Was it my fault or I havent had a chance from the beginning?

ippn1

I know its kinda long post, but Id really like to hear few opinions so I can get a closure.
I met this girl (22) because shes a friend of my friend's GF. So we hanged out couple of times and she liked me, so she get my number from a friend and start texting me. After a month of texting (she was chasing me all along) we went out on a party and after dancing together we started kissing in a car and holding hands... After that there were more massages (every day) and i took her out on a first date. We hold hands entire time and kissed couple of times when i get her back home. Then she inveted me in cinema (she was all over me entire movie) and we went for a couple of walks together (like a couple – holding hands, kissing,...) and i can tell she was talking about things we willl do in future together so i thought, she really wants to be mine.

After 3 weeks everything started to fell apart. Less and less texting, when went out (alone or friends) she was moody. I fell something is not right. After a month she texted me that she is not sure if she is ready for a sirious relationship (she broke up with a guy 6 months ago, they were together for 3 years). So we talked, and agree we will take things slow but i didnt have any idea whats goin on until i realized she didnt get over her ex (we were at a party where she saw him plus he was drunk and came to her and said something and then left. I didnt see that but friends did). After that she started to avoiding time together so i told her she should just tell me if she doesnt want to see me again. She said she liked me (we even agree to have sexual relationship – she said she wont sleep with other guys even tho we are not in a serious relationship, because Im a cool person and she might want to have something serious with me in a future). I told her i cant be waiting if her ex is a reason we cant have a serious realtionship (i really really liked her and i was not far away to fall in love with her). She said every month (when shes has period) she gets deppresed becouse of him and she wants me to sweep her of her feet so she would never think about him again. So I told her she has time to think about everything (pretty sure that was a mistake) and then tell me what she wants for us (we didnt see each other for 2 weeks beacuse she went abroad). After she came back she told me she cant have a boyfrined right now. She didnt want to fool around and just have sex with me either.
She also has bad relationship history. Her 1st BF cheated on her so they broke up. After 1 month she started dating 2nd BF and after a while she figured out she didt get over her 1st BF so she cheated her 2nd BF with her 1st BF. They stayed together for 3 years, but 2nd BF was not treating her right (cheat her back and neglect her) and she is blaming herself for everything bad he has done in a relationship. They broke up/went back together for few times. now after 6 months since last break up we were together. She also said she will never forgive herself for what she did to her 2nd BF and that she is afraid to make the same mistake with me because she is not over her 2nd BF right now.

So i said we cant see each other anymore becaouse i cant be just friends with her. When i asked her whats the reason she wont be my GF she said she didnt fall in love with me as a main reason besides she didnt get over her ex. Now Im wondering that i didnt do enough (Im 25 and pretty unexperienced. I told her i have never had a serious relationship because I was too busy - college/semi-pro athlete. I think I lost some value in her eyes because i think she saw me as a catch and she also know for few girls they were interested in me from before - small town). I show her affection everytime we were together - holding hands, legs... but there was a date before she told me she is not ready for a relationship, when she has very closed/defensive body language so there were no physical contact entire date. We were kissing (tounge) at the end of the date (something I dont do often so i may be a bad kisser but i dont know. We kissed couple of times everytime we were together) and thats the reason why she didnt fall in love with me. We havent had sex even tho she gave me few subtle hints via texting, but i didnt want to rush it and i wanted to be spontaneous.

I had no idea that she has baggage and everthing wil go upside down. It was totaly unexpected – because she was so into me. Even my friends couldnt believe it (we were hanging around together for a mont with her). Did i made a mistake, do you thing sex would change anything or i havent had a chance with her from beginnning because of her ex? Im not beating myslef up becaouse of sex alone but because of a possible relationship we could have if i were more agressive towards that direction.

I also found out from a friend of her ex, that she texted him the following days after she saw him at a party. So have i ever had a chance to change how everything unfolds? Maybe she just dont like me that much?
I know thats the end but I d like to know if a ball was ever on my court - did i mess up? or i have never had a chance.

