What's up with this girl?

LegacyUser

So, have been seeing a girl for a few months, we both like each other very much.

The thing is, she's going back to where she's from next month (permanently) so obviously we have had to accept that's when things will finish between us. We have become very close over the last few months and i would only be fooling myself to say that there is no emotional attachment between us, there is, its quite intense, maybe shouldn't have let that happen but we were spending so much time together, it happened.

Anyways, today she woke up in a bad mood and I asked her what's wrong, she wasn't being very responsive and then said that she didn't have much self confidence this morning and asked me to try cheer her up, and say something nice to her. I was a bit puzzled by where all of this came from and I was trying to think of something to say to her. But I found it difficult to think of something appropriate because I didn't want to annoy her even more or sound silly. So I pretty much stayed silent, probably the worst thing I could have done in her eyes.

This silence kind of continued and then I asked her what was up with her and then she got very angry with me that I stayed so silent, and she said "is it so difficult to say something nice to describe me?" (when actually I thought she wanted me to say something nice in general, not necessarily particular to her). And then being honest with her I said that it was difficult and that I didn't know what to say to cheer her up.

Then when we were going our separate ways, she said "see you next week, maybe. I'm not joking." (Or something like that)...and then she said something like "its so simple to give a hug or something" and then I walked closer to her and she said "no, i don't want to have to ask". anyways, on one hand I'm thinking is this girl serious like, how can she get so moody with me for not successfully cheering her up? On the other hand, I'm thinking maybe she's more emotionally attached than I am, that's a guess. Anyways, I texted her, just said "I'm sorry". This is a strange one, and I'm confused by her behaviour, just on here for a different perspective.

smash

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat wrote: »

Anyways, today she woke up in a bad mood and I asked her what's wrong, she wasn't being very responsive and then said that she didn't have much self confidence this morning and asked me to try cheer her up, and say something nice to her. I was a bit puzzled by where all of this came from and I was trying to think of something to say to her. But I found it difficult to think of something appropriate because I didn't want to annoy her even more or sound silly. So I pretty much stayed silent, probably the worst thing I could have done in her eyes.

This silence kind of continued and then I asked her what was up with her and then she got very angry with me that I stayed so silent, and she said "is it so difficult to say something nice to describe me?" (when actually I thought she wanted me to say something nice in general, not necessarily particular to her). And then being honest with her I said that it was difficult and that I didn't know what to say to cheer her up.

I know girls slag guys for not getting the message, but OP come on... she made it pretty clear!

In saying that though, you should never place expectations on other people because you'll always be let down.

nikkibikki

I'm thinking she might be trying to get you to say you love her? At the very least she was fishing for a compliment from you and TBH half the good is gone out of a compliment if you have to ask straight out for one! Do you compliment her much, like tell her she's gorgeous and sexy and things like that? If not, maybe that's what she wants you to do, compliment her or just give her some general affection without her having to prompt you.

ash23

Are you usually a bit detached? Would you normally compliment her or be affectionate with her (aside from sex).
It's very hard to feel confident when you're in a relationship with someone who is a bit silent about their feelings or if they aren't very affectionate.
She clearly needed some sort of reassurance from you and I think you dropped the ball.
She might be just feeling a bit used or neglected.

Czarcasm

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat wrote: »

So, have been seeing a girl for a few months, we both like each other very much.

The thing is, she's going back to where she's from next month (permanently) so obviously we have had to accept that's when things will finish between us. We have become very close over the last few months and i would only be fooling myself to say that there is no emotional attachment between us, there is, its quite intense, maybe shouldn't have let that happen but we were spending so much time together, it happened.

Anyways, today she woke up in a bad mood and I asked her what's wrong, she wasn't being very responsive and then said that she didn't have much self confidence this morning and asked me to try cheer her up, and say something nice to her. I was a bit puzzled by where all of this came from and I was trying to think of something to say to her. But I found it difficult to think of something appropriate because I didn't want to annoy her even more or sound silly. So I pretty much stayed silent, probably the worst thing I could have done in her eyes.

This silence kind of continued and then I asked her what was up with her and then she got very angry with me that I stayed so silent, and she said "is it so difficult to say something nice to describe me?" (when actually I thought she wanted me to say something nice in general, not necessarily particular to her). And then being honest with her I said that it was difficult and that I didn't know what to say to cheer her up.

