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10-05-2013 11:15pm#1After months of waiting I've started to have my appointments with a CBT counsellor for my problems with social anxiety, lack of friends, and low moods.
I've been set a number of tasks - all of which I feel that I can comfortably achieve, apart from one.
I was asked to think of some clubs/societies/activities which I could join as a way of getting out into the world.
Honestly, I can't actually think of anything. I like going to the gym, but not group activities. I like movies, but not discussion of them.
I'm struggling to think of anything. I've got very few interests (don't really drink, nor dance, nor whatever else). My mind has frozen and it won't let me think of anything I like to try.
What could I do? I'm a bloke in my 30's and work on a standard pattern. I just can't think of anything to do or try. I feel like such an eejit
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Hi OP
it all depends on the purpose you have been set.
If it's to socialise and mix with other people then this will shape things. Here are a few suggestions.
My best bet would be to try a few, you don't have to commit to one just mix a few around until you find something that interests you.
1. Jogging - take it slowly, use the couch to 5k approach, but set a target, there are many 5 and 10 k runs around the place. However there are also running groups around the country that are invaluable on training advice and where you can mix as well while you run. In my work a few of us started jogging at lunch, now there are whole groups that go out and many of us even travel to run races during the season. Nice to see the impact of the training on fitness and great to share tips on training as opposed to who won what match at the weekend or who is paying the household charge.
2. Hiking - again many hiking/walking groups around the place. Many just involve a few hours at the weekend on a route or more. Useful for picking up map reading skills.
3. Orienteering - knew someone who did this competitively, not the most social of folk but he turned into a different guy doing this.
4. Horse riding - can be expensive or as cheap as a lesson or two.
5. Mountain biking - again there are groups out there or you can just head out yourself. Advise you go out with some of the training groups you see them on the forums here around this time of year setting up beginner sessions, keep meaning to join them.
6. Road biking/racing - again loads of groups out there - you can talk as much as you want or stay quiet to focus on the cycling...
7. Kayaking - Sea/River - used to do sea kayaking - trust me nothing like it, again you can do weekend lessons. There were people out there who for months said hardly anything but as their confidence and enjoyment of it improved slowly came out of their shells, can honestly say met some really amazing people doing that - and of course you will still get one or two idiots but thats life.
See - these are just a few - there are bound to be more around you - build up a list. You don't have to commit to just doing one or two and thats it - but you can try a few.
Some though might take a little bit of time for you to click to the activity but after a few weeks or months you will just find that you are really loving it and your confidence will start to improve. Think outside the box, try something that you would never have normally considered, sometimes it is the odd or different activity where you will find you natural skills. And in most of these groups there are some really great people out there, for me with kayaking I really did meet some great folk, and talk about a mix of backgrounds - from solicitors, to authors, to tech guys to some really scary but genuinely nice people if that makes sense
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Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.
I've found a group at my gym for doing exercises so it is something that interests me and maybe I'll get someone to exercise with out of it, we'll see. At least it might help me make me use my time in gym more efficiently freeing up some valuable evening time for other activities.
In regards to the suggestions, thanks to you both. I need to look and see what is near me. Gun club sounds interesting. My counsellor suggested cycling or running. Running is not an option for me, but cycling is something I might look at more - even though I don't have a suitable bike.
I feel like I'm making excuses, but even as I type I know that as much as I want to get out there I know I'll try to find reasons/excuses not to. I don't know why as I relaise that I need to do this, but I'm not willing/scared/too lazy to get up and do it. 0 -
Great suggestions above. Don't worry that you're scared/lazy about doing it. That is the point of the therapy. Take it slowly, THINK of clubs you might like joining. Then take the next small step. You don't need to fling yourself into Black Belt Ju Jitsu on day one!
You're doing great, you're getting help and you're asking around here. That is ALL positive. Take it easy on yourself and relax into these things. It might not seem it but you've already made some brilliant steps in the right direction!0 -
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Unfortunately the challenges were far from difficult - go to bed a bit earlier, have a coffee in a coffe shop, and look into some clubs and print some stuff off to go through at next session. Failed all of them. Any eejit could do these things. I could rush and try to do something over the weekend, but I'll not be able to as I have other things I need to do.
I know I could google clubs now instead of writing this, but motivation is nil.
Listen they may seem easy tasks to you, but obviously where you are now they are not. Let me put it this way: Everest is a pretty easy mountain to climb in and of itself, however, at the altitutde it is at it becomes an absolutely massive task. You are currently at high altitude and these thing will take more work until you slowly acclimatise.
