Caught Bf in lie

LegacyUser

as the title says, my OH and i had an argument. We were out and i got pretty drunk which is an unusual thing for me. I remember we went back to his and had a fight but i couldnt remember much about it.
He told me i slagged his ex off, and i felt awful, i apologised, grovelled for a week, he didn't speak to me, made me feel like sh**e, which i felt i deserved. I couldn't believe i had been so horrible- its totally out of character for me. I never met his ex but there are NO jealousy issues there for me, they were together a long time and he's respectful & protective about her.

Thing is that i started remembering the fight, until now its all back again. I never slagged her at all- i asked a question about her job. The actual fight was totally unrelated, and he has let me believe i was horrible- he would never had told me the truth.

I feel really weird about this

mood

How long are you with him and how long ago did he split up with her?

ElleEm

Have you spoken to him about this? If he was drunk, then he may have a skewed version of what happened himself. It's best to just speak to him about it. Tell him you had a flashback and remember it being about X and not Y. See what he says and you can go from there.

Czarcasm

lyingconcern wrote: »

I feel really weird about this

OP not to be funny or anything as I know this troubles you, but I read the OP five times now and it's still as messed up as the first time, which makes me feel really weird about it too.

What ages are you? how long were he and his ex together? How long are you together? I mean, you say it was unusual for you to get drunk, then it was out of character for you to slag off his ex girlfriend, and you only remember you didn't do any of this a week later after your boyfriend chose to punish you all week about it by ignoring you?

I'm well and truly confused!

judgefudge

Sounds weird. Is it possible he took what you said as slagging her? Is it possible there is more to it than what you have slowly remembered over the last week? Is it possible he was just drunk too and genuinely believes you slagged her off?

Best thing really is just to talk to each other.

DeltaWhite

I feel your bf went OTT on you - drink is the devil, end of. It can bring out the absolute worst in people especially if they have had a bad day and then go drinking. Recipe for disaster. If neither of you can fully remember what was said I think you both need to move on from this argument.
You say you can remember you didn't slag her, but he says you did. Its obvious that alcohol has distorted your memories so I doubt you can fully get to the bottom of this fight because drink was involved!

You both need to sit down, have a chat about it, resolve the situation and move on from it!

LegacyUser

OP here,

Ok apologies if i haven't made it clear enough.

To answer some questions:
I'm 31, he's 40.
We've been together for 3 years.
Is ex is irrelevant, they have been split up for about 7/8 years, meet occasionally but both have moved on and i don't feel in any way that she's an issue.

The issue is that he was not drunk, just me. He told me i had said unacceptable things, let me believe it, so i apologized, grovelled, etc for a WEEK, he acted as though he was under sufferance, that i'd really hurt him, that this was a side he hadn't seen before etc....
I felt AWFUL about it.

It never happened.

He's got this way of turning things back on me, so i have said it to him, but he deliberately confuses what i'm saying and i got no answers.

judgefudge

lyingconcern wrote: »

OP here,

Ok apologies if i haven't made it clear enough.

To answer some questions:
I'm 31, he's 40.
We've been together for 3 years.
Is ex is irrelevant, they have been split up for about 7/8 years, meet occasionally but both have moved on and i don't feel in any way that she's an issue.

The issue is that he was not drunk, just me. He told me i had said unacceptable things, let me believe it, so i apologized, grovelled, etc for a WEEK, he acted as though he was under sufferance, that i'd really hurt him, that this was a side he hadn't seen before etc....
I felt AWFUL about it.

It never happened.

He's got this way of turning things back on me, so i have said it to him, but he deliberately confuses what i'm saying and i got no answers.

Is there ANY chance that you could still be forgetting something that you said?

I would only confront him on it if you are 100% sure he's making it up. It would be a strange thing for him to do.

mood

OP does he normally try to twist thing around? Does he not try to understand that you were drunk and what he said you did wasn't meant?

Czarcasm

judgefudge wrote: »

Is there ANY chance that you could still be forgetting something that you said?

I would only confront him on it if you are 100% sure he's making it up. It would be a strange thing for him to do.

That's what I'm thinking too, but while it's a strange way to be going on, I couldn't say it's unheard of, especially in a relationship where there's more going on underneath the surface.

I'd suggest OP that you chalk this one down as a drunken mistake seeing as you say yourself it was unusual for you to get so drunk and it was out of character for you to say anything about his ex.

On the surface it does seem a bit immature of him and quite frankly controlling, knowing full well how guilty you felt over it but still he maintained a stubborn stance rather than talk it out.