Then when we were going our separate ways, she said "see you next week, maybe. I'm not joking." (Or something like that)...and then she said something like "its so simple to give a hug or something" and then I walked closer to her and she said "no, i don't want to have to ask". anyways, on one hand I'm thinking is this girl serious like, how can she get so moody with me for not successfully cheering her up? On the other hand, I'm thinking maybe she's more emotionally attached than I am, that's a guess. Anyways, I texted her, just said "I'm sorry". This is a strange one, and I'm confused by her behaviour, just on here for a different perspective.

Important bits highlighted for you OP. I mean, I thought I was clueless, but really, I mean, REALLY?

She's trying to create memories for both of you OP before she goes, and as intense as you say the relationship was, you couldn't bring yourself to sound silly for the sake of seeing the girl smile, at the risk of you looking stupid.

The clues aren't always verbal OP, you have to tune in a bit more, but god, how much more obvious did the girl need to be? With only the two of ye in the room, did you think she wanted you to say "That white ceiling really brings out the color on the walls!". Come on OP, there's all sorts of excuses like being reserved, and the new buzzphrase "socially awkward", but really what it comes down to is a person's inability to think of others before themselves.

You could see she was upset, but you remained silent. It comes off as cold OP, and there's nothing intense about that. Try not to be so afraid to step outside your comfort zone next time you meet her OP, which if I'm honest, I wouldn't waste a week waiting when you only have a month left together- be assertive and give her a call, texts can get so misconstrued and they come off as cold and emotionless sometimes. She wants to know you feel something for her OP, not just resigning yourself to fate and coming off like you couldn't care less that she's leaving soon.

Oryx

I'd imagine if she is emotionally attached to you, then your impending breakup is wrecking her head. You're both in this intense relationship, but it is going to end abruptly in a few weeks. So she is caught between caring a lot, and wanting you to care, and struggling with the need to emotionally detach. That's one aspect.

But also, what has gone on with her needing cheering up, sounds to me like she wants reassurance that you care, and that this temporary relationship did/does actually mean something to you. It wasn't just a fling to pass the time. The fact that you didn't reassure her on that score may have made her feel cheap and scorned.

Quiet Girl

I agree with Oryx, this girl is obviously dreading when you have to part ways and finish, women are more emotionally open than men so she probably just needs reassurance that what you guys have is special and something she can take home and remember for a long time....

jdsk2006

She just needed a hug and to be told how lovely she is op. Everybody needs affection and reassurance at times. time for you to grovel! Flowers and chocs maybe.....and a love note.

Irish_Elect_Eng

"The thing is, she's going back to where she's from next month (permanently) so obviously we have had to accept that's when things will finish between us.

"

You don't say why, and you seem like you don't have the best communications skills,so I thought I would ask?
If you have not had any long term plan discussions, perhaps it is time to do so?

• Perhaps she is waiting for you to ask her to stay?
• Perhaps she is waiting you you to ask can you come with her?

December2012

If its difficult for you to say something nice about her then you don't really like her do you?

homerjay2005

to be honest, she sounds like a normal emotionally unstable woman whose time of the month has arrived.

they are all like that, I wouldnt read too much into it, its not your fault. having to leave you also wont be easy and woman are not good at showing emotions at the best of time.

beks101

As others have stated, there's a lot going on for her emotionally and she's just looking for a bit of reassurance. Is a quick "you're gorgeous" or "Im crazy about you" really that difficult OP?

I can tell you from experience it's head wracking & a bit soul destroying to be with someone who's stingy with the affection & compliments & positive reassurance, not to say that you need to shower her with compliments every minute but letting her know you fancy her and want her and think the world of her is essential to making her feel appreciated in this relationship.

Just pull the finger out OP, if she matters to you at all.

Czarcasm

homerjay2005 wrote: »

to be honest, she sounds like a normal emotionally unstable woman whose time of the month has arrived.

they are all like that, I wouldnt read too much into it, its not your fault. having to leave you also wont be easy and woman are not good at showing emotions at the best of time.

Sorry Mods but homer are you fcuking trolling or what? I've never seen so much shìte talk in such a short post in all my time on discussion forums!

Even by AH standards the above is a pìss poor effort. End of. No need for discussion that'll only derail the thread.

