Touchy Subject

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I know this is a very touchy subject but basically Im just wondering how to approach my long time girlfriend about her weight problem. First off i love her to bits and would never want to hurt or upset her hence this post looking for advice on how to approach the situation and secondly im just trying to think about her health and our future. We've been going out quite a few years and she has steadily put on quite a bit of weight, she doesnt have the healthiest diet at all and doesnt do any exercise, she was in a gym for a few months but she wasnt doing the exercises right or wouldnt get a plan and when i tried to help her she wouldnt listen. She's quite small in height so im assumiing it would be a bit harder for her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Lux23

How is your own diet and weight? One way around it is to suggest you both start a healthy eating plan? Try to make it about health rather than weight, so if on Friday night you are discussing what to do for dinner mention that you are worried about what takeaways or convenience foods do to your body and that you want to try eating better.

But I will warn you despite doing this because you love her and want her to be healthy, she may still take it personally and get upset. It's more that she will get angry at herself than you though.

JustAThought

Oooo -fair dues to you - you're on a slippery slope thou!!!

No doubt she knows. Here's a suggestion that might leave your head on your shoulders. Pretend you're concerned about your own weight & say you are going to enter the flora women's marathon as a goal & ask if she will train with you. There is a FB page for it that gives healthy eating tips , recipient, training plans etc - join up, start with a walk a night & get her to come with you. ( & sign her up too ultimately!!) there is a lot of team & bonding type events around it so it might suite. Of course men sent allowed but you could do the wig thing & for charity for a laugh.

Or you could publically join weight watchers & ask her to go with you & join up together etc. Look them up online & see what day/night there is one in your area. that costs but it really works & having the two of you do it & point food together could work.

Ortiucould just build a " romantic/healthy" walk each night into your lifestyles - again - take the hit & say your worried that you aren't getti g enough exercise, etc etc

Last thing is be doing would be pointing a finger straight at her. Girls are tricky-particarlyin regard to weight!!!


Let uus know!!!

Or you c

Lux23

Just make sure age knows that you love her, don't make it seem that it's because you are finding it hard to fancy her because of her weight problem. Because that will just make the whole thing worse.

kunst nugget

Lux23 wrote: »

Just make sure age knows that you love her, don't make it seem that it's because you are finding it hard to fancy her because of her weight problem. Because that will just make the whole thing worse.

Actually, a friend of mine was told that by his partner and it was the shock he needed to lose the weight he had slowly put on during their relationship. They are now happily married with a child and he has kept the weight off since.

Merkin

You sound like a nice chap and obviously want to handle this sensitively. Have you got old photos lying about? Why not take these out one evening this week and look through them together? If she has an ounce of self-awareness she will probably say "God I've put on so much weight since then...." That is then your que to agree with her. Nicely of course. It's a good opportunity for you to get the subject out in the open but instigated by her.

If she is your long-term girlfriend then I presume you live together? If so, tell her that it's coming into summer and that you feel you could both do with getting more healthy and fit. Do you do your grocery shopping together? If so do up a weekly eating plan with lots of delicious fish and fruit and veg and stop putting rubbish in your trolly. What exactly is she eating? Do you think her weight gain is down to ignorance and bad food choices or is it portion control? Does she eat rubbish? If so, blanket ban take aways completely if they feature in your diet and start making healthy alternatives at home.

Also, if she quite overweight the gym might make her feel self-conscious and she'd be better to go walking every evening to get her fitness levels up. Is there a nice long strand walk near where you are? Could you do it together as a couple?

Chucky the tree

Just man up and tell. I wouldn't waste my time with all trying to sugar coat it or pretend you want to lose weight. If she doesn't think she has a problem she'll simply give up eating healthy when you've lost your weight or whatever goal you set.