LegacyUser

Hey Op here again,

Thanks all of you who took the time to reply. Judgefudge, i did confront him on it, as i am certain. Of course he didn't deny it- he couldn't. He shouted me down about something else, my point wasn't heard, completely dismissed.

Yes it is a normal thing to turn things back on me, he makes comments and then when i get upset, he gets angry telling me things like 'you just want everyone to agree with you', some things he has said have been pretty nasty but he never apologises- he tells me im too sensitive, i don't want to hear 'the truth', he's 'teaching me lessons' about whats important.
or he simply justifies what he said. My point is never listened to.
Sorry for the rant but i'm really upset about this- if i hadn't remembered, he would never have told me it wasn't true, and would have brought it up for ages.

Big Bag of Chips

What are his good points?

It doesn't sound like your relationship is balanced, or much fun.

Chucky the tree

I've never heard of someone blacking out and then being able to remember everything that happened after a week. You'd want to be 100% sure you are right if you say it to him.

desbrook

OP - you need to accept responsibility regardless of whether you said xyz or not. It's a side issue. You got very drunk and blacked out - that should not be acceptable to a mature woman, or indeed man.
Having said that if your bf did what you say he did then he's no angel either. He's has been a manipulative bully - nothing less. Trouble is I don't believe you when you say a week later you suddenly remember everything - because it doesn't work that way.
Please stop fightin on this and learn from your experience - watch your drinking but also watch your boyfriend. Is he a point scorer? Does he try and make you feel guilty to put you down and gain power in your relationship? If so warning bells should ring loud and clear!

aidan24326

OP, the reality is that you may have said things you now don't remember. If you were very drunk and had a blackout then it's very likely that your memory of what transpired is still hazy whether you think so or not.

I think you need to park this one. I could say that your bf shouldn't be making you feel so guilty but then I wasn't there and don't know what was or wasn't said.

If everything else is good I wouldn't build this up too much or turn it into something more than it is. But your bf ought to drop the victim act now aswell and you both just forget about it. Otherwise you let a relatively small issue fester into something worse.

a posse ad esse

lyingconcern wrote: »

He's got this way of turning things back on me, so i have said it to him, but he deliberately confuses what i'm saying and i got no answers.

Sorry, from what I have read from your posts. Your bf is gaslighting. Look this up and if this is exactly it, end it. That is a form of emotional abuse.

LegacyUser

OP again,

I need to respond to those who think its strange i remembered things a week later. chuckythetree & desbrook it true. I still don't have everything 100% but things didn't add up as i remembered later that asking about his exes job was in a place hours before we got into a fight somewhere else. I felt strange about what he said so it really sat with me. I didn't 'suddenly remember everything' but i had enough a week later to confront him. I have already spoken to him about this.

Desbrook, i don't appreciate the implication that i'm lying about this. I am on boards to ask for some help because this is really strange- he doesn't take my side about much and seems to relish the opportunity to put me down, at least that's how its been for the last while. Telling me my responsibilities regarding alcohol is no good as i rarely do it and this is a situation completely out of the ordinary. I understand my responsibilities, i am- as you put it a mature woman.

I dunno, i mean maybe this is the icing on the cake, i'm becoming used to criticism by him that i don't feel like i can do anything right anymore. The way i sliced garlic was the last thing that annoyed him, he thought my slices were too big so it was a reflection on how lazy i am. Maybe i'm just tired, its late after all..

blatantrereg

He's horrible. Dump him.

Czarcasm

OP I'm just getting to read this thread now and what you've said gives a much clearer picture that this isn't just a one-off incident, that your boyfriend is manipulating and controlling you and this relationship is toxic as fcuk.

I'd get well out of there if I was you and stop putting up with his bullshìt. Is he like this with his ex? How do you get on with his ex? The whole thing sounds very messy and sounds like he has to be in control of everything, including you, guilt tripping you and manipulating you over the tiniest things. You'll be doing yourself no favors staying in this relationship, and I know I'd even be one to say no harm in staying friends with your ex, but it sounds like he's just friends with her to rub it in your face and have you compare yourself to her. There's three of you in that relationship and it's more than a bit crowded, and you'd be better off for your own sanity to give yourself some breathing room.

CaraMay

He is actually horrible. Why are u staying with him?

RossFixxxed

lyingconcern wrote: »

OP again,

... he doesn't take my side about much and seems to relish the opportunity to put me down, at least that's how its been for the last while.

Just take a second to read that again to yourself OP.