Meathlass

Hi OP.

Unfortunately this girl is still in love with her ex and she's not available to date anyone else at the moment.

You did nothing wrong, you never had a chance.

Don't beat yourself up about her.

desbrook

A long post alright but a short answer needed . No you couldn't have done more . If its the sex or lack of it you blame stop right there - I've never known a girl to dump a guy because he didn't try to get her in the sack . Quite the opposite .
It's natural that you dwell on your lack of experience but you need to stop doing that aswell . For a guy who thinks like that you did very well holding on to her as long as you did . You also should be proud of how you read her feelings .
All you need to do now continue to respect those feelings . She doesn't want a relationship and make sure you accept that . Its good to talk about feeling but only talk about what happened with friends you can 100% trust . Gossips are everywhere . Never be tempted to say she used you because I certainly don't read it that way . Hold your head up high and be proud of how you conducted yourself . Someone else will come along ...and soon !

ippn1

Thank you for opinions. It hurts because that was the first time i felt ready to be in a relationship. I just cant get over the feeling she gave me at the beginning (first 2-3 weeks). I thought nothing can go wrong and she gave me impression that wants to have a serious relationship.
I noticed some red flags that time (she mentioned her ex almost every other date but she seemed very unaffected when we talked about her previous relationship and exes). Before I invited her on a first date I also asked her best friend who broke up with who (she dump him and that was not the first time but they got back together) and she said that she is over him. She also deleted him on facebook so I put that thought to rest.
Its quite disturbing since on dates she talked about things we will do in future. I have to let it go, but Im still confused.

What should I do if she contacts me (I dont really expect it, but I should be ready)? ignore her?

ippn1

i dont know how to edit previous post...

There are plenty of people who told me I made a huge mistake because we havent had sex. They say sex would make her attached and she would forget other dude easier. Im still confused, guess we will never know...

However what also bothers me is my inexperience - we were on a 6 dates alone plus some dates with friends , but I have never made a move on her (sexually). Friends tease me like ftw i was thinking (they all having sex 2nd, 3rd date), some even said i friendzoned her :-\ so i was not considered a BF material. They say sex likely wouldnt change the outcome, but there is a chance it would. Next time I ll try to have sex ASAP. At least I ll get laid.

After the last date she told me she likes how I didnt make sex the priority and that I showed her that Id really like to know her as a person. But on the other hand, she said that the whole thing drives her crazy and she often thinks about having a sex during dates.

msg11

ippn1 wrote: »

Next time I ll try to have sex ASAP. At least I ll get laid.

Wowwww .. Easy there mate ! You'll either turn them off or get yourself a headwreck !

Had a quick read of your post. You sound like a decent lad, I like yourself would be much the same inexperienced at 23 and my head dose be wrecked thinking about girls and relationships I have messed up in the past. Girls that have friendzoned me (hate that term ) etc..

But look, just don't go out and start trying to get the leg over on every girl you meet. We are all in the same boat here. Someone will come along in time. If you do what you said above you'll be worse off.

You got what you thought was a catch that turn out to be what sounds like a fling don't beat yourself up over it. There's nothing you can do just try get yourself a girl that is really into you and go from there.

Best of luck !

As for texts , it's up to you in my experiance you don't sound like your over her so it's maybe not a good idea to text her. You'll end up going around in circles (I don't that for over a year and a half!) ..

desbrook

desbrook wrote: »

A long post alright but a short answer needed . No you couldn't have done more . If its the sex or lack of it you blame stop right there - I've never known a girl to dump a guy because he didn't try to get her in the sack . Quite the opposite .
It's natural that you dwell on your lack of experience but you need to stop doing that aswell . For a guy who thinks like that you did very well holding on to her as long as you did . You also should be proud of how you read her feelings .
All you need to do now continue to respect those feelings . She doesn't want a relationship and make sure you accept that . Its good to talk about feeling but only talk about what happened with friends you can 100% trust . Gossips are everywhere . Never be tempted to say she used you because I certainly don't read it that way . Hold your head up high and be proud of how you conducted yourself . Someone else will come along ...and soon !