I understand your frustration, and I have shared it many times myself. Hell I'm sure it will happen me again. The only slight difference between you and I is that I've come through it a few times so I know that it's going to be ok. You really have to be kinder to yourself. Saying any eejit can do it is just knocking yourself down. A little frustration can be good for motivation, but you are using it to beat yourself down. And that is OK too! Seriously, you can accpet that it is happening and slowly address it.
You are making progress. Unfortunately, there is no quick snap of the fingers cure for these things. It is slow, and sometimes you don't see the progress. You need to take slow steady steps. Achieving little things builds your confidence. Failing and knowing that that's ok too is an even better attitude but takes time.
I'm not over all these things, I'm just a few steps further down the path from you looking back encouraging you along. It DOES get better. I didn't believe that either, and it took a long time to see the improvements.
Stick with it OP, please do and please remember it's ok to cock up. We all do it! By 7 today I'll have put my foot in my mouth at least once and freaked out about having to do something that seems like 'any eejit could dot it.' You know what? That's ok, I'll get it sorted!
Stay on here if you want to talk at all, keep seeing your CBT councellor, they do this for a living. They've helped before and they can help you.
One of the biggest insights I had was when a psychologist got annoyed at someone and said 'look, I've heard all this, I've done this many times and I can absolutely help with this, let me do my job.' It was BRILLIANT. It was said with absolute certainty and professional confidence. It made me realise that nobody is completely broken and the sheer fact we care OP shows that nobody suffers alone. We are ALL rooting for you, and many of us can more than empathise with you!0 -
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How about a spot of astronomy? That's someting I'm dying to get into myself. Low pressure too I'd imagine, everyone there is enthusiastic.
Maybe pick up a musical instrument. I've been meaning to get back into the guitar myself. It's rewarding and theraputic sometimes!
Maybe a philosophy group if that's your thing? There's a few around.
I'm not sure about dating sites, they can be great but I think that's jumping in the deep end a little? Don't worry about being naive, I'm 11 years in a relationship and I don't have a bloody clue still to this day!
Would you consider a martial art? Not necessarily a 'fighting' one but something like Aikido or Tai Chi could have benefits and like minded individuals. Thinking of this myself.
Meditation? There's groups for that too.
I'm thinking out loud here as I need to do something myself to get me out and about more. I really believe self esteem and confidence will come in time. You get something wrong ten times but then you get it right, and you learn it and you feel damn good about that. Whatever it may be.
I have to say your attitude is brilliant. I know how these things can beat you up and undermine you so much, but you've got your head high. I sincerely believe you'll kick this thing's ass!
Stick with it, and remember any little victory should be celebrated. It's a random example, but every week when I went and did a course I would treat myself to a sub and an ice cream!! Silly maybe but it should apply to all the little things you achieve. Be proud!0 -
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Well, I was out at the weekend and it was tough for me. My mates kept trying to pair me up with people and I was getting really streeesed as my conversation skills are crap. I literally ran away from a few situations
In one instance there was a girl I liked but I just could not think of any thing to say to her. I felt so bad (and still do) as she seemed interested (I think) but I could not initiate any conversation. Gutted that she thinks I'm an eejit or that there is something wrong with her. When I finally plucked up the courage I couldn't find her
The whole night was really stressful at times and their good intentions made me feel really inferior, useless, and less of a man. It made me realise that I've missed many years of fun, socialising out and about and also relationships/conversations/physical contact with the opposite sex.
I was very anxious trying to avoid situations and my mind was constantly racing trying to think up of things to say.
I'm still gutted about that girl. I screwed up, but it upsets me even more that she might feel down because I didn't approach (even though she was told I would). I fell realy bad for her because I'm such a dick
Will I ever overcome my issues - the clock is ticking and I can't even bring myself to say hello to a girl.0 -
You are putting too much pressure on yourself.
Even if you were 100% better, and in great form, It is entirely possible to make a total mess of talking to girls on a night out! Don't worry about her I'm sure she'll be ok, and if it is someone you'll meet again there is no harm in saying you froze up (because she's gorgeous and you got nervous
) You weren't being a dick. Can anyone here say they haven't made an utter shambles of trying to chat someone up at the best of times? I doubt there is many!
I know meeting someone is important, but being put under too much duress and pressure is not going to help over all.
Will you ever overcome your issues: YES YOU WILL! YOU DAMN WELL BLOODY WILL KICK THE LIVING BEJAYSUS OUT OF THIS. BUT, you have to give yourself time, and space and forgiveness.
I'm guilty of this at the moment myself. Focus on one negative and drag myself down with it like a stone around my neck. It doesn't help. You need to work on YOURSELF slowly, patiently and lovingly. The other things follow after that. You can't get all the stuff you want and then work on getting better!
