Feeling down, but not sure why.

LegacyUser

Hi.

I am a college student (about to turn 21) but currently on work placement. I have been feeling more and more lonely lately, and it's causing me to feel quite down but I don't know why.
I live with 3 other people I know who I like and I get on well with. I do well academically, and have no family problems.

I feel so unmotivated and unenthusiastic nearly all the time. I feel like everyone thinks I'm not much fun to be around. I don't feel lonely in the sense that I'm on my own, I sometimes feel at my most lonely in a crowd - like at a party, nobody would miss me if I was gone, like I add nothing!

The problem is, the more I think these things, the more reserved and isolated I get - so it's like I'm becoming the thing that I'm trying to avoid in the first place.

I eliminated alcohol for weeks to see if it made a difference. It didn't. I made sure my diet was good, it made no difference. Sometimes I cycle and I feel a bit better when I do, but it's just temporary - I soon go back to feeling crap.

I don't think this is Depression (as in the illness with a capital D!) because it's just a state of mind I've very slowly creeped into - I've had years of feeling fine (yet my life was no better than it is now. In fact, I've gone through much worse and felt better). I have no desire to talk to anyone. The only person I do feel like I could open up to I think doesn't really want to hear me talk about that. I'm pretty sure he's going through family issues (he says it's "sh!t at home" but says it's not his place to say and won't elaborate no matter how much I ask him is everything ok). I have mentioned it to him before that I'm feeling down but the conversation didn't get that far when I didn't really have a reason why I am feeling down. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, but I can hardly expect him to know when I don't know myself.

Is it normal to feel a bit down without having Depression?

RossFixxxed

Hi OP,

Drink: Cut it out for more than a week. It takes a little while to adjust. I really noticed changes after about 6 weeks or so! It definitely helps. Don't think you need to completely quit though, just cut it out for a while. Don't deprive yourself or get hung up on it. It's no harm to stop for a couple of months and you'll save a few quid.

We all loose motivation and enthusiasm, and it's not necessarily remotely related to depression. However, if it keeps getting worse and starts to badly affect your quality of life you should follow up on it.

You need a better support structure, family or friends you can open up to. It is a massive help. You don't have to be constantly talking about it, even just going to see some popcorn films in the cinema, going for a stroll in the sunshine etc.

You are definitely heading down a bad road OP. Not as melodramatic as it sounds, but these things can creep into your thinking and have a negative impact on your mental health.

Maybe a little CBT or some such to help tune things up. Look at it this way: even a Ferarri needs a tune up from time to time. Take it as a positive step to improving your life. You don't need fixing but a good service would be great. If this has come on suddenly I would strongly recommend your GP as they can do blood tests or such to see if there is an underlying medical / lifestyle /dietary etc cause to this.

Take some steps OP, you won't know yourself. There's a great community here and we're all rooting for you. Take the steps now and it will be much easier.

I'm on here all day if you have any questions, and I'm sure others will post too!

December2012

Do you have access to a college counsellor?

I think you might benefit from having a chat with them a few times, just to verbalise your feelings, which you've done very well here, but probably don't get to do much in real life?

I bet people like you more than you think, but some self reflection that you're not your happiest you is healthy, as long as you do something about it.

In my opinion, going to a counsellor or a therapist doesn't mean you have Depression. I put it like getting personal training at the gym, even though you know how to use the equipment and what you should be doing, sometimes a professional will get you where you want to be quicker.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, appreciate them!

Sadly my college counsellor isn't an option due to the hours of my work placement.

I possibly would benefit from opening up to somebody, but it just seems too hard to do it. I mean, how would the conversation even go; "I haven't been feeling the best lately", "Oh, what's wrong?", "...".
I would be afraid also that because there is nothing situationally or physically wrong with me or my life at the moment, I wouldn't be taken fully seriously.

Certain things like planning for fun things (e.g. trips away, meeting friends ) can distract me from how bad I've been feeling, but if for some reason the plan doesn't go ahead, I feel sadness way out of proportion - possibly it's just a return to my original state rather than actual sadness at the actual event?

One thing I have noticed is that if I ask people to do something (e.g. text friends and ask them if they want to meet up / do something together) and they say no, I find it surprisingly hard. It seems like more and more friends are saying no lately. I take it a bit more personally than I should, I know logically they are probably just busy but I do take it to heart. So I don't ask as much, which is possibly contributing to the problem.

December2012

Look up low cost counselling, it's much more effective than talking to a friend

LegacyUser

I'm not sure about counselling, I think the thought of actually ringing up to book an appointment is just way too hard. I'm a fairly private person, the thought of telling a close friend seems difficult, but the thought of telling a complete stranger seems next to impossible. I know I'd just freeze up and wouldn't really know what to say.

