Cheating

LTT

Recently I found out my husband had joined a dating site .....but he doesn't understand why I am annoyed about it.........duh I know he isn't cheating in the physical sense because we only go out together or spend time home in the evenings. Way I see it is if he has subscribed to one of these sites he must be looking for something more and always the temptation to stray offside. Yes I feel it is a form of cheating !!. am I wrong ???:mad:

BizzyC

Personal Issues thataway --->

ABajaninCork

Very helpful...

OP, you need to get this thread moved to PI/RI. Click on the triangle under your name. In the message box, ask the mod to move your thread. It's better off in there.

solerina

I would go mental...there is no way your OH should be on a dating site, ye need to have a serious talk and get him to admit exactly what he hopes to achieve by being on this site. I would insist he leaves it immediately and doesnt join any similar site again.

clint_silver

http://www.samharris.org/images/uploads/LYING.pdf

We have all stood on either side of the divide between what someone believes and what he intends others to understand—and the gap generally looks quite different depending on whether one is the liar or the dupe. Of course the liar often imagines that he does no harm as long as his lies go undetected. But the one lied to almost never shares this view. The moment we consider our dishonesty from the point of view of those we lie to , we recognize that we would feel betrayed if the roles were reversed.

explain how you feel.

Toots

Moved to Relationship Issues.

Please remember that the rules in the RI charter now apply when posting to this thread.

judgefudge

How did you find out? Did he tell you?

I don't know... In some cases I think people can genuinely just be curious and having a look. Maybe it's a sign that he's not happy? You spend every night together? Maybe he is bored and started looking elsewhere.

It's hard to know without knowing your relationship. I don't think signing up for a dating site is automatically a sign someone will cheat but it's a slippery slope.

tan11ie

Maybe he signed up out of curiosity, has he closed the account now or is he still using it?

sleepytrees

Your partner is in the wrong here. If he wanted to just go on a site and make friends. That's fine but a dating site when he is already in a relationship? It's weird. He isn't cheating yet but he is thinking about it. You need to tell him to be honest with you. Ask him how he would feel if you joined a dating site.
I don't think it's acceptable at all. On his profile does he have his status as in a relationship?

Gatica

agree with the above poster. Asking if he'd think it was ok for you to do it would put him in your shoes. His relationship status will also tell a lot.

What worries me is that this is your HUSBAND, not a boyfriend. It is absolutely unacceptable for a married person to be on such a site unless they're separated. He has made the vows and commitments, so what is he hoping to achieve by visiting these sites? Does he really think he is in a position to "keep his options open"?

I do hope you work this out. Maybe counselling is something you guys should consider. Is the relationship gone a bit stale? Do you communicate enough? These things happen, but the important thing is to do something about it rather than sweep it under the carpet and hope for the best.

Richy06

He hasn't a leg to stand on here, OP. He has no excuse for looking at a dating website whilst married, unless you share some sort of open arrangement. If he doesn't understand what's wrong in this situation, either he's lying to make you doubt yourself in order to get away with it or he's an idiot. Either way, it's not on really, is it?

homerjay2005

he should have no need to join the site or even use it, but until he actually engages in acting upon the site, this cannot be classed as cheating.

disrespectful yes, cheating no.

Emme

homerjay2005 wrote: »

he should have no need to join the site or even use it, but until he actually engages in acting upon the site, this cannot be classed as cheating.

disrespectful yes, cheating no.

He may not be actively cheating but for a married man to join a dating site is tantamount to cheating. He should never have joined the dating site unless he and his wife have an open polyamorous relationship and he got her permission first. He would have to state this in his profile. It looks like he didn't so his wife should stand her ground and if she's not happy ask him to take down his profile. If he refuses then she should suggest marriage counselling.

First and foremost he is being dishonest with his wife and also the women on the dating site who may take an interest in his profile. If a woman emailed him I wonder would he email back and say he was married?

I often wondered about men who have contacted me on dating sites (I am single) email for a few weeks or so, we seem to be getting along fine and then they disappear into the ether. I suspect that they may be married men having a laugh and seeing if they can elicit interest from a woman. Such men are dishonest, time-wasters and are being unfair to their wives.

jdsk2006

I'd be pulling the rug clean from under him and his little notions. The facts are simple: he was unfortunately seeking out something new. Wether or not he would have acted on an offer you will never know. He did take the initial first steps tho.

This is a wake up call for you both, I wish you all the best in where you go from here. I would suggest counselling ASAP.

