My unwelcome customer

SparkySpitfire · 07-05-2013 12:18am #1

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to be posting in, but I'm sure it'll be moved if not.

First off, let me explain myself. I panic when I'm in uncomfortable situations and say things I don't mean (well, lie) to try iron out awkwardness. In other words, I tell people what they want to hear and then later on I'm left with the repercussions.

Also, before I tell my story; I KNOW I've handled it badly thus far. Please don't scold me for it, I'm acutely aware I've made this situation worse. :rolleyes: I want to make it better now. I'm just not good at dealing with situations I'm unprepared for.

Now, here's my story....

I'm a young woman working in a tiny shop that's not often busy. One day 2 weeks ago an English boy (EB from here on in) around my age I guess, came in, made a purchase and left.
He then came back an hour later under the guise of buying something else and while doing so, pretty much told me his life story. He even proceeded to KEEP TALKING as I tried to DO MY JOB and deal with other customers.
Pretty much I learned that he's over here to live with his mum for a while, he's looking for a job (search is not going well) and will soon return to England because he has a better chance of getting a part time job there.
I tried to give him the message that I wasn't really up for holding a full conversation as I was trying to work and he said goodbye and left.

That was the end of that.

Or so I thought.

EB returned the next day only to find my manager (only 3 of us work there, the other shop girl is on study leave so my manager does weekdays and I do weekends) there instead of me. He proceeds to ask my manager when I'd be working next. :eek: As I'd told my manager about our earlier uncomfortable encounter, he lied and told EB I'd be in on Tuesday.

Grand, he'll come in on Tuesday and forget about me come the weekend.

Wrong again.

EB comes in on Sunday and makes an order, I'm getting it ready for him and he tells me "There's actually another reason I'm here, I don't really know anybody around here and I'm looking to make some friends, would you wanna hang out some time?" ALARM BELLS!!!!! "Come on Sparky" I say to myself, "Say something quick, this is awful, think of an excuse, fast!!!"

This is where my inept social skills/lack of initiative steps in.

Sparky: "Eh uh sure, I think my friends might be going out tomorrow for pints or something, you could probably tag along."
(I notice his demeanor shift - in possible disappointment? His smile faded when I mentioned other people. Anyway, ALARM BELLS!!!!! again when I noticed this. I'm a panicker!)
EB: "Okay cool, eh I should get your number so you can give me details"
Sparky: "Oh eh, I actually don't have a phone (truth) but you can add me on Facebook" (I KNOW, I'M SORRY, THIS IS WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG.)
EB: "Cool, I'm gonna need your name then, sorry, my name is **** *extends hand for handshake*

"
Sparky: "Oh it's Sparky S-P-I-T-F-I-R-E (I RACED through the spelling of my difficult surname in the hopes he wouldn't catch it) "

So we say bye and he leaves.

Not even 20 minutes later I get the friend request. :eek: I don't accept because

I don't want him to see all my info
I have no intention of actually being friends with him
My manager (also my uncle I might add?) advised me not to if I didn't want to

So I walk into work today at 12.00 and who swans in at 12.05? My heart literally sinks.

And as predicted, his first sentence is;
EB: "So, I notice you didn't accept my friend request"
SS: "Yeah, sorry, I wasn't on last night"
EB: "My mum told me that it was a hint and I should take it but I dunno *looks awkwardly at the floor "
SS: "Oh............................. no"
EB: "So what time and what pub for later?"
SS: "Oh, I don't think anyone wants to go anymore, no one's messaged me or anything and my friends are always bailing. But you know it's exam time, mine start on Friday (true) and don't end until near the end of May. Same with all my friends. No one has free time really. And I think my boyfriend's picking me up today instead."
EB: "Oh right yeah, oh god it's not like that I just genuinely want to make friends it's nothing like that at all"
SS: "Oh yeah I know yeah"
*awkward pause*
SS: "Well I'll let you know if anything comes up but I dunno, see you!"
EB: "Yeah bye!!"

Okay, a few things:

He creeps me out a bit
But I don't think he's a proper weirdo
I think he DOES just want to make friends
I do feel sorry for him which is why I tripped over myself and said all those things I shouldn't have
I get that he wants to make friends but I really feel that approaching someone in their work place where they can't escape you is not the way to do it!
I feel like I've already done enough damage with my lies and now I'm just looking to end this with as much sparing of his feelings as possible
I know I handled this in what could be the worst possible way but I really want to fix it and do some damage control

Any help?

john the one · 07-05-2013 12:24am

Make sure your shovel is sharp cos your gonna be digging your own grave with him watching over. Literally

toastedpickles · 07-05-2013 12:26am

If you ask me, you handled it fine, chap seems a bit clingy, and the fact he kept coming back and stuff, could have waited or something like

Sure if he comes back deal with him in a "professional" way

SparkySpitfire · 07-05-2013 12:31am

Forgot to mention he did stop by on Tuesday, as my uncle told me. And again on Wednesday and Friday... :eek:

I think I've just hit the line in my job where I can't handle any more weirdos. I have the gay guy that's always making lewd comments and the old pervert that buys me presents and kisses my hands.