Seriously though, you did good on the night out. It probably doesn't feel that way but you faced things and you're here talking about it. That's more than most.
I cannot stress enough how you need to be kinder to yourself. You deserve it. You'll only see things from another perspective given time.
You're not less of a man at all too. The real sign of a "man" or a "woman" for that matter, is standing in the face of a horrible storm like this and braving it. You're fighting and that's great. We all get beaten down onto our knees eventually. Everyone gets tired, sick, upset and just shattered.
You're in a dark, scary, frustrating place and you're reaching out. That's brave and admirable. Keep it up man, but remember you can't just sanp your fingers and be better. Progress can be slow and inexorable. At times I feel I'm crawling with my fingernails, but you have to keep it up. When you look back you can see the view below you and the progress made.0 -
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Thanks for the comments. I still feel really down about it. Actually I'm probably more worried about the girl than myself. She seemed really nice and I did like her, but I bottled it and feel ****. I don;t know how she feels but I spotted herafterwards outside and she was alone waiting for her friends. I just wished I approached her. I feel really really bad.
I'll not see her again as I was somewhere on a trip.
I am also annoyed at myself for not being able to chat to people. My mind goes blank, can't think of things to say, panic sets in and the stress increases - never ending circle.
I can't see a way out of this especially as I've no friends so an outing like this is a rare thing. At my age chances like are slim on the ground.
There were pluses to thsi, but my inability to chat to girls was noticed and commented on 0 -
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I thought the mods had decided not to post this for me - thanks for putting it up!
No, I'm not happy to continue like this. However, I am on a downer at the minute. I haven't taken and AD's for years - and I don't want to.but are you happy to live the rest if your days like this?
I can't seem to make myself actually do anything. I have no energy nor motivation - even to go to gym - which is something I loved doing previously. I can't look forward as I'm too busy looking ruefully back at all my wasted years, robbed by a lack of confidence and depression.
Thanks, good advice and I'll try to remember that. I just seem unable to get into that position.Just take one task at a time. Always remember that if you go somewhere and you hate it or cant hack it - you can leave. You are the one in control, remember that.
My homework this week is to contact some clubs, go to cinema and start chatting to some people at gym classes.
1. Contact clubs - partial. Emailed none and joined some groups on meet-up. However, in my heart of hearts I don't think I'll ever attend anything
2. Cinema - not done
3. Chat at gym - partial. Spoke to a few one day. Been too tired and lacking motivation to go back. I'd call that a failure
Totally fed up and embarassed with my self. I feel like the worlds biggest idiot orsome type of freak...
Thanks for the replies. The advice is appreciated and I try to take it all on board.0 -
This to me is glass half empty / glass half full. The point of the exercise is for you to move outside of your comfort zone. In my mind you have done this. So I would mark this as a success.1. Contact clubs - partial. Emailed none and joined some groups on meet-up. However, in my heart of hearts I don't think I'll ever attend anything
Let's forget about degrees or anything like that but you have reach out and made contact with groups.
Whether you go along or not is a different topic and in my mind a completely different task (I am all about breaking any problem down to its component tasks and just focussing on the lowest common denominator).
So - take a step back, look at where you were when you started this thread.
a) You have now identified some groups you have an interest in - Brilliant.
b) You took the further step of reaching out an making initial contact - Again brilliant, totally the right thing to do.
c) What comes next? That is up to you and your counsellor, but right now this minute in terms of clubs/activities you have already made some really good progress. Focus on the positive here, believe it or not you have done more on this one topic than you felt or believed you could just a few scant weeks ago...
In fairness until Superman comes out what's out there...2. Cinema - not done
Again back to basics.
a) What movie do you really want to see?
b) What times is it shown at?
c) What time will have a level of attendance you will be most comfortable sitting in? - i.e. which time will be packed with kids screaming (either in the cinema / lobby) or will be quiet enough that you can just slip in, watch the movie (with maybe some minstrels) and slip out whenever you want, no-one said you should stay for the whole movie, it's all about small steps. Each step tests your boundaries - but should never stress them in a way that sets you up for failure. Each and every small step should increase your confidence - but from above you need to learn that it is OK to view some of these steps as the successes they are and stop viewing them as failures. Remember just break it down, plan out each step and just focus on the current activity - eg what movie > where is it on > when is it on > what time suits me best > how to get there > etc
Hold on again - what story are you telling yourself???3. Chat at gym - partial. Spoke to a few one day. Been too tired and lacking motivation to go back. I'd call that a failure
a) went to gym - success
b) Spoke to some people - success
c) too tired / motivation to go back - natural reaction to maybe overdoing it, fact is you went to the gym and spoke to people, whether it was once or twenty times - you have accomplished something here. Try to repeat it next week, just focus on going to the gym, don't force yourself to talk to people - just go and do your workout - just nod or acknowledge say the instructors as you go in but get back and slowly build a routine again.
