forcing my life views on others?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Well, here's my problem- I hope I can get some clear opinions and help how to deal with this: I am turning into my worst nightmare - a judgemental and opinionated person and it's really making me feel miserable, but I don't know how to stop it.

The issue is my partner's family. We met and lived away from his family for 13 years (in another part of the country) so we did not see them very often, although I am friendly enough with them. Work committments have moved us to the same city and we now get to see them quite a lot (which is good for my partner as his parents are getting elderly and for our children as well as they get to see their relatatives).

However, my partner is a quiet kind of guy. I have had to piece his life before me over the years and stories about his family generally come from them, not him, as he is really just a taciturn kind of person. What has happened is that some things he said over the years have begubn to make sense and it's really putting me off some of his family members and the way in which they live their lives. For example, the women have an attitude that it is better for a woman to stay at home (forever!) and for the man to work and provide. This is not an exxaggeration. The ones who work out of necessity resent it and badmouth their husbands a lot. The two sisters who are "successful" (married to rich men) are held up as successes even though one is lazy and her husband is a control freak who she has to get approval from to buy anything and the other very obviously doesn't like her husband and he can't stand her family so I am not sure why they are togethor. I like fashion and clothing as much as anyone else but I find it hard to converse with them for long as all they do is gossip (very nastily) about each other or talk about clothes/ tv. I tried to tell my partner the other day that I get really bored going to famuily gatherings as I am placed with the women (his sisters) and am findidng it very challenging talking to them but ended up sounding like an intellectual snob because I have gone quite far in third level education and really enjoy my job and none of them moved past their leaving cert. I actaully stopped myself because I felt mean saying their conversation bores me and is too vacant for me.

I want my children to know their cousins but they are getting older and I worry that they will start picking up the idea that they can mess about with school and just find a man to look after them. I have no family left and this is the only extended one they will know so it does bother me. The sisters have adult children who have followed this pattern. When I ask (in friendliness) how some of the teenage children are doing in school, I get mean looks from their mothers and I know I have been accuse dof being"superior" but I just cant fathom why anyone wouldn't encourage their children to tehir potential. I know it's going to be a rift pretty soon as I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut, but I want to keep to liking these women as they are not so bad outside these attitudes and I dont know how to stop being so critical.

Merkin

judgementalperson wrote: »

I know it's going to be a rift pretty soon as I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut

Quite simply you're going to have to.

Not to be terse, but what business is it really of yours how these women live their lives? Sure, they sound vacuous, a bit stupid and really quite dull but on the grand scheme of things does it really affect you? You can think what you like about them and keep your opinions to yourself but ultimately you will be the only one to suffer if you go casting judgement on how they choose to raise their own children.

Keep your beak out.

jdsk2006

Keep it to discussions bout the weather, news and other generic topics. Steer far away from anything that might bug you. Your Kids won't pick up negative viewpoints if you don't allow them to be around your inlaws continuously.......keep a distance. Water and oil will never mix!!!

Diziet

You can always opt to see them less, you don't have much in common and you are not going to change their attitude, so why stress?

LegacyUser

Hi - thanks for the responses.

Yes, I know I am being critical and opinionated about their lives. I would like to try and stop, hence the post. I know I have no right to be this way, but some part of me just gets so riled up about the way they think it's ok to live this way and it bugs the heck out of me.

Outside of this there is no other real problem and I would like to still be friendly with them all. It's not like I go around saying "what a horrible attitude for women to have" or anything. I know one sister in particular has a real chip on her shoulder about my job and it can turn a little frosty when I try to give encouragement to younger relatives (who come to me for advice - I don't approach them like that- about college, ect).

I don't want to minimise contact, I just want to know how to put the blinkers on so I don't get to feeling like the most snobby critical person ever, just because of my life path. I never thought I was so judgemental before - and it's really making me upset to think I am this person (my mother was the most god-awful snob and I really, really don't want to get that way)

Queen-Mise

judgementalperson wrote: »

Hi - thanks for the responses.

Yes, I know I am being critical and opinionated about their lives. I would like to try and stop, hence the post. I know I have no right to be this way, but some part of me just gets so riled up about the way they think it's ok to live this way and it bugs the heck out of me.