Stand by what I wrote 100% OP . Sorry you don't see it that way. That is your right of course. Just one thought though - it's easier sometimes to blame your actions and say " I made a mistake and that's why it ended ". It's harder to face the truth - you weren't for her, pure and simple .

ippn1

desbrook wrote: »

Just one thought though - it's easier sometimes to blame your actions and say " I made a mistake and that's why it ended ". It's harder to face the truth - you weren't for her, pure and simple .

What you basically saying is: the truth is, if she wanted you then you'd be together. I agree

Tnx for opinions, but I just cant see it that way while im still hurt.

I gave her a simple/pure choice (and 2 weeks to think about it): to forget her past relationship and move on - to have a relationship with me (and proceed slow) or she will lose me (I told her before I cant be around if her ex is the problem we cant have a relationship).


I know I might look at this from different angle once I stop being emotional about it but... only time will tell.

Stavro Mueller

Sorry OP but I don't think there is anything you could've done to change this. Your situation looks a bit like that of a rebound boy, albeit with a 6 months delay. It looks like this girl's head is a mess and that she did try to date you in the hope that it would erase her feelings for her ex. I don't think anybody would've stood a chance to be honest. It has nothing to do with your inexperience or the lack of sex. If she had wanted to have sex with you at any stage during your time together, do you not think that she'd have been capable of initiating it herself?

For your own sake, you are better off cutting contact with her. You're not capable of being just friends with her. She doesn't know what she wants regarding boyfriends but one thing is clear - it's not you. So for your own sanity, you're better off staying away. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

ippn1

I want to share with you guys about what happened.

After 1st month of NC, she came to the same party as me and my friends, because we have 1 mutual friend (my friend's gf). I said hi and ignored her for the night even tho she was in our circle whole time. Next day she texted me that she wish me good luck for upcoming operation I had (ankle) in next week.

Another month went by and i went to another party. Same scenario plus we sat at the same table whole night. It was obvious she felt uncomfortable from her body language. She was trying to talk to me the whole time but i ignored her as much as i could. When we got drunk, she was following me whenever i went to the bar or toilet. Finally she came to me and apologized because she hurt my feelings. She told me she had feelings for me and felt really nice when we were dating but she felt guilt about moving on and she decided to try get back with her ex. She told me that was stupid, she was talking about how she have realized he wasnt good to her and was not the right bf, and that she finally see, that there were more bad then good moments in her relationship.

So I gave us another chance. i told her I want to take things extremely slow because i dont want to get hurt again. We went on a date. It was a nice date - I almost forgot about all the hurt i experienced because of her. So at the end, i went for one goodnight kiss but it ended as makeout. She tongued kissed me for couple of times and then said that was not 'taking it slow' and smiled.

Next 2 days i havent got any text from her. I didnt send it either. So i texted her 3rd day since we were on a date (we were hanging and playing games at my friends house) and invite her to come over. She said she is sick and will not come. When i suggest another date the next week, she said she will let me know about it on monday because she will know her schedule by then. Today is tuesday and i still havent heard from her. I also saw she liked ex's brother (mutual friend on FB) photo on FB (her ex and his brother was on it). I felt hurt again and i honestly think she is just f.ucki.ing with me...

what now?

desbrook

What now ? Try and take on board the views and advice we gave you two months ago ?

hsianloon

Its a lost cause mate. If you both get drunk enough just do her and treat it as your entitlement for all that mind **** over the past few months.

Otherwise, move on. Shell be bouncing back and forth between her ex and replacements like you, while you're working on some other eager girls

ManOfMystery

So in a nutshell, you ignored her at a couple of parties. She didn't get the attention she thrived, so came back to you with a sob story and now she's in her element again as you're chasing her again.

