College Student - Feeling Down

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am a 21yo college student, secretly gay, and I have been feeling very down lately. I posted last week in Personal Issues about this. At first I thought the fact that I am gay had nothing to do with this - it's just something I have been ignoring/suppressing up until now. But I am now wondering if possibly it does have something to do with it.

This is the thread, hope this isn't seen as being lazy!
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056940241

I'm just posting it here to get a view of it from gay people - I'm sure maybe there are some who felt the same as me?

Locker10a

Alot of what you said resonates well with me! I can imagine how tough you find things sometimes, I know you don't want to but i think you should actually consider counselling, it actually can be easier to talk to a stranger sometimes!
I understand the kind of loneliness you feel, its a horrible feeling, .
Best thing is to try and make friends, of keep involved with the ones you have! It will take a conscience effort! If no one tries that's how friendships drift apart! You must not allow this to happen!

El Inho

Most if not all universities offer such counselling for free. Why not try send them a mail now - mailing always gets done quicker!

Also most unis have socs for openly gay people. I know its a big step but contacting them might help you get in touch with others in such situations and help you meet these people and just lead a more active life.

I'm straight myself, and maybe its not helping, but I hate to imagine people being so down over something which is difficult to deal with.

Rick_

I have to be honest, I feel like you have described a lot of the time too. I'm not depressed and have no reason to feel 'sad' but I do. I do have good days where I'm happy, bubbly, smiling etc. but most of the time I'm by myself, feeling like utter shíte (for no real reason) and just not in the mood to talk to anyone or do anything. It's always the way though, when I do get the rare burst of energy and want to go somewhere, do something, talk to someone there's no-one there to engage with. It's like I'm out of sync with everyone else in my life. I feel like an outsider a lot... always have truth be told...

mr.anonymous

OP,

I can relate to what you've said. I'm nearly 21, in college and have been through and still am going through what you've described.

It's very good to write down your problem and to post it here, it will help you. The internet is a great resource for people in your/our position.

You said being gay is a secret, and that you're ignoring/supressing it. That will make you feel down to some extent.

You'll feel lonely, even when with people, if they're not people you can open up to. You said you cut out alcohol, eat healthy and exercise. It is important to look after yourself, and it's worth the effort to keep that all up to make yourself feel even a little bit better.

I think it would help to firstly accept that you're gay, and secondly, try to tell your friend. That might sound terrifying but it is a fear worth confronting.

Have you thought about telling your friend, or a sibling, or someone? It's a big step, but it would help you a lot.

Just try to take some comfort from the fact that there are others in your situation. Look after yourself as well, talk to people and don't isolate yourself, exercise, eat well, get enough sleep and all that. These are all little things that help when you're feeling down.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answers, good to know I'm not the only one I suppose.

The one good friend that I would feel confident opening up to is definitely going through a hard time at the moment. He seems unwilling to disclose what it is though. But I can hardly tell him I'm not feeling great at the moment if he has stuff on his mind also.
I wouldn't be sure if I'd tell him I'm gay though. I'm not sure what the point is, as I don't think that's the (sole) reason that I'm feeling down.
I'm afraid if I tell him, I'll still feel down but he'll know what I'm gay. The only positive thing I can think of is that his brother is gay (or bi I think), so it's unlikely that he would react badly to me.

Coming out to everybody isn't an option - it's not like I have a secret boyfriend that I want people to accept. I have nothing - if I come out, I'd still be alone the only difference is I'm gay (if that makes sense). And joining a LGBT society would be way out of my comfort zone!

floggg

LonelyCollegeStudent wrote: »

Thanks for the answers, good to know I'm not the only one I suppose.

The one good friend that I would feel confident opening up to is definitely going through a hard time at the moment. He seems unwilling to disclose what it is though. But I can hardly tell him I'm not feeling great at the moment if he has stuff on his mind also.
I wouldn't be sure if I'd tell him I'm gay though. I'm not sure what the point is, as I don't think that's the (sole) reason that I'm feeling down.
I'm afraid if I tell him, I'll still feel down but he'll know what I'm gay. The only positive thing I can think of is that his brother is gay (or bi I think), so it's unlikely that he would react badly to me.

Coming out to everybody isn't an option - it's not like I have a secret boyfriend that I want people to accept. I have nothing - if I come out, I'd still be alone the only difference is I'm gay (if that makes sense). And joining a LGBT society would be way out of my comfort zone!

