Refriend Ex?

LegacyUser

Hey guys. So I was with this guys for 5 and a half years, and he dumped me. 4 months later himself and one of my 'best friends' at the time slept together, while I was still in the midst of getting over him. We had been talking, just about, after the break up but when the second incident happened I completely stopped talking to him and said 'friend'. Its been about a year and a half since I last spoke to him. He's engaged now too. Problem is, he was/is in the same circle of friends as me and the whole thing made small social gatherings quite awkard, I could avoid him/be civil on a big group night out but not a few drinks around a kitchen table so I've being declining invitations and now my friends have stopped asking me if he's going. I feel like I've grown so far apart from the group, naturally but also becuase of the situationa and while I never thought I could talk to him again I kind of feel now, that I could, exchange a few words at least. My friend said she didnt think I should pre-empt the situation and it'd be difficult to talk to him on a night out so suggested that I add him as a friend again on facebook and go from there. Am I mad? What do people think...?

Esoteric_

What's stopping you from not becoming friends, but going to the smaller gatherings and just joining in the conversation as much as possible? You don't have to be best friends with him, but a bit of chit chat isn't too difficult.

CaraMay

No no no no... Then you will be stucking looking at his life unfold.

Just get used to going out in his company again. Dont drink too much the first few times and eventually you will forget he is even there.

Katgurl

Oh god what a horrible experience for you OP I'm not surprised you couldn't face him, you must have felt sick to your stomach.

I wouldn't friend him on FB, it could be torturous obsessing over pics or whatever. Its a great shame you were he one feeling left out of the group gatherings. Start attending again, maybe drive so you're not drinking and stay only a short while for the first few. It'll take time but you could well be over the worst of it already.

Facebook means nothing. It wouldn't solve anything or mean anything, it would just seem really really strange.

If you want to be friends with him, be friends with him. If you want to casually start being friendlier to him when he's around and letting other friends know that you're fine now to be invited to the same things as him, do it (this is the option I'd recommend, by the way). If you want to keep your distance but just let it be known that you've calmed down, just tell your friends you've calmed down. But whatever you do don't do it on facebook. There are people I'm friends with on facebook that I'd barely recognise on the street.

Merkin

Let a "friendship" (obviously in the loosest sense of the word - he sounds like a bit of a knob) happen organically and in those informal settings around the kitchen table etc. There is a veritable cesspit of very odd nuances and expectations that come with social networking etiquette and engaging him in that sense would be foolish and would be making things hard for yourself.Why would you bother? You'd be raking up a whole host of upset.You're not in each others lives intimately any more so I'm sure you're not overly enthused by seeing the photos and comments in the lead up to and during the wedding etc.

Just tell a mutual friend that you'd love to attend the next social gathering or house party that he will be there at and take it from there. You shared your life with him for a significant amount of time so small talk and being civil will probably come surpisingly easy to you. You'll be fine, best foot forward x

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guy, fully taking on board what ye have all said. To be honest I've attended a fair few big nights out (Christmas, friends birthdays etc) that himself & he OH have been at, and just avoid him, and its been fine, I dont generally let him being there stop me going if I know its going to be a big crowd. Its the small gatherings now like friends having a few people over to the house (where enevitably everyone would be talking and listening to everyone) that its starting to affect... I know I probably shouldn't, but the only reason i want to talk to add him on fb is that maybe I could send him a random 'hey how's things' message that would eventually lead into talking about what happened. I feel like I should explain myself (even though I did nothing wrong) and 'talk out' what happened as we never did, even thought I know I probably don't have to just so that awkardess is over with when we talk face to face. But I'm getting the vibe from my friends that everyone thinks its my problem more so than his and that I should be over it kinda thing, hence why they're inviting him and not me, as if I'm the one being awkward! I dunno if any of that makes sense?!

mathproblem

yeah don't bother re-approaching him in any way imo. I'd say your best course is to just make yourself available for those quieter Kitchen table type gatherings that you were talking about, and while you are there just make an effort to not let it affect you acting anything other than natural. Watch your thoughts as you are there, try to catch yourself if you find you are having bitter or critical thoughts when he speaks for example, then just tell yourself that you are beyond that now. Similarly if you find you are having an inner monologue that tells you you cant chime in on a conversation because he's present, check yourself and just decide to express yourself anyway.

I'm sure after a while of hanging around in company the opportunity will come when youse are alone and you might get the chance to tell him you still think his move was the lowest but you are over it now & don't wanna continue any sort of passive aggressive battle over the past & just wanna move on with things. But I wouldn't force the moment.

That's all predicated on the fact that you are really cleanly over him & focused only on your own direction going forward.

ivytwine

I think it's a bit unfair of your friends to pin this on you when it really was his fault.


I understand you're looking for some closure but its not his responsibility, you can't make him address what happened. And would a half arsed Facebook apology make up for what he did, or for seeing pictures of him and the new fiancée?

I think you should just go along, keep your dignity, and maybe look to expanding your social circle so you don't have to be around this man.

Catari Jaguar

Don't add or message him on FB, because then you risk his fianceé getting all pissy about him being friends with his ex and messages and blah blah blah. Next thing you know the gossip circles play Chinese whispers and you are perceived as trying to get him back. Worst case scenario but very likely.

To be honest, the fact that your female friends sided with him, especially after one of you broke girl code and slept with him, ****ing scumbag behaviour from him too, after such a short space of time indicates that these are not your friends at all.

Cupcake_Crisis

I wouldn't go as far as to add him on Facebook, but if it would make social gatherings a bit easier i'd be polite and civil, while not necessarily becoming friends again. If you would find that difficult, just continue what you're doing, you don't owe him anything.

LegacyUser

I've thought a lot about it since my initial post, and you replies have got me thinking. Ivytwine, your right, it is unfair that my friends have pinned it on me, I did feel quite annoyed and hurt my them for a long time and eventually tried to put it aside, but do you know what I don't even see them as people I wanna hang out with intimately anymore, so I'm gonna leave them off! I don't owe them or him anything, and its ridiculous if they're making me feel like I have to justify my actions. I wont be adding him on facebook, nor will I be trying to approach him. I'll remain civil on nights out as I have beein doing. It might sound harsh or petty but I wasnt the one in the wrong so why should I be the one feeling guilty and like I'm the one that has to make a mends. By right, and correct me if ya'll have different opinions, it should be them. Grrr, glad I got that out of my system.

ivytwine

Wicked23 wrote: »

I've thought a lot about it since my initial post, and you replies have got me thinking. Ivytwine, your right, it is unfair that my friends have pinned it on me, I did feel quite annoyed and hurt my them for a long time and eventually tried to put it aside, but do you know what I don't even see them as people I wanna hang out with intimately anymore, so I'm gonna leave them off! I don't owe them or him anything, and its ridiculous if they're making me feel like I have to justify my actions. I wont be adding him on facebook, nor will I be trying to approach him. I'll remain civil on nights out as I have beein doing. It might sound harsh or petty but I wasnt the one in the wrong so why should I be the one feeling guilty and like I'm the one that has to make a mends. By right, and correct me if ya'll have different opinions, it should be them. Grrr, glad I got that out of my system.

Fair play wicked23. As Catari Jaguar said, it's pretty weird that they would take his side. To me it seems fairly cut and dry, yes I would try to stay friends with both parties in most cases, but if a guy and girl had done that to one of my friends, I would think badly of them and probably let the friendship fizzle out. I certainly wouldn't invite them places and expect her to be ok with it.

Yes, you did absolutely nothing wrong so as you say why should you feel guilty? Stand tall and be proud of how you're handling this.