I need help !!!

Claire Byrne

I love my boyfriend like crazy we've had some hard times but were more in love than ever ! However lately my boyfriend is on edge and saying how I feel or opening my mouth starts world war 3 where I am always wrong !
My boyfriend has a friend who's a girl I'll admit when we first started going out I was a little jealous over time tho that jealous has gone there mates after all !
But lately my boyfriend has been treating me like his friend he is not emotional or talk about his feelings at all , but he's been calling me mate boy son and kid names he calls his mates .
My friend told me tonight tho while using his phone she had seen he had been texting his girl-friend calling her babe , gorgeous and lovely , when I asked him why he flew off the handle at me , keep in mind I'm cool as a cumber I just want to know why just makes me a little uncomfortable he does all her this ! He eats my head off tho am crazy need cop on grow up and a ****ing idiot no other girl would be like this .
I don't feel like I'm wrong I just wanted talk about it tell him how I felt but he kills me . Do any other ladies out there think I am completely wrong ??? Or have any advice .
Thanks

blatantrereg

Dump him. He's disloyal and a bully.

Claire Byrne

That's what my friends say but for all time times he goes crazy I forgive him and hope he'll change . It just feels like I can't talk to him anymore because I I say something the wrong way he'll get mad at me and all the time I end up begging for forgiveness !
Even if we talk about simple things he tells me to cop on and grow up .
I can't talk to him and if I try tell him this he tells me I criticise him and annoy him and I know I'm not perfect and I do give out but I just want to be able to talk to him and I can't tell him this as it will be another row !

Claire Byrne

I know he would never cheat on me with this girl isn't just it makes me feel crap when he calls her babe and gorgeous and I get " son " and "kid" and "boy" ...am I being crazy in saying this to him last thing I want to do is annoy him and fight .

Stavro Mueller

Claire Byrne wrote: »

That's what my friends say but for all time times he goes crazy I forgive him and hope he'll change . It just feels like I can't talk to him anymore because I I say something the wrong way he'll get mad at me and all the time I end up begging for forgiveness !
Even if we talk about simple things he tells me to cop on and grow up .
I can't talk to him and if I try tell him this he tells me I criticise him and annoy him and I know I'm not perfect and I do give out but I just want to be able to talk to him and I can't tell him this as it will be another row !

Forget about the kid, boy etc. crap you mentioned in the post after this one. THIS is what you should be focusing on. You should start listening to your friends. They can see exactly what is going on here.

You are in an unhealthy somewhat abusive relationship. How abusive I can't tell but it's not good. I notice you are the one who's on the back foot here. The one who's always wrong, the one who's begging for forgiveness. The one who is fooling herself into thinking that things will get better.

Take off those rose-tinted glasses and take a good hard look at what is actually going on here. You are with a cheating bully who has you right where he wants you.

Claire Byrne

I know I need to stand up for myself and that's what I plan to do because I know myself I have been wrong in the past apologised and taken responsibility for my actions but when the shoes on his foot he doesn't care doesn't chase me believes I'm still wrong and doesn't care if we never make up I just wish he would mature at times were together 2years and I used to think it was heading somewhere now I don't because what kind of relationship is it if I can't open my mouth and lately I've asked him to tell me what to do and say so there can't be rows I don't want it be like this but if it has too I will have to stick with it

Stavro Mueller

I think you need to look at this
Especially the first table on the page

Claire Byrne

Thanks for your advice things probably won't get easier but good to know someone understands me

December2012

He will not change.

Leave him now before its too late.

December2012

Also look at this http://www.2in2u.ie/ and see do any bells go off about your "good" times.

Stavro Mueller

Did you not read the links myself or December2012 posted?

You are clearly hell bent on sticking this out come hell or high water. Poor you is all I can say. I deleted my first reply to this thread because it became increasingly irrelevant as you gave us more information. Who cares if he's doing the horizontal mambo with his female friend or is calling you kid? That is the sideshow to the main issue here.

You are in an abusive relationship and are deluding yourself into thinking it's love. What is it that you are getting out of this relationship? Aside from being bullied, belittled, shouted at, cheated on and constantly being wrong... Don't fool yourself into thinking that he'll not cheat on you either. Your preconceived ideas about how wonderful this guy is are built on sand.

