Really, really down right now

LegacyUser

Hi all.

So I've never posted here before but I'm coming here as a last resort, somewhere to type out my feelings as I have no one to talk to. Literally, not a soul.

I'd like to start by saying I'm mentally in a really bad way at the moment because of all of the below so I would really appreciate helpful comments only. I know I deserve some negativity because I've behaved terribly, but I really don't think I can handle any criticism at this moment in time.

Here's some background:
I'm 25, moved here 4 years ago from Scotland to be with my then boyfriend, now husband.
I met him 5 years ago working in Crete as a holiday rep, he was one too and we just clicked. Thought it was a holiday romance, stayed in touch afterwards and I ended up coming here for him and we married last year, fabulous family event in Greece and I was so happy. Really thought I was the luckiest girl in the world.

So fast forward to now.
Lately, I've been really unhappy. My husband is the kindest, most caring, thoughtful, wonderful and beautiful man in the whole world. He works his socks off for little money and never complains, always keeps smiling. Anyone that meets him tell me what a lovely person he is, I'm so lucky etc.

Lately though (few months) I've just kind of fallen out of love with him although I still love him if that makes sense? You know the old cliche - I feel like we're best friends living together. He really is my best friend, I adore him.

Our sex life is terrible though. I don't really know when we stopped having sex (we couldn't keep our hands off each other for the first couple of years together) but since getting married, our sex life has dwindled to nothing.
The only time we have sex is when we're really drunk and then it's not the sort of sex I want. I can barely remember it the next day and that makes it feel sort of wrong.
I don't want to have sex with him though. If he came home now and made a move, I'd reject him. There's no spark, I don't fancy him, there's no passion. Sex with him is a chore to me these days and I get no pleasure from it all. The only time I do is when I imagine other people (no one in particular, celebrities etc) or if we talk dirty and create a fantasy that turns us on. It's the fantasy I get the pleasure from though, not him.

I have no friends. Not a single person here who I could pick up the phone and talk to, a few acquaintances and couples we hang with on the odd occasion but no one close. Making friends when you're older is hard and believe me, I've tried. I've joined local clubs, I've made an effort with girlfriends/wives of my husbands friends, asked them out for drinks or coffee, loads of stuff but nothing ever seems to come of it. It puzzles and upsets me because I think I'm very approachable and friendly and I'm definitely a good laugh; this part of my life is making me feel so lonely and desperate, I've never experienced anything like it.

So anyway...
My husband has this friend that I met at a wedding a couple of years ago. I really fancied him, just on sight, he's very good looking. Had a great laugh with him, bit of a flirt but nothing more and I wouldn't have done at that point anyway, I was madly in love my husband and looking forward to getting him back to our room that night! I'm going to call him Dave because it's easier to tell the story using a name.
Didn't think of Dave again after the wedding. Then a few weeks ago, me and my husband went out for a friends birthday and Dave was there. We really clicked again and ended up going out for smokes together all night (my husband doesn't smoke and Dave was the only other person there who does). As the night went on, everyone was drunk and Dave said he was gutted that I was married and if I wasn't he would snap me up. It wasn't said in a coming on to me type of way, more of a compliment. It really gave me a confidence boost and I was delighted. I just thanked him and kind of laughed. Then me and the husband went home and that was that. Thought about him a bit in the coming days.
So the weekend just gone, me and hubs go to the pub. When we arrive, Dave is there and a few other friends. We all end up sitting together and as the night goes on, me and Dave end up together alone in the smoking area again. At this stage, I've decided I really fancy him. He starts telling me that he really fancies me; we had a long chat and I ended up telling him that I'm unhappy in my marriage, have no one to talk to, no friends etc. He said he hadn't stopped thinking about me since he last saw me and also confessed I'd been on his mind for months after he met me at the wedding.
Well, we ended up kissing. It was a really slow and passionate kiss, the kind I used to have with my husband in the beginning. And I really wanted it, I didn't pull away I just went with it. I honestly would have done more if I could.
We went inside afterwards as the pub was closing and me and the husband went home.