2Mad2BeMad

best thing to do is
without it being expensive it
walking

yes walking
bring her on walks, some people say walking is better exercise then running
same story with my girlfriend
when i got with her
she was a peg, not abit of weight on her, 2 years later, (dont think the pill helped though) she put quite a good bit of weight on
she eats alot of junk food so its important to exercise

so basicly i told her she should start doing walking with her ma ( i told her ma about it because i was worried, and her ma agreed ) so basicly it worked out
i didnt tell her she was putting the few pounds on, i basicly said to her, all the junk food will kill you one day, you need to balance it out or you need to exercise, showing her i was genuinely concerned for her health

shes back to her normal body health when i first met her
and she looks on pictures now from 3 years ago , and she says "OMG WAS I THAT BIG"
we laugh about it now

LegacyUser

OP here, yea see I'm the exact opposite, I'm quite lanky and I find it hard to put on weight so if anything I could probably do with putting on about a stone. The old picture idea is good, it actually happened before exactly as the poster describe it but I wasn't thinking then and I never seized on the moment.

twiggy86

I'd start exercising yourself! I'm with my bf 4 years and had slowly put on some weight, I went up a dress size & was just really lacking tone!! He had also gained weight & a few months ago started exercising 3 days a week, after a few weeks he looked fantastic & it spurred me on to exercise myself, I didn't wanna look flabby standing beside my super toned boyfriend so it gave me the kick in the arse I needed!! Now we go out walking and biking together & it's actually made our relationship better

Taltos

OP - as you are unregistered all of your posts have to be reviewed and approved by a Mod. This can take quite some time. Please have patience and do not keep reposting the same post.

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Taltos

smallgarden

a lot of people gain weight through comfort eating.its often more about dealing with stress and emotions than a problem with eating. she might need to deal with these emotions in a different way.approaching it this way if relevant could be better

kunst nugget

smallgarden wrote: »

a lot of people gain weight through comfort eating.its often more about dealing with stress and emotions than a problem with eating. she might need to deal with these emotions in a different way.approaching it this way if relevant could be better

Anecdotally, I've seen lots of people once they get coupled up adding on a couple of pounds. It's usually less to do with comfort eating and a lot to do with sitting in and eating takeaways at the weekend.

krametsi

Most couples gain weight whenever they get comfortable with each other...were they r at a point were their relationship is solid en easy going.
i'd suggest u start by an eating plan,4 both of u..hint out at how unhealthy the 2 of u are...or jst say u recently went to a doctor and advised u that u should start eating healthy en start working out...in that way suggest she helps you out,to motivate u...then in that way u'll know ur actually doing it 4 her..

show her sum of her old pics were she used to look gud...or show her that lovely dress she used to LOVE and no longer fits her anymore... (we women keep those dresses as sum sort of memento,that 1 day am gonna fit in it again...LOL)

Cupcake_Crisis

On the pearl of your life do NOT mention anything about sexual attraction or fancying her less, you will not win that war. As a woman I can tell you that I know when i start putting on a few pounds, but it's very easy to get stuck in a rut with your weight.

Try taking her out for romantic scenic walks, if you have a dog take the 3 of you out to the park for a few hours. Chances are when she gets into the swing of it and starts losing a few pounds she'll take the lead on it herself

Queen-Mise

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Just man up and tell. I wouldn't waste my time with all trying to sugar coat it or pretend you want to lose weight. If she doesn't think she has a problem she'll simply give up eating healthy when you've lost your weight or whatever goal you set.

Oh jeez, DO NOT DO THIS, this is a man's approach for a man. Does not work for women.

Be sneaky - nice and slowly. Stalk essentially. If she is not open to more direct conversations, then be sneaky. Whatever you do, don't make it seem as if you are cornering her. You don't want her hackles going up, and her digging her heels in.

Get a dog, start hill walking, start eating healthier yourself (and I don't mean rabbit food, or not just anyway - bake, cook from scratch, etc.), go out for a walk in the evening after dinner.
Talk about that you are worried about X health problems in your family (heart, diabetes, every family has something, somewhere) and you want to cut down sugar, or saturated fat, more bran.

Women work very differently to men. Remember that. And any comment no matter how nicely it is said will be automatically viewed as a personal criticism, it shall be taken to heart, and be never forgotten;)

a posse ad esse

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Oh jeez, DO NOT DO THIS, this is a man's approach for a man. Does not work for women.