That is absolutely shocking, something is seriously wrong. There can be a tendancy here to say 'dump him' to every little thing that someone does wrong in a relationship... HOWEVER, if what you wrote above is true then you are in a horrible relationship and it seems like it is getting worse.

You really should leave him tbh. It sounds dreadful.

Imaging your younger sister / niece / daughter saying the quote above and what you would tell them to do!

LegacyUser

OP here,

Czarcasm, no his ex is out of the picture entirely, they might meet for a coffee once a year. He doesn't talk about her much but she sounds like a nice person, the only thing that he has said is that when she left, she told him that if she stayed with him, she's have a breakdown. So i don't think i'm the first here....

Caramay, that's a good question and i'm asking myself the same thing now. What am i getting out of this?
Not much, is he kind? no? considerate? no, generous? never, loving? sometimes, does he love me? really dont know anymore, is he fun? no, does he have to have his own way ALL THE TIME? yes, he has taken everything i have to give and still he wants more.

Why am i staying? good old self esteem issues probably. And i've no idea why i do, my family is really close & supportive, i have loads of friends, a job i love. I think i was single for so long in my twenties that i began to believe no one would ever like me. And its not like i don't take care of myself, i used to be a model. This is all in my head i think.

Rossfixed, you're right, its getting worse.

NeonCookies

lyingconcern wrote: »

he doesn't take my side about much and seems to relish the opportunity to put me down, at least that's how its been for the last while.

I dunno, i mean maybe this is the icing on the cake, i'm becoming used to criticism by him that i don't feel like i can do anything right anymore. The way i sliced garlic was the last thing that annoyed him, he thought my slices were too big so it was a reflection on how lazy i am. Maybe i'm just tired, its late after all..

OP, just read those bits over again. And imagine your best friend came to you and told you this about their partner. What would your advice be to them?

Your partner should be the one you can count on to take your side and to build you up and make you feel good. Not criticize and berate you constantly. Someone may have a preference over how they like their garlic sliced, but to equate that to your "laziness"???! I'd be telling him to chop his own garlic in future if it's such a big deal for him!!

The fact that you're "becoming used to criticism by him" is so sad We all need criticising sometimes, but it should never be a constant thing and it should be done with the best intentions i.e. to fix a problem, rather than make someone feel awful. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

Do you want this for the rest of your life?

Pippy1976

a posse ad esse wrote: »

Sorry, from what I have read from your posts. Your bf is gaslighting. Look this up and if this is exactly it, end it. That is a form of emotional abuse.

That's exactly what I was thinking as I was reading through this post. Gaslighting is such a subtle form of abuse that you don't even realise it's being done - then you start doubting yourself about events that happened.

Look it up, as a posse ad esse says.

RossFixxxed

It's getting worse. That is very bad. These things can escalate in an insidious way that beats you down and erodes your will to stand up for yourself.

To be totally blunt: you need to get away from that relationship for your meantal and possibly physical health. This has gone too far, and on for too long. You are clearly exhausted, upset and shaken. Arguments are one thing, undermining you and using psychological manipulation in such a mean and cynical way is totally out there.

You need to walk.

Let me put it this way: you will be posting in six months from a bad, dark place looking for a way out of your own hell and at the same time irrationally defending his behaviour. Do you want that? You're young (same age as me) and have so much life to live and fun to have. Get out there and drop this noose around your neck, please.

Good luck OP, steel yourself up and cut this malicious little tumour out of your life.

(I know it reads melodramtically but this situation is proper screwed up)

LittleBook

lyingconcern wrote: »

What am i getting out of this? Not much
is he kind? no?
considerate? no
generous? never
loving? sometimes
does he love me? really dont know anymore
is he fun? no
does he have to have his own way ALL THE TIME? yes
he has taken everything i have to give and still he wants more

Read and re-read what you've said above OP and seriously consider if you still want to be with this man in 6 months, hell 6 DAYS time. You have a network of support and you two are not living togther, get all the help you can get and get away from this relationship.

Just because it took you a long time to find this one, doesn't mean that it is the best you can hope for. And believe me, once you know what's not acceptable in a relationship, you will find a good one.

Emme

lyingconcern wrote: »

he's 'teaching me lessons'

OP, that doesn't sound good. I would regard somebody who wanted to teach their partner lessons all the time as controlling.

Has his treatment of you got better or worse over the years? Another poster mentioned gaslighting and abusive relationships.

I don't know your situation but when I was in my 20s I dated a guy in his 30s who kept subtly criticising me and further on into the relationship felt the need to "teach me lessons", one which involved abandoning me in a strange town because I disagreed with him over something.