Since then I've not stopped thinking about him. He text me the day after to see how my hangover was and we texted a bit throughout the day - no flirting or even a mention of what had happened, just laughing about our sore heads really. He hasn't text me since then which I suppose is good but the terrible thing is, I want him to. I keep checking my phone.

I've come home from work and I'm just laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I feel completely and utterly depressed.
I feel trapped in a marriage that I regret, I'm so young and I feel I'm
missing out on so much.

I was feeling this way before I kissed Dave, he's just made me feel worse because now I truly realise how unhappy I am with my husband.

What on earth do I do? I can't leave my husband. He would be devastated, I love him too much to hurt him like that but at the same time I have to be happy in my own life right? I can't be this young and doomed to a life with no sex, no passion, no excitement.

I also couldn't bear to tell my own family that we were separating, they would mortified and so upset because they love him so much. His own family would also be heartbroken, I love him Mum to pieces. I also couldn't bear to never see our nieces and nephews again as I love them like they're my own blood.

I don't really know what advice I'm looking for I suppose I just needed to vent my problems.
If anyone does have any (helpful) advise though it would be appreciated, if anyone has a similar experience or can just identify with how depressed I'm feeling I would love to know because I'm really lonely and I'm crying as I type this

December2012

You're not the first person to behave like this, and you won't be the last.

Forget about Dave.

You need to address your mental and emotional health needs.

Talk to a therapist, by yourself first, and you can healthily unpick your brain and get mentally stronger and less confused. You could become more confident, (as that's obviously on the floor now), and rediscover yourself. You might rediscover your husband in the process, that's really of secondary concern. First thing is yourself.

desbrook

Hi OP - really sympathise with your story and don't worry I'm not going to blame or judge . I will however give it straight because that's what I do and most OP's want .

Firstly there's always the Samaritan's to talk to day or night . In fairness they are trained to help we are just gifted (sometimes ungifted amateurs )

The thrust of what I have to say is that falling out of love is not a crime - wasting your partners and your own time pretending you are in love with them is a crime- or should be !

Myself and my wife did it for years - maybe ten . Utter waste . I knew she wasn't happy but blamed myself mostly . I tried everything to please her to no avail . I don't think she was being cruel - just she wasn't happy either and was looking for excuses . I was miserable .Like you I worried what people/relations would think but eventually we got the courage to split . Life is way better for BOTH of us now.

I'm ignoring Dave which probably surprises you . He's a symptom not a cause of your feelings I'd say . If it wasn't him it might be someone else . The other reason I'm not making a big deal is that if you become single he may vanish - I don't know .

You need to take control of your life - but before you can you need to be true to yourself. Stop living a lie and things will improve.

Taltos

I really can't add to the advice above but will just suggest a few things (some reinforcement).

1. Put Dave out of your mind for the moment, you are conflicted and lonely and it is not a good time to start anything up.
2. Therapy/Counselling - suggest you arrange to see someone with a view to trying couples counselling. Only reason I am suggesting marriage therapy is so that if you do decide to end it you can say to yourself that you really did try, also this really does work when both parties commit to it - not always but in many cases.
3. Stop worrying about what your family think, being harsh it is none of their business.
4. His family - sorry but if you do split then you may have to accept losing contact - but this is NOT a good reason to stay if you are unhappy.

Really do think you and your OH need to talk, and soon, hence getting some guidance.

Wishing you all the best, I know it stinks, but having taken the first step here please follow through for your own sake and don't give into temptation, if people find out it will just label you and Dave and it can be hard to escape such labels...

ManOfMystery

Some good advice above.