This is the crux of the matter. It bugs you but is absolutely none of your business. If everyone had the same ideals, values, views of life, the world would be a very boring place:P

Their husbands are happy to support them, and they are happy to be supported. Not everyone wants to have a successful professional career.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok... here goes (I'm probably going to go into hiding after this post..... but......!)

What's wrong with being a bit judgemental of others?! We are all judgemental to a degree, whether we like to admit it or not. It is human nature to have opinions on things/other people.

Your in-laws, from what you say, are judgemental of you and your life path. You in turn are judgemental of them and theirs. You are both different, with differing ideas and views. You are unlikely to see eye to eye - so best you can do is accept that you feel this way about them!

My husband has some family members who drive me scatty. Left school at 14, constantly take digs at him for going to college, and "jokingly" call him "rich bstrd" because he has a job that needed going to college for.

I judge them!!

They annoy the hell out of me. We chose to go to college, to improve our employment prospects, and maybe be more financially secure in our lives. They left school at 14 to go work in factories, that since closed down - spend their lives borrowing money and "robbing Peter to pay Paul", and give out if we buy anything that they can't afford.

Unlike you, I'm probably better at holding my tongue (my husband is the one who will take the digs back at them!) But basically, I do feel like I've bettered myself, they haven't.. they chose their path, we chose ours..

And I just happen to think that our path is better... ! And we already are explaining to our kids that they need to do well in school and go to college to get a good job when they are older. And when they are a bit older, I can't say that I won't use their aunties as the example of what not to do!

Edit: I meant to add - just "put up with them" for the sake of a quiet life if that's what you want... because you can be fairly certain that they are just "putting up with you", too

2nd edit: What do you mean you are "placed" with the women?! How many family gatherings would you be at that there is allocated seating, and you are seated away from your partner? If you don't want to sit listening to their conversation - get up and move! Mingle. They already think you are a bit strange, for having a career - you might as well go all out and buck the trend by not staying sitting with the women, feigning interest in conversations! They are talking about you behind your back - you can be sure of it!! So you might as well suit yourself and be talked about rather than try to suit them and be talked about anyway!

LegacyUser

I completely agree with BBofChips.

Normally I just don't really pass any heed of what other people are doing with their lives, but was sickened to my stomach when I was met with such horrible jealous attitudes of so called friends, when I started college.

They were friends I've met through my boyfriend and I got nothing but constant digs and jeers and comments trying to mock me and put me down constantly for having the audacity for continuing my education to third level.

So yeah, I certainly did start to judge those who were so nasty under the guise of "only messin" .
I see it as nothing but complete and utter jealousy.

Every single one of them dropped out of school as teenagers, all the women had multiple "unplanned" pregnancies with their boyfriends. These boyfriends put their money spent on weed and drugs before their children, which is understandable I guess because they have plenty to spare seeing as all the women are classed by welfare as single even though they are not.

None of the males have ever had a job as long I've known them which is almost 10 years at this stage. Some of the women have had part time jobs but they always leave. They have gotten moved to bigger council houses because they have more children.
My boyfriend can never get a council flat to help tide him over until he hopefully gets a well paying job after his degree because we have no children.
You basically get rewarded in this country for having more children, have 3 kids, get a big council house, and more money in your pocket.

And these useless <mod snip> wasters have the audacity to try and belittle me!

So yes, I do think I am better than them and I do privately look down on their lifestyles. I would hate to be anything like them, and in some small way should probably pity them for their crappy existence, except that they don't see it as that, they think it's great getting everything handed to them and never having to work for it.:mad:

I know that might read like a welfare bashing thread from AH, but I can assure you it's not -every single thing is true regarding those particular people, and I also have absolutely nothing against social welfare. I am in receipt of of a welfare payment myself, a back to education allowance so I certainly have nothing against welfare recipients, only those who take the complete and utter piss of things, and are quite happy to never better themselves in any way. I hope that my degree will lead to a good job and I will be paying back in taxes in the future. I am extremely grateful to receive BTEA and I realise there are probably some people who think less of me for receiving BTEA. I and my boyfriend have both been unemployed before because of this recession, but the difference between us and them is that we actually want to work and want to better ourselves. They don't.

So basically "judgementalperson" I think you are well within your rights to be judgemental of those people. There is not really anything you can do to stop yourself being judgemental because you can't help how you feel. I'm sure they don't worry about being judgemental about you!