The friend I mentioned above (the one I said that he'd be the only one I'd consider opening up to) was texting me a good bit back and forth, and asked me how I was these days and that I'd seemed a good bit better. I was just enjoying the random banter we were having and didn't really feel like turning it into a serious conversation, so I said there was stuff on my mind and that I will talk to him at some stage I just need thinking time, and I left it there and continued on with the chatty texts.
The point I'm making is that I feel sad when I'm alone. If I met a friend one to one to talk, I probably wouldn't feel as bad and would lose a desire to talk about how bad I have been feeling. The problem is the feelings return pretty quickly when I'm not being distracted.

I don't know if this is worth mentioning, but my confidence is very low which is either contributing towards this, or being caused by this, I'm not sure. I hate how I look (I'm overweight), hate how I'm so shy and can't socialise as well as other people.
Another thing I've been keeping to myself is the fact that I'm gay. I've never really considered this a problem, I've just ignored it up until now - I've never had any sort of romantic contact with a girl or a guy. But maybe at the age I am, when so many of my friends are entering relationships or at least 'getting the shift' on nights out, that could be contributing to it. I don't think it's that simple - for example telling somebody I'm gay wouldn't help. The point of the matter is my confidence is so low I wouldn't even have any luck getting with guys, and if I tell people I'm gay it's almost like I'm putting an onus on myself to get with guys. I'm aware that doesn't really make sense!!

Thanks again for the answers, appreciate them.

December2012

Maybe have a little trip over to lgbt forum then? I'm sure there are lots of people who have felt as you do.

Or keep talking here.

Each to their own re the counselling, I find it easier to talk to a stranger because there's no judgment or emotional connection.

bicloset

Hi, I totally know how u feel, when I read your blog, I thought it was me who wrote it, same here 21 yr old college student on placement, feeling all the same emotions. If you want to chat more, feel free to msg me, also, perhaps consider going to one of the boards meet ups, ive been to one and thought it to be very good, puts you at ease with all the other thoughts in your head!

RossFixxxed

Listen, I know councelling / therapy sounds like a huge deal, but it really isn't.

This is clearly having an adverse effect on your life and wouldn't it be great to be able to help fix it? These people are trained professionals and they have heard it all before and helped people with it. If you have image issues, low confidence etc you would benefit greatly from some form of therapy: say CBT by way of an example. You could really make a difference to your life. Go for it! You have everything to gain from it.

I'm extremely private but if something needs fixing you need to put all that aside, label them as excuses and move past it. It is NOT easy but most things worth doing in life aren't.

One of the most insidious, nasty and horrible things that feeling down does is make you feel silly for wanting or needing help. It is like trying to quit smoking: you will justify your actions, lie outright to yourself, sneak around smoking and completely delude yourself despite KNOWING in your heart it's the right thing to do. This is pretty much your brain being a colossal jerk and stopping you from doing the right thing!

Read your last post again, can you see how negative towards yourself you are being? Can you see the many put downs you direct towards yourself? Take it from me: it will get worse. It will grind and wear and nag and slowly erode YOU away. Do NOT lose yourself to this. The sooner you make positive steps the easier it will be.

Do you get any physical exercise? Maybe a walk every day might be another good small step mentally and physically. Just remember these changes are small little ones. Don't try and change your diet, exercise, mental health, physical well being, look for a new job, come out to everyone etc all at once. That is my usual approach and usually ends up a mess in mere days. Pacing it slowly is a journey and one you will benefit massively from!

LegacyUser

I really want to thank all of you for your answers, they're extremely nice and helpful.
RossFixxxed, your post makes a lot of sense and is very useful - it'd be hard to talk about my feelings at counselling, but it's hard to not talk about them to anybody also, except the latter would be driving me further into despair, not pulling me out!

Bicloset, thanks a lot for your post, it helps a lot to know that there is somebody else with almost identical circumstances going through the same feelings. I think I might take you up on your offer to message you, once I get my thoughts sorted out a bit more, if that's ok? Thanks!

Again I appreciate the help from everyone, I'm glad I started this thread!

LegacyUser

I'm about 90mins away from turning 21, and I feel awful.

Went home for the weekend. My parents were very nice to me and I got a couple of cards from relatives etc. - all good. But not one person text me all weekend. I'm focusing way too much on this stuff I think but it still bothers me. This should be a happy time of my life but I don't feel happy, and it's almost like because I am feeling down when I shouldn't be is getting me further down - if that makes sense!