First off - forget about Dave. He's an outlet for you at the moment, that's all - an escape from reality. It could be any good-looking guy who gives you a compliment and has a bit of a spark with you. But going down that route will only complicate things and make it harder for you to work out what you really want. I'm sure your husband wouldn't be too happy about the betrayal of his wife and his friend either. Keep your head clear until you've decided whether your marriage has a fighting chance or not.

And on the subject of your marriage, you need to have a long think about whether this can be salvaged or not. You owe it to your husband (who has by all accounts always treated you well and is oblivious to all this) to at least make an effort. You should talk to him about how you're feeling, and be open to the idea of going to counselling. Many, many people have thought their relationships were all but over only to have their eyes opened with professional marriage counselling and eventually realise they had something worth fighting for.

If you still feel the same after counselling, then fair dues - there's no point in continuing with a marriage you don't want to be in. It won't be easy and I realise you're worried about the effects on your respective families, but that's the reality of separation/divorce - you just have to mentally prepared to deal with it. All that matters is how you two feel, not anyone else. It's YOUR marriage.

Good luck.

Lorna123

You are bored with everything OP and the only reason you are interested in Dave is because he is something new. How long would this fascination last if you were both free to date one another? Married people don't stop finding the opposite sex attractive but they don't act on it. If we did there would never be a celibate marriage in the land. All relationships are more exciting at the beginning and then they taper off into a comfortable routine. None survive without making an effort, so don't get fed up just because the newness has worn off your marriage. You both need to be planning something for the future, a new house, renovations to an existing house, a family, a holiday, planning something together rather than just sitting back and expecting everything to just fall into place and remain exciting without any effort. Work on your sex life, and find a hobby and then join a club that relates to your hobby and not with the sole intention of making a friend and when you share a common interest with people friendships will develop. Hope things improve for you OP. Best of Luck.

jdsk2006

Hi OP, you sound so broken and confused right now and I really do feel for you. I wholly agree with the other posters, you need to first and foremost forget about dave. I can't say if your leaning too far " the other side " to salvage your marraige, from what you said in your post I wouldn't be at all surprised if you decide to leave your husband. Maybe you you would be right to but just remember good, kind,reliable, trustworthy men are a gem to be treasured.....If you have a husband that would undoubtedly take a bullet for you I would be seriously trying to fix yourself (notice how I said yourself). I feel maybe all this is a symptom of your own internal unhappiness that needs to be professionally explored. Whilst your young, I still say age is only a number. Marraige means a lot more than wild passion and lustful abandonment and you said yourself he is a wonderful person. I would be fearful you may wreck your marraige and hold massive regrets down the road.....

PrincessPreach

I really feel for you and it's obvious from your post that you don't want anybody to get hurt here but unfortunately we don't live in a fantasy land and people will get hurt.

I think Dave is just an escape for you that highlights how unhappy you are in your marriage. It's not your fault that the spark is gone. I'm sure that's the last thing you ever expected or wanted to happen and it must be heart breaking for you. Kissing his friend was a bad move though as I'm sure you're aware and it clearly shows that Dave is not a loyal friend or a safe bet.

I remember when I was 21 going out with a guy who adored me. He was my first ever bf and I thought i loved him too but looking back I guess I never really did, I was a kid. Anyway, I still remember falling out of 'love' with him and how sad it made me feel. It was my first time experiencing heart break and it wasn't cos I was being dumped, it was cos I didn't want him to touch me anymore. It's awful how that can happen but it isn't your fault.

I know I haven't offered any actual advice but your post made me feel sad. It can happen (and does happen) to loads of couples and it's sad;(

I hope you don't pursue the Dave thing. It's just a fantasy. I don't know what i'd do in your shoes but i'd like to think that i'd be honest with my husband, he deserves that much at least.

Best of luck. Don't sit around feeling guilty, there's no point. If you bang Dave then you can go ahead and feel super guilty. Until then though, try not be too hard on yourself. Maybe take a break to figure things out. Go away for a weekend on your own if that's possible (financially and otherwise).