best friend is having a baby with an abusive man

LegacyUser

so my oldest and closest friend has been in a relationship with a man for almost ten years now who in my opinion is a monster. hes physically, mentally, emotionally abusive. hes controlling manipulative and angry. over the years i've encouraged her to leave, have organised her places to stay, have made appointments with counsellors and womens services, have helped her pack bags, fix windows, dress wounds....she just made excuse after excuse for him "hes really stressed in work", "hes had an abusive childhood" etcetc she always goes back, i could never understand why and she would never discuss with me. she had no ties to him, no children, no mortgage, nothing to make it any harder than just walking out the door, i through she was finally clear of him a few months ago when she dropped the bombshell that she was pregnant, the news hit me like a punch in the stomach, i felt sick, nauseous at the thought that she could sleep with such a disgusting human being and furious that she could be so stupid as to get pregnant. shes really excited about the baby, so is he and their "making a proper go of it", have moved into a family type home and are doing the nursery, waiting on the arrival. she swears hes "dealt with his issues" and is a changed man but i don't believe it for a second. the only time i can spend with her is in their home, i cant arrange to meet her other places because hes so paranoid and controlling he doesnt trust shes going where she says she is and it results in a row, so to make things easier for her i visit her at home. i hate that when i'm there im in his house. i dispise him so much it takes all of my self control to be polite, hes always polite and friendly to me but i've seen the bruises, i know whats hes like behind closed doors. my friend is so excited and happy about her baby arriving soon and i feel bad for her that i cant share in that with her, i'm just finding it impossible and its affectting our friendship, i hate to be in their house and i don't know what to do about that, do i separate from the two of them? i don't want to isolate her even further by withdrawing from her because he has worked very hard at causing distance between her and her family and friends that i worry shed be left with noone apart from him. he might be behaving himeself at the moment but i don';t see it lasting and it terrifies me that there's a helpless child coming into that environment. it's having a very bad afect on my friendship with her because i cant understand how she could be so stupid and blind. we've been friends thirty years since we were in babies together. any advice? is it possible for scumbags like this to change? i always held out hope she would be free of this animal but now i think thats maybe not the case.

Neyite

Maintain the friendship as best you can. She will continue to need you, and by letting him isolate her, you are letting him win. However hard it is, continue to visit her- even if its to remind him that he cant get rid of you easily.

Its a sad fact that domestic abuse can escalate during pregnancy, and after the child is born, even in the best of relationships a new baby adds much stress and couples get testy and narky with each other so its especially important that she is aware that there is one friend who will always have an open door for her, should she need it in the future.

If I were you, I would meet with a counsellor from Womens Aid. They can give you a lot of really useful information on how to best support your friend until she gets the courage to leave. Ironically, the bruises are probably the easiest to deal with, its the mind-games, walking on egg-shells, gaslighting and manipulation that can make you feel like you are going crazy. Its a complex psychological co-dependency, and an often recommended book is Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. I'd suggest that you have a read, then if your friend ever is ready to deal with her situation, let her read it too.

I know its really hard to be standing on the sidelines seeing someone you care about get abused. Its stomach churning, and especially at the moment when she is buying in to the fantasy of the cosy family unit you wont get her to go anywhere.

And no, they dont change. Or, if they do, its because of YEARS of counselling, and anger therapy, and even then, its rare.

ABajaninCork

I really feel for you, your friend and the baby. The baby is the innocent in all this. Your friend is the adult and well able to make her own decisions whether you agree with them or not.

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do, but sit back and wait. As Neyite says, you need to be there to keep the friendship going, as I have a nasty feeling you're going to be the 'go to' guy when this goes to the pictures. Which it will.

Her partner's never going to change, and I really hope in time, your friend wakes up to that fact. I hope it's before anything happens to the baby.

eviltwin

There is really nothing you can do OP other than be there for her as Neyite says. You can't make her leave and be wary of pushing her, she might see that as another form of "control" and it could be counter productive.

Continue to be her friend, be there for her and her baby. That's really all you can do until such time she finds the courage to leave her himself. Sometimes having a baby can be a catalyst for a woman to leave, hopefully that will be the case for your friend but the sad reality is for some women this is all they will ever accept.

Give her the Women's Aid helpline number. They won't try and convince her to leave, they will just listen. It might be easier for her to talk to someone who isn't involved. There is information on the Women's Aid website about safety planning too which I would encourage her to read. Remind her that she can apply for Safety and Barring Orders, encourage her to keep a diary of incidents.

Being there for her is the best thing you can do although you probably feel you're not able to help at all but don't underestimate how important it is for an abused women to have someone to talk to. Most of all protect yourself, as the friend of an abused woman you can call Women's Aid yourself if you need to talk/vent.

Big Bag of Chips

Difficult as it is for you, you are going to have to bite your tongue.
For someone looking in from the outside it is impossible to understand why someone puts up with treatment like that. But for the person in the situation, it's not ever that simple. If it was, there would be no need for agencies like Women's Aid for example.

If you become to openly judgmental and critical of her, she is going to push you away. Because - for whatever reason, she is sticking with him. And if it comes to it she will choose him over you. Because it will be easier to avoid you than to walk out on him.

Be there. Listen. Try to guide and advise - but don't talk at her. It will test your patience. But keep telling yourself he has changed her, and she needs a friend to be there for her.

Catkins407

He definitely won't change but neither apparently will your friend. In fact she has up the ante bringing a baby into this bad situation. You can only hope that even if she didn't have the motivation and strength to walk away from him for herself that at some point she will do it for her child. It will become obvious at some point to her that he hasn't changed but it will stress and baby excuses that she makes for him next. It may take her child cowering in fear to make her wake up. All you can do is just be there for her . She does need to know she has an out or a safe haven somewhere if she needs it. The truth is though even if she does walk away now with a child together he will always be in her life in some shape or form and you will have to accept that. Your good friend. Probably better than she deserves at times .

Chara1001

Hi OP,

I was in your friends situation. I found out i was pregnant after i left my abusive partner and we decided to 'try again'. Best behavior for the duration of the pregnancy but as soon as the baby was born, all went mad again. I can't tell you how much you're probably helping her- you're her lifeline, as frustrating as it is to you, you are the only person she really tell whats going on. I think you should bite your tongue and keep letting her know you're there for her.

I was only able to leave my ex properly after the baby was born, some sort of motherly instinct kicked in, and i was just not going to let him grow up in the household to which i had become accustomed. Once the baby arrives, your friend might just find her priorities changed

trio

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP but this is not the time to withdraw.

I was speaking to a person from Woman's Aid recently and she told me that abuse typically ramps up during pregnancy, or sometimes if a man has never been abusive he will hurt her for the first time during pregnancy.

I was shocked but she explained that for a narcissist, they will see their gf suddenly transforming from the downtrodden miserable creature into a glowing happy person who is cooed and petted over by everyone they meet. The focus goes off the guy completely and they sit on the sidelines whilst their gf blooms in all the new attention, and they finally decide to put the gf back in her box.

When the child comes, they may feel even more that they are becoming irrelevant - the child is a threat to them being the centre of importance. So they remind both mother and child just how dangerous it is to ignore them.

It is horrendously hard, but you must be there, because as someone said above, it may be that her child is the one thing that makes her finally leave. But she won't leave if she has no friends to leave to.