Oddly my sleep is fine. I read online that when people are going through bouts of depression their sleep is affected, but I sleep the same as always. Something to be thankful for I suppose. Around exam times I always sleep less (by choice, as I'm a last minute crammer) and there's nothing worse than lack of sleep for affecting your thought processes!

bicloset

Hi there, I know how you feel about the txting! I feel the same! Dont let that get you down, itd be far worse people txting you nasty txts or something ect. I had a joint bday with my parents wedding anniversary last summer, wasn't my wish but had to roll with it. Although it was quite a good night, the stress building up to it wasnt worth it by any means. and most of my people that came have all drifted apart whilest ones that said they would come never did and too drifted apart. Just telling my story from other side of the coin! Count your blessings and try be glad of what it is that you have, you wouldnt want the added stress I had! Trust me, alot of people like very little for there 21st! If you want to chat PM me!

DownUniStudent

Hi, it's the OP here - made an account to avoid waiting for post to approved.

I'm feeling pretty awful at the moment. I'm fighting with all of my friends. Me and my housemates are arguing over swapping rooms so we've pretty much all fallen out. My best friend just seems pissed off with me at the minute, the one that I'd confide in, the only person I've ever told I'm gay, he seems to want to just wash his hands of me and my problems. I have always been there for him but that seems to not come into it. When I feel down, I seem to pick arguments so much easier - I don't have many friends to go round and I'm pretty much burning every single bridge.

That's only just lately though, I've been feeling so low in confidence. I've lost all motivation completely, it's gotten to the stage where I don't even have clean clothes because I just couldn't be bothered putting a wash on.
Hate the fact that I'm gay, hate the fact that I'm overweight (but struggling to find any motivation to do anything about it).

It's just my life feels so pointless. It's so unenjoyable it's like every day is groundhog day. I come home from work and just sit and do nothing until it starts again the next morning.

It's almost like there's no point doing anything because even if one problem is fixed, there's still more. Like if I force myself to do the washing, I still feel crushingly lonely and unmotivated, I'm still gay, but even if I accept that, I still have zero self confidence, I'm still unattractive - I've never kissed a single person in my life and I'm about to go into 4th year of college. It's like I'm being buried underneath a pile of mattresses, one is easy to move but when there's so many it won't budge.

Sorry this is badly structured, my thoughts are a bit all over the place. I really don't think I'm ok though, I've gotten myself very far into this bad place

If I seek help, as the above comments suggest, is a doctor or counsellor more suitable for my purposes? I don't think it's depression, I think I've just got myself into this funk.

Thanks for everything!

Lorna123

Hang on in there OP, you are at an awkward stage of life. You are on an internship and probably are not close to anyone at this job, and along with that you are away from your fellow students so it makes it difficult for them to keep in touch as they are all doing their own thing for the Summer. Don't worry about the 21 thing as this is not hectic for everyone by any means, especially when it occurs in the middle of the Summer when it is hard to arrange a get together because your fellow students have dispersed for the Summer. Life will get better. Try reading a good book and this will take your mind off yourself for a while and it is something you can do on your own. It is very hard to get people to go on a night out when they are all preoccupied with their own things so don't take this personally. Life will get better when you finish your course and start earning money.

RossFixxxed

I'd start with the doctor myself. They can rule out physical cuases too (diet, kidney, thyroid, electrolytes, liver etc etc etc) as you never know what can contribute and aggrivate something. Then see about councellor.

You should re-read your post and see just how hard on yourself you are being. I can't comment on the gay aspect, simply as I can't relate to it directly, but the person who washed their hands of you is just a complete tool. Don't sink too much investment into a closed minded fool. Many people will be more accepting than that.

Here's some observations:
1) You know something is wrong and want to fix it. That's very positive, wanting to fix it is essential!
2) You haven't kissed anyone. Ok that's not super, but it's also very fixable. I would, however, defer that one slightly and work on feeling a bit better.
3) You're unattractive. I will bet you money right now you are not. Perhaps how you are feeling is projecting outwards and that might be unattractive. But I bet you have something very attractive in you: a cheeky sense of humour, a glint in the eye, an infectious laugh, a talent at something, a unique view on things, intelligence, SOMETHING!
4) You are 21: Holy crap I wish I was 21! You are very, very young and NOW is the time to take some steps to fix all this! You are just starting out.
5) There's nothing outwardly wrong with you. WRONG. You know something is wrong. Let's take some stepst to fix this.

Look here's a fact that people don't like: you'll need to force yourself to take steps before this starts to get better. Go to the GP.