I can also relate to much of what you said. I could have written it word for word myself a few years ago TBH.

Even the bit about being over weight part!

In my case, and with the benefit of hind sight, I realised denying who I was and keeping up a facade of being somebody I wasn't just took its toll on me.

I was a very closed individual and felt nobody really knew who I was. I felt almost invisible at times and felt I needed to be somebody else to be accepted and have friends. Which in turn lead me to feel down that nobody really liked me for who I was and that I had no real friends.

I had zero confidence and just felt envious of friends who were getting on with their lives.

At one point I decided to get fit and healthy and threw all my efforts into that. And I succeeded, and lost a shed load of weight. After the novelty of that wore off though, I still had to deal with the fact that I was still pretending to be something I wasn't (straight) and I didn't really like who I really was (gay). I ended up putting on back half the weight so that I could hid behind being the fat one I think. Nobody looks at the fat one wondering why he isn't with any girls.

Anyway, eventually I was close to breaking point and realised if I didn't take action on this I would end up truly depressed and get myself into a cycle I might never be able to break.

So firstly I learned to accept I was gay, and to realise that I didn't need to be ashamed of it or hide it anymore. That was the hard step, but it was almost like one of those cartoon moments where the light bulb went off over my head.

Almost immediately I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and instantly gained confidence in myself.

I guess once I realised I shouldn't let other people's expectations or judgments dictate my life, I stopped fearing those judgments and just got on with my life.

Then I moved onto telling people. It was hard but with each one I gained confidence. Soon it became a non issue.

In a few months I had come out to friends and family, put my toes into the gay world and then got the courage to try joining up with a few LGBT groups. It was hard at first but became easier and easier with every step.

Sorry for the life story, but I just wanted to show you that this while thing is a process and you won't be able to fix it over night.

But I think if you are suppressing who you are, it can't be healthy for your mind. And the only way to undo the damage is to accept yourself and to put yourself first rather than spending your life trying to conform.

You won't turn into a magical gay social butterfly once you tell somebody, but as long as you spend your life pretending to be somebody your not or closing parts of you off from others, you're never going to gain the confidence to make the changes you want to in your life.

That said, that doesn't mean you have to come out to the world. But I think a baby step of telling somebody would do you the world of good.

Just read the threads from others here who have posted about being in a similar position to your own but eventually worked up the courage to tell even just one person - they always end up so much happier.

And even if you aren't ready to tell a friend, why not just dip a toe in the LGBT waters. Maybe if your near Dublin try to come to the meet up the guys on here are organising. I gather there's lots of people like yourself who aren't out just yet and who can relate to your position.

It would be good to be able to go out and be yourself for a bit. And it's in a non gay venue (at least it starts there anyway) so you don't have to worry about being seen walking in.

In any event, waiting until you meet somebody and you have your life in order to tell people is a bit naive in my book. I would imagine carrying this secret is what is gotten you here in the first place, so it will be difficult to make changes without at least taking some small steps to address the root cause.

Anyway, boyfriends can be very hard up find, and even harder to keep, when you're in the closet.

floggg

See here for example

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056780845/1/#post81247097

And for the ultimate happy ending story

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056853366/1

playedalive

I'm echoing pretty much what everybody is saying. Personally, I found it very hard to be happy in myself (not just sexuality but also had/still kinda do have self esteem/confidence issues stemming from other personal problems) when I didn't like/accept me for me.

Unfortunately, I wasted a lot of time hanging around with people who were never really interested in having me as a close friend. Or who even respected me for me. Although they were great for random drunken nights out, I wasted my time hanging around with these homophobic immature w@**ers who made me feel crap inside. This didn't help the fact that I was hiding my attraction to guys deep inside and was very sexually confused. I always felt I had to act as they wanted me to. Sad I know.

Then, I got into such a state that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. Luckily, I'm feeling a lot better in myself now (generally speaking). I've made the effort to get out there and made some good friends over the past two years. People with who I can be honest, who can take me for me.

If you can learn anything from me, try to accept yourself for who you are. If there are certain aspects of you that don't sit well with you, ask why. Since you're a student, perhaps a stint in counselling will help. It sure helped me . Best of luck.

LegacyUser

It's the OP here. I really just want to thank everybody for their answers, and your extreme honesty. It genuinely does give me comfort to know that there are others that have been in the same situation (or are currently in the same situation).

I'll have a good think about this over the next few days. I agree with the fact that waiting until my life is sorted out before telling people is a bit silly. I will keep in touch, thanks again for all the answers!