EB is, (unfortunately for him) the straw that broke this camel's back.

Thanks for all your responses so far btw

biko · 07-05-2013 12:32am

Seems he is interested in you, either romantically or as a friend.
You can give him the cold shoulder if you're not interested, make up a boyfriend or something. Also you need to stop giving out info about yourself to strangers.

toastedpickles · 07-05-2013 12:33am

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Forgot to mention he did stop by on Tuesday, as my uncle told me. And again on Wednesday and Friday... :eek:

I think I've just hit the line in my job where I can't handle any more weirdos. I have the gay guy that's always making lewd comments and the old pervert that buys me presents and kisses my hands.

EB is, (unfortunately for him) the straw that broke this camel's back.

Thanks for all your responses so far btw

I think you need a new job, if that was me I'd be long gone, or getting my marching orders for being abusive to customers :P

Cavehill Red · 07-05-2013 12:34am

Sounds like you need to be much more firm about drawing the line at professional courtesy, so that the freaks are under no illusion that you're simply there doing a job and have no interest or intention in any other form of interaction with them.

December2012 · 07-05-2013 12:34am

I think you handled it fine to be honest.

It's very hard to rebuff some personal life advances when you're in work.

I think the guy likes you in a romantic sense and in one way I would commend him for trying. BUT it's not up to you to make him feel better about getting rejected.

SparkySpitfire · 07-05-2013 12:36am

biko wrote: »

Seems he is interested in you, either romantically or as a friend.
You can give him the cold shoulder if you're not interested, make up a boyfriend or something. Also you need to stop giving out info about yourself to strangers.

Definitely. I'm a spa - I'll openly admit that. I just was caught off-guard and said stupid things amidst panic and feeling sorry for him.

Also, I don't need to make up a boyfriend, I have one and I made sure to mention it today. That might just do it, but I'm afraid EB is tougher than that...

toastedpickles · 07-05-2013 12:37am

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Definitely. I'm a spa - I'll openly admit that. I just was caught off-guard and said stupid things amidst panic and feeling sorry for him.

Also, I don't need to make up a boyfriend, I have one and I made sure to mention it today. That might just do it, but I'm afraid EB is tougher than that...

Get your boyfriend to give him a talking, or just to hang around the shop with you, might do the trick

SparkySpitfire · 07-05-2013 12:38am

toastedpickles wrote: »

I think you need a new job, if that was me I'd be long gone, or getting my marching orders for being abusive to customers :P

I would! There's loads of things I hate about it but so many more reasons to stay... Free slushies being one :P

I work in a sweet shop and the kids (mostly) are an absolute delight. Pity there's no age restriction on the door...

Cavehill Red · 07-05-2013 12:41am

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Definitely. I'm a spa - I'll openly admit that. I just was caught off-guard and said stupid things amidst panic and feeling sorry for him.

Also, I don't need to make up a boyfriend, I have one and I made sure to mention it today. That might just do it, but I'm afraid EB is tougher than that...

EB comes into shop and asks to socialise?
"I'm sorry, sir. We have a policy of not socialising with customers. That would not be appropriate. I'm sure you understand."
Oul pervy fella tries to give you gifts and kiss your hand?
"I'm sorry, sir. We have a policy of not accepting gifts from customers. That would not be appropriate. I'm sure you understand."
Gay guy makes lewd comment?
""I'm sorry, sir. We have a policy of not permitting that sort of talk on the premises. If you do so again, I will have to ask you to leave because it is not appropriate. I'm sure you understand."

I'm sure you see a pattern here. It's the all-purpose annoying customer protocol: cut off what they're doing, tell them it's not allowed by the management, inform them that they're over the line, and then suggest they take the step back.

SparkySpitfire · 07-05-2013 12:45am

toastedpickles wrote: »

Get your boyfriend to give him a talking, or just to hang around the shop with you, might do the trick

It'd probably work - he's a pretty big guy and needless to say, isn't happy about this situation at all.

But I think that's going the more unprofessional route and I want to keep this as tidy and non-offensive, non-aggressive as possible.

Cavehill Red wrote: »

I'm sure you see a pattern here. It's the all-purpose annoying customer protocol: cut off what they're doing, tell them it's not allowed by the management, inform them that they're over the line, and then suggest they take the step back.