I'm on this board regularly, I'll help you through any steps or questions you may have. If I can't answer, there are other posters here who definitely can. We'll be here to help you take the steps to feel better. Think about a years time, you're on the mend, things are looking up, the hot guy in the cafe is flirting with you.... sounds ok right? It isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to take a combination of baby steps. You've already recognised there is an issue. Brilliant, that's a hard step to take. Next you're going to your GP.

Keep in touch OP on this thread, we are here, we want to help. We've been through our own icy winds and fire, and we KNOW it can and does get better! Keep your head up. I care what happens you. You aren't alone, you aren't broken or unfixable. You're just in a bad spot, you can't see any way out and that's why I'm posting here to tell you I've been there, and in hindsight I should have gone to fix it sooner.

You'll be ok. Give yourself time and space and be kind to yourself. You seem like a cool bloke and you don't deserve this. So you and I and to other PIers (eeehh PI posters) will help you, together! Let's do this thing!

DownUniStudent

Thank you very much for the replies, they are much appreciated and helpful.

To clarify, I think I painted my friend in a bad light - an overreaction on my behalf. His replies to texts were a bit blunt (possibly a bit uncaring, or like he's lost interest in listening to me). Washed his hands of me was strong wording, and it certainly wasn't because I was gay - he reacted well to that when I told him and made me feel better at the time. But I think I need to stop talking about my inner problems to him - I can't explain to myself why, but I think it is making me vulnerable and more likely to be paranoid.

I checked the website for my college's health service - during non-term times it's only open 10-4 which is no good to me on my 9-5 work placement. Similarly for the counselling service. Part of me is tempted to wait until college resumes in September, but the other part of me would like to feel a bit better this summer - I'm going interrailing in August with classmates and don't want to be in a mindframe where I don't fully enjoy it!

DownUniStudent

Hi, it's the OP again.

A friend recommended a psychotherapist (I assume this is the same as a counsellor) that he used which helped him a lot through a tough time. I ended up ringing and making an appointment for tomorrow evening, as I'm heading on holidays in 2.5 weeks and I want to be happy for that, and this may help.

I have no idea what I will say in counselling though. I am really worried I'll freeze up and end up not saying that much and just wasting my time and money (and it wasn't cheap ). If anything I felt less depressed today than I have in ages - possibly related to me making the call to him today? Is this normal?

I'm nervous about the first counselling session. Does anyone have any tips on how to make the most of it? My thoughts are so confused I'm not sure what exactly is making me feel down - will he be able to deal with this and figure it out? I know the first question will probably be "what's wrong?" which is a bit tough to answer - I'd rather he weaseled it out of me, if that makes sense!

araic88

Best of luck!
Don't be worried about your first appointment. I find it really hard to open up to people I don't know but these ones are trained at this!
You're very good at expressing yourself in writing so maybe jot down a few things you'd like them to know? I was practically a pen pal of a therapist before, I'd find it hard to say things so would bring reams of things written down. It didn't take long before he probably wished I was still shy rather than yapping so much!

I think it probably is normal that you feel better just for making the appointment. You should feel proud that you're taking a big step like this in the right direction.

Im a few years older than you OP but you really remind me of myself when I was around 21. I think that's why im rooting for you ;-)

wexandproud

hi op
im a little older than vou but was down this road a few years ago,no real worries but felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders. have only read a few of the posts here but they were great.dont worry about your first session just relax and let it flow and if my experience is anything to go by it could be emotionally draining but you will feel great after it. also try to explain to a few close friends or family how you really feel you will be surprised how understanding they will be, keep your chin up and enjoy the hols

wexandproud

hi op
i should have read all post as i see now your appointment was in last day or two. hope it went well

DownUniStudent

First session went well. Somehow my depression sounded less serious talking about it out loud, but I suppose it was never overly serious - but enough for me to make it want to go away.

we didn't go into huge detail in the first session, I'll know more next week! He did mention that he reckons the being gay was causing me to feel down as its something he's seen countless times before. Personally, I'm not so sure, perhaps he is right, we'll find out more next week strangely looking forward to the next one (was dreading the first).

Thanks everyone!

SparkieJen

Hi OP, glad to hear your session went well. I'm at the stage where I'm trying to convince myself to go to the doctor because I've been feeling down for quite a while and I'm mostly afraid that when I try to explain how I'm feeling that it'll come out sounding like it's not such a big deal so it's reassuring to see that you've had a positive interaction yourself. I hope your next session goes well and that you're feeling better soon

listen_lady

You sound like a very thoughtful and insightful person so maybe you're beginning to realise that you're a bit more mature than your peers?