LegacyUser

Hey im 33 im bi n ive learned to live with it its hard but dont worry

ninty9er

You can think the words "I'm gay" and torture yourself, but actually writing it here is part of your acceptance process, saying it out loud to yourself is another, and all of that will help you. You'll find it a whole lot easier to say "I'm gay" to someone else if you've heard yourself say it before.

It doesn't make it easy, but it does make it easier. Maybe it's a little left of field, but if you open up to your friend on this, he may open up to you on whatever it is that's bothering him in return. It's a huge position of trust to be the first person to officially know someone is gay, so once he knows you trust him that much, he may place a huge level of trust in you.

LegacyUser

It's the OP again.

Haven't been feeling the best lately either, I'm really not sure if it's because I'm gay though - I suspect I feel down, and the gay thing is just making it worse.

I've been having thoughts of telling my friend I'm gay. I've mentioned to him a few times recently that I'm feeling down, so it'd be nice to give him an actual reason rather than saying "Feeling down ,not sure why" over and over - I'm worried he'll think I'm an attention seeker or something.

But, I'm not sure that telling him I'm gay is a good idea - I'm not sure I'd gain much from it. I don't intend to "come out" any time soon, so it's not like he'd be the first of many people I'd tell. I'm worried it'll change the way he thinks about me. Like there's a few of us lads going on a holiday soon, and he'll be there - surely it would be a better idea not to tell him before the holiday?
He's a good guy, and his brother is bisexual so I'm hoping he would react fairly well to the news. The thing is, if he didn't, it would really make me feel so much worse. It's a bit of a gamble actually...

Emzer92

Hey OP,

I understand that feeling of not wanting to tell someone because it wouldn't make a difference for me, but it really really does! I told one of the lads from school that I was gay (while freaking out internally over what he'd say/feel or if he'd tell anyone else) but he just raised his eyebrows as if to say "Yeah, you're gay . . . . and . . . ?"

Honestly, that in itself was one of the biggest sources of relief when I was feeling down about my sexuality. He really didn't mind at all! That, more than anything really, allowed me to start telling my immediate family about it. The more people I told, the more I realised that people really weren't bothered by it at all!!

I had built this big head of steam up about being gay . . . it was the one thing that NO-ONE could EVER know about because I was afraid of them freaking out and I'd lose them. But I can honestly say now that I know that my sexuality is just one small part of me as a whole. I'm a student, a brother, a son, a musician, and as it happens, I like men.

As regards telling your friend before the holiday, do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If, by telling him, it means that you'll be able to relax more and enjoy the holiday without worrying how he might react if you tell him, then do it before. From what you've said about him, he seems to be cool with gay/bi people, so go for it I'd say! But don't set yourself a deadline by which you'll have told him. 1. You don't need the extra stress of counting down to it
2. You might let it slip when you're not ready to tell him. I think I can safely say that loads of us have had that horrible moment when we can't remember (after a night out of drinking) what we've gone and said, and to whom!

I know that dread of not wanting to tell someone because I thought they's think less of me. But if you do find that someone you've told suddenly doesn't like you, or that your relationship with them has changed fundamentally because of something that you have absolutely no control over, then I think it says more about them than it does about you. You're better off without them (even though I don't know how close you are to your friends).

You mentioned that you're not ready to "come out" any time soon. I understand that completely! I'm not "out" (in the sense that everyone in my life knows). I've just told my Mam and Dad, my brothers, my very close friends from school, and some college people. But I'm definitely not Out (with a Capital "O"). I think it's important that you tell who you want to tell, when you want to tell them.

I know that it feels like it won't make any difference, but it really is a weight off your shoulders, just having even one other person who knows. That old cliché "A burden shared is a burden halved" is a cliché for a reason! It's so true! What's more, I'm able to have a more open, better relationship with those people I've told. I feel like I'm no longer hiding away part of myself from them.

Ash885

I honestly think self acceptance is the most important thing to tackle first. Get your head around it. It's a frightening thing living most of your life thinking you're one way, only to discover (sometimes unwantingly) that you're different. Think it through, explore your options, and only tell if and when you're ready.

I think Oscar Wilde said it best with; ""To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." So tackle that bit first and try and embrace yourself. If you do finally tell someone, remember being gay/bi is only a very, very small part of who you are, and if they find fault with it, it says a lot more about them than it does you.

