really did not want to do this so I told her that we would need to start getting out and doing stuff or it will never work. It again was not long before a lot of time was been spent on the laptop and the other guy anytime she was on her laptop and the thought of is she her for me or because she does not want to be in her mothers started to play on my mind. I started packing her stuff and basically kicking her out of the house. I want you to know. I was a complete ass hole. I was horrible, I would say anything just to hurt and I MEAN anything. If you are a girl, think about the worst things a partner could say.

36-42: She was in her mothers and we were meeting up the odd time and she was meeting up with me even though she had the option not to be around me so I believed she did care about me. She also came up with the idea that we just needed to get money behind us. We decided to move in with her mother and we done the room so we could just stay there and keep to ourselves as she knew how awkward I felt about been in that house. I was really happy she was making the effort without any of the nice stuff that the relationship gives us (house, car etc). We were doing a lot better, she wasn't on her laptop as much, we would go to bed same time and watch movies. (not fun, but is it watching movies the same waste of time as a game). Just best thing with watching a movie if theres nothing to watch, you might finally just get off your arse and do something where as with a game, "there is always something to do) but it's still doing nothing. I hated seen us in there and hated that she was doing nothing all day but cleaning her mothers mess and seen what must be very hard for her.

Because she was trying so hard with me I wanted to do something for her that I thought would still keep her off her laptop. I choose a house pretty much on her dad and friend door step, with the intention she would see her friend more and also her dad. Starting to be social with her friends, I was getting happier by the day I started feeling comfortable when her friend came over. unfortunately the house was damp and cold. She is really petite so this stuff effects her more than it would me. Things were better and because she is very petite, the cold would effect her more so I had got a loan for a bike I wanted but I used the money to forfeit the deposit I paid on that place.

We have Internet again and the laptop times are getting worse to be honest. But the worst part is now she has made a good friend on the game that she raids with. As soon as she logs on this guy will message her and they play the game together to all hours of the night. The are now talking on skype. I went to look on donedeal on her laptop but when I started the computer her skype conversation was open. They were talking about how many partners they had been with and he kept saying sexual stuff to her, he knows she has a boyfriend and I did see a message where she said to when of his comments my boyfriend is enough. He is always sending pictures to her, I don't know what of apparently his cat and such, he also turns on his web cam to she his cat but apparently she does not know what he looks like even though I told her I seen that she told him she was seaching him on facebook. She knows that I've been feeling rejected and a loan and she still stays up till 3am talking. She talks to him every day and also on her mobile phone through skype. The guy she talks to does not send 3 messages with the 4th at least been something like oh I'd love to cuddle you right now. She sends him faces like :rolleyes::eek: just stupid stuff or she says she tells him to shut up. I've always told her I get mad because she spends too much time on the laptop.

I'm sorry for how this is written, I'm not great at this stuff and hope you are not lost in all of this. I just want to know what you guys think. I never express or share stuff with anyone so I said I would try because I am truly .

I do love her and I believe that she does care about me too. I just think that she has an addiction to this game. I've asked her to try quit playing for a month or 2 and see if things get better. I've asked her this for a long time. I don't think she will and I believe if she does. She will be having withdrawals and hate me thinking that I'm not letting her do what she wants to do..

I've been trying to explain to her that an addiction is something that effects your work and the people around you. She was doing much better when she was not on it as much in her mothers and also in the country.

She know seems again like she does not want to try and says it's because of all the stuff I've done.

I am telling her if she ever cared about me or our relationship she would quit the game and give it a chance.

Am I crazy?

No your not crazy but dump the B****
She's clearly a C***

Lorna123 · 11-05-2013 5:38pm

Op I think it is time you hardened up a bit. Your g/f is taking advantage of you. You are too nice to her and she doesn't appreciate it. I don't like the sound of her at all. She has no consideration for your feelings. She knows you are hurting and she is doing nothing to ease the pain, just carrying on doing what she wants to do oblivious to how you feel.

Don't let her walk all over you because she will, and this will only lead to her having more and more disrespect for you. Don't show her this post, you need to keep something private for yourself. She doesn't have to know every single thing you do and think. You are giving her ammunition by letting her see everything you are doing and she will be ready for you with a smart answer because she is fore armed. In order to get respect back from her you need to lay down the law a bit more. She either shapes up or ships out, and that's it. Ask her what she is prepared to do to save this relationship and give her a time frame to come back to you on this. If she can't do that much then get rid. Best of Luck Op and come on here anytime you need help.

December2012 · 11-05-2013 6:01pm

Sometimes it's best to just call a spade a spade.

This is a mal functioning relationship.

I think you should go talk to a counsellor and talk out all your thoughts. I mean you solely, I don't think she'll go and you, my friend, need help to deal with your frustration.