This girl doesn't know what she wants. All she knows is that she's enjoying lapping up the attention from you chasing her (and any other guys who may be chasing her also) but she can't commit to you or she would have done so already. You're a boost for her ego, that's all. Take the advice on board which has already been given to you and forget about her.

Lorna123

Stay well away from her. She has now shown you her true colours and you don't need a g/f like that. Consider yourself lucky that you haven't wasted any more time on her. She is a head wrecker.

ippn1

She texted me the next day she is busy because of her new apprenticeship and she has to go to bed early and she will not be able to go for a drink for the rest of the week, but she suggested a date next week. I didnt replied because it felt like a flake. I think if she wanted to see me, she would.
Next week i didnt get any massage from her, but when I was in a pub with her drunk best friend, she told me how she said i screwed up because i called her out no her ex and that i should never do that. She also said if i was better then her ex and gave her what she needed (I guess sex) she would forget about him and her ex was never a factor. They are both also convinced im in love with her and she said i shouldnt be so available and should play games before we would be exclusive... Then she said she has now 'someone who *f*u*c*ks her' in some town she has her apprenticeship in.
So i left her alone for 14 days, never sent anything to her, but 2 days ago we saw each other in a pub. She came there with some guy and some other guys joined them after a while. I felt like shi.t again. When we were living they were standing beside entrance so i had to pass them by. She turned her head in different direction when she saw me coming near. I wanted to say hi, but i didnt because of that. Then after half an hour she texted me, how she doesnt understand my games and she thinks that it was a total bullsh.it.
I replied she is no longer the one im interested in and she is the one whos playing games. I told her that just a pretty face is not enough for me to fall in love with a girl and that i ll no longer intend to be her ego booster.
Then i blocked her on FB, deleted all the massages and her number.

Feels bad man... :-\

Forever Hopeful

Now follow through with this and keep her blocked.
Op, my head is wrecked from reading this thread and that's only the past few minutes. This girl is a game player, immature and insecure. This will NEVER work out now because there's too much cr*p between you and its... well... its just plain childish.
Give it up, stop hanging out with her friends, at least you've now blocked her on stalkbook.
She LOVES the drama and the attention. The more of a fool you make of yourself with her, the more she loves it. As soon as you ignore her then its like red rag to a bull with her and she loves the chase. It will never move on from that. Its ye are playing hide and seek with each other.
You're a good guy, don't let her messing change that. Focus on you and find someone who's good enough for you as she clearly isn't.

Boofle

ippn1 wrote: »

i dont know how to edit previous post...

There are plenty of people who told me I made a huge mistake because we havent had sex. They say sex would make her attached and she would forget other dude easier. Im still confused, guess we will never know...

However what also bothers me is my inexperience - we were on a 6 dates alone plus some dates with friends , but I have never made a move on her (sexually). Friends tease me like ftw i was thinking (they all having sex 2nd, 3rd date), some even said i friendzoned her :-\ so i was not considered a BF material. They say sex likely wouldnt change the outcome, but there is a chance it would. Next time I ll try to have sex ASAP. At least I ll get laid.

After the last date she told me she likes how I didnt make sex the priority and that I showed her that Id really like to know her as a person. But on the other hand, she said that the whole thing drives her crazy and she often thinks about having a sex during dates.

From a woman's point of view I wouldn't recommend this course of action; if it's a relationship you are looking for - fair enough if you are out for a one night stand only! You said yourself in the above post that she said she likes how you didn't try and make sex the priority. . . Most of the girls I know would agree this is a good thing. It makes you quite unique in a very good way, in my experience anyway :P

The fault didn't lie with you; from reading your post it sounds as though she is still in love with the ex so you're better off just cutting your losses - lots more fish in the sea and all that!!