DownUniStudent

Hi, it's the OP here, I made an account as it's easier than waiting for the anonymous post to be approved - hope that's ok mods.

I met my friend today, and talked a bit about how I wasn't feeling great lately and he was really nice about it, but I completely chickened out of saying that I was gay. I just couldn't form the words at all. Didn't really see this coming, I thought the hard part was trying to arrange a meetup, I thought once that happened it'd be easy.

It now could be ages before the next time I meet him one-on-one. The whole conversation has me a bit confused all day - I'm constantly thinking that I should have told him. It's almost like I want to tell him more now because I missed a very good opportunity to do so.

Should I try and meet him for a few minutes after work some day and tell him then? Or just leave it for a while?

Rick_

Best not to do it in a short time period where something like this is blurted out and then you part ways for whatever reason and it isn't discussed, as it would need to be acknowledged and time for it to be taken in. Unless of course he says "Of course you are, we all thought so", in which case you can laugh about it and move on and enjoy the weight off your shoulders for a bit.

Best to arrange a proper length of time to talk to him and not only say it to him but see his reaction. Hopefully he will be OK, just reassure him it doesn't change who you are as a person or affect your friendship. I would imagine he would be fine with everything and those obvious things wouldn't have to be stated, but sadly, some people just aren't as lovely and open as you'd like them to be.

ninty9er

If he knows you're feeling wierd about something from the conversation you had today, then a text (if sent today or tomorrow) is an okay way to tell him. It sounds like you need to tell someone. Maybe try a stranger of that doesn't work out??

Walker77

DownUniStudent wrote: »

Hi, it's the OP here, I made an account as it's easier than waiting for the anonymous post to be approved - hope that's ok mods.

I met my friend today, and talked a bit about how I wasn't feeling great lately and he was really nice about it, but I completely chickened out of saying that I was gay. I just couldn't form the words at all. Didn't really see this coming, I thought the hard part was trying to arrange a meetup, I thought once that happened it'd be easy.

It now could be ages before the next time I meet him one-on-one. The whole conversation has me a bit confused all day - I'm constantly thinking that I should have told him. It's almost like I want to tell him more now because I missed a very good opportunity to do so.

Should I try and meet him for a few minutes after work some day and tell him then? Or just leave it for a while?

I would write down what you are going to say before you meet him. You need to clear your head first and bring yourself to terms with it. When you do this arrange a meeting with him for a few mins after work. Don't allow this to go around in your head as it will make day to day things difficult to concentrate on. come back and tells us how you go on. take care

floggg

OP, do what's best for you. If you would prefer a chance to talk properly than arrange it.

Just know that there will always seem to be good reasons to put off doing. Once you decide to tell somebody it's best to try and get it over and done with as soon as practicable.

If you aren't ready though, then just forget about doing it until you are. Unless you are committed to the idea you will just keep putting it off, and the constant build up and then backing out will wear you out.

I obviously can't speak for you, but I know from my experience that I never realised just how much issues around being gay and closeted were at the root of my problems and insecurities.

It's only when I think about things with the benefit of hindsight that I can understand how it was the root cause of so many things.

I guess I was in denial a lot about it so it was hard to pin the blame on something I refused to acknowledge. Still, I am realising now how it held me back or affected in so many ways - and ways which are common to many others it seems.

I never thought it would make as much difference to me as it has, but I see it every day. It's not that I've changed as a person - it's that I'm no longer afraid to be who I always was. I've stopped trying to be somebody I am not. That shot takes a toll on you on ways it's hard to understand on the time.

But if you aren't comfortable being yourself, how are you ever going to learn and accept yourself? If your focus in life is other people's perceptions of you, you'll never have time for your own wants and needs.

playedalive

floggg wrote: »

I obviously can't speak for you, but I know from my experience that I never realised just how much issues around being gay and closeted were at the root of my problems and insecurities. I never thought it would make as much difference to me as it has, but I see it every day. It's not that I've changed as a person - it's that I'm no longer afraid to be who I always was. I've stopped trying to be somebody I am not. s.

This is so true dude. I am so much happier since I came out and acknowledged my sexuality

DownUniStudent

Hi guys, it's the OP.

I met my friend again and yet bottled, so later that day I asked him could I ring him later- I wanted to get it done with.

