help!!!!

babygirl455

so I told my fiancé we could have a threesum because I am bisexual and thought I would enjoy it I had later and recently told him that I no longer wanted to do it because I thought it would interfere in our relationship. he was making posts on craigslist to find a girl and even after he told me they were all deleted they weren't and I found out well I emailed him pretending to be another girl to see what he would say because before he was doing this and ended up talking to a lot of girls starting out about the threesum but just ended up they only wanted him blah blah blah well he was going though my phone and found out and got mad I know what I did wasn't entirely right but neither was what he was doing I don't want to loose him because weve been together for so long and have already worked through so much we both have a little bit of trust issues and I would like to work through them but he wants to leave I truly love him I just have insecurities I just need advice on what to do

babygirl455

I also found out he made a post to pretty much prostitute me out he said it was a mistake and all but idk and also told some guy he would trade his wife for me and they could each have their ways with us im just in awww and don't even know what to think this doesn't seem like him but at the same time I just don't know

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm finding it difficult to understand your posts op, but from what i can gather you opened a can of worms with the threesome suggestion that you're now finding hard to close.

When you changed your mind about the threesome did you unequivocally state that you no longer had any interest in it? Did you and your partner sit down and talk it through, just like you did when the option was being discussed?

What made you feel like you had to search through his craigslist messages? As for his posts 'prostituting' you, can you give some background on that? If you were to take it at face value, it's absolutely unforgivable, but i sense there's more to this than meets the eye.

blatantrereg

Opening a can of worms is right.

I think the Craigslist thing has fallen into the realm of masturbatory fantasy for him. I don't think it's something he intends to act out in reality.

Bear in mind that you were the one to suggest sleeping with other people. That's probably the biggest boundary there is for most couples. The thing about breaking boundaries is that they tend to stay broken for a while.

I think you're fooling yourselves by saying you've trust issues. The issue is deceit on both sides. Distrust is natural and appropriate where there's deceit.

December2012

Don't stay with him just because you've already been through some problems.

blatantrereg

December2012 wrote: »

Don't stay with him just because you've already been through some problems.

Yes. I meant to say that myself. It's a bit like watching the rest of a bad film just because you've sat through half of it already.

You both seem to have boundary issues, and there are serious boundary issues in your relationship.

babygirl455

I did sit down and tell him all my issues with the threesum he seemed to understand and accept them..the prioritizing he made a past saying my age race details how I look then saying message me for more if your serious and have serious money..its not just that we've been through slot either I truly love him

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, was the threesome by any chance an attempt to save a floundering relationship?

babygirl455

No it was more just its a fantasy of his as IM sure most guys and I was like well yes it sounds like fun and we both wanted to try "new" things but I had a feeling once it actually did happen he would want it over n over again and it would cause problems

December2012

I think you should listen to your instincts, this relationship is bad.

babygirl455

That's the thing my instincts are telling me to fight for what we have..other than this issue our relationship is wonderful I love spending time with him we always have such a great time no matter what were doing just when this gets brought up it turns from paradise to hell

babygirl455

I guess what IM truly asking is do trust issues ever go away is this something that well be able to work out or should we just walk away..we both know we love each other there's just that trust issue between both of us

Cupcake_Crisis

To be blunt op, trust issues very rarely go away, they fester. Whatever anxiety you're feeling now will stay there until you have a very long, in depth discussion with your partner about your relationship. You need to find out why your bf was still messaging women even though the threesome was off the table. You also still need to address why you went through his stuff on the internet.

blatantrereg

he made a past saying my age race details how I look then saying message me for more if your serious and have serious money..

Oh wow I misread that the first time. I thought you meant he was prostituting you with the swinging post, not that he was literally prostituting you.

it was more just its a fantasy of his

That's not the sort of thing you should think about doing just to keep someone else happy... You backed off then because you were put off by how enthusiastic he was.

He seems to have a major fetish for the idea of you sleeping with other people. He seems much more interested in that than the idea of sleeping with others himself.

babygirl455

I went through it because I walked by him and saw him receiving an email with a naked picture attached I told him why I went through everything we both know why I,did what,I did he just feels that no matter what he's doing his stuff is his stuff and I shouldn't go through it even though he goes through everything of mine

babygirl455

blatantrereg wrote: »

Oh wow I misread that the first time. I thought you meant he was prostituting you with the swinging post, not that he was literally prostituting you.

That's not the sort of thing you should think about doing just to keep someone else happy... You backed off then because you were put off by how enthusiastic he was.

He seems to have a major fetish for the idea of you sleeping with other people. He seems much more interested in that than the idea of sleeping with others himself.

Yes but that's the thing he doesn't want me sleeping with other people except for women and only if he's involved..he gets mad if IM even talking to another guy just friends..that's why I don't get the prostitution post

Cupcake_Crisis

Everything about this has alarm bells ringing for me op. Imo, once you said you genuinely weren't interested in the threesome, he should have stopped contacting anyone he began speaking to about the idea. Secondly, under no circumstances should he have shared any personal information about you without your permission.

babygirl455

I know..should I try to talk to him and work things out or does it seen unfixable

Cupcake_Crisis

It doesn't seem unfixable, but it will take a lot of work and dedication to get to the root of the problem

babygirl455

Thank you

December2012

I don't think you should consider getting married until you have this properly resolved.

blatantrereg

babygirl455 wrote: »

Yes but that's the thing he doesn't want me sleeping with other people except for women and only if he's involved..he gets mad if IM even talking to another guy just friends..that's why I don't get the prostitution post

The prostitution post indicates he is aroused by the idea of you sleeping with another man. Maybe he gets mad at you for talking to other men because this fetish causes him distress. Or maybe it's the other way around, and he eroticises the idea of you sleeping with another man because he's scared of you doing so. One way or another, he is fixated by the idea of you sleeping with other men and eroticises it. Perhaps his wanting to end it is a reaction to this side of him being exposed more than it is a reaction to your subterfuge.

You yourself would be better off developing your ideas of what's ok and what's not outside of how they effect your fiancé and your relationship with him. You strike me as dependent on him and absorbed by him and your relationship. You don't trust each other and you don't respect each other. Why are you together? The world won't end if you ditch a controlling jealous pervert.

babygirl455

I am dependent on him..we have two kidsI have to depend on him because of my kids

blatantrereg

babygirl455 wrote: »

I am dependent on him..we have two kidsI have to depend on him because of my kids

No you don't. I know plenty of happy, successful people whose parents didn't stay together long after they were born. I know happy good mothers who were happy good mothers while single and are happy good mothers when they're in new relationships. You do have to let him have a relationship with his kids; but that's the full list of "have to"s you're dealing with.
You are entitled to financial contribution from him to their upbringing. That's a legal obligation, not something you give him any control over. That's a "has to" on his side, not yours.

December2012

Baby girl - how is your confidence?

Do you have family here?

babygirl455

I feel pretty confident in myself..yea all my family is here

Esoteric_

He's trying to turn you into a prostitute without your knowledge.

He wouldn't do that if he respected you, loved you and felt great about the relationship.

Why would you be so desperate to fix things with a man who is trying to sell your body for sex without your consent? You do realise that's tantamount to letting men pay him to sleep with you, and without your consent? That's sick. Sorry, but it is.

If he respected you, he sure as hell wouldn't try to prostitute you out to other men.

ShaShaBear

Jesus, think of the children!!