Boofle

ippn1 wrote: »

She texted me the next day she is busy because of her new apprenticeship and she has to go to bed early and she will not be able to go for a drink for the rest of the week, but she suggested a date next week. I didnt replied because it felt like a flake. I think if she wanted to see me, she would.
Next week i didnt get any massage from her, but when I was in a pub with her drunk best friend, she told me how she said i screwed up because i called her out no her ex and that i should never do that. She also said if i was better then her ex and gave her what she needed (I guess sex) she would forget about him and her ex was never a factor. They are both also convinced im in love with her and she said i shouldnt be so available and should play games before we would be exclusive... Then she said she has now 'someone who *f*u*c*ks her' in some town she has her apprenticeship in.
So i left her alone for 14 days, never sent anything to her, but 2 days ago we saw each other in a pub. She came there with some guy and some other guys joined them after a while. I felt like shi.t again. When we were living they were standing beside entrance so i had to pass them by. She turned her head in different direction when she saw me coming near. I wanted to say hi, but i didnt because of that. Then after half an hour she texted me, how she doesnt understand my games and she thinks that it was a total bullsh.it.
I replied she is no longer the one im interested in and she is the one whos playing games. I told her that just a pretty face is not enough for me to fall in love with a girl and that i ll no longer intend to be her ego booster.
Then i blocked her on FB, deleted all the massages and her number.

Feels bad man... :-\

Sorry you are feeling bad but you need to just forget about this girl!! She sounds like a nutter - what on earth is she playing at?!

ippn1

Tnx for replies. I think I should be glad we havent had sex, because it would happen in a time everything was great when we were together and i already saw her as my girl. If we had sex back then im sure id be destroyed right now because that would be the first time i would have sex with someone i have strong emotions for. I think its a good thing i wasnt more aggresive. I dont know why there are moments i felt it might change the whole thing if we make love to each other. Probably because she mentioned when she apologized that if we have had sex she would fall in love with me and that she only have sex if there are emotions involved (then why her best friend told me she has someone who f.uck.s her now?)...
Also tell me, is this true that you have to play games with females before she asked you to be exclusive? Her best friend told me so and that she can tell im inexperienced for thinking otherwise. She also said i made huge mistake (turned her off) because i told her too much too soon. After 5 weeks of dating and seeing each other 2 times a week plus hanging out with me and friends, i called her out on her ex and told her that i cant be 'in line' if he is the reason she cant have relationship with me. Then i told her i really liked her and she is also great girl and it would be a shame if she chooses past over future. Are those games really important when it is obvious that you are attracted to one another??

Forever Hopeful

Sorry to be blunt OP, but stop with the females and stop using the word f**k. I know you are young but it just sounds off.
As for the games question? No... if you have to play games with a woman to attract her, then you are set up for failure. There's a difference between playing games and not being too keen. You can really like someone and have all these thoughts which you would love to say but you are better off tempering voicing anything until you are more established in the relationship. Otherwise you can scare someone off.
Op, this girl is a headwreck. Stop trying to figure out what if, its not going to change things. Move on!

Stavro Mueller

Do you not think something's wrong if you find yourself posting all over the place about this girl and your obsession with her? Seriously?

In my experience, if any normal person meets someone they like, they just go out with them. No games, no blowing hot and cold, no stupid infantile behaviour like what has gone on between the pair of you. Believe me, if this girl genuinely fancied you she'd be dating you by now. End of. All you are to her is someone she enjoys toying with. She never had any intention of actually going out with you or sleeping with you.

It's time you stopped posting and started reading what people have taken the time to write. Everyone's saying the same thing - she's not interested. You've not got a chance. Go find another normal girl. All these voices can't be wrong.

Lorna123

It's very hard on the ego OP when someone chooses to finish with us. You go through a lot of self doubt and wondering what if you did something differently. Please don't torture yourself wondering all of this because the simple answer is that if this relationship was ever going to get off the ground it would have without having to play games. She would have accepted you for what you are, a fine decent bloke. She wasn't meant for you OP and you can do better. Don't waste your time wondering anymore, she is not worth it. Stop tormenting yourself and forget about her.