He pressurised me to move in with him and I thought the "lessons" would stop. They got worse. Your bf criticised you for the way you sliced garlic :rolleyes:, this guy used to criticise me for the way I washed up, the way I mopped the floor (he had me doing all the housework) and I could do nothing right. Like you I had been single a long time before I met him and because of this did everything I could to please him and make the relationship work.

I ended up an emotional wreck. His friends would come over for dinner (me cooking, naturally) and if they criticised me or the cooking he would just laugh and give me a hard time afterwards for making him look bad. He would never defend me.

He used to tell me what to wear and discouraged me from going to the gym. Then he told me I was getting fat even though he told me I was too thin when we first met!

I left when he hit me. Even so the emotional abuse did much more damage.

You say you used to be a model. I bet your boyfriend tells you how to dress and makes sure you don't present your best self to the world.

I would advise you to leave him, get a makeover, take up a new hobby have some fun and get your self-confidence back.

Good luck.

Stavro Mueller

There has been a spate of threads here from women in nasty controlling relationships recently. The behaviour of the boyfriends varies of course but there are some themes running through them all. Namely that the women in question are constantly being undermined, criticized and made to feel that they are in the wrong. Despite this, they're still clinging on either because they're terrified of being single again or because they don't think they'll be good enough for anyone else.

All relationships have their ups and downs but any healthy one should have friendship, love and respect as its foundation. From what I can see here, this guy isn't giving you any of these. And because you were single for so long and probably wondering would you ever meet someone, you're putting up with it so that you don't have to be on your own.

LegacyUser

OP here again,

I want to thank everyone who took the time out to give me some advice, you've helped me more than you know.

I have decided f**k it, i'm miserable, its not going to get better so i'm getting out now.

Thanks again:)

mood

lyingconcern wrote: »

OP here again,

I want to thank everyone who took the time out to give me some advice, you've helped me more than you know.

I have decided f**k it, i'm miserable, its not going to get better so i'm getting out now.

Thanks again:)

Good for you. Why stay with someone who treats you badly and makes you miserable. Take some time to rebuild you confidence etc which must have taken a battering in a relationship like that.

Emme

lyingconcern wrote: »

OP here again,

I want to thank everyone who took the time out to give me some advice, you've helped me more than you know.

I have decided f**k it, i'm miserable, its not going to get better so i'm getting out now.

Thanks again:)

Good for you. It's onwards and upwards now, you won't know yourself!

Catphish

a posse ad esse wrote: »

Sorry, from what I have read from your posts. Your bf is gaslighting. Look this up and if this is exactly it, end it. That is a form of emotional abuse.

Nailed it.

lyingconcern wrote: »

OP here again,

I want to thank everyone who took the time out to give me some advice, you've helped me more than you know.

I have decided f**k it, i'm miserable, its not going to get better so i'm getting out now.

Thanks again:)

I'm glad you've made this decision, I've nothing further to add as the other posters literally have him sussed with the extra information you've given. You would only become more and more miserable with this man, I hope you do walk. You've made a great decision for your future and your own sanity op, well done and good luck.

irishgirl19

Best of luck OP! No one deserves that treatment

NeonCookies

Great decision OP! Life's too short to be miserable Go you!

Emme

OP, I hope you stick with this decision. Your soon to be ex-boyfriend might do one of a few things when you give him his P45.

1. He will back down, apologise, make all sorts of promises to be nice and say he'll take you out for a meal or away for the weekend to make up for things and patch up your relationship.

2. He will get very angry and abusive. He will tell you that nobody will want you now because (insert ridiculous and erroneous reason here) and you were lucky that he stayed with you for so long. It was your behaviour in the relationship that made him do the things he did. If you leave him you will never find anyone else, but if you change your behaviour and stay with him he will consider forgiving you for your past mistakes.

3. He will tell you that he was considering dumping you anyway and that you will never find anyone else.

Ignore all of this and move on. You will probably find somebody better than him but it's better to be on your own than with an abusive partner. If you stay the abuse will only get worse.

Good luck

blatantrereg

Emme wrote: »

OP, I hope you stick with this decision. Your soon to be ex-boyfriend might do one of a few things when you give him his P45.

1. He will back down, apologise, make all sorts of promises to be nice and say he'll take you out for a meal or away for the weekend to make up for things and patch up your relationship.

2. He will get very angry and abusive. He will tell you that nobody will want you now because (insert ridiculous and erroneous reason here) and you were lucky that he stayed with you for so long. It was your behaviour in the relationship that made him do the things he did. If you leave him you will never find anyone else, but if you change your behaviour and stay with him he will consider forgiving you for your past mistakes.

