Issues with mother

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I just need to get this out...

I'm at my wits end a bit here... I'm a fully grown adult firstly with a child of my own. My relationship recently broke up and i moved home. My parents are separated and my mum lives in the family home so she let us move in with her.

I am very aware that this is not a situation she signed up to, i am very VERY appreciative of her allowing us back into the family home. I contribute to the house obviously and i try to show her how grateful i am, cooking for her, buying her presents, jewellery/ flowers, and doing whatever i can around the house. I take the baby out as much as i can to give her her own space and i generally try not to interfere with her routine as much as possible.

Some background:
She's always been a little on the controlling side, for example, my siblings and i were never allowed to take showers/ baths on a wednesday as that was her day to clean the house and she wanted the bathroom untouched, i was made to go to bed at 9.30 until i was 17 years old, during my leaving cert, i wasn't allowed to leave my room until had done 3 hours of study a night on top of any homework.
However, she's a very good person (has been depressed for years i think) and i love her to bits.

Now:
She's so set in her routine that i would know exactly what she's doing at any day, any time (pretty much) so us moving in has upset this routine obviously.

She won't talk straight out about things that bother her, and she's become extremely passive aggressive with me over the last few months. For example, i'm not allowed to use the washing machine (as i'll probably break it), if i close the curtains, she will redo them, she was examining things i washed up and re did them all and now she doesn't want me washing up anymore. The baby's things are separate and she doesn't do any of those. However when my brothers visit she drops comments about me leaving everything to her but she has told me outright to leave them.

I'm on eggshells a lot of the time, she always denies anything is wrong and will absolutely not talk to me about them- or she will become catty and snappy with me. She doesn't have any friends, she has a huge family, and yes they're all mad in their own way but she bitches intensely about all of them. She barely tolerates my dad and slowly the things she is saying to me are getting worse. She doesn't speak to my siblings this way, and i don't speak to her like this.

She is worried about me taking advantage of her in terms of babysitting, which i understand completely, i NEVER ask her but she does offer sometimes. whenever she is asked to do something (with anyone) she gets very snappy and makes it clear she'll do it, but under sufferance.

The problem is that her words don't match her actions, so when she's calm she says that if i need help, i just have to ask. but i had to ask recently and she was so angry with me, then when she's calm again, she says just ignore her moods. She acts pissed off with me all the time, i just need to be around her. I've tried talking but its no good.

I know we need to leave, and we will as soon as we can, but due to outside circumstances we can't at the moment, we also have no one else to stay with so i'm asking if anyone has any ideas of how i could approach her without getting her back up and feeling attacked.

If you got this far, thanks for listening

LegacyUser

Firstly OP I want to say that having brought up 2 kids after a divorce I can fully appreciate that it is very tough on you at the minute being a single parent. Years ago I was offered the same as you but never took my mother up on her offer. I simply knew that it is never a good idea for a grown adult to move back in with a parent. I scrimped together the rent on a small place and worked 2 part time jobs to pay the bills.
You seem to be stuck in a rut and I cannot fathom why you are concerned with the grandmother's behaviour when you as the mammy should be putting all your energies into getting a job and renting your own place. I would be very fed up if one of my adult children moved back in with a small child in tow...they would be in my space and we all get on each other's nerves.
I realise you have been through the mill, and my reply is not meant to be harsh but as someone who has been a single parent 3 years after my leaving cert I know it can be done .

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply,

You're completely right of course, however it was an emergency when I had to leave where I was very suddenly, so there was no time to prepare. It was the only place i could go at the time.
I completely take your point and i think you took the more brave and difficult option- obviously the right one, but there was no other option for me at the time.

Now there is, i know that. The baby is still just a few months old, i've licked my wounds enough and i'm doing things like setting up an online shop and looking for jobs in my field (will go outside it though no problem), but we're going to still be under the same roof with my mother for a little while yet(very little hopefully).

I don't want that time to become so tense that it stays unpleasant or causes any resentment on either side, i would like to address it with her, but in such a way where it doesn't come across as accusatory and i'm just not sure where to start as she's quite quick to be offended. And i don't mean any offense. I totally understand we're in her space and she's annoyed about it so i'm out as soon as i can.

Lorna123

You are probably in your mother's space but I am sure she is also worried about you and this is making her on edge. It must be very hard on you OP when you are trying your best to be agreeable. I am sure the situation will calm down in a while. I really don't know what else you can do as you seem to be doing everything right. Could you explain to your mother that you understand how she feels about you being there under her feet as it were but that as soon as you can you will make other arrangements. Explain to her that it is hard enough for you to try and deal with the separation but that her attitude is making you feel very unwanted at this terrible time. I hope it all works out for you OP.