ElleEm · 11-05-2013 7:20pm

RelationshipAd wrote: »

I've been asking her is she done, does she want it to end and she keeps telling me she does not want to talk about it.

This girl does not want to be with you. She cheated on you, and is having inappropriate conversations with other lads and she doesn't want to spend ANY time with you.

You are checking her computer history and texts, which is so out of order, but I can see why you are doing it. You don't trust her- a relationship is nothing without trust.

Why would you CHOOSE to be with this girl? Where is the love, companionship, fun and happiness? She is clearly wrecking your head. The fact that you felt the need to post every stage of your relationship (a lot of it completely irrelevant) shows that you have consistently had a lot of issues. You, personally, have clear anger issues. You can't go punching holes in walls! You should get in contact with a counsellor for yourself and work on your anger and repairing your self esteem. Five years is far too long for you to have spent on a girl who has no respect for you.

Sleepy · 12-05-2013 12:09pm

OP, you're her meal ticket. That's what she cares about, not you.

StillWaters · 14-05-2013 7:02am

OP I really think you need to get help for you temper. There is no justification for smashing holes in Walls in being violent to either your partner or your mother.

itsmichelle · 14-05-2013 3:56pm

Its time for an ultimatum. Put your foot down. Tell her to get off her lazy ass and go get a job and throw her laptop in the bin and get counselling for her addiction or you are leaving her and you are not coming back.

I think she is cheating with this cyberspace man. Emotionally and mentally cheating and she could be sexting him etc too. On that basis alone-you should just dump her

RelationshipAd · 14-05-2013 11:35pm

Thank you all for your opinions on the situation. I know I've done so much wrong in this relationship myself. I've only ever lashed out under extreme situations. The time I put the hole in the wall I was just after finding out she was with another person. Every thought went through my head. I had no friends to run to and talk it out with. Trust me, as much anger I felt or how much it may have scared her. I felt 100 times worse afterwards because what I had done. I should have just walked away and accepted it.

The "cyberman" as much as it really annoys me, from what I seen she never talks sexually to him. However, ever sentence he sends seems to be of a really sexual vile nature. Like "oh, get in my bed. I'm hard". She ignores or tells him shut up. She is not really the type that would entertain anyone speaking like this. It would usually disgust her. I don't understand why she does not block him. This is his way of joking, so whats so interesting that you would even put up with it. He talks about how he has "so many girls" and how some "are now pregnant" guest really stupid stuff. He helps her on the game? Maybe it's because I am so bad this seems better? I really don't know.

She tells her friend about how she is feeling and what I have done. I honestly don't believe she tells her friend about the game or this other guy. Before I got her into playing the game she thought it was so stupid and anyone on it was usually idiots. When we used speak to guild members, she has never liked any other female players. "They were all sad". I think she would be embarrassed for her friend to know how long she plays on it, if even she knows she plays it really.

I know, I know. The laptop is along with most of it, red herring as cymbaline said. It's just that I so want to believe that she does love me. I'm not right for her though, I try giving her advise on problems she is having, maybe I "get too into it" maybe all she wants me to do is listen and say nothing and agree that "yeah thats ****". I am just trying to help and she gets mad at me and snaps as if I'm not after understanding her. I try look at stuff from all sides. Maybe I would be better been simple minded like the guy on the game, agree and then insult her?

I know some of you think I'm crazy... Maybe I am gone crazy, I know the answers to all of this myself. This is helping me though, I am writing as I talk to myself in my head. It makes it worse when you feel like it's only you that knows how you feel. This may be the reason I punched a hole in the wall. I will never let that happen again. I miss my best friend, I am going to help myself by going to college and hopefully making new friends and putting my mind on something I enjoy not to focus on all negative.

There is nothing positive in both our lives at the moment and I would hate that this is the reason we are unable to get to know each other and enjoy each others company.

Thank you for listening *reading

Stavro Mueller · 15-05-2013 7:53am

Look. You can analyse this relationship to death til the cows come home. It's unhealthy, it's on its uppers and she doesn't love you. But unless you make changes yourself you'll still be torturing yourself in a years time and she will most likely still be at that laptop ignoring you.

She doesn't want to get to know you. She doesn't want to spend time with you. The sooner that sinks into your head the better. Who cares what she is or isn't saying to that online guy. He's giving her something she doesn't want from you. She won't give you what you want - a happy loving relationship. I've no doubt she knows where you stand but she is never going to be the girl you wish she was.

You need to work on yourself. I still think you should go see a counsellor and unload. It's great that this board has been here to help you but it's not a real person. It's good though that you're mentioning college. Your world has become far too small and is orbiting around this girl.

itsmichelle · 15-05-2013 1:08pm

It doesnt even matter that she tells him to shut up OP. Its inappropriate to be talking to him while she is with you. She is an attention whore and you should just get rid of her

Advise for me and her (5years)

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