What to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

First time posting on this site, I do look on here a bit but need advice and just to get some things off my chest.

Basically, I'm just gone 22, been going out with my girlfriend for 4 years now, broke up for about 5 months 2 years ago, pretty much for the reasons that I'm going to talk about now too.

Lately, I've been wondering whether this relationship is right for me as there's a couple of things getting to me. I'm going to be as subjective as possible as sometimes I feel people only give their own side of the story, without giving their partner's at all.

Firstly, lately I feel like the relationship is feeling a bit more intensive. My girlfriend wouldn't have many friends, her best friend is travelling South America for the year too and I feel it's getting harder to go out to my friends without feeling bad about leaving her alone, unless she is actually in work that night. Obviously, I ask her the majority of times to come out with my friends, but obviously sometimes you just want to go out with the lads, or even when we do go out, she doesn't really like nightclubs, so it completely limits me to when I can go out or only out to the pub while the rest of them would head out after, because obviously I don't want her to be somewhere she doesn't really like. I'd say I've been out out about 5/10 times in the past 9 months, she's not a big drinker, I accept that, but I feel maybe that's another reason we're drifting apart, as I feel I'm missing out on having some random nights, nothing to do with other girls, but just random nights out, and sort of having the freedom to that too.

Like I see it in her family. Her older sister since getting a boyfriend has pretty much moved away from her friends, I never hear of her going out with her friends, only going out with her boyfriend or the odd time with her boyfriend and his friends. While they kind of feel happy to have a boyfriend and almost settled down for what the rest of life would be like, I amn't really happy with that, and like getting out and having fun and tbh I haven't really experienced that much other than before I was 18 going to underage discos or whatever.

Also, she always feels like she has to tell me what she's doing or where she's going. Like, if she was out with her college friends, she'd also send me the odd text with just general chit chat, asking me what I'm upto, when really I wouldn't want to reply while she's out with her friends. Like I'd be perfectly happy not to be texting all day, and just have a chat on the phone if we weren't gonna see each other that day. For example, last Thursday I came home from GAA training about 8:30, and she didn't text me until 11:30 and was full of apologies for not texting as she had no credit, I literally had no objection because she mentioned she was going out to her college friend so I didn't bat an eyelid because I don't feel the need to be constantly in communication, but she still was apologising. I know it's something she just has a habit more than anything of doing, and I've talked to her about it before, but if she's just sitting around she'd be texting and it'd be pretty normal stuff, just what are you doing and how are you today, but I just don't feel the need for it as such. Even with texts, she'd send like 10 x's each one whereas I really don't see much meaning in them and would only send one, but then she'd assume something was up. She'd ask then can she have more x's and it's such a small deal I just do it, kinda pointless but whatever.

Thirdly, she is a bit of a homebird. She already dreams of where she's going to settle down and have a child by the age of 26/27, and happily live in her dream place, and tbh, I don't know whether I want that or not. I am in a job that will keep me here in Ireland until 25 starting in September, so afterwards I would love to maybe travel for a year with the money I would have saved, but I don't really know because it's a decent while away to be honest! Should you break up because of something that MIGHT happen down the line? I don't really know.

Finally, we're going travelling for the whole summer, and tbh if we weren't, I would have this conversation right now, but with going away and everything paid for and exams to do, I don't think it is a great time to bring it up, at the moment I feel like seeing how the summer goes and then see how I feel after that. She can be quite intrinsic at times, and would be shy and wouldn't really socialise with new people, so it could mean we won't get to see as much or socialise as much if she isn't willing to make friends while we're travelling around. I don't really mean that to sound in as harsh a way as it did, but I would be outgoing and could chat to people now problem at all, and could make friends and have a blast on a random night, whereas I feel she won't and may be pretty content to go home early a lot of nights.

Just to add, she really is a great girl, and is very caring, would always put me first ,and very kind and I find her very easy to talk to. It's very difficult to know what to do because I know I would miss her but you do only live life once, but I know she would be perfect to settle down with in a good few years to come, or is that something that most people think in their first relationship? I'm pretty confused at the moment

Thanks for listening everyone.

jdsk2006

You sound like you have outgrown this relationship I'm sorry to say. There's a big world out there waiting for you op.

Lorna123

You are just not ready for the commitment that this girl wants. You appreciate the good points in this girl but this is not the kind of relationship you want or need at this stage in your life. I think you should break up with her after the holiday even if just for a while to give yourself a chance to branch out and experience new things. Maybe you could get back with this girl at a later stage but right now this is not for you. There is no harm at all in feeling like you do, it is natural to want to get a buzz out of life at your age. You could probably hint at all of this while on holiday with this girl so that it won't come as a complete shock to her when it happens.

LegacyUser

I don't think it's a lack of commitment OP but rather just a lack of compatibility. I'd be like yourself and wouldn't be into texting several times a day nor updating my OH on everything I'm doing. I use to think I was an awful girlfriend for not being that interested in what my OH was doing 24/7 or once when a friend came to stay she called her OH seriously 8 times a day just to say hi which I thought was creepy and then thought there must be something wrong with me for thinking that but once I met my now husband I saw that I needed to find someone who I matched with. We don't live out of each others pockets [not saying thats a bad thing in a relationship just not what either of us wants] we spend time together of course but also time apart with no issues, we both can end up going away for days/weeks with our jobs and we would call each other each night but if I missed a call for whatever reason I wouldn't worry about it, if there was an issue/emergency he would keep calling or leave a message otherwise I just wait till the next night to talk to him.