Ickle Magoo

homerjay2005 taking a months holiday for failing to heed previous warnings/actions regarding the quality of posting expected on this forum.

Czarcasm warned for back-seat modding - there are clear protocols to follow with regards to posts or posters you have issue with.

There is zero tolerance of muppetry on this forum and a certain standard of posting is expected; if posters cannot or will not make worthwhile contributions then their posting rights will be revoked.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter before posting again.

Many thanks.

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Cupcake_Crisis

Just a wild stab in the dark here, but maybe the fact that she's leaving in a while is on her mind and she's trying to wind things down in what she thinks is a nice way?

ShaShaBear

Jeez, and I know lads that would hand over their left kidney to get their woman to tell them what they want :P

Op, its highly likely that she simply wanted what she asked for. You to display verbal and physical affection without her having to ask for it.

pastorbarrett

I don't think this is as cut and dried as it seems. Ok, so perhaps this girl is feeling that some more overt displays of affection wouldn't go amiss, but she's going @rseways about achieving this.

I find it hard to berate the OP for misreading signs/ being confused as he says, when she could've expressed her concerns more effectively. Yes, perhaps for some she said more than enough, and granted she says she's feeling down, but some folk (myself included!) need to be told straight out via open communication what the issue is. No guesswork or detective work, just to-the-point, clear communication.

Also, saying that she will 'maybe see him next week' is counterproductive and exacerbates the problem.

OP, my advice would be for you now to broach this issue as openly and as best as you can. Tell her what you wrote here. Speak about your concerns of her leaving and you both being apart. Tell her how you really feel! I imagine there's too much being left unsaid about an upcoming event that will affect both hugely. Best of luck.

ShaShaBear

meridiangroup wrote: »

I don't think this is as cut and dried as it seems. Ok, so perhaps this girl is feeling that some more overt displays of affection wouldn't go amiss, but she's going @rseways about achieving this.

I find it hard to berate the OP for misreading signs/ being confused as he says, when she could've expressed her concerns more effectively. Yes, perhaps for some she said more than enough, and granted she says she's feeling down, but some folk (myself included!) need to be told straight out via open communication what the issue is. No guesswork or detective work, just to-the-point, clear communication.

Also, saying that she will 'maybe see him next week' is counterproductive and exacerbates the problem.

OP, my advice would be for you now to broach this issue as openly and as best as you can. Tell her what you wrote here. Speak about your concerns of her leaving and you both being apart. Tell her how you really feel! I imagine there's too much being left unsaid about an upcoming event that will affect both hugely. Best of luck.

Maybe her English isnt great?

LegacyUser

OP here, have been offline for a while. I was very distressed and a bit hungover when I wrote that, its not exactly how the situation occurred, perhaps some more detail was necessary. Anyways, thanks for all the responses. We had a bad few days as she was down the country with some of her friends and communication was terrible, she wasn't answering texts, short answers etc. I called her and asked her to meet face to face when she got back as I had some things to say to her...I gave her flowers (didn't go down well at first but turned out to be a good idea), we basically had a talk about what happened and decided what we wanted from the next few weeks and then I spent most of the last 2 days with her, it was great. Thanks.

ShiverinEskimo

I get the impression the girl is purposefully toying with the OP's emotions. To wake up and begin a charade of affection/attention-seeking and putting the OP on the spot like that screams that the girl is a bit needy. It's childish and selfish to ask someone to throw a few compliments at you and then burn them when they don't. The OP shouldn't be purely be a compliment dispenser if/when the girl is feeling a little down about herself.

While staying silent wasn't ideal, I don't think your mistake was failing to do as she asked, but failing to be straight with her and asking her why she feels the need for you spell out your affections for her. Just more pointless mind-games that do nothing but drive a wedge right through any relationship.

Your biggest mistake though was apologising. Now she thinks she was wronged by you failing to dance to her tune and you've set the tone for the remainder of your short time together that will likely have you 'trying to make up' for your wrong-doing.

Best way to deal with this is to cut each other loose now. The fun times have been had and it's only going to come to an end anyways so walk away before it goes all the way south. Tell her to her face, be firm about it and resist the temptation to go back.

OP, I'm glad you resolved this. So I'm going to lock it now.


All the best