I'm off to bed now but I'll leave you with one last question. Why are you so determined to stick with this relationship even though you've said yourself that it's not going to get any better? Are you really that desperate?

Claire Byrne

You are right but how do I get him to change or see the way he treats me I am really in love with him and walking away of finishing with him seems like the end of the world to me ! I suppose maybe I am desperate I probably can't do any better than this man

December2012

You cannot get him to change.

You will survive without him.

Better to be single than to be abused.

Stavro Mueller

He is never going to change. Ever. Though maybe he'll do the sensible thing and leave you for the woman he actually fancies. He clearly doesn't feel that way about you, that's for sure. No, you're the silly infatuated fool at home who backs down when she has the sheer temerity to have an opinion of her own. The cheek of her.

What is it that you are getting out of this relationship? Other than the happy knowledge that you're not single?

Some posters on threads like this one have suggested reading a book called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216

December2012

Normally I would not say listen to what others think of your relationship. However, you say your friends think he is bad news.

This is huge.

You will see questions posed here all the time by people worried about the abusive relationship their loved one is in.

Maybe read a few of them, and put your own situation under the microscope.

Also, remember, abusive husbands don't start out that way. No man hits a woman on the first date.

It starts of sweetness and fun, and gets edgier, slowly.

You're probably at the tipping point now.

Czarcasm

Claire Byrne wrote: »

I know I need to stand up for myself and that's what I plan to do because I know myself I have been wrong in the past apologised and taken responsibility for my actions but when the shoes on his foot he doesn't care doesn't chase me believes I'm still wrong and doesn't care if we never make up I just wish he would mature at times were together 2years and I used to think it was heading somewhere now I don't because what kind of relationship is it if I can't open my mouth and lately I've asked him to tell me what to do and say so there can't be rows I don't want it be like this but if it has too I will have to stick with it

OP seriously, listen to what the other posters here are telling you, your friends are telling you, even your own gut instinct is telling you. Even read what you wrote above- you've asked him to tell you what to say and you'll stick it out if that's the way it has to be...

What he's telling you OP is that you are giving him the right to treat you like crap, and you'll settle for being treated like crap in the hope that one day you'll make him love you the way you love him. You don't love him OP, you just love the idea that one day you'll prove everybody else wrong and he'll come good.

It doesn't happen OP, and the longer you let yourself be treated like this, the longer he's going to refer to you as just a "kid", while this other girl is his "babe". You're allowing yourself to settle for being treated second best OP, he knows he has you where he wants you, so he doesn't need to show you any respect.

Can you imagine if he talked to this other girl like he talks to you? I imagine she wouldn't be long telling him to fcuk right off, and you need to do the very same thing OP, purely for your own sake because this guy is nothing but an ego-driven head melt.

StickyIcky

I don't really understand the mentality of someone who sticks around in a relationship like this where they're treated like crap and they seem to be blind to it.

OP must have very low self esteem and be so scared of lossing what they probably think is their only chance for a relationship because they're not good enough to get anything else, yet alone anything better. That's the only explaination I can come up with for what I've read here today.

It's sad really. I hope the OP has a realisation and a moment of clarity and comes to their wits and realises there's a lot more better guys out there. Single guys desperately hoping to meet a girl that would treat them so nicely as OP treats her bf. Except these guys would treat you as good as you treat them, not disrespect you and treat you like muck the way OP's boy treats the OP.

It's shameful really on both your parts. Him for treating you like that and you for putting up with it. You are your own worst enemy right now.

ShaShaBear

StickyIcky wrote: »

I don't really understand the mentality of someone who sticks around in a relationship like this where they're treated like crap and they seem to be blind to it.

OP must have very low self esteem and be so scared of lossing what they probably think is their only chance for a relationship because they're not good enough to get anything else, yet alone anything better. That's the only explaination I can come up with for what I've read here today.

It's sad really. I hope the OP has a realisation and a moment of clarity and comes to their wits and realises there's a lot more better guys out there. Single guys desperately hoping to meet a girl that would treat them so nicely as OP treats her bf. Except these guys would treat you as good as you treat them, not disrespect you and treat you like muck the way OP's boy treats the OP.

It's shameful really on both your parts. Him for treating you like that and you for putting up with it. You are your own worst enemy right now.

And what's even sadder is that she probably feels that way because of the way he is treating her.

He's smart - best case scenario, she sticks around and basically becomes his doormat and he can continue to have his cake and eat it too. Worst case, she dumps him, and he can play up the "broken heart" and start seeing his new floozy without looking guilty, as she was the one who left.

Oryx

Claire Byrne wrote: »

You are right but how do I get him to change or see the way he treats me I am really in love with him and walking away of finishing with him seems like the end of the world to me ! I suppose maybe I am desperate I probably can't do any better than this man

You can not make him change. The only person here that you can change is YOU, by being stronger, and more in control of your life. At the moment, your fella is calling all the shots.

You say you are desperate and cannot do better. Those are the words of someone whose self esteem is in her boots, maybe he caused that, or maybe its just part of you. But you need to realise that of course you can do better. You do not have to settle for this.

If you stay with this man you will forever be trying to make him happy but you will always fail. That will damage you in ways you wont even realise till it is too late. If you leave you will have a period of time when you will be lonely, in pain, confused and sad. I promise you, the second option is the better one for your longterm wellbeing.

It sounds to me like your man does not cherish you, or love you. He may even resent you in some way. You deserve more than that, and there is better than that out there, but you need the courage to leave this situation so that you can move on and see this relationship for the mess that it is.

Chara1001

Hi OP

You don't seem to be able to picture life without him right now, so maybe try to picture sometime in the future- say 3 years?

Obviously you're not going to get him to change OP, you need to stop thinking that way, he can treat you any way he likes and you will beg his forgiveness for it. Him changing is out of the question, he never will. EVER. EVER EVER. In fact its going to get much worse. Since he doesn't respect you, 3 years down the line you're going to be a shell of who you are now.

I reckon you're starting to believe you're a headwrecking, jealous, stroppy, annoying person who is desperate to hang onto your lovely boyfriend who you BOTH believe is too good for you. And this will continue to get worse.

I know you don't see it this way but from what you've said, he would be doing you a favour if he left you for this girl.

But to be honest, i would be surprised if he left you. Why? (i'm so sorry OP, i know this is harsh but please take it in the manner in which I mean it)
Because you are his plaything- he can mess around with you, 3 years from now he will be calling ALL of the shots, making your decisions for you, taking away your autonomy. You're not going to lift a finger without his say so. He will dangle the idea of breaking up in front of you to keep you unreassured and more likely do things his way.

Don't keep this in, talk to your friends and family, if you need outside assurance, let them do it- they're on your side, but your boyfriend is not.

Think about yourself and your self esteem, i mean i'm sure you know that you don't deserve to be treated badly, there are many men out there who would treat you so well. Respect, love, equality. This is not just something that 'other people' get- YOU deserve to have this for yourself also. But it will probably have to be with someone else.

I'm so sorry about this harsh post, i don't want to upset you

The very best of luck

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, your boyfriend sounds very manipulative. You question him about his indiscretions, he loses the plot and you beg for forgiveness? Can you not see the flaw in this logic?

It sounds like you are dead set on trying to change this guy, and won't give up on him no matter what he does. If that really is the case you should prepare yourself for a lifetime of misery.

Everyone has pretty much told you the same thing. If your boyfriend had any intention of treating you better, seeing you upset would have been the kick in the arse he needed to do so.


As hard as it may be to accept, it sounds like this relationship is dead in the water. If you don't demand and expect better treatment for yourself, you won't get it.

blatantrereg

I probably can't do any better than this man

There are plenty of guys who would sooner cut their own mickies off than act the way he does towards you. Not distinguished unattainable guys. Just decent normal people.

You might be thinking his treatment of you is the norm, because maybe it's the norm for you. But think of other people you know. Ask yourself if it really is normal at all.

There is some trick of the mind here where you esteem him far too much. You only think of what you see as positive traits in him. Everyone else can see he is horrible, but you make allowances for it: He'll grow out of it. You'll change him. You say you've been with him two years now. Have you changed him at all? I don't need to know you to tell that he treats you worse, not better. Don't need to know you to tell that he's made you smaller, less ok with yourself, not happier.

You could leave him. It would be easier, better, the correct action really.