Stavro Mueller

Why would anyone join a dating site unless they want to meet someone or to get laid? I personally find it hard to buy the excuse that they joined up because they were curious or because they wanted to make new friends. Which I'm sure someone'll trot out any post now :rolleyes: If your husband's not up to no good, I'd love to know what plausible reason he has for joining the site...

mashedbanana

From experience I have learned that 'what he puts as relationship status' has absolutely no bearing on the matter. Simply because, there are far too many ladies (& men too I suppose) more than wiling to overlook the VERY obvious wedding ring on the finger. Some husbands, don't even take the wedding ring off!!!!!!! There are ladies out there that ONLY want married men, some will tell you it's for the 'no strings attached' ... I can assure you, it's to 'get one over on the wifey at home'

Your OH is most certainly in the wrong, and is most certainly looking to have his ego stroked (along with other things, I'd imagine)
From experience, I can tell you, he will cop himself on for now.... cos you sorta caught him. But there could, very well, come a time in the next couple of years where he might stray. Once the notion is in his head at all... etc, etc.

Has anything happened in your relationship going back over the years? Is this possibly a revenge tactic?
Has he been very short with you lately?
Unwilling to be close to you?
Mean with the cuddles?
Distant in general?
Ever catch him smiling away to himself ... for no obvious reason?

You might get the usual line 'I just wanted to see, if I still 'had it' (so don't be surprised)

As a side note, I know some here won't agree. But I would advise you to double check all you bank accounts, credit union accounts, etc. See if there has been much action there without you knowing. (you get my drift) Chin up! x

LTT

Thank you for all the replies.... I have asked him to take down his site profile and he has told me I am being a baby about this issue. Guess I have a lot of thinking to do on this one

Magicmatilda

LTT wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies.... I have asked him to take down his site profile and he has told me I am being a baby about this issue. Guess I have a lot of thinking to do on this one

That is madness, might be time to reassess the relationship. Have you kids? If not I think I would leave.

ABajaninCork

Whether the OP has children or not, I think she needs to leave. The issue of children is not relevant.

I think the husband is being totally unreasonable. How would he like it if the OP joined dating sites and told HIM he was being a baby? Incidentally -I'd like to know why he thinks SHE'S being unreasonable.

I would blow a gasket over this. He is completely in the wrong. So unfair on you and unfair on any woman he has contacted. This is a deal breaker in my opinion. And to be then told your being a baby about the issue??? So is it ok for you to join a dating website?where does this all end? I really hope it works out for you for the better

rainbowdash

What's the fuss? If he joined the manchester united supporters club does that mean he intends playing in the premiership?

Meauldsegosha

rainbowdash wrote: »

What's the fuss? If he joined the manchester united supporters club does that mean he intends playing in the premiership?

That's a silly comparison. He joined a dating site which give an implied intention of meeting and/or dating people.

OP, your husband is being being very disrespectful to you maybe sit him down again and explain how you feel.

Catkins407

Some men and indeed some women don't like to leave until they have something to go to. Please be aware of that. I wonder is he moving towards asking you for an open relationship. Which is really code for I will stay with you till I find someone else. Also you have no way of knowing if this has happened before or if he has cheated. Cheating doesn't happen just in the evening. It happens during the day when he's supposed to be at work or after work when he's stuck in traffic or just popped to the shops or pub. Or when he is supposed to be at his mothers brothers mates house. Telling you that you are being a baby and making out you are the one with the problem is an old tactic too. It's to make you doubt yourself and get off his back so he has a free hand . Regardless your relationship is in trouble and its time to start looking after yourself in all this. Cold I know but start making sure you are ok financially if you split and if you want to try to salvage this relationship then go for it but counselling will only work if you both want to work at it. Don't be blind to this huge flashing neon sign. Don't get complacent. Look after your future and see if you both are willing to work on the marriage. Don't accept temporary sticking plasters of promises. Trust is going to be hard because even if you believe he hasn't cheated there was clearly intent to. Good luck and be strong. Remember you deserve much better than this sh1tty treatment.

LTT

yes i think it is time to be honest with myself and own up to the fact that is over between us no matter how hard that is ...thank you i will draw strenght from the comments here.

mashedbanana

LTT wrote: »

yes i think it is time to be honest with myself and own up to the fact that is over between us no matter how hard that is ...thank you i will draw strenght from the comments here.

My heart goes out to you. I know (only too well) what you are going through. Please remember to eat. You'll need to stay strong physically. Also, don't give up too easy on what you want (even if it seems that your husband has already given up). I have seen too many marriages go miles too fast. Don't jump ship TOO fast. Give it another few shots at talking to him.

I would have been one of those people that would have immediately advised you to leave. No questions asked. just leave.

It's not that easy though is it? Take a good few deep breaths, try to clear your head, keep focused. You WILL get through this. xx

Catkins407

Talking to him may be hard tho. He is defensive and trying to make out you are the problem. You are not probably not going to believe much of what he has to say either . If that is the case don't force the talking thing cos it will probably just keep descending into arguments. A third party like a counsellor maybe be able to help if this is the case. You need to decide what you want and what's best for you. Things have changed . Just take sometime to adjust and see what's the best way to move forward.