I'll confess I did drink a slight bit to work up the courage, but it went really well. It was very difficult to actually say the words, but he was very supportive and stressed that it wasn't a big deal, that it didn't change who I was or the basis of our relationship as friends. He did encourage to tell others and said they'd all react the same, but I think I might hold off on telling people for a while yet! He asked me did I want to speak to his brother, who is gay and went through a similarly tough time, but I wasn't sure whether to take that up - I don't know his brother and I'm very shy and would find it awkward. He said his brother isn't shy at all though and it wouldn't bother him in the slightest!

I think it helped me a lot though, he handled it like a pro, it really does feel like a weight of my chest - moreso than I previously thought. I'm going on holidays very soon with two friends, he's one of them, so I played a risky game telling him before but it's all working out fine.

Given that I've never even so much as kissed another guy, it's too early to 'tell people', but I'm very glad I told that one as it's been consuming a lot of my thoughts lately, and making me very down (although I don't think I realised how much until now).

Thanks for the advice guys!

floggg

DownUniStudent wrote: »

Hi guys, it's the OP.

I met my friend again and yet bottled, so later that day I asked him could I ring him later- I wanted to get it done with.

I'll confess I did drink a slight bit to work up the courage, but it went really well. It was very difficult to actually say the words, but he was very supportive and stressed that it wasn't a big deal, that it didn't change who I was or the basis of our relationship as friends. He did encourage to tell others and said they'd all react the same, but I think I might hold off on telling people for a while yet! He asked me did I want to speak to his brother, who is gay and went through a similarly tough time, but I wasn't sure whether to take that up - I don't know his brother and I'm very shy and would find it awkward. He said his brother isn't shy at all though and it wouldn't bother him in the slightest!

I think it helped me a lot though, he handled it like a pro, it really does feel like a weight of my chest - moreso than I previously thought. I'm going on holidays very soon with two friends, he's one of them, so I played a risky game telling him before but it's all working out fine.

Given that I've never even so much as kissed another guy, it's too early to 'tell people', but I'm very glad I told that one as it's been consuming a lot of my thoughts lately, and making me very down (although I don't think I realised how much until now).

Thanks for the advice guys!

Well done, I'm sure it must be a big relief. And don't worry, I know I certainly wasnt sober the first few times I told people.

It's only too early to tell people if you feel that it is - whether or not you've kissed a guy is neither here nor there.

Some people like to "explore" before they say anything, but others maybe prefer to have acknowledged it to others before the start dating/meeting people.

I guess if you can teach a point with your ok with other people knowing it might give you more options in terms of meeting guys (bars, social clubs etc) though if you would prefer to remain discrete there's plenty of apps and websites.

Of course, that doesn't mean you need to jump into anything all of a sudden because you told somebody.

As with all of this, all in your own good time. It's your life, so you don't owe anything to anybody but yourself. You should just do whatever you feel comfortable or happy with, not what others might expect of you!

Hopefully with those first few small baby steps things might start to pick up for you more generally.

And if you can make it, id again suggest going to the next meet up organised on here.

DownUniStudent

Hi, it's the OP again.

I still haven't told anyone since that one guy, nor have I ever done anything else about it.

My problem is that because I haven't really gotten with anyone in my life (male or female), I'd be very out of the loop so I'm not sure how I'll ever meet anyone, nevermind start a relationship. It doesn't help that I'm very unconfident and find it very difficult to make conversations with people I don't know.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I'm going into my final year of college, it'd be nice to have at least one year in college of 'freedom' as such - I have no idea how to break out of this rut though.

playedalive

DownUniStudent wrote: »

Hi, it's the OP again.

I still haven't told anyone since that one guy, nor have I ever done anything else about it.

My problem is that because I haven't really gotten with anyone in my life (male or female), I'd be very out of the loop so I'm not sure how I'll ever meet anyone, nevermind start a relationship. It doesn't help that I'm very unconfident and find it very difficult to make conversations with people I don't know.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I'm going into my final year of college, it'd be nice to have at least one year in college of 'freedom' as such - I have no idea how to break out of this rut though.

I know what you're feeling. I felt I needed to tell everybody when I acknowledged my gay side. But, it was such an anti-climax as people just saw it as another piece of information. In the case of my mum, she wanted to make sure that I was ok and that I didn't feel she would never approve. So, for a while, she kept bringing up issues such as gay marriage,etc (God love her ).

I think the best thing you can do is get involved with a LGBT group. Maybe the group in college would be helpful. Maybe the boards meet ups here (next one should be the start of August?) I attended about a handful of the boards meet ups up here in Dublin and it really did take all the misconceptions I had about being gay out of my head.