What have I become?

LegacyUser

I grew up in a chaotic household, there was unchecked violence, lies, secrets and pain. I learned discipline, duty, responsibility, how to lie, how to act, how to control my emotions and how to read others. I worked hard and achieved, even tbh felt superior, other people were subject to their emotions, and that I regarded as weakness. Made them unreliable.

I spoke when spoken to, worked hard and did not bring problems home. Failure was unthinkable.

I have had anxiety and insomnia for a long while, only getting worse. So I was referred to a psychiatrist recently who believes I have suffered from acute trauma and have had a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Similar to how a soldier in combat numbs out. We are working on breaking it down.

But now in my twenties I feel nothing, except for the odd spark. Sometimes I feel sadness/anger. I also enjoy things, but it is still like a numbness. I have friendships and had relationships, but never felt "love" for others I suppose, the defenses are always up. People are a means to an end.

We're working on it, clearly something "human" is left if i'm worried about it, but now I feel lost and weak. I'm not what I thought I was, neither is my family. It is really affecting my work and i'm withdrawing from daily life and others. If possible, since the doc told me, I feel even less. At times (days), practically nothing.

How can you work when you don't even know who you are and feel nothing? The doc has reassured me I can still reconnect with my feelings and then people, but I feel at conflict and disabled essentially in the meantime.

I'm committed to the therapy as I don't want to end up like a sociopath, but what to do in the meantime?

Chronic Button

In the meantime give yourself loads of credit for facing your demons and working hard on yourself. Give yourself credit for surviving your past. Be gentle on yourself and take the space you need. You are on the road to recovery and sometimes the new self awareness means for a while it is worse before it gets better. Concentrate on therapy, rest, leisure and giving yourself what you need and you will, in time, figure yourself out and find peace. Good luck OP.

Queen-Mise

One of my nephews is where you are now (or before you even went for help) only he is 15 years older. He is nearly 40 and is utterly emotionally dead and has that emotional deadness/numbness that you talk about. I am not going to go into his story but it would be very similar to what you talk about and other stuff.
It is one of the saddest things I have ever seen. He has never had a love of his life, no chance of kids, he is incapable of emotional relationships with people. He lives in the world at a purely physical level - he is absorbed in work & sport. From the outside he is probably very successful but an utter failure in other ways.


The point of the above story is please don't go further down my nephew's road. Keep working with who you are. I'd imagine that this road is going to get a heck of a lot tougher as there is a lot of backed up emotions/feelings that have to go come out. There will be a bit of a backlog to deal with:rolleyes:
Stick with it. Feelings can be annoying sometimes but generally more good than bad.

dd972

Queen-Mise wrote: »

One of my nephews is where you are now (or before you even went for help) only he is 15 years older. He is nearly 40 and is utterly emotionally dead and has that emotional deadness/numbness that you talk about. I am not going to go into his story but it would be very similar to what you talk about and other stuff.
It is one of the saddest things I have ever seen. He has never had a love of his life, no chance of kids, he is incapable of emotional relationships with people. He lives in the world at a purely physical level - he is absorbed in work & sport. From the outside he is probably very successful but an utter failure in other ways.


The point of the above story is please don't go further down my nephew's road. Keep working with who you are. I'd imagine that this road is going to get a heck of a lot tougher as there is a lot of backed up emotions/feelings that have to go come out. There will be a bit of a backlog to deal with:rolleyes:
Stick with it. Feelings can be annoying sometimes but generally more good than bad.

I'm 40 and have given up on serious relationships or having kids, I'm of the firm belief that there are people who are simply not marriage or relationship material and no amount of self help books or psychotherapy can alter that, If I had ''the one'' handed to me on a plate at 22 then I'd undoubtedly look at folks like me and your nephew and think ''what's wrong with them?''.

Queen-Mise

dd972 wrote: »

I'm 40 and have given up on serious relationships or having kids, I'm of the firm belief that there are people who are simply not marriage or relationship material and no amount of self help books or psychotherapy can alter that, If I had ''the one'' handed to me on a plate at 22 then I'd undoubtedly look at folks like me and your nephew and think ''what's wrong with them?''.

I presume your situation is different from my nephew. His is a direct result of severe & horrific childhood trauma - all his emotions, feelings, et al are locked down tighter than Alcatraz. He is unable to have an emotional relationship even if he wanted.

I hope you are. And it is a choice for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, appreciate them!

Finding it difficult to stay on point work wise, coming to terms with the path ahead (and behind) is a struggle in itself, but i'm confident ill come out the other end okay. Just don't know how long that will take and where it will take me, according to the doc it can be done no doubt, but the defenses are very established, like a survival instinct.

I have not told others yet, which is an important step, so I guess this thread was a baby step in the right direction.

RossFixxxed

Mate it's more than a 'baby step'! It's a huge positive step forward. It might not feel like it just yet, but if you keep at it you will look back and think what a great thing you did for yourself.

I can relate to what you are saying, different trauma, similare results in my case to be honest. Over the years I've opened up my heart again in a big way. It brings all the sorrows back, but it also brings back the love, the giggles, the happiness and all the others too.

It's very worth it. You've been though a terrible time, so be patient, look after yourself. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for working to fix this, it's a fantastic step towards making your life waaaay better!

Have an internet handshake too!

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Just want to say that I can completely relate to the numbness/locked down emotions. Even with that I ended up getting married and having kids very young, only to realise later I'd been emotionally unavailable.

I think you're great that you've identified this problem so young, and are able and willing to work on it. I was nearly 40 before I realised what a total f--k up I was! and how it had affected my kids and partner too.

If you're in Dublin, the Hanly centre in Dun Laoighre runs a series of courses for people like us, or if not, Recovery International is almost as good (in my opinion). You'll get support, understanding, recognition of the pain you've been/are in and most of all, to see that there are so so many people like us in the world and that there is hope.

I wish you all the best on your road to recovery and can only say that it will be tough, but well worth it.

The Corinthian

OPOP wrote: »

I'm committed to the therapy as I don't want to end up like a sociopath, but what to do in the meantime?

How you've described yourself is absolutely nothing like a sociopath, so I wouldn't worry about being or 'becoming' one.