Normally I would tell people not to drag things out and speak to her straight away but I understand the issue you feel of having a trip paid for. I assume you can't afford to pay her for her half and go without her or get someone else to take her place? Also you say she is shy but has she travelled before? If she hasn't it might be worth going on the trip together and seeing how she enjoys it, it's one thing to go for a week to spain and a totally different thing to travel for an extended period. I've a friend who'd no interest in travel at all, just wanted to stay at home, get married and start a family, really not adventurous, like pulling teeth just to get him to try a new food but then after a bad break up with his girlfriend I talked him into joining a group of us on a 3 month North America road trip. We created a travel monster that summer, he is forever planning trips and last year started dating a girl just as into travel and they've already done Asia together and are planning an African trip for the end of this year and South America next year. So maybe your GF just needs to be brought out of her comfort zone but if you do go on this trip with her then committee 100% to it and her, don't go with the constant buzz in the back of your head of "going to break up with you the second we get home" - seriously if your just going to go on the trip cus you think it will make your life easier then breaking up with her now don't be that guy, break up with her and deal with the outcome now.

Merkin

It sounds quite stifling and restrictive tbh. You sound adventurous, sociable and ambitious while she sounds insecure, parochial and slightly irritating. Do not let her hold you back. It simply sounds like you've outgrown this relationship - it happens and you'd be a worse person to stay with her for fear of hurting her. You will hurt her but she will get over it. Just don't let it fester and prolong the agony unnecessarily. By all means go on your hols together although personally, if I knew the writing was on the wall, I'd be wanting to rip off the plaster and be done with it.

desbrook

I'm not getting into the blame game here because there is no blame really . The sad truth is you both want different things - in terms of how the relationship is conducted on a day to day basis and more importantly where it is heading and how fast . There's nothing wrong with this and neither of you need to feel guilty or worse try and change . You both could do better and would be more compatable with other people .

LegacyUser

I would agree with the above posts.

From what you have told us you both want different things in your life.
You are starting a job after the summer which will only last up to the time your 25.
When your 25 you have told us that you that you would like to have the option to go traveling or do other things. Mean while she want to settle down and have a child by 26/27.

I don't think you should go traveling with her this summer. She thinks that you are really into her and that is why is going traveling with you. What happens to you if this summer she gets pregnant? I know someone around your age who this has happen to. He is now stuck in Ireland and working to support his girlfriend and a baby that was not planned.

It is not nice ending a relationship that is not the right one for you but you need to do this as soon as she finishes her exams. You need to tell her that she is to clingy and that once your contact in work finishes you may not stay in Ireland. I would also tell her that you don't want to get married or have children until you are a lot older.
She needs to know that you want different things to her so she can move on with her life and that you can do the same.

December2012

Does she have a problem with you doing the things you want to do that don't involve her?

What's stopping you going out for random nights? You don't have to be single to do that.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, you are very young, and have been in a very serious relationship for a very long time. To be very honest, it sounds an awful lot like you have slightly outgrown the relationship. Maybe take some time to yourself to figure out whether or not you want the same things as your gf, it sounds like she's in this for the long haul.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here.

Can't quote so just going to sum up the main questions asked.

Firstly, no there's no chance in any taking the other half of the trip. It involved getting visas and what not so it can't be changed. There isn't much chance in her changing her ways regarding travelling. We did go travelling Europe last summer and she enjoyed it, but she was a lot less enthusiastic at the beginning of this, worried about being away so long, and I convinced her to go, where we shortened the time a bit so that she would go. I said I'd go myself if she didn't want to go, but she didn't take to that, as she would be home alone while I am away.

I am still enjoying the relationship and I don't feel I would be giving off a buzz of I am going to break up with you when this trip is finished. I do enjoy it but I just wonder if it is slightly restrictive on me on what I would like to do at this stage of my life. In regards the random nights out, if she's not in work, which would be 4 times a week, and wouldn't work Friday or Saturday, she'd like to see me, and wouldn't like to sit in, so I couldn't really go without her I would feel. An example was last week when going for a few drinks for my friend's bday, even though it was just the lads I invited her along and she said she'd go, but then she wasn't feeling great during the day, and asked did we have to go. I said I could go if she wanted to stay at home but she said she would come because she didn't want to sit in. She doesn't seem to like being on her alone a lot I feel, it was the same when discussing abut travelling this summer, that if she wanted to come out at a later date, but she said she didn't want to travel that far on her own (about 11 hours). I would have no problem doing things alone at all but she seems to, not a bad trait but a different trait to myself. The fact I convinced her for this trip, means pulling out of it now would be really bad form and not something I would do to her.

I am finding things difficult in my head now. When I'm not with her, I feel like this, thinking about whether breaking up is the right thing to do, because I don't want to be 30 and have regrets on not getting to see places and do things that I could have had the opportunity to do. But when I am with her, it's great, we get along so well, as if we think with the same brains at times if you know what I mean. I think it's just a bit restrictive when out, as she wouldn't really speak until she's spoken too cause of the shyness, and then we wouldn't usually do the afters, I haven't done an afters at all with her in the past year I don't think.

It's a really difficult dilemma and I really have nothing actually about her that's annoying or makes me frustrated, it's just as the person that she is and I am, and maybe we've just changed. I don't really know

dr ro

sounds to me like a few tweaks to your relationship could improve things. I don't know if you're being too nice or need to grow a pair but if you want a night out with your mates without her then you need to say that to her. It's not unreasonable.You can't live in each other's pockets. If there is something in your relationship that you're not happy about, talk to her about it.
What does afters mean btw?

I think you should go away together and enjoy your trip, and make a decision when you come back. You are young though and it's your first relationship so don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out. You'll learn from it. And don't look back and regret breaking up if you do it, it was the right thing to do at the time.