LegacyUser

Hi Lorna123, thanks very much for your message,

Yes, i agree she's probably worried and stressed about me and panicking a bit too. The adjustment is just taking its time.
I feel as though there's not much else i can do to make things as easygoing as possible and that i've tried everything i can think of, as you mentioned.

You made some great suggestions and i will use them next time i speak to her, i have said things before that were quite similar and she says she understands, not to be silly, that i'm not unwelcome at all etc, but then later, she SHOWS me that i am, like the talk isn't matching the walk if you know what i mean?

I guess it takes my mind off things that have happened- ha, maybe that was the plan....Mothers..

jimmycrackcorm

You are still her child, not a lodger or a tenant so the golden tenet still applies - her house, her rules. Put up with it until you can be in a position to move out.

I doubt if there is any point in trying to change her view.

LegacyUser

Yes I know that, that's why i don't get into any arguments about how she wants the cleaning done or not done- i just do as she asks.
its not about how she wants her house run, its about how to approach the growing unpleasantness between us in such a way that she doesn't get upset.
Believe me, as soon as i can leave i will.

Catkins407

My daughter moved in with me a while back. I was in a different situation as my daughter was very resentful of having to pay anything towards her or her child's keep. There were lots of other things too but here's the thing. You have just been through a break up and you have a young baby. Your entitled to feel off kilter. Home with your mum should have been a safe landing for you. I know that I often said things I didn't mean . I worried about my daughter breaking things too because she never seemed to care enough to find out how to work things properly and I worried about finding the money to replace them. When you live alone your world is pretty small and tiny things are important to you. You just get a bit upset when others don't find these things as important . My own elderly father dies it with me all the time. I had to take the time to try to get to know all his little things that bothered him. All his oddities. I did it to my daughter.
It's not meant. It's just a way of thinking. This is my safe world and someone is coming in shaking things up and I don't know how to react. I felt robbed too of my own space and peace by my daughter and angry at her for not being able to look after herself and her child and angry at myself that I had failed her and that she couldn't look after herself. I know it probably doesn't make sense but its how I felt. Also a toddler 24/7 was a lot to handle in the house. I loved that toddler to bits but honestly I felt I had done my bit rearing my own kids . I was glad to get out to work most days. My daughter had a lot of issues that you don't and you are really not trying to advantage of your mum. You probably need some mothering yourself at the moment which us not forthcoming . We all need that at some point. Your mother is not probably someone you would get on with socially or in a workplace but you think as its your mother it will be different. It's not really its still too different personalities trying to co exist. I would take my daughter or son back in anytime they need to but honestly hope they never need to. I think that you are at that hard mid point. The inital honeymoon period is over and ye have yet to find a pace that works. I think with time ye will get used to each other and things won't be so fraught. You just have to hang on in there for now. I would suggest you ask your mother for an official rota and what tasks she wants you to do daily and stick it on the fridge. Try get her to lay some ground rules about what she really wants so you don't gave to guess or find out the hard way. I mean the practical stuff of living day to day. And maybe ask about her babysitting once a week forth night month or whatever she is comfortable with. Keep it on a practical level no mushy touchy freely stuff. You can't read her mind she needs to tell you how she wants things done and you need to tell her what your plans are and what you are doing towards achieving those plans. That way she will know you are not settling in for the next 20 years lol

Lorna123

1256dislist wrote: »

Hi Lorna123, thanks very much for your message,

Yes, i agree she's probably worried and stressed about me and panicking a bit too. The adjustment is just taking its time.
I feel as though there's not much else i can do to make things as easygoing as possible and that i've tried everything i can think of, as you mentioned.

You made some great suggestions and i will use them next time i speak to her, i have said things before that were quite similar and she says she understands, not to be silly, that i'm not unwelcome at all etc, but then later, she SHOWS me that i am, like the talk isn't matching the walk if you know what i mean?

I guess it takes my mind off things that have happened- ha, maybe that was the plan....Mothers..

She could feel a bit disappointed that your relationship didn't work out and instead of trying to help you she is taking it out on you. She allowed you back into the family home so she does care. She has a routine where everything works out according to plan and then you come along and she has to change her routine so she is up in a heap. It is not that she wants to make you feel unwelcome but that she doesn't know how to help you. She is probably angry at herself for not being able to help you and it comes across like she is making you feel unwelcome. The best thing you can do is just don't take anything she says personally. Put it down to her being out of her depth. She would dearly love if you were settled and it is making her unhappy to see you in a broken relationship. Maybe ask her how she would like you to behave now that you are back at home with your child and tell her how much you appreciate having a roof over your head and she might melt. Wishing you all the best for the future and hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

OP here,

I just wanted to thank you for your advice, and catkins407, thanks so much for your post. It gave a great insight into the other side, and it made a lot of sense also.

We talked, all good at the moment!