Be sneaky - nice and slowly. Stalk essentially. If she is not open to more direct conversations, then be sneaky. Whatever you do, don't make it seem as if you are cornering her. You don't want her hackles going up, and her digging her heels in.

Get a dog, start hill walking, start eating healthier yourself (and I don't mean rabbit food, or not just anyway - bake, cook from scratch, etc.), go out for a walk in the evening after dinner.
Talk about that you are worried about X health problems in your family (heart, diabetes, every family has something, somewhere) and you want to cut down sugar, or saturated fat, more bran.

Women work very differently to men. Remember that. And any comment no matter how nicely it is said will be automatically viewed as a personal criticism, it shall be taken to heart, and be never forgotten;)

Really? I think it depends on how you say it. My husband told me straight up "you've gained some weight, hun" and that was it nothing more after that. I didn't find anything wrong with what he said. It would have been different if he said "you've gained weight and you look ugly, fat," etc. that would be hurtful. I did not feel bad with him stating a fact. I gained one stone and it was quite noticeable on someone that is short like me. I think as long as the OP is not telling his gf that he no longer finds her attractive or starts name calling her would be damaging.

The OP's gf gained weight (which she knows), and then all of a sudden the bf either asks her to go out for walks and start eating healthy? I think that will make her self conscious and it's passive aggressive. However, if the OP decides he wants to make changes towards his lifestyle for himself only (and you can only lose weight for yourself), by eating healthier and exercising. His gf will witness the positive effects and then perhaps motivate her to do the same and join him.

Honey-ec

Queen-Mise wrote: »

any comment no matter how nicely it is said will be automatically viewed as a personal criticism, it shall be taken to heart, and be never forgotten;)

What a massive generalisation. All women do not share a hive mind, you know.

I put on about a stone in the year after I got married. I'm 5' 7" and my weight went up to 11 stone - nothing major, but I felt COLOSSAL. My husband never said a word about it but I was constantly moaning about how hideous I looked and how none of my clothes fit me anymore. Until one day he finally got sick of listening to me and just snapped "Well if it bothers you so much, just DO something about it then."

And that was exactly the kick up the arse I needed. I copped the hell on and lost the weight in about 3 months, and never put it back on. Did I take it as a personal criticism? No. Do I still resent him for it, 4 years (and a separation) later? Hell no. He did me a massive favour.

Now, only the OP knows whether the direct approach is going to work with his girlfriend. But not all women are going to break in two at the very mention of having put on weight.

Flutterby80

Honey-ec wrote: »

What a massive generalisation. All women do not share a hive mind, you know.

I put on about a stone in the year after I got married. I'm 5' 7" and my weight went up to 11 stone - nothing major, but I felt COLOSSAL. My husband never said a word about it but I was constantly moaning about how hideous I looked and how none of my clothes fit me anymore. Until one day he finally got sick of listening to me and just snapped "Well if it bothers you so much, just DO something about it then."

And that was exactly the kick up the arse I needed. I copped the hell on and lost the weight in about 3 months, and never put it back on. Did I take it as a personal criticism? No. Do I still resent him for it, 4 years (and a separation) later? Hell no. He did me a massive favour.

Now, only the OP knows whether the direct approach is going to work with his girlfriend. But not all women are going to break in two at the very mention of having put on weight.

There's a subtle difference though, the Ops partner hasn't verbalised any upset about her weight where as you say that you were constantly complaining about yours to your husband so he was more likely to advise you when you were the one to bring the subject up. The Op says that he has made suggestions before that have fallen on deaf ears so I do agree with those who say he should tread carefully. Some people (not just women) find their weight a very sensitive and emotive subject so I think he should go with the idea already mentioned that suggested improving his own general fitness and diet and hopefully she will join in when she sees how it benefits him. He can encourage her to go for walks/ to the gym with him and it could end up being something fun they do together that also improves their relationship

Chucky the tree

I think there is something very unhealthy about not being able to be honest with your partner. I think the whole subtle/passive aggressive manipulation is wrong. It won't get down to the real problem. I think it's important the gf knows her bf doesn't like her putting on extra weight so she can make daily decisions towards keeping her weight off if she wants to.

kunst nugget

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I think there is something very unhealthy about not being able to be honest with your partner. I think the whole subtle/passive aggressive manipulation is wrong. It won't get down to the real problem. I think it's important the gf knows her bf doesn't like her putting on extra weight so she can make daily decisions towards keeping her weight off if she wants to.