I would... but the old man has been coming to the shop and perving on the girls since before I started working there.
And my uncle entertains the gay guy so his behavior has become "normal" too.

It definitely shouldn't have been let go on this long with either of those two men and I've even let the EB thing go on too long before nipping it in the bud.

I think an issue is that our shop is, and always has been pretty informal as most of the customers are locals and regulars and those professional boundaries haven't been in place so it wouldn't really be feasible for me to turn around and act that way, if you understand me?

But I agree, it should have been like that from the start.

Cavehill Red · 07-05-2013 12:50am

Maybe you ought to talk to your uncle about the level of discomfort some of this is making you feel, and ask for his support in changing the culture so that it is more professionally courteous?

belcampprisoner · 07-05-2013 1:07am

start wearing hairnet

http://imageserver.grainger.com/is/image/Grainger/4GL63_AS01?$productdetail$

Mrs OBumble · 07-05-2013 12:03pm

OP, you are going to meet people like this throughout your life, so you gotta learn to deal with 'em.

First, don't make up boyfriends (or lesbian lovers

... that just makes potential psychos jealous and keen to prove that they're better than your current OH, and as you say can lead into rather unprofessional behaviour. (I assume you don't want your boyfriend arrested for assault!)

Don't lie ("sorry but I have to wash my hair" or whatever), because sooner or later you will get caught out in your lies, no matter how white, and that eggs them on too.

Learn to say "No, I don't feel comfortable about that". Practise saying it in the mirror if you have to. If they ask "why", just say "because", and don't be drawn into discussion. And don't ever let anyone tell you that you feel comfortable with somthing when you don't.

Learn to say, very firmly "You need to leave the shop now" - make sure you have your uncle's backing on this, and if necessary be prepared to call the guards and complain that he's trespassing. If you have it in your mind that you are willing to go that far, then it's likely that EB will "read" this from you, and give up. Ditto, if you're thinking "I could never do that" - he will sense this tool.

A strategy that sometimes works is to deflect the conversation to something that makes the other person uncomfortable. In your case - maybe ask him why he's wearning such an ugly teeshirt, or what he thinks about the English army's role in the North. This may make him go away - but it's a strategy that needs to be used with some care, because it may backfire into giving him an excuse to talk. Religion can be another turn-off topic ... ask him if he prays to the sacred heart or something ...

good luck.

tatli_lokma · 07-05-2013 12:06pm

Maybe ask your uncle to step in next time EB arrives in? He could interrupt and say something like, 'I'm sorry but Sparky is here to work, not socialise so if you don't mind I need her to get back to work'.

That might put him off calling into the shop so often.

Another thing you could do is have a look around your area for community groups and make a list of them. Then next time he comes in, tell him that with exams, work and 'family committments' you are not really available much for socialising, but 'here's a list of community groups - why not try one out, that would be a good way to make friends'.

Maybe also mention that your boyfriend tends to be the jealous type, so if he wants to be friends with you he'll need to make friends with your boyfriend also. Then get your big burly boyfriend to arrive at the same time as him and be a tad intimidating and unwilling to make friendly chatter.

You could always 'add' him on Facebook, but limit his profile so that he see's very little of your information. Then once you've 'added' him, give it a week or two and just delete him! Or you could message him and explain that although he is a very nice chap, you don't think you or your circle of friends have very much in common with him. and then delete him!

I know these solutions are a bit passive-aggressive, but sometimes it is the only way to deal with certain personalities. In an ideal world you could just say, look, I'm really not interested in a relationship - be it as friends or otherwise - with you. I don't mean to hurt your feeligns but I don't think we have a lot in common'. But in reality, not many people are comfortable in being so blunt.

Papillon! · 07-05-2013 1:56pm

Eh this guy sounds like a major oddball. I even feel weird about calling into my friends work as I dont want to get them in trouble. The fact that he sees nothing wrong with that, and he barely knows you, I'd keep my distance or ask him is there anything you can help him with cos you're run off your feet...

Sounds a bit strange but I know the sort :rolleyes:

07-05-2013 4:53pm

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

I think an issue is that our shop is, and always has been pretty informal as most of the customers are locals and regulars and those professional boundaries haven't been in place so it wouldn't really be feasible for me to turn around and act that way, if you understand me?

That's the crap thing about retail, there isn't much room to assert yourself unless someone is doing something wildly inappropriate. Especially in a local business where you're not just under pressure to keep people happy, but to act like their best friend too, most people in your position experience these things. I think the best line so far has been "I wouldn't really be comfortable with that", followed by avoidance. But don't blame yourself, anyone else would have acted in a similar way, it's not your fault that this guy seems fixated on you.

My unwelcome customer

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