You can remain polite, just don't discuss your job in depth with them. Chat about different topics like stories that are in the news. You don't have to chat with them often or for long. Limit any time you spend with them to whatever level you find bearable.

LegacyUser

I know it is a horrible position to be in dealing with relatives like this.
One lady I know spent years commuting. Her income paid the bills when her husband left his job and set up his own business. A few years later her mother in law said to her husband why are your working so many hours to build her "the wife" her big house. This mother in laws children are getting social welfare and having children they can't afford. The wife in this case is already saving money for her children's education.

Re judgementalperson
In regards to the one sister in particular who does not like you giving encouragement to younger relative who come to your for advice about college ect I would do the following.
Say something like Is it great Mary that child name wants to go to college as I am sure you regret not going yourself. Then say something like well long term you have a higher income if you have a college education. This woman can't stand the fact that you have a good job so play up on this when you can to annoy this old bag.
I would keep encouraging the younger relatives to ask you about college ect despite what the family think. With a family like this they have nothing else in there lives but the ability to make comments on everyone else. Also you have to remember that even if you left school and did what they did after this they would still find something to make a comment on.

Re InAgreement
Just keep doing what you are doing. Rather that sitting at home you are working at improving your long term prospects. I am sure you can come up with a smart comment which these so called mothers and fathers would not like. Just remember in 10 years time they will still be living as they are meanwhile you should have a good job. You may be living abroad, you will have traveled and had a life before you have a family if this is what you both want.

I know that we all have to deal with people who we know don't like us. In both your cases you are dealing with people who can't see beyond there own little worlds. They lack the get up and go to improve there lives but think it is fine to make bitchy comments on people who are willing to work hard to improve there futures.

mashedbanana

I think the fact that ye lived away from his family for so long has had an impact. Ye were probably always used to doing your own thing, etc. Now, they are in contact a lot more, they are 'aware' of what's going on in ye're private life. They have more of an involvement, simply cos ye live closer together. Now that you can see what everyday life is for them, you realise it's not exactly your cup of tea! and certainly it wouldn't suit you.

As BBoC said, it's only natural to judge! We know we shouldn't deep down, but we all do.
The best you can do, is just hope that little ones get the 'if you want it, you work for it' gene from you both! Of course as they get older, you can always have little chats with them like I do with mine. I have been known to sit my older 2 down, and say 'You know (name), aren't they lovely to talk to? but they don't do things, the way we do things round here' It' my way of saying For the love of God, don't turn out like them!!!!!

I also have found, that if you are TOO educated then you are classed as knob! and there is always one or 2 in his family especially his mother, who tries to drag me down. I am big into manners & being polite, this in some family is also classed as being posh! I now what you mean when you say you are 'placed' with the women. It can be awkward, and very uneasy I found. I have found myself lowering my own standards, just to fit in (shameful of me I know). But when my OH & myself refuse to wither talk about eachother/gossip/mock people/ then they have a tendancy to back off, and we are then classed as the 'dry' ones.

It can be very hard to fit in OP to another family, you have never needed to ... until now. Just keep to yourself, carry on regardless, don't get dragged into the gossip/ripping you hubby to bits (to make them women feel better). Stay strong!

With regards to keeping you powder dry? I had a VERY recent incident with my mil & fil, they know I don't really do sarcasm, I realy don't see the need for it. Anyway, they said something, and when we left their home, I got upset about it. Hubby told me 'they are trying to rise you, to get a reaction, to push your buttons' So OP keep that in mind when they are gabbing away...! You have it too 'held together' for their liking! and if you blow a gasket...in their house...you'll be blamed! They will most certainly stick together against you. ( I know from experience!) x

LegacyUser

Thanks for the posts - I was feeling really down about this awful snobby side of me.

I guess I will just have to learn to be blind to all the things I find annoying and just focus on raising my girls the way I feel would be most positive for them.

December2012

Don't worry too much about the influence that your relatives will have on your kids. The main influence are you and your husband, not auntie or uncle or cousin X, Y or Z.

Yeah you're educated but part of that should be conversation skills with those who don't have your expertise - your clients for example.

If they start bitching then change the topic, or say nothing, or say "well I don't want to talk about somebody when they're not here". Usually turning the conversation bak to themselves is good.