Think back to how you felt as you were exercising regularly, the initial aches, the feeling that you had accomplished something, the pride after a few weeks of not being as sore any more and then pushing yourself a little more to feel that ache again... Who knows if you just focus on going to the gym once a week for a while, you can build it to twice a week and then in a month or two see about taking one of their free classes, getting yourself more conditioned and liking the effect it has on your body and moods...
I did a course a few years ago called I think "crucial conversations" - in that I learnt a lot about the stories we tell ourselves and of the course that is the thing that stuck most with me, and something I have to keep reminding myself of as it is an area I keep falling down on. Basically in our experience of anything, from an event through to an argument or discussion there is a point in what we are experiencing where we tell ourselves What it is we are experiencing. Some of us see things maybe just a small bit differently from others, maybe a little more grey instead of green that really impacts how we end up interpreting what has just happened which in turn impacts how we react to the situation and unfortunately how we approach the same situation next time it happens. The trick seems to be to learn when this interpretation starts with you, stopping it and telling yourself the new "better" story. This new story directly affects how you then feel and react to that situation, better setting you up for success the next time it or something similar happens.
Just look back at what I consider your great successes and figure out where it is you convinced yourself you failed when to my mind you actually succeeded quite considerably...0 -
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Red, you seem to have trouble remembering or reminding yourself of the positive steps you have taken. Maybe you view them as too small in contract to how far you have to go, I don't know.
Would it help to keep a physical reminder of each positive thing you do? For example, get a big, empty, clear jar. Every time you do something positive like make a phone call to a club, chat to someone at the gym, go to the cinema...write it down on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in the jar. Forget about it if you want to but every time you think you are getting nowhere look at how many pieces of paper are in the jar. Take them out and read them if it helps.
I am currently doing this for the year with all the happy things that happen, little things that mean a lot but you might forget about them. At the end of the year I hope to have a nice hour or two to myself going through the jar and remembering what I have done through the year - I usually find New Year's Eve incredibly stressful so hopefully this will help me 0 -
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After months of waiting I've started to have my appointments with a CBT counsellor for my problems with social anxiety, lack of friends, and low moods.
I've been set a number of tasks - all of which I feel that I can comfortably achieve, apart from one.
I was asked to think of some clubs/societies/activities which I could join as a way of getting out into the world.
Honestly, I can't actually think of anything. I like going to the gym, but not group activities. I like movies, but not discussion of them.
I'm struggling to think of anything. I've got very few interests (don't really drink, nor dance, nor whatever else). My mind has frozen and it won't let me think of anything I like to try.
What could I do? I'm a bloke in my 30's and work on a standard pattern. I just can't think of anything to do or try. I feel like such an eejit
OP, I've been there. You feel you are lacking friends and all anyone says is "Join a group"... oh great, never thought of that, right?!?!
But nowadays things are a little different for me. The truth is... whatever the group is... it really doesn't matter. The actual activity isn't important and that's where these so called "councellors" and "therapists" get it all wrong. They spew the same garbage advice to EVERYONE no matter what their problems.
What joining a group does is helps you interact with people. You get out there, you're forced to talk and get involved in whatever it is. You make friends that way and even if the group isn't right for you and you don't make life long friends, the social interactions and being out doing something changes you. I'm saying this from experience.
Not sure if you're a guy but the obvious one would be to just join a soccer team, just go train with them once a week or join a 5-a-side club. Yes, even if you hate sports! Meetup.com is a bit weird and wacky when it comes to what people are interested in but just go... pick an activity you've never done and go say Hi to everyone and tell them it's something you've never done and wanted to try out.
I don't really have much faith in professionals in this sort of thing. That's just me though, they can't tell you anything you don't already know or can't find online... the idea of going to one is that their advice SHOULD be specific to you instead of generic but that is rarely the case... what you were told is what they'd tell anyone with any problems.... you can find it all online... but if YOU do it for yourself it will work.
So DO just go out and join something. Commit to being out at a group activitiy 1-2 times a week. THAT is the point. Once you get more comfortable you can keep looking for something you like more.
No offense but when people say they are interested in *NOTHING* they find... it's an excuse... they mean they don't want to make the effort to help themselves... they say "Oh, I'm not joining a knitting group... that won't help my social anxiety"... well... YES IT WILL!!!! What else would you think COULD help but social interaction. So sorry to be harsh but that's the truth of it. Just go do it!0
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