3. He will tell you that he was considering dumping you anyway and that you will never find anyone else.

Ignore all of this and move on. You will probably find somebody better than him but it's better to be on your own than with an abusive partner. If you stay the abuse will only get worse.

Good luck

He's also likely to switch between all three, even though they contradict each other. It's all tactics; veracity is not a consideration.

desbrook

Emme wrote: »

OP, I hope you stick with this decision. Your soon to be ex-boyfriend might do one of a few things when you give him his P45.

1. He will back down, apologise, make all sorts of promises to be nice and say he'll take you out for a meal or away for the weekend to make up for things and patch up your relationship.

2. He will get very angry and abusive. He will tell you that nobody will want you now because (insert ridiculous and erroneous reason here) and you were lucky that he stayed with you for so long. It was your behaviour in the relationship that made him do the things he did. If you leave him you will never find anyone else, but if you change your behaviour and stay with him he will consider forgiving you for your past mistakes.

3. He will tell you that he was considering dumping you anyway and that you will never find anyone else.

Ignore all of this and move on. You will probably find somebody better than him but it's better to be on your own than with an abusive partner. If you stay the abuse will only get worse.

Good luck

Extremely insightful post . Should be taught in school . Makes me almost ashamed to be a guy although females can use similar methods . My wife used to tell me nobody would have me - WRONG !

blatantrereg

desbrook wrote: »

Extremely insightful post . Should be taught in school . Makes me almost ashamed to be a guy although females can use similar methods . My wife used to tell me nobody would have me - WRONG !

I think just as many women do stuff like this as guys. Guys are probably less likely to tell anyone about it.

RossFixxxed

Glad to hear it OP Fair play to you. If you only take one thing away from this take Emme's advice above. It should be mandatory reading for anyone caught in this situation. Fair play to Emme for being open and sharing these things.

Emme

blatantrereg wrote: »

I think just as many women do stuff like this as guys. Guys are probably less likely to tell anyone about it.

They do, but the OP here is female and has been getting a hard time from her boyfriend. I was in a similar situation myself when I was in my 20s. However, I do know of guys who were in relationships with abusive women.

LegacyUser

Op again,

Emme, i never thanked you personally for telling me about your previous situation & your sound advice. You hit the nail on the head- 100%. Its great to hear you got away and are in a happier place now.. it was definitely progressing, he never hit me but did elbow me hard recently (couldnt sleep so tossed & turned so it woke him). Next day he just denied it altogether, said he's never do that but it happened. I mean- how do you argue with this sort of rationale? 'you did, i didn't, you DID, I DIDN'T....'

I finished it, i was seething so it was a lot easier than i thought. That example i gave was kind of like the straw that broke the camels back. There are many many other strange things that happened or were said to me. Its like the lights were turned on suddenly, i am mentally exhausted, so its all upwards from here.

And he did go between all three of your examples, mostly apologizing though i have to say. Another thing was to try to make me feel guilty, he has had a difficult life, give him the benefit of the doubt etc... but it's to late for me now to turn around on this.

Yes i know women do this as well, its a horrible, insidious way of trying to own someone but desbrook, i'm glad you didn't listen to your ex.

I'm not in the position as a lot of posters here who go through similar things, who go through awful things but are still defending their partners, i really had had enough and you all helped tip the balance over.

CaraMay

Well done op. You are very strong and deserve so much more. Be prepared for him to up the ante but don't go back. Plenty of nice men out there. Good luck

Neyite

I'm glad you got out of it OP. I only learned about Emotional Abuse and Gaslighting via a relationship so similar to yours, that I wondered if it was the same person. And I found myself nodding along to Beks post too.

Emotional Abuse is a bigger part of Domestic Abuse than we realise, and its far lesser known than it should be. An actual hitting incident is quick in the cycle of abuse, but the rest of the time its emotional abuse. Its walking around on eggshells trying to to inadvertently do or say anything that might set it off. So the tension builds again, the snide remarks, the gaslighting.

My ex hit all the hallmarks - denied thing, gaslighted, insults were dressed up as a joke, and he was only messing and I had no sense of humour. I was told I was fat when I was a size 6, everything I did in the home was criticised for being the wrong way to do things. Name calling was normal. That he was a saint to put up with me, that no-one would want me.

I know a man who was in an abusive relationship - differing ways of it happening but more manipulative, and I think out of the two of us, he had it worse.