I agree, I think the notion that you have to deal with issues in your relationship through subterfuge so as not to hurt your partner's feelings is not healthy.

Standman

This seemingly prevalent idea that you have to pussy foot around and handle issues with kid gloves when dealing with women is a bit ridiculous, I find.

Everyone deserves to be treated respect and politeness. Deal with this situation with those principles in mind and you have handled it correctly.

If she takes it to heart in a bad way, it's unfortunate, but a risk you have to take if you want a healthy relationship.

Tigger99

Rightly or wrongly if a boyfriend out of the blue told me I'd put on weight without me mentioning it I'd feel fairly crap about it and it would damage my relationship with him.

In one relationship I was in, when I complained about having put on weight, one boyfriend offered to help. With another boyfriend I hadn't raised it but he kept talking about going for walks. We did this and it piqued my interest in being fitter and healthier.

There are ways of approaching an issue without hurting someone. Ok women are different but from the OP I get the impression his girlfriend wouldnt he over the moon if he just blurted it out. There's no harm in dealing with it sensitively. Ok some guys especially could make the point that why should she be treated with kid gloves. Well what about if your partner had an issue with your sex life, or your performance in bed (or any other sensitive issue?) it might be just about bodily functions at the end of the day but I bet you wouldnt just want her concerns blurted out, without her being sensitive about it.

Hannibal Smith

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you can say whatever you want to the other person to make it feel legit. Its still two people at the end of the day and something your partner says is just as likely to hurt as if it was a third party saying it. Sometimes even more because they're suppose to take a less superficial view.

That said, if its for health reasons, I think its great you want to help her. You can suggest switching all your full fat food to lo cal/non fat. The evenings are beautiful suggest a walk in the evenings.

In the end though you can't force her to lose weight and if she wants to do it, it has to come from her. Its her body and her decision.

desbrook

Some posters are talkng about a little fluctuation in weight (maybe a stone over six months) which happens to nearly all of us . That's fine - more exercise and a few switches in diet soon rectify things . From what you write OP this isn't what you are talkng about . This is a slow but steady increase in weight , probably 3+ stone over a few years . That's totally different and a reality check is called for . The question you have to face is do you see a long term relationship between you and her if she maintained this weight or (gained more) permanently ? The reality is that if she's put on considerable weight over a few years she there's only a small possibilty she will lose it . If you are thinking of having a strarting family that makes the odds even longer .

Before I get lynched - I'm not judging I'm just giving cold facts based on experience and observation . I have two female friends who are lighter at 40 than they were at 25 . I have 50 + who are heavier in a lot oof cases considerably so . Also there is nothing wrong with not finding someone heavy attractive and articulating that . As well as being a person's right it makes biological sense .

The other factor you are blissfully unaware of OP is that you are actually lucky in some ways that your gf is not raising the issue . Some men with heavy wives/partners have no problem with their weight per se - its their reaction to it that causes the problems . They have to provide constant reassurance they look well and give 100% back up at any attempt to lose the weight . If you can live with it this long ( and into the future ) some would say say nothing !

Chucky the tree

Who said anything about just blurting it out? It's not like people have suggested to say "here love, you're starting to look like a whale, go on diet for us yea?". There are perfectly tactful ways he can say it to her without looking like an asshole. However avoiding the issue and suggesting the boyfriend uses his own weight/health as an excuse to handle the situation just sounds very unhealthy and a cop-out.

ShaShaBear

My partner got me lovely.

"Whatever happened to those flared jeans you had when we started going out... the light denim ones? I love your arse in them!"....

I realised they didn't fit anymore, because I clearly put on weight. In an effort to fit into them again, I joined slimming world and shifted 12lbs in 5 weeks. He makes it his business to compliment me every week, showing me where he sees or feels I have lost weight.

Crafty little bugger :rolleyes: