Question about sex and confidence

LegacyUser

This is very personal hence the anonymity. I was in an abusive relationship before, it was verbally, physically, sexually, psychologically abusive and I had a LOT of counselling to overcome it but never truly believed I'd overcome it enough to fall in love or even have a healthy sex life again. In fact I posted here before about my issues and fear of sex and even reading the replies (which gave me immense comfort) I never really believed I'd enjoy, feel comfortable or be unafraid of sex again.
I was wrong and you were all right. I went back to counselling and got my confidence back. And my mojo I have fallen in love with a great man. We have a lot of sex and each time we do it he comes 3-4 times before we stop. I never experienced that with my ex before and it feels really great. Here is my little issue though, I am not as toned as I used to be. I was a dance teacher for 5 years and so my body was always in healthy shape but after that bad relationship I stopped dancing, gained about 1.5 stone and lost a tonne of self esteem. I am self conscious about being on top. I know it's stupid but I feel like I'll look like a whale to him. We do it in lots of other ways but I know he'd like me to take control and I'd love to too, if I had a few less wobbly bits. I also haven't performed oral sex for a man since the abusive guy and I'd like to for my new man but I am really self conscious about doing it. Despite the sex being really satisfying there is a part of me that feels like it can't really be a good sex life unless I go down on him. This was something my ex strongly believed. I do really want to do it for my new guy but I still feel a bit of fear about it and I am afraid he'll sense it and not enjoy it. I have come a long way thanks to this guy and am truly satisfied with him but there is a little part of me that worries that I need to up the ante and do more to please him. Oral and being on top are the only two things I haven't done for him yet but I am nervous and I don't understand it because we've done lots of other things, even stuff that was totally new to me so this doesn't make sense. Has anybody any advice?

Czarcasm

I gotta be honest OP I nearly fell back off my chair when I read you have a guy coming three or four times a go, I mean, I really don't think your problem is you doing anything "wrong" there!

Of course though seriously OP it makes a lot of sense that with your new found confidence you'd want to get back to the way you were before your abusive ex so you can put that chapter in your life behind you, so you want to feel good about yourself again both mentally and physically.

I'd suggest OP that these ideas you're placing on the "importance" of performing oral sex for your new boyfriend are just hang-on notions that your ex planted in your mind, and his idea of what constitutes a "good relationship" are, as you've discovered for yourself- waaay off base.

Your new boyfriend hasn't mentioned anything about you "upping the ante" (I get what you mean, it's just the way you phrase it, it comes across like you're putting this immense pressure on yourself), so your boyfriend clearly doesn't see it as any kind of deal breaker.

Have you mentioned these thoughts to your new boyfriend? Because any advice anyone could give you here would only come second best to the reassurance and understanding you would get from your boyfriend regarding this issue, and I'm sure once he's aware of it, it's something you can both take your time on to work through together so you don't have to feel tense, nervous or pressured into feeling you have to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable just because you think it's what your new boyfriend wants.

Still can't get over that, four times? That's not a man you have there OP, that's a frickin' stallion, and more power to you tbh!

username123

Czarcasm wrote: »

Still can't get over that, four times? That's not a man you have there OP, that's a frickin' stallion, and more power to you tbh!

+1

Im too stunned to continue typing except to say - dont worry, everything you are doing is obviously right! And everything Czarcasm says.

Esoteric_

If you can make him come so many times, you're doing a great job, honestly. I thought I was doing well getting twice out of any man I do things with! :pac:

With regards to the being on top/wobbly bits part - I feel you. I used to be around 22-23 stone, and lost most of it, so I'm at 11 now. But, I still need to do a lot of toning up and lose another few stone. I get REALLY embarrassed at the idea of being on top because I don't want the bloke seeing my stomach or whatever else.

Thing is though, let's face it, he won't be looking at your stomach, he'll be waaaay more focused on your boobs and the sheer fact that you're on top. I just keep reminding myself of that and away I go!


With regards to oral, have you spoken to him about your reticence with that? If you speak to him about it, I'm sure he'll be happy to wait, and to take that aspect very slowly. Start slowly, play with it, use your tongue rather than your mouth, just to tease him basically. Over time you'll build yourself up to doing the full whack.

I never had a problem with oral, but after a relationship similar to what you described, I had a massive problem with er, using my hand. So I told the next guy I was seeing, he understood and let me take it at my own pace. Until I was ready, I used other things to keep him satisfied, and eventually I got to a place where I was happy to do everything.

Simple fact - if you're making him come that many times, you're far from bad in bed. Fantastic would be the word I'd use, actually. :pac:

So take your time, discuss your issues or concerns and do things at your own pace. If he wasn't satisfied, he wouldn't still be around, so you're clearly doing something right as you are!

Meauldsegosha

OP I've said this on other threads and men agree with me, when most men are having sex they aren't thinking about anybody's whobbly bits. They are thinking woohoo I'm having sex, this women is having sex with me, I'm having sex woohoo!!! So I wouldn't worry too much about being on top.

As for oral don't feel you have to do it, some women don't like it and never perform it. You have come such a long way from your last relationship and that is great. So take your time, talk to your partner and tell him your concerns and when the time feels rights start experimenting and exploring his body more. You seem to have a good sex life so I think he will be happy to wait until you are comfortable with oral.

kat.mac

Hi OP, fabulous to hear you're doing so well in life and in your new relationship. I'm genuinely feeling chuffed for you from across the cyber divide.

As regards the wobbly bits - I know that feeling all too well. I'm in ok shape and in the cold light of day, my stomach really bothers me. But when I'm having sexy fun time with someone who is very special to me (as your new man is) I let it go and just enjoy everything. However, I did have to make a conscious decision some time back to adopt that attitude. Just take a deep breath some day, let go of the self-consciousness and let the good time roll!

As for oral - my advice would be not to think about it and don't feel under pressure to do it. It doesn't sound like your partner is putting any pressure on you, which is important. My feeling based on your OP would be that some day, it'll just click for you, and you'll *want* to do it. That day will be great but it'll all happen in its own good time.

Once again OP, delighted that you're healing so, so well from what must have been a really damaging experience. Enjoy every minute of this happiness - you deserve it!

Eire_1992

OP, you are a true inspiration to all the women out there who have been in similar situations to the one that you found yourself in and being able to pick yourself up even though it wasn't easy is so so brave of you !

Relax and take your time with your new guy ! Seems like you have something worthwhile there !! Appreciate it and enjoy it from your post it seems like your guy isnt putting pressure on you either so if he's willing to wait, then there's no rush !